Last week we looked at the importance of being where we are in our dating journey. That means applying dating standards to potential dating partners, not marriage standards. Thinking about marriage when considering a casual date is like putting the cart before the horse. No wonder LDS dating is so difficult and confusing for so many! Applying marriage standards to dating isn’t the only way LDS singles trip over their own feet when dating. Too many test their dates during the date. This practice prevents living in the moment. And you can’t fully enjoy the moment if you don’t live there. I know what many of you are thinking. How can we know whether or not to go farther with our dating partner if we don’t test? I’m not saying don’t test. I’m saying there’s a time and place for everything, and the date is not the time or place for testing. We test best after the date, not during. Watch your broadcast We all broadcast our inner self to those around us. If you test your date during the date, you have an agenda, and you’ll be broadcasting that. Most people will pick up your broadcast, usually to negative effect. That shouldn’t be surprising. Most people want to be loved for who they really are and not part of some agenda or project. When you test your date during the date, you broadcast you don’t really care about your date as a person but rather as a means to an end. One of two things typically happens. First, not wanting to be filler material, your date could withdraw from you. If your date could’ve made an excellent companion for you, then you just shot yourself in the foot. You just extended your singles life. Congratulations! And the other possible outcome? Your test makes your date far more nervous and anxious. He or she knows, in order to go any further with you, he or she must pass your test. But not knowing exactly what the right response is or even what the test itself is, your date will likely bumble his or her way through the date, leaving you with a false impression of who they are. And that could very well lead you to make the wrong call. Learn from others I once knew a woman who was in many respects a perfect companion for me. So of course I was interested in knowing her better. After a few texts and emails, we went out a few times. Yet in all our interactions, I couldn’t escape the feeling she was testing me. That feeling was especially strong during our dates. I kept trying to put on a good performance without knowing what she wanted to see or hear. All the while, I never really enjoyed our time together because I never could. I was always worried I would say or do the wrong thing, and it would be one too many wrong things, leading her to say “Thanks, but no thanks.” In the end that’s exactly what happened. She simply walked away. The last I saw of her was at a singles activity. She came with some guy I’d never before seen. And after months of non-response, she suddenly started talking with me as though we were best friends. Even here she was still testing me. After hearing an clearly unwanted answer to a question about my employment (at the time I was between jobs), she walked away. I never saw or heard from her again. You must risk Some might say this experience proves we weren’t meant to be together. My own experience tells me we would have been good companions for each other. I don’t know what happened to her, but I hope she got what she wanted. I can understand her perspective. Her divorce was particularly painful, and she wanted assurance she wouldn’t experience that pain again. That’s completely understandable. Yet love is such that you must risk in order to get reward. You can’t get the relationship you really want without making yourself vulnerable. I wish she could have let go during our dates and just enjoyed my company. Even if things still didn’t work out, we might have been friends. Don’t test your dates during the date. Just be yourself and enjoy what the other person has to offer. You can evaluate your date after the date. Then is the time when you can thoughtfully consider whether going further with this person is a good idea or not. When you’re interacting with others, be present in that moment. Doing so will allow to experience all the joy that moment has to offer. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
0 Comments
Last week we discussed the need for LDS singles to expand their casual dating pools to include everyone — well, almost everyone; jerks, stalkers, and criminals need not apply. Many LDS singles resist expanding their casual dating pools because they inappropriately pre-judge potential dating partners by filtering for marriage material. Superficially, that seems to make sense. Dating leads to marriage, and we don’t want to end up with someone we don’t really want. Plus spending all that time and money with someone who won’t be with you in the end seems wasteful. Isn’t it better not to start if you won’t finish? This logic prevalent among LDS singles keeps many of them single longer than needful — in some cases, much, much longer. Here’s a more effective approach: Apply standards to where you are in your dating journey. Don't reject a date based on your standards for marriage. Reject a date based on your standards for dating. Know where you areEffectively applying standards to dating requires you to understand where you are on the map of your dating journey. With that in mind, let’s review what we’ve learned recently about the stages of the dating journey.
