Sometimes your dreams can seem so far away as to be unreachable. So much remains to be done, and so much of that lies outside your control, that you wonder how you’ll ever arrive. How could the blessings you desire ever be yours? Very often there’s a real difference between how things feel and how things really are. Sure, nothing worth having comes easy. But sometimes the obstacles before you can seem bigger than they really are. Only by stepping out of your comfort zone and rising to your challenges do you see how big they really are. And that's when you find what you thought was insurmountable really is doable. You just have to get started and take it one step at a time. By consistently doing the small things that move you further in your journey, you can conquer any challenge set before you. You can go the distance. Get vision What drives those who achieve phenomenal results in life, those who make their dreams reality? It’s vision. Vision is different than sight. Sight depends on what you see with your physical eyes. But vision depends on what you see with your spiritual eyes — the eye of faith. You begin by seeing yourself in a different way. As we’ve frequently discussed, that requires you to think in new and different ways. If you surround yourself with negativity, if your self talk is consistently negative, you'll find it hard to believe in possibility. You'll find it hard to believe that your life could be any different than how it has been. Only when your self talk is consistently positive and you surround yourself with positive energy will you be thinking in ways that allow you to see a brighter tomorrow for yourself. But just seeing yourself differently isn’t enough. You must believe that vision can become reality and that it can be yours — because the truth is that can! Such belief comes from faith — faith that you’re a child of God and that he loves you, faith that He wants you to succeed, faith that He’ll help you realize your dream and become everything you’re capable of becoming. Never surrender When you have a vision of what you can become, that vision can drive you to do incredible things. But you must make the conscious choice to do what is necessary every day to move yourself closer to the realization of your vision. You must adopt a habit of consistently doing what is necessary. The so-called little things in life are really the big things. It's the small actions performed every day that move us closer, inch by inch, to the reality our vision shows us. Observed in one moment of time, those little actions may seem insignificant. But collectively over time, those small actions done every day can comprise a considerable sum. That's why you need the determination to do what’s necessary every day. Never surrender. Results come from action and nothing else. When you fail to act, you don’t make the small contribution that over time adds up to a considerable sum. Only by denying the natural man or woman who wants you to coast, to be satisfied with a life beneath the reality your vision shows you can you overcome mediocrity and achieve your fullest potential and the phenomenal life you dream of having. You must be determined never to surrender. Seek opportunity But that determination can turn to frustration unless you begin to see the opportunities amid your obstacles. Every obstacle comes with at least one opportunity. Most people, however, never see that opportunity because they're too prone to look only at the obstacle. As I’ve said many times, your focus determines your reality. If all you see is the obstacle in front of you, then your reality will be one of obstruction. But when you focus on seeking out the opportunity that comes with every obstacle, your reality will be one of opportunity. And as the Savior once taught, “Seek, and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7). Only by gaining the vision of what your life can be and then resolutely moving towards it, though you move only inches a day, will your dreams ever become reality. But that's what walking by faith is all about. It's not living life based on what you see with your physical eyes. It's living life based on what you see with your spiritual eyes. When you walk by faith, taking each step with vision and determination to do what’s necessary and find the opportunity, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing your dreams will one day be your reality because you choose to go the distance. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
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Sooner or later, everyone encounters hard times. It’s called mortality, and it’s part of the reason why we’re here. Overcoming challenges allows us to learn in ways we could not otherwise learn and to become what we otherwise could not become. If we focus too much on our challenges, however, we can easily succumb to feelings of overwhelm and discouragement, even despair. Some people escape their doldrums by remembering that there is always someone who is worse off than they are. For some LDS singles who have struggled for years without promised blessings, it may seem difficult to believe that anyone has had it worse than they do. And yet there are those who have had it worse. The scriptures provide an excellent example in Abraham. When you come to realize how much worse he had it, you can find the courage and resiliency to keep walking by faith. After all, most of us can’t touch