Understanding the two parts of making a dating connection is fundamental.  The first part involves being agreeable enough.  The second involves crossing paths with someone who’s agreeable enough to you and who thinks you’re agreeable enough.

This is where many LDS singles put the cart before the horse.  They completely skip over making any changes in themselves to become more agreeable, focusing instead on finding the right singles ward or attending the right activity or joining the right online dating site.  They jump ahead to the point of crossing paths with the right person.

Here’s the problem with that approach.  Even if you do cross paths with the right person, that person won’t connect with you if you’re not agreeable enough.  The fundamentals of the dating journey always operate regardless of whether we attend to them or not.  You won’t progress to any stage of the dating journey without the agreement you need to be in that stage, and you don’t make agreements if you’re not agreeable enough.  Cross paths with the perfect companion and it won’t make any difference to your dating journey because you won’t secure the agreement you need to progress without being agreeable enough.

Accepting the truth that most of us aren’t agreeable enough as we are now is a hard pill to swallow.  We want to think we don’t need to change to be good enough, and it’s because we’re biologically hardwired to think that way.

The brain is designed to maintain a status quo, and it does this by establishing habits.  That’s why 95% of what we do everyday is out of habit; habits help to maintain a status quo.  The brain will dream of a “better” future; dreaming of a “better” future doesn’t affect the status quo.  But when it comes to taking action towards that dream, our biological hardwiring kicks in.  Taking action means change, and change threatens the status quo.  And so our brain, designed to maintain a status quo, fights the change.

It usually starts with “Yeah, but ...” self talk.  You feel the dream, and then your brain replies, “Yeah, but that’s too hard.”  “Yeah, but you can’t do that.”  “Yeah, but it’ll never work.”  “Yeah, but you’ll get hurt.”  “Yeah, but ...” on and on and on.

And so it’s easy to believe someone should just love us for who we are with no change required on our part.  That belief maintains our status quo, encouraging us to skip ahead to how we’re going to meet that special someone.  We focus on that second part of making a dating connection without considering the first part.  We put the cart before the horse.

How much progress do you think you’ll make with that?  The horse can’t pull from behind and doesn’t push very well.  Putting the horse ahead of the cart promotes better progress.  Likewise, you’ll make better progress in dating when you attend to making yourself more agreeable before focusing on finding ways to cross paths with that special someone.

As I said earlier, the fundamentals of the dating journey operate whether or not we attend to them.  They even operate whether or not we know about them.  Dating is not only hard but confusing when you don’t know the fundamentals.  The different parts tend to work better when you place them in the proper order.

So don’t put the cart before the horse.  If you aren’t agreeable enough as you are now, then you need to spend less time looking for ways to cross paths with a potential partner and more time improving yourself to become more agreeable to a potential partner.  Master the fundamentals of what you’re trying to do, and you’ll find more success in your efforts.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

And that’s the rub.  Bettering our position to receive a miracle requires work, and most of us don’t want to work for our miracles.  We just want them to appear.  Yet miracles still follow universal law.  Appropriate work on our part aligns us with the universal law governing the miracles we seek.  That often involves delivering value, because at the end of the day, it’s all about value.

So many of our desired miracles involve other people using their agency to advantage us.  The miracle of companionship is one such example.  Yet this miracle like all others follows universal law, which begs the question:  What laws govern the occurrence of this miracle?

The answer resides in the fundamentals of the dating journey.  Those who align themselves with the fundamentals position themselves to receive that miracle more easily.  Those who don’t stumble and trip up over and over again.

Stepping back and looking at the fundamentals, it’s easy to see they’re all about value.  Arriving at any stage of the dating journey requires an agreement, and you secure any agreement by being agreeable enough.  That means providing sufficient value.  At the end of the day, it really is all about value.

And that’s where work comes in.  We can change ourselves and our environment to become more agreeable by offering more value and thereby position ourselves to receive more easily the miracle we seek.  And we’re not in this alone.  When we partner with the Lord, He’ll help us (1) to know what work we need to do and (2) to do that work.

