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What compatibility really is

2/23/2022

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. . . you could be your own worst obstacle if you don’t know what compatibility really is.
Something I said during the broadcast last week got me thinking.  Here’s what I said: “This whole idea of working on relationships is ridiculous.  In a way, this really is ridiculous, because if you’re aligned in values and life direction, what is there to work on?  You just do.  You just come together.  It fits like hand in glove.  You just do.  I mean, you can make changes to yourself so that you do fit and you align, but seriously, if you just be yourself and then look for that alignment of values and life direction, then you have compatibility.”

It’s that magic word: compatibility.  We hear it when singles describe their must-have list of traits in a companion.  But what is compatibility exactly?  Over the years, I’ve interacted with LDS singles all across the country.  And when it comes to compatibility, there seems to be different ideas floating around.
Imagine that — a quality so essential that nearly everyone has it on their dating deal breaker list, and yet not everyone understands it to be the same thing.  And that’s a problem, because you could be your own worst obstacle if you don’t know what compatibility really is.

What it’s not

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Success comes more easily to those who conform to true principles.  When your approach deviates from those, you make it harder on yourself.  And compatibility really is essential in building a successful long-term relationship.

But first let’s talk about what compatibility is not.  Compatibility is not liking the same things.  Many LDS singles believe this, including myself in my younger days.  But as I gained experience I began to see the error in this thinking.  Liking the same things won’t get you through the challenging times.  And challenging times come into every marriage.

Perhaps more common these days is the misconception that compatibility is matching some idea of perfection.  The more a candidate matches your ideal companion — or what you think is your ideal — the more compatible you two are.  This idea assumes a perfect match will bring you a successful long-term relationship.  And why wouldn’t it if the candidate is perfect?  Because what you think is perfect probably isn’t.

It’s natural to think you know what your perfect match is.  But so often what we think and what actually is aren’t quite the same.  And even if they were, perfect would bore you to tears.  Joy in life comes in the journey, meaning you need to be changing, improving, progressing.  There’s nowhere to go with perfect.

What it is

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So if these things aren’t compatibility, then what is?  Compatibility is an alignment in values and life purpose.  The more alignment you have with someone, the more compatible you are.

Why is this true compatibility?   It’s the alignment of values and life direction that’ll pull you through the difficulties that come into every relationship.  We all make decisions consistent with our values, so sharing similar values means naturally agreeing to the same decisions more easily more often.

Moreover, traveling in different directions will make it harder to stay together because the desire to move in different directions creates tension in your relationship.  If you and your companion persist in not aligning, you’ll eventually relieve the tension through separation.  How much easier it is to stay together if you want to take your lives in the same direction!

Get on it

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The alignment of values and life direction is true compatibility.  And it’s essential for quality long-term relationships.  But it rarely just comes without work.  Marriage is hard work because it requires you to work not so much on your relationship as on yourself.  The work is in aligning yourselves to a shared set of values and life direction.

That doesn’t mean all your values are identical or that you have the exact same vision of what to make of your life together.  But it does mean you’re aligned enough in those areas that you fit together like a hand in a glove.  Because values and life direction can change as we age, spouses must continue to work at alignment as they grow old together.  It’s in this way they thrive in their relationship as they help each other become more and more perfect.

When you know what compatibility really is, you can then focus your dating approach towards what really matters most.  You can emphasize eternal values in your relationships.  You can begin to see others for where they’re going and not just where they are.  Instead of looking for what’s wrong with potential candidates, you can savor more of the good they have to offer.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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The Parable of the Slope

2/21/2022

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LDS singles can start living their best life when they learn the Parable of the Slope.
Reflecting recently upon my General Conference experiences over the past few years, I realize that, even though most Conference speakers don’t speak specifically to LDS singles, most if not all speakers do discuss principles and concepts that have direct application to LDS singles life.

Elder Clark G. Gilbert’s recent Conference address illustrates this idea well.  His remarks, entitled “Becoming More in Christ: The Parable of the Slope,” didn’t address LDS singles specifically.  But the concepts he shared have direct application to LDS singles everywhere, no matter if they’re never married, divorced, or widowed.  LDS singles can start living their best life when they learn the Parable of the Slope.