Abraham’s experience. The challenges By the standards of any age in world history, Abraham had a challenging life. He was once placed on an altar to be sacrificed, only to have an angel save him. He was constantly on the move, and in one of those places to which he moved, his brother died. He had to deal with apostasy in his father, a problem since he longed to have what his father’s ancestors had — priesthood authority passed down from father to son. Having a father who continually returned to idol worship didn’t really help much in that respect. And yet, like life for all of us, it wasn’t all bad. He obtained priesthood authority from someone more righteous and more advanced in years than his father. He grew to become a rather wealthy man, leading a house with many servants. And somewhere in that mix he married Sarah, a wife he dearly loved. But try as they might, infertility entered and would not leave. Whatever hopes Abraham had for a son to inherit from him must have slowly faded as the years went by one after the other with no change anywhere in sight. It’s understandable why Abraham fathered a son through Hagar, one of Sarah’s handmaidens. It seemed to be the only way to produce an heir. The promise Then came the Lord’s promise. After so many years of wanting and not having, Abraham received a promise from the Lord that he would have a son through his wife Sarah. He was 62 years old. His wife Sarah was ten years his junior, so it’s no surprise that she laughed at the thought of giving birth to a son. Abraham also had his doubts. Those doubts would continue as they each got older. It was during this time that Abraham had a son through Hagar. What seemed incredible when the promise was made seemed even more so with each year passing thereafter. But the Lord reaffirmed His promise would be fulfilled. And we all know how the story ends. Sarah did give birth to Abraham’s son Isaac. Sarah was ninety years old. Abraham had lived a full century. The faith I’m not suggesting that we need to live a full century before we see the fulfillment of the promises the Lord has made to each of us. Instead, I’m suggesting we live in faith, faith born from reflecting on Abraham’s position relative to our own. Abraham was 62 years old when he first received the promise of a son and 100 years old when that promise was fulfilled. That means he had to wait 38 years for the fulfillment of the Lord’s promise to him. That’s a long time to wait. And I’m willing to wager (though I’m not a betting man) that most of us waiting for the fulfillment of our own blessings have a ways to go before we can touch Abraham territory. I myself have been single for more than two decades. As long as that has been to endure, it’s only about half of what Abraham endured. Clearly, I can’t touch this. Most LDS singles are in that same boat. As long as you’ve each waited for the fulfillment of your desired blessings, you haven’t waited anywhere near as long as Abraham had to wait. So you can’t touch this either. The Lord pulled through for Abraham. He’ll pull through for each of us. As we continue to walk in faith that all of His promises will be fulfilled, He will send us many tender mercies to support us. We can feel the confidence that we will receive our promised blessings. And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
If you’re struggling with LDS singles life, and particularly with dating, then you need to examine your attitude and your approach. Your results in life always come from what you do. And what you do inside yourself (your attitude) and outside yourself (your approach) comes from your choices. We’re all choosing the life we want. Many LDS singles without the life they want need to adjust both attitude and approach. We touched on some aspects of a more effective approach two weeks ago when we discussed the proper role of revelation in dating. Then last week we addressed aspects of a more effective attitude. Neither of these discussions was comprehensive, but they do contain good starting points for positive change. Here’s another aspect of both attitude and approach: Many LDS singles make assumptions about their world which their habits then use as the basis for action. But it’s like the old saying goes — garbage in, garbage out. A more effective attitude and approach begins with more effective assumptions. Everything goes back to the way you think. That’s why a periodic reformat and reboot is good; you need to step back, examine your assumptions, and clear your head of anything faulty or less effective. Question your assumptions Sometimes what we think is significant really isn’t. Many LDS singles reject opportunities for success because their assumptions about what was important or even essential guided them along a different path. Their assumptions blinded them into thinking what really was an opportunity wasn’t an opportunity. For example, most singles think the age of their special someone is within 5-6 years of their own. Why? Because they assume that’s what they should want. But often it’s not experience guiding them to adopt that assumption; they’re just being good “sheeple” in following the herd. Thankfully, President Hinckley’s parents didn’t follow that assumption. They were separated by 13 years of age. And their union produced a prophet! Life will never fully unfold for you until you start questioning your assumptions. When you let go of what you think you need but really