We start by understanding what value we offer today.  Those who already offer great value have less to do, whereas those offering less value have more work to do.  Either way, we should seek input from others when assessing the value we offer.  We’re all inherently biased to overestimate the value we offer.  That bias blinds us from many of the imperfections diminishing our value.  Input from others combined with counseling with the Lord can help us overcome our inherent bias and blindness.

So when that 400-pound single adult partners with the Lord and considers input received from others, the realization comes that losing weight and taking better care of one’s body will ease the arrival of the companionship miracle.  Partnering with the Lord, that single adult seeks and follows guidance to assemble a plan and then involves the Lord in executing that plan.  Losing weight then becomes not just a physical change but a spiritual adventure experienced step by step at the Lord’s side with the intention of easing a miracle into one’s life.  Can we not feel the increased power behind this approach to securing miracles?  It all starts with a focus on value.

As we work to improve the value we offer, we need to remember value has different meanings in different contexts.  We also shouldn’t forget everything’s interconnected.

For instance, value in the dating context isn’t value in the eternal context.  We all already have immense value in eternity as children of God, but we all have different value when it comes to dating.  The value of an attribute differs with context, but low value in one particular context often means a lack of attributes valued in that context.

When we see ourselves lacking the valued attributes in the context of a desired miracle, we shouldn’t surrender to despair.  Instead, we should partner with the Lord and get to work.  We should look for invigoration in meeting the challenge and work with faith that, with the all-powerful Lord at our side, we can make any miracle happen.  Making gains in one area of our lives can strengthen us in other areas, giving us a further boost towards making our miracle happen.

At the end of the day, it’s all about value.  Looking through that lens can provide a clarity of vision regarding needed changes.  As we make those changes in partnership with the Lord, we can feel more confidence as we ease the miracles we seek into our lives and more gratitude when those miracles finally appear.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

Yes, I know how incredible that may sound to some, especially if your life hasn’t gone the way you expected.  You’ve probably also had some painful experiences involving either someone else deciding against you in a single instance or many others using their agency across multiple instances.  Maybe you’ve experienced both.  But even if you’ve had the whole world against you, I still say seek and expect miracles.

We typically think of miracles as events that defy the laws of nature.  For me, miracles are manifestations of one or more universal laws we don’t understand fully.

This shift in perspective is essential to why I say we should seek and expect miracles.  The perspectives we take and the assumptions we embrace are everything; they’re key components of our thinking, which produces our actions, which in turn produces our results.  In the end, we all want results, so when we don’t get desired results, we need to examine our thinking.

President Nelson begins his comments on miracles with this declaration:

First, he illustrates his concept with the words of a single adult!  And this wasn’t just any single.  No, Moroni had everything ripped from him.  He witnessed the destruction of his people in a horrible war, leaving him to wander alone for the safety of his own life.  Yet he still declared fervent belief in miracles.

All lives have painful disappointments, but most don’t compare to Moroni’s.  If in his circumstances he could find the strength to believe in miracles, could we not muster the courage to do the same?

President Nelson continued,

It’s not just Moroni but every book of scripture declaring belief in miracles — all the more reason to question our perspectives and assumptions leading us to disbelieve in miracles.  While we question, we should remember the Prophet’s caveat: Miracles can take time and may not unfold how we expect.  So often LDS singles seeking a miracle expect something so inconsistent with universal law they take the absence of their miracle as evidence against miracles.

That last phrase caught my attention.  How many LDS singles have approached their desire for a miracle “doubting nothing”?  Most of us have doubts, some so much so they’re consumed by them.  And yet “doubting nothing” is part of the price of faith we must pay for admission to the miracle show.

That means we’ve got work to do.  It’s no surprise then to see President Nelson’s next words:

How often have we advocated taking ownership of your life, or doing what’s in your power, or partnering with the Lord?  Results come from only one thing — action.  To score points, you must quit sitting on the sidelines and get on the field.  So often the miracle we want is perfection delivered to our doorstep.  In reality, we need to partner with the Lord, accept His guidance, and do the work that will create our miracle.

