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Our relationship with God

7/27/2022

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. . . it’s our relationship with God that pulls us through those challenges with joy.
It’s time once again to return to Conference, and as I considered the different options for the broadcast today, one address stood out.  That one was “Our Relationship With God” by Elder D. Todd Christofferson.

When selecting a Conference address for the program, sometimes I don’t know why a particular address stands out.  That’s not true here.  Elder Christofferson addressed a core challenge in LDS singles life.  That might not be apparent, since Elder Christofferson never announced he was addressing singles or even suggested any connection with singles life.

But I see a very clear connection.  Elder Christofferson approached dealing with suffering when anticipated blessings don’t come.  That has everything to do with LDS singles life.  And it’s our relationship with God that pulls us through those challenges with joy.

Check your thinking

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Elder Christofferson starts with Job, recounting how Job’s sufferings tried him so deeply he began to condemn God for “wronging” him.  God then reminded Job of His omnipotence and omniscience.  Job, realizing he couldn’t hold a candle to his Maker, humbly let God prevail.  In the end, “the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning” (Job 42:12).

Often the suffering of LDS singles leads them down the road of Job.  They can feel wronged when they do their best to keep the standards of righteousness and yet desired righteous blessings don’t materialize.  Worse yet, those blessings don’t show any sign of ever materializing.

But the problem here is in how we think.  We need to correct the faulty assumption that keeping the standards means we’ll have our desired blessings and certainly not in our way and on our schedule.  Elder Christofferson taught,


It truly is folly for us with our mortal myopia to presume to judge God, to think, for example, “I’m not happy, so God must be doing something wrong.” To us, His mortal children in a fallen world, who know so little of past, present, and future, He declares, “All things are present with me, for I know them all.” Jacob wisely cautions: “Seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works.”

Some misunderstand the promises of God to mean that obedience to Him yields specific outcomes on a fixed schedule. They might think, “If I diligently serve a full-time mission, God will bless me with a happy marriage and children” or “If I refrain from doing schoolwork on the Sabbath, God will bless me with good grades” or “If I pay tithing, God will bless me with that job I’ve been wanting.” If life doesn’t fall out precisely this way or according to an expected timetable, they may feel betrayed by God. But things are not so mechanical in the divine economy. We ought not to think of God’s plan as a cosmic vending machine where we (1) select a desired blessing, (2) insert the required sum of good works, and (3) the order is promptly delivered.
The idea that “I’m not happy so God must be doing something wrong” assumes God’s main job is to make our lives blissfully care free.  But God’s work is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).  As we discussed last week, growth is often uncomfortable.  Sometimes that discomfort comes from living without desired righteous blessings.

Correct your assumptions

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How then do the blessings we want come?  Many LDS singles simply shrug their shoulders as they give the most common response: “I don’t know.”  But other responses abound.

In recent years, as the proportion of singles in the Church has grown, leaders have increasingly suggested the receipt of righteous blessings is largely out of our hands.  They say God has an individualized and personalized plan for each of His children, and righteous blessings are dispensed as God executes that plan.

Elder Christofferson appears to be in that camp when he taught,


God will indeed honor His covenants and promises to each of us. We need not worry about that. The atoning power of Jesus Christ—who descended below all things and then ascended on high and who possesses all power in heaven and in earth—ensures that God can and will fulfill His promises. It is essential that we honor and obey His laws, but not every blessing predicated on obedience to law is shaped, designed, and timed according to our expectations. We do our best but must leave to Him the management of blessings, both temporal and spiritual.
I agree blessings which don’t conform to God’s will won’t materialize.  However, I don’t think that means the lack of a particular blessing means it’s God’s will that blessing isn’t there.  D&C 130:21 teaches every blessing is predicted upon obedience to the law connected with that blessing.  If you don’t keep the particular law, you don’t get the particular blessing.

Thus, any lack of companionship and marriage lies not in failing to keep the standards good enough but rather in the assumption that keeping the standards should yield the blessing of companionship and marriage.  Those desired righteous blessings are predicated on a different law.