don’t, you open yourself to more possibility. And that increases your probability of achieving success. Don’t discount the good Many LDS singles interact with other singles only insofar as it serves their agenda. Once someone no longer serves their agenda, they cease all interactions with that someone. This faulty approach is itself based on faulty assumptions: Spending time and money on people who won’t progress with you towards marriage is a waste. That assumes people matter only insomuch as they help you achieve what you want. In the end, all that really matters is getting the goal. When you spell it out, it’s not hard to see how ridiculous those assumptions are. People have inherent worth as children of God. Everyone matters. Yet many of us don’t have the self-awareness necessary to realize how ridiculous our own assumptions are. Yes, lovers should be friends first. But friendship alone has intrinsic value. Who couldn’t use more support in facing the challenges of LDS singles life? Every relationship you have, romantic and otherwise, offers knowledge and experience that can help you have a better relationship with that special someone when that person comes into your life. By discounting the good many potential friends have to offer, you make life harder than it needs to be. And you might be staying single longer than needed as well. Look for the flecks Elder M Russell Ballard once told the story of a young man who went to California during the Gold Rush to seek his fortune. He eagerly panned for gold nuggets like the ones he had heard about before coming west. But after weeks of effort, he had found nothing. Then one day he met an older gentleman who had spent many days prospecting and found enough gold to fill a small bag. The young man was discouraged to learn that gold was not the nuggets for which he searched but rather many tiny flecks. After hearing his discouragement, the older gentleman responded that those flecks had made him a wealthy man. If we assume the eternal companion we seek is a gold nugget, then we may be joining that young man in disappointment. Most people aren’t gold nuggets; they have imperfections aplenty. Yet they also have flecks of gold mingled among those imperfections. Choosing to give those gold flecks more weight than the imperfections can make us wealthy indeed. When you clear your head of faulty assumptions, you can more easily meet with your success. Embracing all experience opens the door of possibility, increases your probability of success, and helps you to find much more than you ever imagined you could. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
Last week we discussed President Nelson’s remarks from the most recent General Conference about increasing the revelation we receive in our lives. By following the Prophet’s counsel, we can find answers to questions and solutions to challenges. Many LDS singles rightly seek revelation during their dating journey. However, many become their own worst obstacle when they seek too much revelation too soon. These singles ask the obvious question: Is this person “the one”? That question seems appropriate for exclusive daters contemplating engagement. But many ask that same question before they get anywhere near the Exclusive Dating stage. They’re in the Casual Dating stage or even still in the Friendship stage. I understand why they do it. They don’t want to waste their time with someone who ultimately won’t give them what they want — a temple marriage. And they don’t want the emotional pain of heartache after investing in a relationship that dies. But I also understand why this approach turns LDS singles into their own worst obstacle. Enthrone friendship So much of the thinking in LDS subculture is binary. Everything’s either good or bad, black or white. There’s no room for gray. This narrow perspective drives LDS singles to see every dating prospect in extremes. Everyone is either potential marriage material or an acquaintance. Why waste time and money, the thinking goes, on someone who won’t be with you in the end anyway? It’s little wonder we don’t really know what friendship is anymore when we discard further association with others once their failure to satisfy our personal agenda becomes evident. Getting to know other people is never a waste of time. Who couldn’t use more support while traveling the road of LDS singles life? Cutting off association with others once all hope of romance dies sends the message that our worth comes from our ability to provide marriage. Yet our worth really comes from our status as children of God. Building genuine friendship with others — especially when they can’t really help us any — is the mark of a true friend. And more true friends means more support when relationships we do hope will work out don’t. Respect timing Asking “Is this the one?” too soon introduces excessive seriousness in our dating journey. Everyone retracts, becoming extremely cautious about everything they do because they don’t want to be tied to any undesirable commitments. And that restricts progress in our dating journey. We also tend to misinterpret our experience with revelation when we ask such a serious question too soon. What will be the answer to such a question? More often than not, it’ll be “No.” We then assume that means this person isn’t “the one” and proceed to sever all relations. In actuality, it’s far more likely that “No” simply means “No, you’re going about this