Know your next stepYou don’t need a map to know where you’re going. But a map becomes very useful to tell you how to get there. Understanding the different stages of the dating journey helps you know where are on the map. That begs the obvious question: How do I get where I want to go? You don’t climb a mountain by constantly staring at the peak. You climb a mountain by looking where your feet you are and taking a step forward. Your focus, then, should be on the next step in front of you, not the end goal. Once you know where you are in your dating journey, your next step will be to secure the agreement for the next stage. If you don’t have the necessary agreement, you don’t progress. Period. That’s why this is your next step. Be where you areThat’s harder to do when you’re staring constantly at the summit and never on where your feet actually are. How long will it be before you trip and land on your face? Many LDS singles find dating disagreeable because that’s exactly what they experience. They keep tripping and landing on their face. If that’s your experience, here’s some free advice: Stop looking at the summit! Be where you are. If you focus on where your feet are and take the next step directly before you, and then the next one, and so on, eventually you’ll climb the mountain. So focus on where your feet are: Apply standards of dating to dates. This of course means you might date someone you wouldn’t marry. So what? That’s perfectly normal; everyone dates people they never marry. Only by dating lots of people will you better know that right type of person who demands more serious consideration. Because you’ll date people you’ll never marry, your standards will change with each stage of the dating journey. You’ll casually date people you won’t commitedly date. And you’ll committedly date people you won’t marry. Recognizing these truths makes it easier to be where you are. You can better enjoy someone’s company irrespective of whether or not you’ll marry that same person when you focus on that moment rather than on some agenda to achieve a future goal. Applying standards of dating to dating helps you to be in the place where you are. This in turn helps you to live more fully in the moment and makes you more attractive to someone who can help you be where you want to be. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
Last week while discussing Elder Ballard’s most recent Conference address, I spoke about making goals to get married and our need to center our dating efforts on the Savior. Doing that means understanding the fundamentals of dating. One fundamental principle is recognizing the two types of dating. We often confuse ourselves by not making this distinction. We introduce even more confusion in our dating journey when we try to be where we aren’t. Placing too much seriousness too soon in our journey turns us into our own worst obstacle. Being in the place where we are means conforming our actions to where we currently find ourselves. Because there are two types of dating, we should act differently in each respective stage. Committed dating will have more seriousness than casual dating. In fact, when you correctly understand the fundamentals of dating and the two types of dating, you can’t avoid a simple but profound conclusion: Unless the other person is a jerk, a stalker, or a criminal, you should date everyone. You choose your probability of success The provision against dating a jerk, a stalker, or a criminal makes sense to most. You shouldn’t compromise your personal safety. But the rest of the conclusion to date everyone else will put many LDS singles into a panic. If that’s you, please calm down. This just shows you understand neither the fundamentals of dating nor the nature of casual dating. A casual date is just that — casual. So why make the date serious by putting extensive restrictions on having one? The point of casual dating is to learn more about what you want in a companion so you can narrow down your selections to just one. You’ll then focus on securing the agreement you need to transition to committed dating. That means your probability of success increases as you increase the size of your casual dating pool. You do that when you lower the restrictions on who can enter. That means dating everyone (with the obvious exceptions, of course). Feeling is not knowledge Many of us want to resist this way of thinking. Some may think I’m advising against having standards while dating. Still others may reject the conclusion because they just “know” So-and-so isn’t right for them. First, you should have standards while dating. Your success, however, will be more likely if you’ll be in the place where you are. Casual dating by its very name suggests a different set of standards than committed dating. You could very well casually date someone who you do not committedly date. In fact, most of us have. Second, I understand the feeling that comes when considering some people as a potential date. It’s like every cell in your body is screaming “NO!” But feeling is not knowledge. You’ll never know unless (1) an angel or other heavenly messenger gives you the knowledge or (2) you get your own experience. I’m thinking the odds for most of us seeing an angel aren’t that great. I love this comment from a married woman named Kathryn.