So many LDS singles wanting a miracle are faint.  They’re weary.  They’re beat down by the vicissitudes of life that point their gaze towards their weaknesses and imperfections, leaving them to wonder how their miracle could ever happen.

But none of that matters when you partner with the Lord, for He “giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.”  With Him, we can do anything, even move the mountain seemingly standing before us.

So yes, even if you’ve had the whole world against you, I still say seek and expect miracles.  Believe they can happen for you.  Partner with the Lord and do the work you must do to have your miracle.  You can then live with confidence that in time your miracle will happen.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

The natural man and woman (and yes, they are worth distinguishing) drive the dating decisions of far too many LDS singles to prize the worldly over the eternal.  The natural mindset informs our assumptions about what’s acceptable, which in turn drives our dating thinking and dating behavior.  When you view the bigger picture, it’s not hard to see we need to reject the natural mindset.

This may shock many, but it needs to be said because awareness is the first step towards positive change.  The vast majority of LDS singles make decisions about dating with the natural mindset.  They prioritize self and attributes that don’t really matter in the hereafter (or even very long in this life, for that matter) over what will truly matter in the eternities to come.  Their thinking is all about this life and more specifically, their life.

In contrast, the covenant mindset prioritizes making and keeping sacred covenants.  Covenant men and women value consistently living the restored gospel.  Having a covenant-minded partner is more important to them than physical attraction, money, fame, or status.  Covenant men and women will choose to date someone who may lack in those attributes but who has that commitment to the covenant lifestyle.

Now, I want to make clear I’m not suggesting any two active LDS singles should come together on that basis alone.  We’re not interchangeable parts.  We’re all unique, nuanced individuals, and our dating decisions should acknowledge that individuality. But that individuality finds best expression within a covenant relationship with someone who prioritizes covenant living.

Yet many LDS singles prioritize finding someone who today excels in desired attributes.  They want perfection up front when the perfection they insist on having really comes only after a lifetime of work.  It’s an impossible standard leaving many singles unnecessarily single.

And there’s a dangerous assumption lurking behind that standard.  It’s the assumption your marriage is all about you — your happiness, your life, your eternity.  But correctly understood, your marriage is not about you.

Yes, it has to do with you, but it’s not entirely about you nor even principally about you.  Your marriage is about your companion and your children — the family you’ll create together.  That often means giving up something you want for yourself in order to prioritize something for them.

That’s why the natural mindset is so dangerous.  Thinking your marriage is all about you engenders a selfish approach to dating and marriage, one that prioritizes what you want over making and keeping sacred covenants.  What do you expect results from that approach?  It’s exactly what we increasingly see — more and more singles remaining single and more and more singles who do get married struggling to make their marriage last.  You don’t get maximum happiness outside covenant living, and the covenant lifestyle doesn’t work when you prioritize self over covenant living.

And that’s why the natural man and the natural woman are enemies of God.  When you prioritize self over covenants, you prevent families, which play a key role in our Heavenly Father’s plan, from being created and nourished.

The real obstruction is the insistence on having nothing but the best in a companion.  It’s the associated idea that “settling for second best” can’t lead to happiness that prevents us from having our maximum happiness.  Only inside sacred covenants can we find maximum happiness.  Happiness is about giving, not having.  So few of us are genuinely top shelf by worldly standards anyway that allowing the natural mindset to drive our dating decisions under the false belief that “settling for second best” leads only to misery is what’s really making us miserable.

If you want your dating journey to lead to maximum happiness, reject the natural mindset.  Start by learning what you need to reject.  Consciously choose to act with a priority of covenant living rather than selfish desire.  And embrace Christ’s wondrous Atonement.  When you do, He’ll purify your desires so that what you sincerely want is what you should want.  Then making the right choices becomes easier.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

It takes practice, but it’s not difficult to think like the opposite gender.  Both men and women think logically and rationally.  Yes, it’s true.  Men use intellectual logic based in reason.  Women use emotional logic based in feeling.  Once you understand these principles, remembering five magic words can help you experience more dating success.