all wrong.” I once met an attractive woman at a singles conference. We really seemed to click. But a couple of emails later, she told me she prayed to know whether I was “the one” and God told her to stop talking to me. Please! Revelation properly used in dating is about confirming choices we make, not instructing us with what to do. Her choice was in no way informed. We never went on a single date! And what resulted from her choice? No one won. Both of us remained single longer than we needed to be, and neither one of us gained a new friend. In many ways, we really are our own worst obstacle. If only we could get out of our own way! Be where you are We can promote rather than frustrate our progress in our dating journey by respecting where we are. Before the Exclusive Dating stage, there’s no elevated commitment level. Any commitment between people dies with the end of the date activity. With such low levels of commitment, asking a very serious question like “Is this the one?” has no place until time with the more serious commitment of the Exclusive Dating stage prompts consideration of progressing even further. No wonder the answer to that question asked too soon is more often “No.” The Lord is trying to tell us, “No, you’re going about this all wrong!” Why can’t we just focus on where we are in our journey and enjoy that place? Dating is supposed to be fun, and it can be when we set aside our expectations, enjoy getting to know others, and build friendships rather than rushing everything towards the end goal. Don’t be your own worst obstacle. Save serious questions for later stages of the journey when the level of commitment demands that level of seriousness. When you do, you’ll free yourself to enjoy more every part of dating. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
As the new year approached, I wondered which president of the Church we’d be studying this year. Then on the last Sunday of December, my ward held a joint meeting for the third hour to explain what would follow in 2018. No longer would we study the words of modern prophets in manuals devoted to individual servants of the Lord. Now we’d study the words of prophets and apostles from recent Conference addresses. And we’d be discussing them as a group, with everyone seated in a circle facing each other. The word discussion is key. The Church would no longer provide lesson plans as it had previously. Now discussion leaders would need to prepare their own plans ahead of time considering the needs of the class. Since learning of these changes, I’ve been intensely curious to see how well they’d work. After all, this free-form format leaves a lot of blanks to fill. But observing how those blanks have been filled over the past two months, I’m totally sold on the new model. I believe it’s but a prelude of greater things to come when we embrace the moments. Embrace the freedom Part of my concern with the new program related to my new calling as a Sunday School teacher for the 12-year-olds. It’d been years since I last taught the youth, and the Church has made many changes to youth instruction in that time. For the past couple of years, the youth have experienced in their classes what all of us now experience in our classes and meetings. The Church still provides the skeleton pieces of what could be a lesson plan. I like this new model, especially the freedom to put the pieces together in the way I feel inspired. I also love how, even though we make our own lesson plans, we can go off script any time we feel inspired. Instructors have always had this freedom, but I’m glad the new model builds on it. Some of the best learning moments for both student and instructor occur during those unpredictable moments that simply come. Embrace the belonging What I really like best about the new model is a newfound sense of belonging. Perhaps the biggest contributor to this sense lies in the seating arrangement. Before, chairs would commonly be arranged in rows. Often people would sit as far back as they could. Everyone has typical places to sit as well, providing a feeling of stagnation. Now, with the insistence on sitting in a circle, there’s no more seeing the backs of other people’s heads. The circle arrangement has everyone seeing everyone. And there’s no “fixed position” for anyone. That arrangement changes the whole dynamic of how I’ve come to see myself in my ward. Over the years, I’ve typically felt estranged. Lessons were typically about this marriage-and-family thing I didn’t have. And sitting so as to be less visible by others didn’t help with the sense of belonging either. That’s all changed with the new model. Lessons still focus on the marriage-and-family thing I don’t have, but there’s something about sitting in a circle where everyone can see everyone that provides this sense that we don’t need to be in the same chapter of life to be on the same journey. Embrace the opportunity That shift in perspective helped me to see something I wasn’t seeing before. We singles need to contribute more to meetings and classes in general membership wards. Our failure to do so hurts everyone. The other week in quorum meeting, the discussion turned to descriptions of children spending countless hours watching online videos of other kids doing things, like play a video game or build a model. A flash of inspiration came to me, and because I felt more a part of the group, I decided to share it. After announcing my ignorance in dealing with kids, I suggested the fathers actually do with their kids what they’re watching other kids do in the videos. This comment completely changed the tenor of the meeting. The discussion branched into a direction it otherwise wouldn’t have. The spirit and comments that followed helped me to see that many of the brethren were edified by the new direction the discussion took after my contribution. As I said before, I’m totally sold on the new model the Church has employed for our classes and meetings this year. We singles have much to contribute therein. Instead of complaining about how we don’t fit in and tuning out, we can embrace the moments the new model offers to lift where we stand. When we make those contributions, we can bless the lives of others on the same journey we’re on. