You should date everyone

"When you correctly understand the fundamentals of dating and the two types of dating, you can’t avoid a simple but profound conclusion: Unless the other person is a jerk, a stalker, or a criminal, you should date everyone."

Last week while discussing Elder Ballard’s most recent Conference address, I spoke about making goals to get married and our need to center our dating efforts on the Savior.  Doing that means understanding the fundamentals of dating.

One fundamental principle is recognizing the two types of dating.  We often confuse ourselves by not making this distinction.  We introduce even more confusion in our dating journey when we try to be where we aren’t.  Placing too much seriousness too soon in our journey turns us into our own worst obstacle.

Being in the place where we are means conforming our actions to where we currently find ourselves.  Because there are two types of dating, we should act differently in each respective stage.  Committed dating will have more seriousness than casual dating.

In fact, when you correctly understand the fundamentals of dating and the two types of dating, you can’t avoid a simple but profound conclusion: Unless the other person is a jerk, a stalker, or a criminal, you should date everyone.

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You choose your probability of success

The provision against dating a jerk, a stalker, or a criminal makes sense to most.  You shouldn’t compromise your personal safety.  But the rest of the conclusion to date everyone else will put many LDS singles into a panic.

If that’s you, please calm down.  This just shows you understand neither the fundamentals of dating nor the nature of casual dating.

A casual date is just that — casual.  So why make the date serious by putting extensive restrictions on having one?  The point of casual dating is to learn more about what you want in a companion so you can narrow down your selections to just one.  You’ll then focus on securing the agreement you need to transition to committed dating.

That means your probability of success increases as you increase the size of your casual dating pool.  You do that when you lower the restrictions on who can enter.  That means dating everyone (with the obvious exceptions, of course).

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Feeling is not knowledge

Many of us want to resist this way of thinking.  Some may think I’m advising against having standards while dating.  Still others may reject the conclusion because they just “know” So-and-so isn’t right for them.

First, you should have standards while dating.  Your success, however, will be more likely if you’ll be in the place where you are.  Casual dating by its very name suggests a different set of standards than committed dating.  You could very well casually date someone who you do not committedly date.  In fact, most of us have.

Second, I understand the feeling that comes when considering some people as a potential date.  It’s like every cell in your body is screaming “NO!”  But feeling is not knowledge.  You’ll never know unless (1) an angel or other heavenly messenger gives you the knowledge or (2) you get your own experience.  I’m thinking the odds for most of us seeing an angel aren’t that great.

I love this comment from a married woman named Kathryn.

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In many ways, my husband is very different from the type of man I always thought I would marry.  Had I not been open to all possible candidates, I would not have discovered my true love.  Looking at people to date not just in terms of how they would be as a spouse but how they could be as a friend might help alleviate the pressure and make each dating experience more successful.  Some single people seem to place too much importance on each and every date.  Enjoyment and friendship may come through relaxing and trying to discover the great qualities about each individual irrespective of that person's possibilities as a spouse ("Questions and Answers", Ensign, March 2006 [emphasis added]).

Such examples abound, showing we really don’t know like we think we do.  We should stop pre-judging others and open ourselves to new possibilities.  Let experience tell the tale.  Like Kathryn, you just might be surprised at what you don’t know.

Be in the place where you are

Our LDS subculture has primed us for years to look to temple marriage as a pivotal life moment.  And it is.  But you’ll never climb the mountain if you constantly stare at the peak without ever looking at the ground directly in front of you.

The best way to complete your journey is to look at the ground where you are and occasionally glance at the peak to ensure you’re moving in the right direction.  This is the role of feedback we discussed last week in Elder Ballard’s Conference address.

Once you know you’re moving in the right direction, be where you are.  Whatever stage you’re in, that’s the place where you should be.  That means your actions show you’re in casual dating if you’re in that stage of your journey.

When you’re ready to move to the next stage of your journey, secure the agreement you need to enter that next stage.  Keep focusing on where you are and the very next step you need to take.  Your steps will build upon themselves, and eventually you’ll find you’ve climbed the peak.

I have yet to find my eternal companion, but I’ve found some wonderful experiences by opening myself to new possibilities when casually dating.  I’ve also had more committed dating experiences because I opened myself more in casual dating.  Open yourself to new possibilities.  You just might be surprised.  And you’ll have more joy in your journey.

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