A brief tutorial

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Elder Gilbert used some simple math to illustrate the Parable of the Slope.  Some of you think the words simple and math don’t really go together, but I assure you they do.  Elder Gilbert briefly explained his math, but let me offer a different explanation that may help with understanding both the simple math concept and the lesson Elder Gilbert draws from it.

Mathematically, we represent lines on a plot with two reference lines, one horizontal and the other vertical.  We commonly call the point where your line crosses the vertical reference line the intercept.  It effectively measures how far above (or below) your line is from the horizontal reference line at the position of the vertical reference line.  Elder Gilbert’s parable compares your path in life to a line drawn on a Cartesian plane, taking the intercept as a starting position.

As you proceed on your path of life, you’re line can go up or down.  Mathematically, we measure that direction with slope.  A positive slope indicates an upward direction, and a negative slope indicates a downward direction.  Which way it goes depends not on the intercept but on the slope.  Likewise in life, whether or not you achieve your potential depends not on your starting position but on your direction.

The parable expanded

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I’ve previously visited this idea of direction being more important than position.  LDS singles often evaluate potential dating candidates solely on their position, judging those with less than desired positions as disagreeable, irrespective of their direction.  But direction matters more in the end, because the person you marry isn’t the person you get today but the person you’ll get years down the road.

The importance of direction over position also gives hope to those judged as disagreeable.  You can turn any life situation around when you own your life and focus more on direction than position.  By doing what you can with what you have, you give your life a positive direction that, if maintained, will take your life into more and more agreeable territory.  As Elder Gilbert taught,


     First, focus on where you are headed and not where you began. It would be wrong to ignore your circumstances—they are real and need to be addressed. But overfocusing on a difficult starting point can cause it to define you and even constrain your ability to choose.
     Years ago I served with a group of inner-city youth in Boston, Massachusetts, who were largely new to the gospel and to the expectations of the Church. It was tempting to confuse my empathy and concern for their situation with a desire to lower God’s standards. I eventually realized that the most powerful way to show my love was to never lower my expectations. With everything I knew to do, we focused together on their potential, and each of them began to elevate their slopes. Their growth in the gospel was gradual but steady. Today they have served missions, have graduated from college, have been married in the temple, and are leading remarkable personal and professional lives.

Your focus always determines your reality.  Too many LDS singles focus on what they lack — the looks, the body, the money, the talent, the whatever they think they absolutely must have to succeed — and wallowing in that discouragement, their reality is one of lack, disempowerment, and hopelessness.  Focus instead on what you have and can do, and you’ll find a reality of abundance, empowerment, and hope.

Elder Gilbert then continued with

     Second, involve the Lord in the process of lifting your slope. While serving as the president of BYU–Pathway Worldwide, I remember sitting in a large devotional in Lima, Peru, where Elder Carlos A. Godoy was the speaker. As he looked out over the congregation, he seemed overwhelmed observing so many faithful first-generation university students. Perhaps reflecting on his own path through such difficult circumstances, Elder Godoy stated emotionally: the Lord will ‘help you more than you can help yourself. [So] involve the Lord in this process.’ The prophet Nephi taught ‘that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.’ We must do our best, which includes repentance, but it is only through the Lord’s grace that we can realize our divine potential.
How many times have we talked about partnering with the Lord?  He sees what we don’t see, knows what we don’t know, and loves us more than we can possibly imagine.  When you partner with Him, He’ll guide you to whatever you need to take the next step in your journey towards the enjoyment of every righteous blessing.

Some final words

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I’ll go more in depth in the program today and show how LDS singles can apply these ideas to their lives to have more joy every day starting today.  Even though he didn’t address singles specifically, Elder Gilbert did provide LDS singles with essential information to support the journey towards one’s best life.  I’ve found that to be true for most if not all Conference addresses.

So let’s not wait to apply the Parable of the Slope to our lives.  Let’s start today to place more value on direction than position.  Let’s focus more on what we have, what we can do, and where we’re going.  And let’s partner with the Lord for our lives.  When we do, He’ll guide us along the path leading to our best life.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Living “as though”

2/9/2022

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By living “as though” God’s promises are fulfilled, you can be joyful now.
Recently I found several gems in the latest issue of Liahona.  I was so impressed to find so much that applied to LDS singles life I felt I needed to focus the broadcast on one of those articles.  But like General Conference, I wasn’t certain which one to select.