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
It’s been a long time. I never imagined where my efforts back on 12/12/12 would take me. I started a blog to vent frustration with a woman who summarily rejected me without really knowing me. It was a song I knew all too well. My blog continued, and I learned some great lessons that first year. For example, the effort I’d adopted as my own personal ministry couldn’t be about me. It had to be about people. So with the start of a new year in 2014, I moved my blog to a website dedicated for housing the succession of posts I would publish every Wednesday. That was four years ago. And I have a weekly post for every Wednesday since. In my first post at the new home, I shared the philosophy behind my efforts. It all came down to wanting real. My effort has evolved in those four years. But my desire for real is as strong as ever. Begin the begin Four years ago I wanted to help LDS singles conquer the challenges of LDS singles life. That desire has driven my evolution of the past four years. Today we take the next step in that evolution. Today we jumpstart Joy in the Journey Radio with a regular weekly broadcast. Four years ago I spoke of turning conventional wisdom on its head by not sending annoying marketing emails to my audience. Now I’m turning conventional wisdom on its head again. The weekly broadcast will comprise a talk show format. However, unlike most talk shows which feature special guests selected because they’re somehow notable, we’ll feature the average Joes from across the spectrum of the LDS singles community. I believe that so-called ordinary people have extraordinary stories and perspectives that can uplift and strengthen all of us. Their contribution will make the program more real than any lineup of notorieties you can assemble. Change the culture Most of my weekly blog posts over the last four years have generated no comments, but I didn’t care about that four years ago, and I still don’t today. My effort is not about me; it’s about making a contribution that will improve the lives of LDS singles everywhere. I’ll still work to engage everyone in the conversation we need to have about LDS singles life and changing our culture. That’s why I’ll invite married men and women on the program as well as in the audience. Four years ago, I cited our need for a conversation about what it means to be single in a family-centered culture. And we need to move the center of our culture towards Christ. That need is as great today as it was then. What impact will our conversation make if we have it only among ourselves? We must include our married brothers and sisters if we want to see real change. Called to serve You may have noticed how I’ve been using plural forms — “we take the next step” and “our journey.” That’s because none of this is about me. It’s about something larger than any one of us individually. We have the opportunity to make a real difference in each others’ lives. Far too many of us are steeped in negativity and focused far too much on our obstacles. Our focus will always determine our reality. Focusing on our obstacles will yield a reality of obstruction and frustration. Focusing instead on our opportunities will create a reality of opportunity and freedom. That is real, and that is what I want for all LDS singles everywhere. That’s why Joy in the Journey Radio exists, to uplift and strengthen LDS singles everywhere. We do that by offering content intended to impart positive energy and improve the lives of singles of all ages and backgrounds. Because this is about something much larger than me, I can’t do it alone. I’m calling on LDS singles everywhere to contribute to this effort by volunteering. There is so much that needs doing. If you’re sincere about wanting to improve the lives of LDS singles, that willingness alone qualifies you to help. Go now to the contact page of the website to make yourself counted. I’m still wanting real, and if you want real in your life, come join me. It’s a brand new year and a brand new Joy in the Journey Radio. We will lift and support one another as we journey towards our heavenly home. And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
