Your standards keep you single

. . . if you insist on believing you’ll be happy only with the most attractive companion, then you’re letting your standards keep you single.

Recently while reading comments in a Facebook singles group, some of the participants in the conversation seemed to have a faulty assumption.  As I sat back and reflected for a moment, I quickly realized this faulty assumption has widespread acceptance among many LDS singles everywhere.

If you’ve read my book on habits, you know how your assumptions lead to your reality.  Faulty assumptions promote less effective thinking, which produces less effective actions, which creates a less-than-desired reality.  Conversely, true assumptions by the same route lead to a more desired reality.  So it’s important to examine your assumptions.

And what’s the faulty assumption I see accepted widely among LDS singles?  It’s the idea that only the very best in a romantic partner can produce happiness.  Under this belief, settling for anything less than the most attractive will lead to an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

Many singles hold to that assumption under the guise of having standards.  They seem to see themselves acting nobly in a chaotic dating world by adhering to their standard that insists on only the best.  But such standards actually impede progress in one’s dating journey.  So if you insist on believing you’ll be happy only with the most attractive companion, then you’re letting your standards keep you single.

The falsity

How does one progress in dating?  As I discuss in my upcoming book about dating, to progress to each next stage of the journey, you must make an agreement.  No agreement means no progress.  Period.

In the first stage of the dating journey, you meet new people and build friendships.  In the next stage, you casually date candidates you’ve befriended.  These activities require openness to social interactions.  Otherwise, you’ll likely never get the agreement you need to progress from friendship to casual dating and on to exclusive dating.

But assuming you can be happy in life only if your partner is the “best” or most attractive type limits those interactions.  That faulty assumption will encourage you to engage only with those who meet your standards, because what’s the point, after all, in “wasting your time” with people who simply won’t do romantically because they aren’t the “best”?

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God’s plan

Mathematically, it just isn’t possible for everyone to have the “best.”  Yet many singles cling tenaciously to the hope they’ll be one of the few to score just such a life partner.  After all, no one wants to accept an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

But happiness in marriage doesn’t come from what each partner has.  Happiness in marriage comes from what each partner gives to each other.  And what you give is a choice.

If your partner has to be the “best” or most attractive sort for you to be happy, then God must have really messed up His plan.  Check out these words from then Elder Gordon B Hinckley.

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   The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .
   Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

How can God’s plan provide happiness for all His children if 90% of people aren’t the “best” but just ordinary?  Mathematically, 90% of singles can’t each have monogamous marriage with someone from the top 10%.  At least 80% of singles will be left unhappy if only the “best” makes a happy life.  Because God wants all his children to be happy, clearly happiness must be available without having the most attractive partner.

The truth

And happiness is available to those couples who place honoring sacred covenants above personal desires by giving themselves fully to each other.  Your companion doesn’t need to be the “best” or most attractive for you to give all of yourself to that person.  Granted, it’s more easy to do the more attractive your companion is, but it’s not essential for happiness.

The resistance many feel when confronted with such a choice is the natural man or natural woman in each of us.  The natural man and woman value self-gratification more than making and keeping sacred covenants.  Covenant men and women obviously reverse that value system.

I’m not saying we’re interchangeable parts.  You shouldn’t marry just anybody, and having standards does help with decision making.  Far too many LDS singles, however, insist on standards around what really isn’t essential for lasting happiness.  Elder Gerrit W Gong has taught,

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Happy marriages are not the result of two perfect people saying vows. Rather, devotion and love grow as two imperfect people build, bless, help, encourage, and forgive along the way. The wife of a modern prophet was once asked what it was like being married to a prophet. She wisely replied that she had not married a prophet; she had simply married a man who was completely dedicated to the Church no matter what calling he received. In other words, in process of time, husbands and wives grow together —individually and as a couple.

The wait for a perfect spouse, perfect education, perfect job, or perfect house will be long and lonely. We are wise to follow the Spirit in life’s important decisions and not let doubts spawned by perfectionist demands hinder our progress.

Regardless of how you justify it, when you insist on having only the most attractive type of companion, your standards keep you single.  Lowering those standards to accept more candidates into your dating pool doesn’t mean sacrificing happiness.  Rather, it increases your chances of obtaining it.  So reject the natural man and woman, open yourself to possibility, and you may find the blessings you’ve been seeking have been right in front of you all along.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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