Such examples abound, showing we really don’t know like we think we do. We should stop pre-judging others and open ourselves to new possibilities. Let experience tell the tale. Like Kathryn, you just might be surprised at what you don’t know. Be in the place where you are Our LDS subculture has primed us for years to look to temple marriage as a pivotal life moment. And it is. But you’ll never climb the mountain if you constantly stare at the peak without ever looking at the ground directly in front of you. The best way to complete your journey is to look at the ground where you are and occasionally glance at the peak to ensure you’re moving in the right direction. This is the role of feedback we discussed last week in Elder Ballard’s Conference address. Once you know you’re moving in the right direction, be where you are. Whatever stage you’re in, that’s the place where you should be. That means your actions show you’re in casual dating if you’re in that stage of your journey. When you’re ready to move to the next stage of your journey, secure the agreement you need to enter that next stage. Keep focusing on where you are and the very next step you need to take. Your steps will build upon themselves, and eventually you’ll find you’ve climbed the peak. I have yet to find my eternal companion, but I’ve found some wonderful experiences by opening myself to new possibilities when casually dating. I’ve also had more committed dating experiences because I opened myself more in casual dating. Open yourself to new possibilities. You just might be surprised. And you’ll have more joy in your journey.
Last week I described the best vacation I’ve ever had. It imbued me with a new attitude and zest for life. I feel I have endless opportunity to bring my life to the next level. Some of those opportunities I found by identifying knowledge I lack. For example, to improve my relationships with family members, I can acquire better communication skills. I decided to look for a book or other resource that can help me learn those skills. We often think about school when thinking about learning. But sometimes the learning we need is in the local library. We can often create our own “courses” to acquire the knowledge and skills we need with the resources which many libraries provide to their patrons for free. Regardless of the venue, we all need to be learning something in order to take any aspect of life to the next level. There’s even value in learning something simply for the sake of learning. Simply put, if you’re not always learning, then you’re missing out on opportunities to get more out of your life. We believe in learning We Latter-day Saints inherently believe in continuous learning. It’s encoded in our religion. After all, “the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth” (D&C 93:36). In a great treatise on truth, the Lord describes acquiring light so that it grows “brighter and brighter until the perfect day” (D&C 50:24). He later extolled, “Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith” (D&C 88:118). We also have His admonition to “study and learn, and become acquainted with all good books, and with languages, tongues, and people” (D&C 90:15). We don’t have to learn everything at once, “for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength,” but we must be diligent in applying ourselves, “that thereby [we] might win the prize” (Mosiah 4:27). As the Prophet Joseph learned while translating the Book of Mormon, “Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end” (D&C 10:4). And we have the assurance our diligence will be rewarded, “for every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened” (3 Nephi 14:8). Embracing learning in every stage of life can open new pathways to live our religion more fully and deepen the measure of our faith. We have endless opportunity Every stage of life also provides endless learning opportunities. We can acquire new knowledge for our current stage in life or transition into the next. We can also learn for its own sake. I’ve known several single sisters who saw the need to return to school. Providing for their family required earning more income, which they weren’t getting outside of a career path which a college degree would open for them. It certainly wasn’t easy. Just working and raising their children is challenge enough. Adding school into that mix was no picnic, but they squared their shoulders and did what was necessary to conquer the challenge before them. Other LDS singles need simply to learn more about their current career path. Rather than change careers, they need to learn skills that can make them more valuable in the marketplace. If that describes you, seek advice from successful professionals in your field. If you do what they do long enough, their success can be yours. The world is filled with so much to learn about. It’s hard for people on the learning train to get bored. But if they ever do, they can always sit in another car and keep enjoying the ride. Embrace your opportunity What do you need to learn to take your life to next level? What do you need to learn to improve your relationships or your employment? What do you need to learn to grow and embrace the blessings your Heavenly Father has prepared for you? And let’s not forget learning just for the sake of learning. Learning for its own sake is great for enhancing curiosity. And it’s curiosity that opens the doors to greater joy in living. Whatever you need to learn, when you partner with the Lord, you can counsel with Him on how you should proceed. In my life, I’ve often found that the resources I need to learn what I need to learn cross my path if I share my concerns with Him and then proceed about my way with an open mind. Embracing those opportunities has greatly enriched my life. In short, learning simply enhances the value of living. And that brings us more joy in our journey.
