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Now is the time

9/28/2022

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Now is the time to become the man or woman you were meant to become.
As has been our custom, we’re preparing for General Conference by reviewing one of the Prophet’s addresses from the last Conference.  And the remarks President Nelson made in the address we selected possess an evergreen propriety.

I’m speaking here of the final address of the previous Conference entitled “Now Is the Time.”  It provided a fitting end to the Conference by conveying the attitude with which not just to leave Conference but also to leave behind your former life and embrace a new you.

That’s not a new or unique message to Joy in the Journey Radio.  You’ve always had the power to change your life, and you’ve always had dreams because you were meant to use that power to turn those dreams into reality.  There’s no better time than now to make your dreams real.  Now is the time to become the man or woman you were meant to become.

Today will soon be yesterday

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Time passes by so quickly.  It seems only yesterday I came home from my mission.  Yet in reality it’s been not one day but almost 10,000 days — 27 years.  That number staggers my imagination.

And what changes have occurred in all that time?  I’ve grown in ways I never imagined when I looked into the future 27 years ago.  Many are quite positive, but many have me living far beneath my dreams.  Comparing what I saw for myself then with what I see in myself now reveals vast differences that beg the questions: How did I get here?  How did it come to this?

Many LDS singles ask themselves similar questions as they take stock of themselves.  They live far beneath the dreams they had when they were younger.  And with the world becoming ever more chaotic, they wonder how those dreams have any chance of coming true.

Much lies outside your own individual power to change, but much more remains within it.  As President Nelson reminds us,


The future is always uncertain. Weather changes. Economic cycles are unpredictable. Disasters, accidents, and illness can change life quickly. These actions are largely beyond our control. But there are some things we can control, including how we spend our time each day.
That last part — how you spend your time each day — is key.  Your best life is the collection of results you desire.  Results come only from action.  And every action, in order to exist, must occupy space and time.  You can’t change the past, and the future’s always a day away.  All you have is here and now.  And it turns out that’s all you need to begin living your best life.

It’s time to start moving

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Far too many of us hold ourselves back from our best life.  We focus on the obstacles instead of the opportunities.  We keep looking for and listening to excuses instead of ways to move forward.  And without forward motion, we’ll never develop the momentum we need to push through tough times.

Some hear these arguments and decide to fool themselves.  They leverage lessons from their past to formulate brilliant plans for moving forward.  They feel good about themselves after spending inordinate amounts of time planning and preparing.  But those good feelings never translate into a new life.  Their actions don’t deliver the results of their dreams but rather trick their minds into thinking they’ve done something substantial when in reality they haven’t.

President Nelson understood that situation.  He taught,


Yes, we should learn from the past, and yes, we should prepare for the future. But only now can we do. Now is the time we can learn. Now is the time we can repent. Now is the time we can bless others and “lift up the hands which hang down.” As Mormon counseled his son Moroni, “Let us labor diligently; … for we have a labor to perform [while] in this tabernacle of clay, that we may conquer the enemy of all righteousness, and rest our souls in the kingdom of God.”

The adversary never sleeps. There will always be opposition to the truth. I repeat my urging from this morning to do those things that will increase your positive spiritual momentum, that lift Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf was talking about, that will keep you moving forward through whatever challenges and opportunities come.

Positive spiritual momentum increases as we worship in the temple and grow in our understanding of the magnificent breadth and depth of the blessings we receive there. I plead with you to counter worldly ways by focusing on the eternal blessings of the temple. Your time there brings blessings for eternity.

It’s forward momentum that keeps you moving from one success to another.  Momentum carries you through life’s rough seasons and makes your dreams come true.  And the only way to get momentum is to start moving and then keep moving.  Now is the time to start moving.

Right now is the time

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Everything we talk about on Joy in the Journey Radio is meant to help LDS singles live their best life.  And all of it will mean absolutely nothing for you unless you wield your power of agency to do what you can with what you have right here right now.