Of course, men and women have their own five magic words because men and women think differently.  So first, brethren, let’s be gentlemen and help the ladies understand the five magic words for men: It must make intellectual sense.

Now, I can already hear some of you objecting, “Men are always following their hormones.  They’re always chasing the hotties!  Where’s the intellectual logic there?”

All men do think with their head.  Unfortunately many don’t use the one between their shoulders.  But let’s get real, ladies.  Those are natural men chasing youth and beauty.  Once you lose yours, they’ll lose you.  What you really want is a covenant man who’ll prioritize making and keeping sacred covenants, take ownership of his life, and demonstrate leadership by making something of himself.

These men aren’t following hormones as much as they follow what makes sense.  That’s how masculine men process thinking — with intellectual logic.  If it makes sense, they accept it.  If it doesn’t make sense, they reject it.

So ladies, stop, for example, trying to attract a man by increasing your own status.  That works to attract a woman because it aligns with how a woman thinks.  But men don’t think like women.  It makes no sense to follow status because that doesn’t offer a man anything he values.  And what sense does it make to chase after something of no value?  It must make intellectual sense.

Of course, women have their own five magic words.  So brethren, let’s huddle around and learn the five magic words for women: New experience with desired emotion.

Once you understand these five magic words, you’ll have come a long way towards understanding women.  That may surprise men fooled by the common myth that women are illogical and irrational.  That’s simply not true.  Women are completely logical and totally rational.  Their logic simply has a different base.

Where men base their logic in intellect, women base their logic in emotion.  Just as men accept what makes sense and reject what doesn’t, women accept what feels good and reject what doesn’t, because feeling good is the emotional equivalent of making sense.  That’s why the five magic words for interacting with women are new experience with desired emotion.

Any man who’s had any experience with women can understand that experience better after applying the five magic words to view it.  Once he does, he’ll understand why women always chase the bad boy, the muscle man, the money man, or the famous man.  These men offer new experience with desired emotion.

There’s so much more about the five magic words that we’ll get into in the course of the broadcast today.  They represent the key to learning how to think like the opposite gender.  And it’s that type of thinking that can unlock the door to greater success with dating.

After all, it all goes back to the fundamentals we’ve discussed so often on this program and The World of TED.  Every stage in the dating journey has an agreement.  If you don’t secure the agreement for a particular stage, you don’t progress there.  And the way to secure an agreement is to be agreeable enough.

Women who can offer men what makes intellectual sense and men who can offer women new experience with desired emotion have a huge advantage in being perceived as agreeable enough.  So remember the five magic words.  They’ll help you see the world through the eyes of the opposite gender.  That perspective can help you approach dating prospects more effectively, encouraging better results.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

After inviting a student to read the first stanza of Robert Herrick’s oft-quoted poem “To the Virgins to Make Much of Time,” Mr. Keating draws the students into a discussion about the meaning of the poem.  Carpe diem is probably the best known Latin expression among the common populace today, most of whom don’t speak Latin.  Yet for as well known as the Latin phrase meaning “seize the day” is, few actually practice it.

And that was the whole point of Mr. Keating’s lecture.  We each have a window of opportunity while we live, and that opportunity is to seize the moment in front of us and make the most of it.  This was Mr. Keating’s message in his first lecture.  “Seize the day, boys!  Make your life extraordinary!”

I’m not sure why it didn’t hit me earlier, but this is a perfect message of LDS singles.  Too many waste their lives away waiting for something wonderful to happen, as though the blessings they want in their life will appear magically at their front door.

Here’s the problem with that approach: It wastes opportunity.  The same agency that singles use to waste away their time waiting for their blessings is the same agency they could be using to make their lives extraordinary.

But most don’t make their lives anything, let alone extraordinary.  They simply flow with the waves of life, going wherever they’ll carry them.  This is the path of the natural man and the natural woman.  Simply following the impulse of the biological programming within our physical bodies is easy, and that programming would have us staying where it is “safe.”

But the extraordinary life doesn’t come to anyone who simply goes with the flow.  Rather it comes to those who will make their own waves to create the currents that carry them to the destination they desire.  They make conscious choices to act against the natural impulse to go with the flow.