The Internet overflows with dating gurus who fancy themselves body language experts. But when you read quality sources, like books written by consultants who make their living training law enforcement professionals, you quickly realize how much misinformation abounds about body language. Most of us use body language subconsciously — out of habit — because we’re not consummate actors always performing for everyone around us. And very often the true message we send non-verbally differs from a false message we could send verbally. In order to see the real message, you need to remember the 2 Cs: clusters and context. The problem with many online dating gurus is they don’t display any understanding of either clusters or context. They interpret individual gestures with the same meaning regardless of the situation. Learning clusters and context Suppose you see a man folding his arms. What does that gesture mean? It could mean he’s trying to shield himself from his surroundings. But what if he’s sitting in church while someone prays? In that context, he’s more likely just being reverent. Context changes everything. Anyone ignoring context often misses the real meaning being conveyed. Suppose a very upset woman is speaking to this man folding his arms. This context supports the interpretation of placing a barrier around himself. But don’t stop there. Look for clusters, which are combinations of gestures. The other gestures in the cluster provide added context that support a correct interpretation. For instance, is the man standing up or sitting down? If he’s standing, how’s his posture? Is he erect or slumped? And if he’s sitting, what’s his position in the chair? Is he slumped back, straight, or leaning forward any? And what’s the expression on his face? Is he frowning or smiling? Does he look impatient for the woman to stop talking so he can get a word in? Or does he appear to dread being in that moment? When we focus on just one tree, we’re likely to miss the true landscape of meaning the forest provides. Only when we look for clusters with context can we correctly interpret individual body language gestures. Missing opportunities Many LDS singles ignorant of either clusters or context pretend to know the nonverbal message others send. Can you hear the cry of the single LDS woman? “Oh my! He’s sitting next to me! He must want to marry me!” Yet clusters and gestures can tell an entirely different story. I remember once feeling rather discouraged as I came to sacrament meeting. I knew sitting alone would make me feel worse. So I looked for someone to sit with as I entered the chapel. I saw a single sister sitting in one of the pews talking on her phone. I thought she might be the friend I needed. After all, she was a counselor in the stake Relief Society presidency. Boy, was I ever wrong! She extended her call until the meeting began and intentionally ignored me. Even more disheartened than when I came, I cried. She rushed away as soon as the meeting ended. Looking at just the individual gesture — someone sitting next to you — you’ll likely misinterpret the situation. That situation becomes easier to see when you look at clusters — my slouched seating position, the frown and discouraged look on my face, my hands clasped together, tears streaming from my eyes — and context (which required some verbal communication in order to understand I just needed a friend). Had this single sister interpreted my body language correctly, perhaps she would have recognized my need and been more compassionate. Instead, she missed an opportunity to provide Christ-like service. Getting out of the way We need to interpret body language correctly not only in others but also in ourselves. Because body language is subconscious and performed out of habit, we can unknowingly send the wrong signals. Years before I met that sister, a friend asked me why I always walked around with my fists clenched. I was completely unaware of her observation, which seemed so ridiculous to me that I initially rejected it. But as I considered my friend wouldn’t lie to me, I began paying attention. And I noticed she was right! Thinking back on past experiences, I could see how someone might misinterpret my body language gesture. I was my own worst obstacle. Realizing this, I made a more conscious effort to change. Here’s the truth about body language: One individual gesture can have many different interpretations, each depending upon clusters and context. The next time you try to read someone’s nonverbal message, make sure you consider clusters and context. You’ll be more likely to foster understanding. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