It’s no secret that I love Christmas. What’s not to love? There’s a general feeling of good will that pervades everything. There’s time with friends and family. There’s all the holiday goodies that aren’t so great for the waistline but wonderful for taste buds. There’s the lights that turn ordinary neighborhoods into works of electric art at night. And of course, there’s the real reason for the season. There’s the opportunity to renew our discipleship by following Him more fully. There’s His peace that we can feel in our hearts. There’s His light that we can share with others. Yet for some, Christmas is simply about tradition. They enjoy friends, family, good food, and all the external trappings of the season. They may even include something spiritual in their holiday habit. But they don’t really feel the season because they’re on autopilot. They just go through the motions. Once the season is over, they return to whatever lives they had before. Seeing these people got me thinking. Do I just go through the motions of the holiday season, or do I allow the miracle that is Christ to change my heart? You gotta choose it Sometimes I catch myself going through the motions. It’s not that hard to do. After all, we’re designed to have habits and play them out without thinking about what we’re doing. But the truly fulfilled life comes only with discipline in constantly making conscious choices. We must choose consciously what we say and do. And we can’t just choose anything if we want to maximize our joy in life. We must choose Christ. This is admittedly not the easiest task to accomplish. We are after all designed to operate out of habit. That’s why it’s more productive to leverage our natural design than to fight against it. We need to adopt the habit of not living by habit. One way to do this is by participating in the Church’s Light the World campaign. We could also make our own calendar with actions that we choose for ourselves. Or we could go through each day of the Christmas season just looking for opportunities to share goodness. We don’t necessarily need a set plan; just an openness to whatever opportunities cross our path and a willingness to take advantage of them. You gotta feel it Christmas is especially appropriate for random acts of goodness. That’s what I love about this time of year. It shakes me out of my usual year-long doldrums and gets me introspective. Am I really feeling the reality of Christ within me? Or am I just on autopilot? That is the ultimate test for me. If I’m not really feeling it inside, then it’s not really working for me. And that begs the obvious question: Why do it? I want real. And for me, real isn’t life on autopilot. Real is life with flavor created by consciously chosen experience. I can surround myself with the real reason for the season and maybe get something out of that. Or I can consciously choose to surrender myself to Him and certainly get everything out of that. That’s life you can feel, not just a bare existence. So whenever I realize I’m not feeling it, that’s a red flag alerting me to choose differently. I need to break my habit of living on autopilot and embrace the habit of not living by habit. You gotta live it Living life by conscious choice creates awareness of the joy already around us. Living life on autopilot removes that awareness. All you need for life on autopilot is to follow a habit without thinking about it. It’s the awareness that makes all the difference. Again, that’s what I love about Christmas. It provides enough newness to shake me free of the same old same-old that bogs me down. It reminds me of my need for awareness. Once I become aware of myself, it’s easier to live by conscious choice. And living by conscious choice results in the realization that the joy of the season is around us all year long. We simply need eyes to see. Seeing that joy makes it easier to feel. Feeling that joy makes life delicious and truly sweet. That’s the miracle Christ makes possible for us all. He saves us not just in the next life but in this one as well. It’s a reality you can have when you consciously choose Him. Christ truly is the real reason for the season. Are we engaging our yearly traditions on autopilot? Or are we consciously choosing Christ and allowing His miracle to save us? Consciously choosing to keep Christ in the heart is the best way to savor the season. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
It’s like they say. When life gives you lemons, keep them. Because, hey, free lemons. Oh, did I get that wrong? Let’s try again. When life gives you lemons, make lemon chicken. After all, lemonade is so cliché, and with all that sugar probably not that good for you either. Of course, if you want to make lemonade with your free lemons, go ahead. You’ll still be getting the point — seeing the opportunity amidst the obstacle. Too often we LDS singles are like many others who focus so much on the obstacle that our reality becomes one of frustration. But when we focus on the opportunity that always comes with the obstacle, our reality can be one of freedom. Either way, our focus becomes our reality. We’ve discussed before how seeing the opportunity amidst the obstacle can lighten our burdens of adversity and even help us to overcome them. Opportunities vary with the obstacle, but one is fairly constant across the spectrum. That’s the opportunity to laugh. Make the time With the holidays almost upon us, many seem so busy with all that needs doing because the holidays are almost upon us. They’re so busy, in fact, they’ve become rather serious — maybe too serious. Sure, I’m all for respecting why we have the trinity of holidays that connect the years together. There’s some serious purpose in that as well as serious work needed to prepare for our associated traditions. Yet taking ourselves too seriously, we’ll miss much of the joy our Heavenly Father has