Conscious choice is the key not only to making one’s life extraordinary but also to encouraging the blessings you want in your life to come into your life.  Notice I said encourage, not make.  Many blessings require the agency of another to decide in your favor.

That truth doesn’t diminish the greater power we each have to achieve the results we desire.  Too many focus on what is outside their control, and that focus belittles the power we each have to change our lives for the better and make them truly extraordinary.  In reality, many exercise their agency in accordance with what is presented to them.  And you choose what you present to them every single day (pun intended).

So what should you choose to present to others in order to attract the results you desire?  If you want an extraordinary life, then present the elements that will attract an extraordinary life.  This is more than just the activity you embrace in your life.  This is also, and perhaps more importantly, the assumptions and attitude you embody.

Focusing on what you can do will enable you to feel more of the power you truly have within you.  And by acting on that truth, by doing what you can do, you’ll feel more powerful more often.

When you make your life extraordinary, you make yourself more attractive.  So where do you start?  How do you start?

The extraordinary life is an attractive life, but it is also an interesting one.  So start by making your life more interesting.  And the easiest place to begin is with your own imagination.  What do you think makes a life interesting?  Put those things one by one in your life.  And don’t rely on what others think is interesting.  Follow what you yourself genuinely think is interesting.

Make your life extraordinary.  Take action to start living your life.  The more interesting you make your life, the more attractive it will be to others and the more enticed they will be to share it with you.  When you leverage the power you have in your own agency, you can make your life more than you imagined it could be.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

Understandably, the weight of life presses on us all.  For many LDS singles who’ve lived years without the righteous blessings they desire, that weight can be heavy indeed.  A pessimistic outlook on the future that often attends that weight doesn’t help.

But there is always hope because there is always Christ.  He can help us go forward when we feel there is no way forward because He is the Way.  When we give our heartfelt all to Him, He gives us access to His power.  And with His power, we can do all things.

That includes maximizing our joy in LDS singles life.  We can find balance amongst all the tensions of life when we put the Savior and our discipleship to Him first and give our all to Him and His work.  As Elder Uchtdorf explained,

This is how LDS singles can move their lives forward.

This doesn’t mean your solution to the challenges of LDS singles life is more church.  The solution is more you.  When you give more of yourself to what you do, you create the space in which you can have more joy in your life.

It’s that giving more of yourself that actually creates that space for more joy.  That’s why time and time again I’ve defined happiness as giving your all to all the right things for you.  That’s why for years I’ve encouraged LDS singles to embrace a personal ministry.  Like the widow’s mite which Elder Uchtdorf referenced to begin his remarks, your contribution to making the world a better place is worthwhile when it represents your all because it’s only in giving your all that you become a better you.

I can understand why so many LDS singles want to give up on their lives.  Dating often results in frustration and other negative emotions.  Then there’s loneliness.  And those singles who are also parents have double duty in raising their children.  I get it.

But I also get that frustration is a sign you’re going about something the wrong way.  So when you feel life isn’t working right, it’s really you that isn’t working right.  You need a new approach!  Elder Uchtdorf explained how putting the Lord first helps us each find the new approach we need.

When you partner with the Lord by putting Him and His work first and then taking counsel from Him, He Who is the Way will show you the way.  This principle works in every aspect of life, not just discipleship.  When you give more of you to all you do, you can get more out of what you do.

So if you aren’t getting what you want out of dating, give more of you to it.  Start by learning the fundamentals.  If you aren’t getting more of what you want from your occupation, give more of you to it.  And so it goes for every aspect of life.

You can find the balance and lift you need when you give your all and keep moving forward.  So don’t stop.  Don’t stagnate.  Don’t wallow in the mire of despair.  Don’t wrap yourself in pity.  Focus on where you want to go and keep moving forward.  As Elder Uchtdorf taught,

Give your heartfelt all to all you do.  You’ll create the space for more joy in your life.  You’ll see life turning around for you.  And you’ll find more balance and lift in your life as you come closer to the Lord.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

The problem LDS singles have comes when they give too much prominence to what they want.  Then dating becomes all about satisfying their demands to the exclusion of what they have to offer.  As we discussed last week, taking your dating focus off of what you bring takes you out of alignment with the fundamentals of the dating journey.  That’s why you need balance to find the right place for what you want in dating.