All you have is this moment.  When you waste it, nothing in your life changes, at least not for the better.  So don’t waste it.  Begin gathering momentum now.  Live within your covenants more completely now.  Make more time for the temple now.  Take more action towards the results you want in life now.

Now is the time because now is the only time you have.  Once the present becomes the past, you can’t change it.  And when you allow enough present moments to become past regrets you can’t change, your present life falls far below your dreams, leaving you to wonder how you ever got there to begin with.

Don’t wait, and don’t doubt yourself.  Start taking action towards your best life.  Now is the time.  When you diligently take advantage of each present moment, they’ll become past successes that taken together will lift you into your best life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Don’t be a butthead

8/24/2022

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. . . to move towards your goals and dreams, don’t be a butthead!
Recently my reflections on where I am in my life revealed the need to be ever vigilant and watchful.  I’m not making the progress I need to make.  I’ve been slipping, and the slipping has led to sliding, and now I find myself living out a Paul Simon song.

Of course, that song goes, “You know you’re near your destination the more you’re slip sliding away” — a comforting thought as I consider why I started slipping to begin with.  The ball’s at the one-yard line, just inches from the in-zone, and the reason why it landed there and not all the way in is because earlier I kept slipping.  I wasn’t diligent in doing what needed to be done.
That relaxed attitude was no match for the “Yeah, but”s that always intervene when we’re stretching ourselves out of our comfort zone.  “You should work on that dream” confronts “Yeah, but it’s been a long day and I’m too tired” and you don’t make any progress on your goals and dreams.  “You should finish that task” meets “Yeah, but I’ve got bills to pay [or insert other work that appears to take priority]” and you don’t make any progress on your goals and dreams.  So if you want to move towards your goals and dreams, don’t be a butthead!

Leave your comfort zone

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So long as we stay within our comfort zones, we’ll always have average lives of mediocrity.  And that’s the way our brain likes it.  How do I know?  Quite simply, it’s designed into our biological hardwiring.

Anciently, venturing too far outside your comfort zone could get you killed.  Thus, the forces of evolutionary biology adjusted the design of our internal controls.  Our biological hardwiring now provides a check point if we go too far beyond the borders of safety.  “You don’t really want to go this way” becomes the persuasion of the moment attended by a natural pull back within our comfort zone.  It’s all designed to keep us safe.

But staying safe will never result in your best life because staying safe leads only to mediocrity.  Now, I’m not saying we need to be a reckless version of Evel Knievel.  What I am saying is playing it safe every time never got anyone anywhere.  Your best life isn’t found inside your comfort zone.  If it were, you’d have your best life because it’d be easy to find and you wouldn’t be dreaming of something better.

Turn knowledge into action

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None of this is new to me; I’ve known all of it for years.  So why then have I kept slipping?  Why hasn’t the knowledge of how my biological hardwiring works translated into forward-propelling action?  It’s comforting to know that even with all my slipping the ball’s at the one-yard line, but even still. why isn’t it in the in-zone?

I simply haven’t been vigilant watching for lapses.  Our biological hardwiring has us operating mostly out of habit, so it’s easy for eyes to drift away from watching out for potential slips.  And those opportunities to slip sneak so silently upon us that not watching vigilantly essentially invites slips towards our goals and dreams to occur.

Those slips often begin with “Yeah, but.”  Without vigilant watching, those “Yeah, but”s come and carry the moment.  Each surrender to natural inclination is a vote to stay average.  Over time, those votes can aggregate to deliver a life of mediocrity.  In this way you can get close to scoring but never actually do.

Adopt a new habit

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Can you ever get the “Yeah, but”s out of your head?  No, they’re a part of your biological hardwiring.  But you can develop habits for confronting those “Yeah, but”s successfully.