Partner with Him

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You may well ask, “What is that different law?”  The blessings of companionship and marriage come as singles progress through the stages of the dating journey.  When singles follow the fundamental principles of that journey, they make progress in that journey.  When they don’t follow fundamentals, they don’t progress.  Period.

Following fundamentals means becoming more agreeable, and that means changing you.  Partnering with the Lord is the best way to know what changes you need to make now to become more agreeable.  Partnering with the Lord also provides guidance, courage, and strength in making those changes.  So a failure to see desired blessings in our lives should motivate us to increase our relationship with God, not diminish it.  Elder Christofferson taught,


We are God’s children, set apart for immortality and eternal life. Our destiny is to be His heirs, “joint-heirs with Christ.” Our Father is willing to guide each of us along His covenant path with steps designed to our individual need and tailored to His plan for our ultimate happiness with Him. We can anticipate a growing trust and faith in the Father and the Son, an increasing sense of Their love, and the consistent comfort and guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Even so, this path cannot be easy for any of us. There is too much refining needed for it to be easy. Jesus said:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.
“Every branch in me that beareth not fruit [the Father] taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.”

The process of God-directed purging and purifying will, of necessity, be wrenching and painful at times. Recalling Paul’s expression, we are “joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.”

So, in the midst of this refiner’s fire, rather than get angry with God, get close to God. Call upon the Father in the name of the Son. Walk with Them in the Spirit, day by day. Allow Them over time to manifest Their fidelity to you. Come truly to know Them and truly to know yourself. Let God prevail.

God hasn’t abandoned us simply because desired blessings haven’t come how or when we want.  But we abandon Him when we lose faith in Him and allow that loss of faith to tolerate a lack of devotion to our covenants and our place in His work. That work is not about making life easy and comfortable but about helping others progress along a path that stretches into eternity.

When life doesn’t go as planned, we need to increase our relationship with God.  Hard times are a call to deepen discipleship.  By heeding that call, we’ll find the guidance we need to know the next step as well as the faith and courage to take it.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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No growth in comfort

7/20/2022

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There’s no comfort in growth but also no growth in comfort.
The world is full of essential opposites — elements not only opposing each other but also supplying something essential in their opposition.  Sweet and bitter provide a good example.  Not only do sweet and bitter signify opposing taste experiences, they also provide something essential in their opposition.  We wouldn’t know to prize the sweet without also tasting the bitter, but we know the bitter is bitter because of how it contrasts with the sweet.

The Book of Mormon prophet Lehi spoke of essential opposites when he taught, “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If
not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility” (2 Nephi 2:11).

To Father Lehi’s list of essential opposites we can add this pair: comfort and growth.  We all want growth, but growth by its very nature is often uncomfortable.  And if we avoid the discomfort, we’ll never grow.  There’s no comfort in growth but also no growth in comfort.

Understand the nature

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We’d all do well to remember these essential opposites as we encounter challenges in our lives.  Many LDS singles naturally retract from the discomfort their challenges bring.  That has nothing to do with being single and everything to do with being human.  But the growth they want can’t come without discomfort.

Many of the challenges of LDS singles life come from the nature of singleness. You’re made to connect with another half, but you have only the half you are.  Everything in your life has to come from you.  All your financial support has to come from you.  Maintaining everything in your life has to come from you.  If something doesn’t work, the fix has to come from you.  If you have children to raise, then that too has to come from you.

We’ve all been there in Singleland.  Some of us have been there longer than others, and others more are still there.  In fact, that’s where the majority of the adult Church membership is.  And the majority of that majority is stuck right there in Singleland because they keep looking for the comfortable exit in the futile hope they can grow without discomfort.

Embrace the discomfort

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That hope is futile because growth and comfort are essential opposites.  You can’t grow if you stay comfortable.  To have growth, you must be willing to embrace discomfort.

Notice I said embrace.  A mere acceptance will not do.  You must put your arms around the pain and take it in.  You must channel it into the molding of your character.  You must leverage it to your advantage.  You must take what appears to hold you back and turn it into the very impetus that propels you forward.