We all have those times when we feel the elements of life oppressing us to the point of pure exhaustion. Those experiences are part of mortality. That’s by design. I know this doesn’t really compare with my trials earlier this year, but I really didn’t want to return to work this week. Having all last week off was most welcome. This semester has been a grueling one for us instructors as well as for our students. We were all ready for a break. But it didn’t seem like enough to me. Even midweek, I’m still struggling to return to the typical swing. Whatever their shape or size, hard times come to everyone. Many of the challenges we LDS singles face are tailored to our unique circumstances, but guess what? So are everyone else’s. Again, that’s by design. Such days call for added perspective, renewal of purpose, and a return to our journey along the path to our heavenly home. Add to your perspective No matter how events in your life unfold, some truths remain constant. God still lives. He still loves you and is still aware of the smallest details in your life. The restored gospel is still true. Prophets and apostles are still living on the earth. Priesthood power and authority are still accessible. And the covenants you’ve made with God are still in effect and full of power provided you’re still faithful. You also still have the opportunity to start over. Every day is a gift from God because each one brings a new opportunity to try again. Even your worst day is a great day when viewed that way. I’ve discussed before the importance of recognizing that every trial we endure will eventually pass. I’ve also touched on using our God-given gift of agency to leverage the obstacles before us into opportunities. Looking for how you can grow from your experiences may not make the unpleasant ones less unpleasant, but it will give you added strength to endure them with joy and increased gratitude to God. Those experiences refine you so you become more like your Heavenly Father. And that prepares you by design to live with Him in a state of eternal happiness. Renew your purpose Understanding that design positions you to renew your journey with hope for the future. You weren’t put here to fail. You were put here to succeed, and that gloriously! Knowing opportunity exists amid the obstacles in your path invites you not only to see with new eyes but also to renew your sense of purpose with faith in a loving God Who will provide the tools you need to succeed. I’ve long advocated LDS singles adopt a personal ministry, a personalized approach to bring goodness into the world. Having a personal ministry allows you to focus on the positive aspects of every circumstance because that brings what you can do into higher resolution. Many LDS singles feel unfulfilled because they want to progress towards eternal marriage but for one reason or another don’t. Staying stuck means no progress, and no progress means no fulfillment. Personal ministries can help LDS singles to find fulfillment in advancing an agenda designed to benefit their brothers and sisters in their mortal journeys. Your focus becomes your reality, so when you focus on advancing your personal ministry, your reality finds you an active advocates of positivity rather than a pathetic victim whimpering in a helpless corner of life. Return to your journey By throwing yourself into your unique way to increase goodness in the world, you can access a strength available only as you serve others with all your heart. That strength allows you to renew your purpose along the journey home through mortality. You’re never abandoned because heavenly help is always available. Your journey home in mortality can be divided into the individual days you spend here. Each day is a gift from God bringing the opportunity to begin again. No matter how bad any number of previous days may have been, each morning the sun rises to reveal a clean slate before you. What will we do with that new opportunity? Even the worst days are great days because every day is a gift from God. He has given you the space and the tools you need to grow and become like Him. And He has given you the agency allowing you to choose for yourself. Each day you get another opportunity. What will you do with yours? I hope you’ll add to your perspective, renew your purpose, and then return to your journey to your heavenly home with positive energy and optimism for your future. We all have great reasons to hope. Focusing on those reasons will bring all of us more joy in our journey.