As we’ve discussed more times than I can count, your focus determines your reality.  So you won’t truly enjoy your dating journey with the wrong focus.  Enjoying your dating journey requires a focus leading to that reality.

What’s that focus?  There’s a huge clue in the definition of happiness we’ve discussed so many times on this program.  Happiness is giving your all to all the right things for you.  That definition applies just as much to dating as it does to any other part of life.

Being the best complement to your eternal companion, whether or not that person is now in your life, is one of those right things for you.  And happiness comes when you give your all to that and every other right thing for you.  That’s why truly enjoyable dating is about what you bring.

Yet too often LDS singles focus solely on themselves.  They think of their dating journey as the search for what they want, so much so they think little if at all about what they bring to a potential relationship.  As we discussed last week, it’s not about what you want.  When you align yourself with the fundamentals of what you’re trying to do, you find your path to success easier.

Notice I said easier, not easy.  The propensity to approach dating with the focus of what you want is rooted mainly in the natural mindset, which will dominate you if you don’t dominate it.  And that fight for domination isn’t always easy.

That’s because the natural mindset always prioritizes self-gratification over all else.  The natural mindset also always leads to misery.  What else do you expect from a constant focus on taking in order to satiate one’s own desires?  We’ve all been around people who constantly take and give little if anything in return.  No one wants to be around those people.

We all want to be around those who constantly give and take little if anything in return.  So your dating focus should be on being that person.  Be the complement your companion needs, and you’ll more easily find the complement you need in a companion.

This isn’t to say that what you want plays no role in dating.  You’ll of course make choices in who you decide to date, both casually and exclusively.  In these two stages of the dating journey, you have many opportunities to express what you want and the individual uniqueness underlying those inclinations.

But ultimately what you want from your dating journey is a thriving, enriching relationship.  What you want is a complement.  Yet too many chase complication by focusing their efforts too much on what they want to receive and too little on what they have to give.  When you adjust your focus to align with the fundamentals of the dating journey, you’ll stop embracing complication in your dating life because you’ll quit chasing after it.

Balancing what you want in a companion and what you should be in a companion isn’t easy.  But LDS singles who strive to strike that balance center their efforts around complementation.  They focus on being a better complement for the person they want in their life.  This is the right place for what you want in dating.  When you embrace it, dating really will become more about what you bring.  You’ll find it easier to make you a better you and make your life more interesting, thereby making you more agreeable to a potential partner.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

On the surface, that may sound counterintuitive.  How can dating not be about what you want?  How could dating even pretend to bring any semblance of happiness without accounting for individual preference?  Am I suggesting we’re all interchangeable parts or that we should embrace arranged marriages?

No, we’re not interchangeable parts.  And although there have been days I wished I could have an arranged marriage just so the frustrations of my dating life would end, those days are far behind me.  Now I approach dating differently, and my approach comes from more effective thinking which aligns better with the fundamentals of the dating journey.

We’ve discussed countless times in previous broadcasts about one such fundamental: To progress to any stage of the dating journey, you must have the requisite agreement.  And how do you secure that agreement?  How do you secure any agreement?  You do it by being agreeable enough.  So if you aren’t progressing in your journey, you need to become more agreeable.

This is why dating isn’t about what you want.  You can want all you want, but no amount of wanting will compensate for not meeting the other person’s definition of agreeable enough.  It’s easy to focus on how the other person’s standards are unrealistically high.  But even if they really are, you still won’t progress in your dating journey if you aren’t agreeable enough.  That’s why it’s called a fundamental.

Yet many LDS singles approach dating with the assumption it’s about what they want.  And many LDS singles experience great frustration with dating.  That’s not a coincidence.  The one follows the other like night follows day.