At length I selected an insightful article by Lori Newbold entitled “Living ‘as Though’ God’s Promises Have Been Fulfilled.”  The article seemed appropriate to discuss with Singles Awareness Day (more commonly known as Valentine’s Day) just around the corner.  But I also really appreciate the article’s perspective.
Sister Newbold acknowledges a common singles attitude: Identifying yourself by what you don’t have.  When you do that, you’ll live in a space where you’re deficient.  Sister Newbold’s response is an effective one: Live in a space where you see yourself as you’ll be, because that’s how God sees you.  By living “as though” God’s promises are fulfilled, you can be joyful now.

Understand the challenge

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Sister Newbold recognizes the difficulty of reconciling as yet unfulfilled promises with the reality of LDS singles life.  Her answer is to live “as though” those promises have been fulfilled, though she admits that’s challenging.  She writes, “Given that God is a God of promises, it becomes hard at times for me to reconcile why certain promises have not yet been fulfilled in my life.”

I’m sure many singles can relate.  I myself felt that challenge a few months ago.  In the midst of my most challenging semester of school ever, questions about my patriarchal blessing began to feel more demanding.  And given my age, I began to wonder how my promised blessings will ever come to me.

Sure, it’s easy to say, “Well, sometimes patriarchal blessings get fulfilled in eternity.” But that doesn’t apply to the married life the Lord promised me.  Very clear and unambiguous language speaks of my temple marriage in this life and actions my children and posterity will take in this life.  These and other blessings are promised to me in this life, not the next.

Given I’m in my late 40s and not getting any younger, questions of how those promises would be fulfilled troubled me.  At the time, I really struggled with those questions.  Now I simply feel a quiet confidence somehow it’ll all happen.

Consider three solutions

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Sister Newbold’s answer to that challenge, as mentioned earlier, is to live “as though” promised blessings have arrived.  How do we do that?  Sister Newbold shares three suggestions.

First, she suggests considering a variety of promises.  LDS singles tend to fixate on the marriage they by definition don’t have right now.  That focus blinds them from seeing other promised blessings they already have, many of which they take for granted.  Recognizing these less appreciated but bountiful blessings invites gratitude and trust God will keep all His promises.

Second, she suggests recognizing God’s hand in our lives.  Many in today’s world focus on what they lack, and as long-time audience members will tell you, your focus becomes your reality.  Focusing on lack creates a reality of scarcity, which inhibits the ability to feel joy.  But focusing on what you have creates a reality of abundance.  I really like how Sister Newbold extends that idea to the sacrament.


The hymn “As Now We Take the Sacrament” states, “We contemplate thy lasting grace, thy boundless charity.” For years, my preparation for the sacrament focused on the mistakes I had made the week(s) before and the lack I had demonstrated. All I could see was how far I was from being like Christ. After the Spirit taught me through these lyrics, I began to focus on how I had seen His “lasting grace” and “boundless charity” during the past week. As I reflected, I saw the fulfillment of promises. I saw that He had been with me. He had comforted, enabled, and strengthened me. He had kept His promises.
Third, Sister Newbold suggests helping the Lord keep His promises to others through Spirit-directed service.  When you follow the Spirit’s promptings to help others, you can help answer their prayers.  You can find joy in being the Lord’s hands.

Trust in Him

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Honestly, I appreciate a perspective centered on our focus rather than the traditional and highly unhelpful ”Just hold faithful, and everything will be right in the next life.”  Additionally, Sister Newbold readily admits that “trusting in His promises is not always an easy choice.”

She also says “living ‘as though’ will look different for everyone.”  I suspect that’s only true in the particulars.  I could summarize what that looks like for her as making and keeping as many covenants as she can, in essence living all of the gospel she can.  I think that would describe living “as though” for any LDS single.