blog and program immediately afterwards is challenging. But this time around the choice was clear. From the moment I heard President Russell M Nelson speak, I knew his address was the one. How could it not be? In his address, entitled “Joy and Spiritual Survival,” President Nelson discusses how to feel joy amidst the trials of life. That’s very much in line with Joy in the Journey Radio, a project I developed to spread positive energy into the lives of LDS singles everywhere. President Nelson’s remarks directly promote that purpose. In addition, those remarks provided unanticipated blessings. Although many of the references are simply scriptural citations, quite a few include comments that elucidate his main address. Including them (as I do in parentheses in the portions I’ll quote) provides helpful perspectives. I also found further answers for the questions I posed last week regarding local leaders who fail to support singles. Taking my own medicine Let’s tackle that elephant first. In the middle of his address, President Nelson taught, “Saints can be happy under every circumstance. We can feel joy even while having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year! My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives” [emphasis added]. I had the answer in front of me the whole time. How long have I been preaching that your focus determines your reality? It’s a bedrock principles of my blog and this program. By focusing on the lack of support and love from my local leaders, I created a reality in which I felt unsupported and unloved. How thankful I am to President Nelson for reminding me to take my own medicine! That doesn’t excuse local leaders who fail to support singles. I’ll never excuse inaction due to ignorance. If you need to learn something in order to move ahead, then please accept one word of free advice — learn! We don’t always have all the answers we need in life, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Looking for those answers helps us to grow. And we can’t always do life alone; that’s why we have each other. We’re supposed to help each other as we journey home. Seeking the positive In reality, we all need to balance help we provide ourselves and help from others. Marriage is designed to provide much of the support outside ourselves. Singles by definition aren’t married and so are more out of balance to begin with. That concept seems simple, yet it never ceases to amaze me how many local leaders don’t seem to realize that a greater measure of imbalance means we singles need a greater measure of help to make up the difference. Confronted with that situation, we can very easily focus on the injustice of the inequity. But when we do, we compound the problem by preventing ourselves from being part of the solution. We need to help our local leaders just as much as we need them to help us. Where there is ignorance, we should educate. Where they show lack concern, we should show greater concern. President Nelson hit the nail on the head when he declared,
When we confront the injustices that come naturally from being single in a family-centered culture, we must place our focus on Christ and the positive benefits our challenges can offer. If we see only the obstacles, we’ll never see the opportunities. Every challenge comes with opportunity to bless, to uplift, and to increase goodness in a world starving for it. True disciples of Christ will always seek those opportunities. Rejecting the negative Seeking the positive is only one side of the joy coin. We also need to reject the negative. President Nelson declared, “Anything that opposes Christ or His doctrine will interrupt our joy. That includes the philosophies of men, so abundant online and in the blogosphere.” President Nelson also taught that the unrighteous can never feel joy “not in this world nor in the world to come” because “joy is a gift for the faithful. (Righteous Saints ‘who have endured the crosses of the world … shall inherit the kingdom of God, … and their joy shall be full forever’ (2 Nephi 9:18).) It is the gift that comes from intentionally trying to live a righteous life, as taught by Jesus Christ. (For examples, see 2 Nephi 27:30; Alma 27:16–18.)” Christ is the great prototype. Following His example can help us to feel joy even in the midst of great trial. President Nelson declared,
Yes, our local leaders won’t always get it when it comes to ministering to singles. And injustice will often result. But we can better endure those moments by focusing on the Savior and our covenants to follow Him. Doing that places us in a better position to be heard by our local leaders. And doing that can open us to the joy of Christ, a joy that can swallow all of our sufferings and that can be ours every day.
Recently I’ve been considering how I arrived where I am today. I remember a really dramatic episode from several years ago involving a woman I loved with all my heart. I was in my mid-30s and considered her as my last chance to secure the blessings I’d been wanting for over a decade. Everything seemed OK until my rose-colored glasses could no longer obscure the truth. She called to tell me she was seeing another guy. I still held hope things could turn around. After all, we’re supposed to believe in miracles, right? Only deep down I didn’t really believe a miracle would happen for me. Instead I felt desperate. It seemed my last hope was slipping away from me. I kept thinking about what I didn’t want to have happen. So what happened next shouldn’t surprise anyone. She called on my birthday to say she was engaged to be married in two weeks. She knew it was my birthday because earlier she sang “Happy birthday” into my voicemail. As if stabbing me through the heart wasn’t enough, she twisted the knife by bluntly telling me I wasn’t invited to the wedding. The excruciating emotional turmoil that ensued felt unbearable. The anguish of being lost for eternity tortured me. I felt more alone and forsaken than at any point in my life. I entered a depression that took literal months to overcome. See the opportunity