Begin by deciding your response in advance.  Then write out that response: “When I get told ‘Yeah, but’ X in such-and-such situation, I will Y.”  Writing out your response burns it more into your brain so that, when your trigger event occurs, you’re more likely to follow through with your pre-determined response.  Once you play that out enough times, you’ll have a new habit that propels you forward to your goals and dreams.

So don’t be a butthead.  Don’t just let the waves of life carry you wherever the winds happens to blow.  Own your life.  Take control.  Reject any surrender to “Yeah, but” by setting yourself up to adopt the habits you need to succeed.  You’ll find yourself slipping a lot less and scoring wins a lot more on the road to your best life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Your rules are dumb

8/3/2022

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The list of rules their life is supposed to follow is quite long if not endless.
Last time we discussed Elder Christofferson’s latest Conference talk about suffering from the lack of desired blessings.  Many LDS singles have lives that haven’t proceeded according to their plans.  And many have suffered accordingly.  However, examining the assumptions behind one’s thinking gets to the real root of the matter, allowing true solutions to emerge.

Among the common assumptions we examined last week, there was one we didn’t tackle.  Many LDS singles formulate not just a schedule of when desired blessings will arrive but also many of the details of those blessings.  For example, they may think, I’ll not only get married this year, but that person will be top shelf and dreamy.
It’s not uncommon to find singles who have extended such expectations to every part of their lives.  They include how many kids they will have, where they will live, what kind of career they have, and more.  The list of rules their life is supposed to follow is quite long if not endless.  Well, I’ve got just one thing to say to that.  Your rules are dumb.

Make rules for you

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Setting rules for how life is supposed to proceed establishes expectations.  And that’s a problem, especially where other people are involved.  Everyone is so imperfect that you’re almost certain to be disappointed.

I know that sounds cynical.  I’m not trying to be.  Successful people take the world as they find it, not as they wish it would be. That means seeing things as they really are and calling them out.  Expecting people to act a certain way so your life can unfold according to your fantasy is just dumb.

Instead of establishing rules for how others should act, make rules for how you should.  Others will almost certainly disappoint you, but you can choose not to disappoint yourself.  You can work towards your best life by becoming your best self, and you do that by exercising the discipline to conform to rules that your best self would follow.  That process of struggle as you seek to change not just your behavior but your identity fuels the growth for the transformation into your best self.

Leverage life’s little surprises

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Your rules for how your life should proceed are dumb for another reason.  By staking out an expectation of what will or even should happen, you cut off all other possibilities from being acceptable.  And that removes much of the beauty your life could have.

Life is wonderful not because it conforms with some plan of perfection but because of possibility.  Variety and spontaneity are the spices of life because they highlight possibilities.  It’s the possibility of surprise that helps make it interesting.

Of course, some of those surprises would be more interesting if they didn’t invade your life.  For example, my place recently flooded for the third time in the last two months.  A surprise to be sure, but I don’t wallow in playing the victim.  I choose to leverage the event to fuel my drive to improve my situation.  Those improvements require me to think creatively about possible solutions and to work hard to realize them.

If I insisted that my place wasn’t supposed to flood because that’s not how my life is supposed to be, I’d cut off the creativity I need to find solutions.  I’d spend far too much time focusing on the problem, which creates a reality filled with problems.  I’d miss out on how beautiful my life could be by truly living it — taking it by the reins and making it the best it can be.

Open yourself to possibility

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What would happen if you suspended your rules and opened yourself to possibility?  Instead of insisting that your life proceed according to some pre-determined expectation, what if you had the humility to embrace an alternative?

I recall in a previous ward receiving an invitation to dinner.  The family had invited another family to join us.  As we waited for the women to finish preparations, the children were playing outside, and we men were conversing.

Speaking of his wife, one of the men said, “I never thought I’d be happy with a red head, but I am.”  When single, he expected he needed to marry a blonde to be happy.  What he found by releasing that expectation and embracing possibility was true happiness found not in what he had but in what he gave.  And the life he described living was truly beautiful.