Most people don’t think this way, which is why most people when presented with challenge will whimper and wallow in self-pity.  Those who successfully transcend — not just overcome but transcend — their challenges are those who embrace the discomfort.  And that embrace is what allows them to experience the most growth from their challenges.

Experience maximum growth

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We’ve all had the experience not just of trials but also of realization after the trial that the uncomfortable experience made us stronger.  We learned something we didn’t know before.  We have a perspective that’s more complete because of the experience the trial provided.  We grew because of the discomfort.

But most of us leave it there, taking just what life has forced upon us.  We’re leaving some growth on the table when we do that.  There’s so much more growth we could experience if only we embraced the discomfort.

And that discomfort is something LDS singles especially should want to embrace.  We’ve talked often about the fundamentals of the dating journey and how you must become more agreeable by changing you.  That change you most need is almost always uncomfortable.  But embracing that growth by being all in with both your circumstances and what you do in those circumstances will bring that change to you more quickly and more completely.  And maximum growth leads to maximum joy.

There’s no comfort in growth but also no growth in comfort.  May we each remember that truth as we each consider our response to the challenges in our own lives.  And may we each embrace the discomfort in those challenges.  Doing so will maximize the growth we’ll experience.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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The right questions

7/13/2022

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Tackling your challenges often begins with asking the right questions.
We all have struggles in life, and LDS singles are far from any exception.  In the midst of those struggles, it’s normal to ask questions about why things are the way they are.  And some of those questions are more common than others.

All those questions represent a desire for solutions.  Yet many play the broken record, repeatedly asking questions that don’t yield solutions.  They don’t think to question their questions and, more importantly, the thinking behind those questions.  Quality answers come from asking quality questions, so you won’t get the right answers if you don’t ask the right questions.
Thinking back on my experiences with LDS singles over the years (in addition to being one myself), I’ve selected some questions that appear over and over again yet yield poor results.  Also, for each one I’ve better questions that lead to better answers that yield better results.  At the end of the day, we all want results, but tackling your challenges often begins with asking the right questions.

Change your thinking

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Let’s start with what’s probably the leader of the pack.  Many of us are just trying to do the right thing while we find our way in this world, and yet many of us just keep getting beat down.  Over and over again, when things don’t work out, we ask, “Why me?”

I was like that in my 20s.  “I don’t understand,” I’d say to myself.  “I’m trying to do what’s right.  Why is dating so hard?  Why can’t they see what a good person I am?  Why does this have to happen to me?”

With questions like those guiding my thinking, I didn’t get desired results.  And my struggles intensified because I kept doing what I’d been doing.  I kept asking the same questions, which led to the same answers, which brought the same results.

Things kept getting worse until I reached a turning point: I realized I was responsible for my life and whatever it was.  Most turn away from such thoughts, but I embraced it.  And as a result, I started asking different questions.  Instead of asking “Why me?” I started to ask “What do I do now?”

Question your questions

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I can’t begin to tell you how fundamental that flip in thinking was.  Instead of playing the victim, I started playing the victor.  Instead of feeling all was hopeless and lost, I began feeling hopeful that everything could change in my favor.  The blessings I wanted could come to me.

That’s another question I started asking.  Many singles wonder when their blessings will come to them, especially as the years being single begin to accumulate.  But instead of asking “When will my blessings come?” it’s far more productive to ask “What can I do to near myself towards my blessings?”  So many want their struggles to end, but they want the solution to come on demand without doing any real work to get it.  The true joy in life unfolds when you use your agency to quit wallowing in the wanting and start wading in the working.

That’s one major difference between less and more effective questions.  Less effective questions assume you don’t need to change you, and therefore you don’t need to act.  But results come only from action, so taking no or poor action means getting no or poor results.  More effective questions, conversely, assume you must change you, and thus their answers encourage you to exercise the power of your agency and act.  Better action always produces better results.

Claim your power

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That’s why asking poor questions never delivers rich rewards.  I’m sure many if not most of us have asked, “Why does it have to be so hard?”  But how many of us have stopped to examine the assumptions behind that question?  Those who do are more likely to encounter the better question: “How can I get better?”