I’ve learned in the years since my tragic episode I wasn’t alone in seeing a specific relationship as my only hope for securing eternal blessings. And I’ve also learned I created much of the pain and anguish I felt from losing that relationship. I hurt like I did because of the way I was thinking. That concept may shock some, but it’s no less true. Sure, other people make choices, sometimes against us. But we construct much of our reality, including our emotional reality, with our thinking. The story has been told of two salesman who get up one morning and see a very wet and windy storm. The first one says, “Wow, what a storm! No one can expect us to go out and make sales today.” He stays home. The second one says, “Wow, what a storm! And what a great day to make sales. Everyone will be home, even the other salesmen!” Both men saw the same storm, but each had a different reality because each choose to see the same storm differently. Where one saw an obstacle, the other saw an opportunity. Really believe That’s what my experiences have taught me over the years. As much as it once felt like I blew my last chance, God has provided others. I just needed to see the opportunities instead of the obstacles. Part of that required me to recognize what an opportunity actually is. So many of us LDS singles think so narrowly in that regard we’re standing in our own way. We place too many and too stringent filters up front, removing qualified candidates from our consideration. And we view the whole dating journey through binary lenses which blind us from seeing any value in relationships that for whatever reason don’t end in marriage. Last week I provided the key to changing our perspective. We need to believe the gospel — I mean, really believe it. We know God loves us, but when you truly believe it, you’ll have the confidence He’s constantly working on clearing the next best pathway to your blessings. We know God is all-knowing, all-powerful, etc., but when you truly believe He has His characteristics, you’ll walk in faith He’ll turn everything bad in your life into everything good. All your mourning will turn into joy. In truth, there is no Obi Wan. There’s never a last and only chance for eternal happiness. God loves you so much He’ll never stop providing you with opportunities to secure your blessings. You just need to set your thinking straight. You need to see the opportunities instead of the obstacles. You need to believe what you know is true. And you need to start doing the right things. The sooner you get on that train, the sooner you’ll savor the joy you can have in life. Last week I extolled our need to choose Christ when life takes unanticipated turns. No matter how bereft or lost you may feel, Christ can transform your life into something meaningful and joyful. Part of that transformation involves your sense of identity. Although many LDS singles know in their mind they’re children of God, many of them have yet to know that truth in their heart. And getting to that deeper level is essential to weathering the storms of LDS singles life with joy in our journey. For example, many LDS singles see themselves and others through the lens of circumstance. Most people, single or married, do this habitually because others’ actions teach them so to act. Yet the perspectives embodied in many of these actions serve more to hinder our progression towards eternal goals than to help. Christ offers ennobling perspectives. To gain those, we need to choose to think in new and different ways. And that means seeing ourselves and others with greater clarity. You are not your body Everyone knows how your body is shaped or groomed isn’t the real you. Yet many LDS singles — men and women — use physical appearance to filter who they befriend and date. These actions clearly communicate you must be attractive to be loved. And many of us feel very unloved. Of course, most prefer interactions with physically attractive people. Improving your physical appearance can increase your chances of having the interactions you want. But people are also hardwired to respond positively to a great attitude. I’m always inclined to know more about someone who displays generosity and cheerfulness towards me. You are not your body. You are the character you choose to embrace. You are not your job It amazes me how some singles accept not getting to know someone who happens to be unemployed. That’s like saying it’s OK to divorce a spouse who loses a job. “What? You lost your job? Well, time to find someone else. See ya!” That’s absolutely ridiculous. And yet many of us have no qualms about filtering others with that ridiculous standard. Those actions clearly communicate you must be occupationally successful to be loved. And many of us feel very unloved. Of course, people typically prefer interactions with successful people. Improving your career can increase your chances of having the interactions you want. But people are also hardwired to respond positively to a great attitude. I’m always inclined to know more about optimistic people. You are not your job (or lack of one). You are the energy you choose to radiate. You are not your bank account On a related note, many LDS singles use wealth to filter who they befriend and date. These actions clearly communicate you must be financially secure in order to be loved. And many of us feel very unloved. I can understand the allure of security, but it’s all facade. Marrying the right person can help us become who we need to become. That’s a life more fully lived than simply not having to worry about how to pay the bills. Of course, we all want to associate with successful people. Improving your financial situation can help you to have the interactions with others you want. But people are also hardwired to respond positively to a great attitude. I’m always inclined to know more about someone who sees the opportunities rather than the obstacles. So are others. My bank account has seen highs and lows, but the best romantic relationships of my life occurred during the lows, not the highs. That’s because my confidence, the confidence others find attractive, has nothing to do with my bank account. How I choose to approach life speaks volumes about who I really am. You are not your bank account. You are the confidence you choose to exhibit in your life. Stay firm Not everyone will choose this perspective. That’s OK. Their use of traditional filters tells you exactly who they are, making it easier for you to filter them from your consideration. When high ideals inform your daily actions, it’s much easier for others to see and focus on your best you rather than any deficiencies. In short, it’s easier for you to succeed. It’s also a more enjoyable way to navigate LDS singles life. Improving how you think improves your approach to life. Making conscious choices to communicate and reinforce gospel ideals with your actions provides more joy in everyone’s journey. You can create a rich life through meaningful contribution. You are not your circumstances. If you think you are, reformat and reboot yourself. You are a child of God with infinite worth and potential. Start seeing that in yourself, and then others will be able to see that more clearly too.