provided in our journey. We must make time to laugh. Recently I’ve discovered I’ve been too serious. Mostly it comes from my day job. I want to be known as a professional who delivers good work. Yet all science and no philosophy is no way to live life — at least not a pleasant one. I see the need to laugh more often. I once agreed with Neil Young who sang, “It’s better to burn out than to fade away.” But now I’m starting to wonder if the reverse is true. How else will generations who outlive me see my light and benefit therefrom? Plus I’ll have more time to laugh. Seize the opportunities I actually have plenty of opportunities to laugh all around me. I didn’t realize how many I had until I started to look. I have some funny movies that I haven’t watched in years. I’ve started to watch these again and have noted something. In addition to providing me with opportunities to laugh, these films have brought back memories of friends from prior years, especially ones I had in college. Remembering these people who blessed my life has lifted my spirit. I’ve also discovered the humor section in my personal library was larger than I thought it was. Just looking through some of these tomes brought back memories of college friends I haven’t seen in years. Joy and laughter attended those memories. For example, thumbing through my copy of The Dilbert Principle reminded me of my engineer roommate Ben and the Dilbert TV show sound clip we adopted for our answering machine message. I’ll never forget walking with him inside the Institute building when around the corner came one of our friends who upon seeing us immediately went into a tirade, screaming that she would never call our apartment again until we got that extremely long message off our machine. Just remembering that episode sets me to giggling just like my roommate and I did in that moment. Wherever you find your humor, the point is still the same. We all have opportunities to laugh all around us. We just need to look to find them. Make new memories In addition to finding opportunities to laugh from memories of the past, we can make our own opportunities to laugh. In so doing, we provide joy in our journey now in the present and later in the future as we reminisce about the past. Finding those opportunities requires a focus on finding on them. That doesn’t imply anything more than the right balance of a laid back attitude with an alert mind that can recognize opportunities when they appear. I wish I could say I were the best at doing that. And not everyone appreciates my sense of humor. But we all have room to improve somewhere. I’ve improved over the years, but this still happens to be one of my “somewheres.” As I apply myself and practice I’ll eventually get better. I’ll also get better as I make more time in life to laugh, something all of us should do more and more often. Take some time to find your jollies. Doing that will bring you more joy in your journey.
Trials come to everyone in mortality, and LDS singles are certainly no exception there. Being single in a family centered culture is challenging to say the least. If you don’t think it is, you’ve been living under a rock and need to get out more. We all know our trials can help us to grow and become what we otherwise couldn’t become. They’re stepping stones in our journey to become more like our Heavenly Father. Yet that knowledge can be cold comfort to someone in the midst of an especially challenging trial. We can focus on the adversity so much that we fail to see any hope for the future. The light at the end of the tunnel appears to be an oncoming train and not the other side of the mountain. Yet there is always hope because there is always Christ. He will not leave us nor forsake us so long as we are true to Him. He will provide the tender mercies we need to carry on despite our adversities. He will give us eyes of faith to see the opportunity amidst the obstacle. Opposition is essential Many of us fail to see the opportunity because we’re fixated on the obstacle. Sometimes we need to take a step back to see it. And yes, every obstacle we encounter in life comes with an opportunity. It’s eternal law. As Lehi taught his son Jacob, “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11). Opposites allow us to make sense out of our experiences. We don’t know the sweet unless we also know the bitter. We don’t know pleasure if we don’t know pain. Everything has its opposite. That’s very inspiring when it comes to adversity. Opposites mean that for everything we encounter in life that would seem to hold us back, there must also be something that can help us to move forward. With every obstacle comes an opportunity. We need eyes to see Just because that opportunity is there, however, doesn’t mean we’ll automatically see it. Often we need eyes of faith to see the opportunity amidst the obstacle. My favorite story in this regard is of Enoch. When the Lord called him to preach repentance to the people, Enoch could see only the obstacle. He protested, “Why is it that I have found favor in thy sight, and am but a lad, and all the people hate me; for I am slow of speech; wherefore am I thy servant?” (Moses 6:31). The Lord’s response is a classic example of confidence and faith:
As good as that was, the best was still to come. The Lord instructs Enoch to anoint his eyes with clay, promising that then he would see. He did so, and the vision that unfolded before him was magnificent.