Instead of approaching dating with the idea it’s about what you want, focus instead on what you bring.  Think about it.  The ideal marriage is the union of two imperfect people who help each other achieve perfection.  That last part — “help each other achieve perfection” — isn’t based in either partner taking.  It comes from each partner giving.  It’s about what you bring, not what you want.

Of course, to give, you must have something to give.  That’s where working on yourself and having a personal ministry take center stage.  When you improve upon yourself and devote yourself to making your own unique combination of goodness to the world, you build an interesting life that others find more inviting.  Fundamentally, you become more agreeable.

I’m not saying what you want doesn’t factor into dating at all.  There is a place for expressing and acting on personal preferences.  It’s just not behind the driver’s seat of the most effective approach.

And you do have the option of finding someone whose standards of acceptance are low enough to admit you just as you are, but that’s not the more satisfying route.  You’ll likely attract only others who want to stay as they are, and a union with such a person is just a mediocre existence.  The real relationship is one that leaves you better for being a part of it.  That’s one where each partner gives freely to the other, not just exist in the same space.

Dating is not about what you want but about what you bring.  Embracing that truth allows you to adopt a more effective approach to dating.  You’ll more easily embrace the work needed to make you a better you.  You’ll put yourself in service to others.  Then you’ll experience the satisfaction of making progress.  You’ll piece together your best life and thereby increase your probability of finding the companion who will with you make an truly real and ennobling relationship.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

Let me say it again.  No matter who you choose, your partner will never be perfect.  Everyone on this planet has shortcomings, failings, inabilities, and other assorted nuances separating each one of us from perfection.

Why then do so many LDS singles look for perfection when dating?  It’s understandable no one wants to be miserable for eternity.  But many also don’t want to do the work to become more attractive to that “perfect” someone.  They believe they should be loved just as they are.

Many also believe they shouldn’t have to settle.  As the belief goes, only perfection can offer eternal bliss.  “Settling” by accepting anything less simply means condemning oneself to eternal misery.  And again, no one wants to be miserable forever.

But these assumptions lead to the results many LDS singles have of living year after year without the companion they desire.  If you want different results, you need different action, and that comes when you think differently.  But thinking differently means questioning (among other things) assumptions.  So LDS singles who want to turn their lives around should start by questioning their assumptions.

Let’s start by questioning the assumption your companion should love you as you are.  That sounds reasonable on its surface.  After all, God loves you just as you are, so anyone who doesn’t isn’t trying to be like God and so isn’t marriage material.

But that assumption neglects this truth: God doesn’t want you to stay as you are.  He sees what you can become.  Because where you’re going is much more important than where you are, aligning your focus with that eternal truth changes your thinking from insisting on being loved as you are to owning your life and doing what you can to move your life in a favorable direction.  Different thinking leads to different action which leads to different results.

Likewise for the idea that “settling” for anything but the best leads to eternal misery.  It presents a false dichotomy.  Either you’re happy forever, or you’re miserable forever.  There’s no other option.  And it seems reasonable, especially if you judge by your emotions.

But this assumption rests on another assumption that we know what the best is.  The truth is we often don’t.  Feelings aren’t knowledge, so however something feels, reality can be (and often is) quite different.  When you accept that assumption, it’s easier to believe someone you think might not be good for you actually could be.  That belief opens the door to accepting opportunities you might otherwise reject.  And those actions lead to different results.

Really it all comes down to what we’ve discussed here before.  The perfect companion for you is not a perfect person nor a perfect match with your ideal candidate.  Rather the perfect companion for you is the imperfect person with whom you align in values and life direction and who will give freely as you help each other become perfect together.

That’s the essential meaning behind helpmeet — someone who helps you meet your potential.  Again, everyone is imperfect.  But when you align yourself with true principles such as prioritizing an alignment of values and life direction and valuing making and keeping sacred covenants above all else, you can better find the imperfect person who can be the perfect helpmeet for you.

Although never the best, your imperfect companion, when you choose wisely, can help you become the happiest you can possibly be.  So question your assumptions so you can align them with eternal truth.  Then your assumptions will drive more effective thinking, which will lead to more effective actions, which in turn will produce more effective results.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.