God will keep every promise made to every one of us.  He has thousands of years of experience doing just that for the generations that came before us.  And the Spirit can remind us of moments when He’s kept promises in our own lives.  So we can trust He’ll keep every as yet unfulfilled promise.  When we live“as though” by walking with faith He’ll do just that, we can be instruments in fulfilling His purposes, all the while experiencing the quiet confidence that somehow it’ll all happen for us.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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A lesson from Groundhog Day

2/2/2022

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I began to see parallels between Groundhog Day and LDS singles life.  They’re so instructive, all LDS singles should take a lesson from Groundhog Day.
Today is Groundhog Day, and it’s official.  Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, saw his shadow.  Be ready for six more weeks of winter.

With more winter here, I thought I’d snuggle up with a cup of cocoa and revisit the film Groundhog Day.  If you haven’t seen this, your education is woefully deficient.  This classic is one of Bill Murray’s best.  If you haven’t seen it, stop what you’re doing right now and get yourself educated.

Having seen this classic many times, I’m, of course, not deficient in my education (at least not in this area — I’m sure I’m deficient in others).  But something occurred to me as I watched it again.  I began to see parallels between Groundhog Day and LDS singles life.  They’re so instructive, all LDS singles should take a lesson from Groundhog Day.

See the situation

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The story begins with Phil Connors, the weatherman for Channel 9 News in Pittsburgh.  The man is clearly full of himself, so it’s no surprise no one really likes him, not even himself.  He’s a rather disgruntled man who thinks covering the Groundhog Day Festival is beneath him.

So imagine his shock when he wakes up thinking it’s February 3rd only to find out it’s February 2nd again.  The bewilderment continues as each morning he wakes up to find that somehow in his sleep he went back in time by one day.  He keeps living the same day over and over again.

His first reaction is denial.  This can’t be happening to me!  Denial drives resistance, but no matter how he fights against his situation, the next morning is always February 2nd again.  His denial then turns into despair.  This report he gives at the festival summarizes his condition rather well.


Once again the eyes of the nation have turned here to this tiny village in western Pennsylvania, blah, blah blah, blah blah.  There is no way this winter is ever going to end — as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don’t see any other way out.  He’s gotta be stopped, and I have to stop him.
That day ended in suicide, but it doesn’t end him.  In despair, Phil keeps trying to kill himself in different ways trying unsuccessfully to escape his never-ending cycle.

Note the pivot

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And then one of those February 2nd days becomes a pivot day when everything changes.  Phil doesn’t escape the never-ending cycle, but he does find a new perspective on his situation.  And what changed everything was Rita.

Rita is Phil’s producer.  She’s also the apple of his eye.  Previously he spent God knows how many successive February 2nd days trying to get into her pants.  But on his pivot day, Phil approaches Rita with a different agenda.  Instead of trying to satiate his lust, he sincerely cries for help.  (Why do I have a Rick Astley song in my head right now?)  Rita helps him and in the process begins to fall for him.

Of course, that disappears when everything resets the next morning.  But Phil remains changed, and he starts spending his February 2nd days improving upon himself, working to become a better, more quality person.  He takes up reading all kinds of books.  He learns to play the piano.  He takes up ice sculpting!  Not only do his efforts make him a better person, they make his life more interesting.

And the proof is in this report.  It’s the same day, same festival, but a completely different Phil.


When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark, bereft of hope.  Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life.  But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn’t imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.  From Punxsutawney, it’s Phil Connors. So long.
Once he stopped trying to escape his situation and embraced it, Phil was able to tap into the joy  life has to offer every single day.  In the end, he escapes the cycle and gets the girl.

Take a lesson

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The allegory here to LDS singles is so clear I wonder why I didn’t see it earlier.  How many of us singles are in denial?  No, I can’t be single.  This can’t be happening to me!  And no matter what we do to fight it, we seem caught in a never-ending cycle of singleness from which we cannot escape.

But if we’d stop trying to escape from it and start embracing it, we could turn everything around.  We could start looking inside ourselves and working to become better, more quality people.  We can do things to make our lives more interesting.  We could tap into the joy God wants us to have every single day.

And we could help other singles to have their pivot day.  Just as Rita helped turn things around for Phil, we can reach out to one another.  Instead of looking only to satiate our own agendas when we interact with each other, we could help each other live better lives.

When we take a lesson from Groundhog Day, we can make the most of what seems to be a never-ending cycle of singleness.  By embracing our situation instead of trying to escape from it, we can live our best life and help others to do the same.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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    Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have  more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.

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