Enoch went on to be a powerful voice for righteousness. So powerful was his voice, in fact, that
Not bad for a lad who thought himself slow of speech! Like Enoch, we often discount our own potential when faced with challenging obstacles. Yet also like Enoch, we can come to the Lord Who will show us what we can become and help us to see the opportunity amidst our obstacles. We can find opportunity Three weeks ago I touched on seeing the opportunity amidst the obstacle while discussing Elder John C. Pingree Jr.’s October 2017 General Conference address “I Have a Work for Thee.” Elder John C. Pingree shared two examples. The first was a man laid off from his job as a successful human resources professional. This man saw the opportunity amidst the obstacle. He used his knowledge and experience to start a business helping others to find work. Having lost his job himself, he understood the emotional turmoil that comes with that situation. That understanding gave him an edge over other job placement agencies whose workers never had the experience of losing a job. The second example was a young couple whose child was stillborn. This couple saw the opportunity amidst the obstacle. Their experience gave them an understanding of stillbirth they would not otherwise have. They leveraged that understanding to provide counseling and other support for other parents who experience stillbirth. Because of their own experience, they know exactly what these parents need. With every obstacle that would hold us back comes an opportunity that can propel us forward and bless the lives of others in the process. But we need eyes of faith to see that opportunity. That’s why it’s so important to partner with the Lord. He can help us to see what’s already all around us. When we see the opportunity, we can overcome the obstacle. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
Dating doesn’t have to be so challenging for LDS singles. Once you have a good map of the landscape and know how to use it, your journey improves substantially. Many LDS singles who lack that understanding often prove to be their own worst obstacle. Too often they put the cart before the horse by insisting that potential dates meet their standards for marriage. This practice fosters a culture in which dating is viewed as synonymous with marriage. Dating then becomes warped in LDS singles life. That’s not the only way many LDS singles put the cart before the horse. When considering whether to date someone, they often look at potential candidates and assume they’ll always be just as they are right at that moment. If someone is found to be undesirable, it’s then easy to say, “I don’t want to spend eternity with that” and walk away. In so doing, LDS singles often walk away from the very blessings they seek. In considering dating opportunities, we should consider not just position but also direction. We need to see others as they may become. Direction is more than position We came to this mortal existence to grow and become like our Heavenly Father. Traveling on this path towards perfection means that none of us are perfect as we are now. Yet our Heavenly Father doesn’t condemn us for not having yet completed our journey. He knows we’ll eventually arrive at our celestial destination if we maintain the proper direction. And He knows we can always change our direction. “Judge not, that ye be not judged” is the Savior’s teaching (Matthew 7:1). Yet how often do LDS singles fail to apply that teaching to their dating considerations? We confuse position and direction, thinking that person will always be just as we find them now. For example, most aren’t attracted to overweight suitors. Yet being overweight is merely position. What consideration do we give direction? There’s a world of difference between the overweight person trying to lose weight through diet and exercise and the overweight person doing nothing about it except crying over why no one wants to love them as they are. The Atonement by its very existence signals the potential for change. Truly believing in that potential means affording more weight towards direction than position when considering dating options. Potential to change is not change According more weight to direction doesn’t mean ignoring position. For example, perpetrators of physical abuse can change, but that doesn’t mean you should trust them just because they can change. Potential for changing direction is not the same as actually changing direction. Our actions determine our direction. What we do every day determines whether we end in one destination or in another. And small changes today can result in large differences tomorrow. A truly reformed physical abuser will refrain from physical abuse. Repeat offenders are not reformed. They still have the potential to change, but their actions show they haven’t actually changed. Their direction is askew, and in the interest of personal safety, you’d be justified not dating such a character. On the other hand, a physical abuser who has refrained from physical abuse has a better direction. That person’s actions demonstrate a change in direction has taken place. Both always had the potential to change. But the difference here is one’s actions evidence a change in direction and the other’s don’t. Embrace multiple experiences That’s why you should experience multiple casual dates with someone before deciding on the potential for a committed dating relationship with said person. For most aspects of an individual, you can’t judge appropriately with just one date. You need multiple experiences. Allowing that can help you give that greater weight to direction over position. Without that, it’s much easier to see only position and use that alone as the basis for dating considerations. No one’s perfect in this life. We’ll all miss the mark somewhere. But that doesn’t mean we always will. Our actions today can add to a body of evidence showing a more positive change in direction. And with time that body of evidence can demonstrate a more positive direction, which will make you more attractive to potential dating partners. Learning to see the potential in others can reveal doors of opportunity you didn’t before realize existed. Because no one’s perfect, the eternal companion you’re seeking isn’t perfect. Learning to value others for what they may become because of their direction may help you see that the person who you thought would never do as a companion actually fulfills your needs more than you could imagine. Tolerating imperfection can actually help you find your true love. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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