It’s one thing to wish things were better.  Everyone does that.  It’s another to wish you were better, and most don’t do that.  They focus on what’s outside of themselves, and in so doing they disempower themselves because the power they seek to change their life is already inside of them and by looking outside themselves they focus away from the very power they seek.  When you continually focus on what you can do to grow into something that isn’t challenged by what currently challenges you now, you can achieve amazing results.  You’ll always get better answers by asking better questions.

So when you find yourself asking questions about the state of your life, step outside yourself and ask if you’re asking the right questions.  Only by asking the right questions will you find the right answers, and that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Service isn’t the difference

7/6/2022

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Eventually, I learned why I felt the way I did and why service isn’t the difference.
Before I owned my life and fully integrated the principles taught here on Joy in the Journey Radio, I struggled with LDS singles life.  Particularly challenging were the occasional encounters with loneliness.  It didn’t come often, but occasionally I felt overcome by feeling I was only half of a greater whole and a sense of loss for not having that other half.

Such experiences come with being single.  Almost as common is this advice: Give yourself to service.  The reason why you feel as you do, the conventional wisdom goes, is you’re focusing too much on yourself.  The cure is to forget yourself and go to work serving others.
Yet when I applied this common cure, I found it didn’t really cure anything.  All it did was make me forget myself for a time.  When my service was done, I still lacked a companion, and the associated feelings with that lack returned all the more poignantly.  Eventually, I learned why I felt the way I did and why service isn’t the difference.

The apparent problem

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Service is bandied about as the bandage for lonely souls, and sure, I’ve felt better for a while as I forgot my problems for a time.  But after serving I was always returned to my reality.  The “problem” of being single and lonely was still there.

So if it doesn’t really work, why is service dispensed so often to singles as the answer for their challenges?  I’ve learned most people don’t want to get too involved because that means taking on their burdens and most have enough of their own to bear.  It’s easier to give some glib advice so they feel like they’re helping without getting too involved.

But there’s a complication: The advice is partially true.  It’s not like service doesn’t have any effect.  My problems did seem to go away while I served, even if it was only temporarily.  That benefit evidences some effect from service.

What dissatisfied me was the incompleteness of that influence.  When the service was done, I was always left with myself and my life and the feelings associated with lacking a companion.  My underlying condition was unchanged.

The real difference

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Eventually something did change for me, resulting in a realization of what makes the real difference.  What changed?  It was my thinking, of course!

I began to see a new perspective on my situation.  Service didn’t solve my problem because my problem wasn’t a lack of service.  My problem was a lack of giving my all to what I did.

As we’ve discussed countless times on the broadcast, happiness is giving your all to all the right things for you.  Service is right for everyone, but I wasn’t happy from my service because I wasn’t giving my all to it.  Thus, service became little more than a distraction from my real life, a way to fill time and momentarily escape my challenges.

Changing the way I thought about service made all the difference.  By giving my all to what I did while serving, I found a sense of fulfillment previously unknown.  And that fulfillment yielded satisfaction long after the service moment had ended.  The loneliness of being single had been replaced with a sense of connection to something much larger than myself.  And it was all because I gave my all to what I did.

The true answer

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In the end, fulfillment comes from what you give of yourself while you do it.  The Savior extolled the example of the widow who cast her last two mites into the treasury because, unlike the rich who gave some smaller portion of their greater wealth, she had given her all.  And it was giving her all that made the difference.

Likewise, LDS singles can make a difference in their lives when they give their all to what they do.  Service isn’t the difference, but what we give of ourselves while we serve is.  So instead of advising others to combat loneliness with service, we should advise them to give their all in contributions to others.  That’s something we at Joy in the Journey Radio call a personal ministry.

Ultimately, giving our all can bring us closer to the Savior Who gave His all for all of us.  The meaning of His sacrifice comes not from His life but His willingly giving that life.  When we give our all to what is right for us, we follow in those footsteps.

Service isn’t the difference, but giving your all to what you do is.  So don’t hold back.  Give your all to all that is right for you.  Not only will you find greater happiness, but you’ll fortify yourself against the challenges of life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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    Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have  more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.

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