Your rules are dumb.  Let go of the expectations that life must unfold a certain way in order for it to work for you.  Your life will work for you when you do the work your best life requires.  And that will bring your more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Stop, turn, and act

1/12/2022

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. . . my unintentional detour away from my intended purpose actually achieved the intended purpose.
The last episode of Joy in the Journey Radio took a turn I didn’t anticipate.  I thought the theme of letting Christ author your story would focus the program on partnering with the Lord in creating new goals.  And I started with that intention.

But it very quickly morphed into something else entirely — the need to let Christ author the story of your dating journey.  I didn’t intend for it to go that way, but looking back I can see that, like Nephi, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do” (1 Nephi 4:6).

And that got me thinking.  What other lessons can I learn from this event?  For starters, I see with added clarity the direction Joy in the Journey Radio needs to take.  I also see how my unintentional detour away from my intended purpose actually achieved the intended purpose.  And it all came about because I was willing to stop, turn, and act.

Stop

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The changes we’re all looking for in our lives are just that — changes.  Nothing in your life will change until you change.  That means you need to stop doing what you’re doing so you can do something different.

Stopping is the first meaningful step in meaningful change.  Even if you do nothing more than stop to question whether or not you’re moving the right direction, you’ll never change if you keep doing the same thing over and over.

Yet that’s what most people do.  They say they want a different life, but then they keep doing the same things over and over.  And because they keep doing the same things over and over, they keep getting the same results over and over.  Their autopilot lives keep them in a state of limbo equilibrium.  And they’ll continue to play out that cycle until they stop.

Turn

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Direction determines destination, so once you’ve stopped taking your life in an undesired direction, you need to turn and adjust your course in a desired direction.  That may sound simplistic, but it isn’t.

And here’s why.  How do you know what direction will lead to the best destination?  More times than not, you won’t.  This is where partnering with the Lord comes in.  It’s also where I learned how deviating from your intended purpose could actually lead you to achieve it.  Sometimes we need to give up what we think is best for us in order to take what really is best for us.

The last episode is a case in point.  I thought the best direction to take the program was seeking direction from the Lord when setting goals.  That’s not bad.  But neither was it best.  The best direction was the one the program took.  We need to accept direction from the Lord in our dating journey, especially when it comes to deciding who we date.  And we need to embrace the Lord’s direction to date those who, left to our own devices, we’d rather not date.

We need to do the same thing in our lives.  Once we stop doing what we’ve been doing, we need to turn to the Lord with a willingness to go in whatever direction He’ll lead us, even if that direction appears to take us away from the destination we want.  I stress the word appears because that’s what it often is — an appearance, an illusion.  If the direction comes from the Lord, how could it not ultimately lead us to the best destination, the one where we’ll be the happiest we could possibly be?

Act

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Once we get that direction from the Lord, all that remains is execution.  We’ll never get to any destination unless we take the steps that lead there.  Results in any endeavor come from one thing and one thing only, and that is action.

The results you get are also commensurate with the action you take.  No results comes from taking no action.  Poor results come from taking poor action.  Good results come from taking good action.  To arrive at the best destination, you need to take the action that will take you there.  That action most likely follows this sequence: Stop what you’re doing, turn to the Lord, and act under His direction.  Partner with Him for your life.

Consider the changes you want in your life, changes you’ve tried to make but continually escape you time and time again.  Then stop, turn, and act.  When you partner with the Lord, you’ll find yourself making more progress towards your best life.  And you’ll find yourself growing as you learn what your best life really is.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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One percent better

12/29/2021

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Focusing on being one percent better is not just doable but far more enriching than the alternative.
With the new year almost upon us, it’s time once again for making new goals most of us will abandon within the first two weeks of January.  I’m not that fickle, but I do have a persistent problem of not reaching all my goals.  In fact, I typically achieve no more than a handful of them.

