You must make conscious choices to own your life. The reality you construct for yourself is one of the most important of those conscious choices.
In Episode 1 of the Star Wars movie series (yes, I’m an enginerd), Jedi master Qui-Gon Jin wants to train young Anakin Skywalker in the Jedi arts but is forbidden to do so. So he tells Anakin to watch him closely. “Always remember,” he then says, “your focus determines your reality.” That’s some really great advice for all of us, even if you don’t aspire to be a Jedi knight.
An experience with the principle
During sacrament meeting in a former ward, I shared a pew with a young couple and their two very rambunctious and obnoxious boys. When the tray reached our pew, the young father made sure his family received the sacrament. He then passed the tray back to the Aaronic Priesthood holder.
At first I couldn’t believe he had denied me the sacrament. Never have I ever imagined that happening to me. I thought to myself, Does he not know that I am here?
Yet I observed the great effort required to keep one of his sons somewhat settled. His wife was obviously exasperated just as much with the other one. I then realized that I really was oblivious to him.
It wasn’t because he didn’t care. It wasn’t because he was married and I was single. It was because he focused so much on his son that someone sitting not two feet away was outside of his world. His focus had determined his reality.
LDS singles don't need to feel dissatisfied with their lives
Many singles who focus on the eternal companion they don’t have can enter a serious depression. They can become so focused on what they don’t have that they can’t see anything but a dissatisfying condition. They feel forgotten and lost in a sea of people living lives they want but don’t have.
I once felt like that, but not any more. You don’t have to feel that way either. If you want to be a part of your ward’s reality, then get inside their focus. Make meaningful contributions to the lives of other ward members.
You don’t need a calling to make that happen. You need only to recognize a need and then work to fill it. With that focus, your reality will be much more enjoyable.
Your problem is not that you're single
If you think your solution to a dissatisfying life is getting married, think again. And then change the way you think. Your focus determines your reality.
No, changing the way you think won’t make your eternal companion magically appear. I’m not talking about a magic lamp with a genie inside.
And yet I am. When I was incredibly focused on what I didn’t have, that way of thinking wasn’t making me a happy me. And an unhappy me is an unattractive me.
Changing the way I think didn't make me instantly married. My physical circumstances did not change. No attractive woman in a belly dancer costume appeared. I was just as single as I’ve always been.
But changing the way I think did make me instantly more marriageable. The way I perceived my circumstances changed. I felt much better about myself and my future prospects. That change made me a much happier me.
And that happier me translated into a much more attractive me. Why? Because most people don’t want to spend twenty minutes let alone eternity with someone who isn't happy.
Being that happier me means that someone will more likely want to share my life with me, whether or not she wears a belly dancer costume. If all I see in my life is a collection of negative emotion, then how can my reality be anything different? And who would want to share that with me? There is no greatness or glory in darkness.
So what's your reality? Do you like your reality? If you answered no, then what's your focus? Your focus determines your reality. If you want to change your reality, then change your focus to one designed to produce the reality you want.
Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly radio show to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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