is the very real result of choices you and others have made. But that doesn’t mean you’ve lost a glorious future. There is always hope because there is always Christ. Many LDS singles easily feel their hopes of a temple marriage reside far outside their reach, if they even exist at all. Yet our reality abounds with opportunities for us to have the blessings we desire. We simply need eyes to see what’s really there around us. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf testified of that. His April 2016 General Conference address entitled “He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home” reminds us of the hope all of us can have in a bright and wonderful future. God can rebuild you President Uchtdorf recounted his childhood experience living near Dresden, Germany, during World War II. Bombing totally devastated that city. President Uchtdorf particularly noted the destruction of the Lutheran church the Church of Our Lady. The war reduced this once grand monument to rubble. Yet 70 years later, the city now stands completely renewed. This includes the Lutheran church. Some of the old stones were used in its reconstruction. President Uchtdorf describes the sight of these stones within the structure as “‘scars’ [which] are not only a reminder of the war history of this building but also a monument to hope — a magnificent symbol of man’s ability to create new life from ashes.” President Uchtdorf then remarks,
No matter how derailed you feel your life may be, you can get it back on track. Through the Atonement, Christ can heal anyone and restore anything. But He won’t violate individual agency. We need to choose Him to effect His marvelous Atonement in our lives.
Of course the Savior will. That’s the whole purpose behind His Atonement — to rescue us from an impossible situation separated from God. While not on the same scale, many LDS singles experience their own individual impossible situations. “With all my deficiencies, how could anyone want to marry me in the temple?” “How can I ever rebuild my life after losing my marriage to divorce?” “How can my life have any meaning now that my spouse has died?” No matter the question, choosing Christ is the answer. That’s because choosing Christ is always the answer to life’s difficult questions. Centering our lives around Him provides us with the perspective we need to journey home. And because He’s already feeling after you, you’re sure to find and feel His love once you choose Christ. President Uchtdorf proclaimed,
You are made of more glorious matter than what your earthly eyes can see. No matter how lost or despairing you may feel, the eternal God of the universe Who has always and will always love you is still in control. Your eternal destination has not changed. Although earthly circumstances may necessitate a different path than what you anticipated, that eternal destination is still within your reach. So reach after it. Abandon your doubts and embrace your faith. Forsake your fears and face the glorious future awaiting you. When you choose Christ, He’ll stand by you for each step you can take and carry you for each step you cannot. Choose Him today and start to experience the hope that can lead to more joy in your journey home.
|
Author
Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
Comment
Joy in the Journey Radio encourages the free discussion of ideas but reserves the right to remove and/or block comments which do not conform to LDS standards.
Donate
Joy in the Journey Radio offers many free resources to help LDS singles everywhere, but it certainly isn't free! Help Joy in the Journey Radio in its mission to improve the lives of LDS singles by donating today.
Posts by Month
December 2022
Categories
All
|