In considering how I can adjust my approach so next year will be different, I’m reminded of the wonderful Conference address by Elder Michael A. Dunn entitled “One Percent Better.”  Elder Dunn promotes a focus on daily small improvements on the order of just one percent.  If you can improve by just one percent every day for a year, in the end you’ll be 37 times better!
Focusing on incremental, one-percent improvements instead of some grand transformation intrigues me.  I’m led to question not just what goals are best for me but the very process by which I determine those goals.  After all, the process of improvement must be doable to mean anything.  Focusing on being one percent better is not just doable but far more enriching than the alternative.

Catch your vision

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Elder Dunn began his remarks by sharing the story of British cycling.  For about a century, British bicycle racing teams won little distinction.  Their performance was so poor some manufacturers refused to sell bicycles to them, for fear the association would irreparably tarnish them.

But that changed in 2003 when a new coach, Sir Dave Brailsford, was hired.  Sir Brailsford rejected using the latest trends and technology, preferring, as he put it, “the aggregation of marginal gains.”  British cyclists began looking at everything they did and how they could improve by just one percent.  The results were amazing.  As Elder Dunn described,


Brailsford’s small gains began with the obvious, such as equipment, kit fabrics, and training patterns. But his team didn’t stop there. They continued to find 1 percent improvements in overlooked and unexpected areas such as nutrition and even maintenance nuances. Over time, these myriads of micro-betterments aggregated into stunning results, which came faster than anyone could have imagined. Truly, they were onto the eternal principle of “line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little.”
He further explained,

As to repentance’s prerequisite of faith, the scriptures are clear. All that’s initially required is a mere “particle of faith.” And if we can muster this “mustard seed” mentality, we too can expect unexpected and exceptional improvements in our lives. But remember, just as we would not attempt to go from being Attila the Hun to Mother Teresa overnight, so too should we reorient our patterns of improvement incrementally. Even if the changes needed in your life are wholesale, begin at a small scale. That’s especially true if you are feeling overwhelmed or discouraged.
After applying this approach over the past two decades, British cycling has amassed an impressive array of awards, including six Tour de France victories and more Olympic medals across all cycling disciplines than any other country.

Clear your path

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This approach and these results together get me thinking.  What if I’ve been going about this New Years resolution business all wrong?  What if a shift in my focus towards small, one-percent improvements is what I’m really missing?

I began by adjusting my goal creation process.  Normally I start by reviewing my mission statement (which details my life purpose) and then my vision statement (which describes the characteristics of my ideal best self) to see if they still resonate with me.  If they don’t, I make changes until they do.  I then ask myself, “What portion of the gap between where I want to be and where I am will I work on this year?” and I make goals to address that portion.

But I see now this approach invariably leads to biting off more than I can chew.  I always justified it thinking it’s better to aim for the stars and miss than aim for a pile of dung and hit target.  But by attempting too big a change, I set myself up for failure and disappointment.

This year I’m trying a new approach.  Keeping the mission statement review, I adjusted the vision statement review to describe what my best self looks like at the end of the year rather than the end of my life.  I then scored myself on how well I meet that end-of-year standard today.

Of course, that comparison finds me wanting, but that’s OK.  Elder Dunn taught that


This process is not always accomplished in a linear fashion. Even among the most determined there may be setbacks. Having experienced the frustration of this in my own life, I know that it can sometimes feel like 1 percent forward and 2 percent back. Yet if we remain undaunted in our determination to consistently eke out those 1 percent gains, He who has “carried our sorrows” will surely carry us.

Obviously, if we are involved in grievous sins, the Lord is clear and unequivocal; we need to stop, get help from our bishop, and turn away from such practices immediately. But as Elder David A. Bednar enjoined: “Small, steady, incremental spiritual improvements are the steps the Lord would have us take. Preparing to walk guiltless before God is one of the primary purposes of mortality and the pursuit of a lifetime; it does not result from sporadic spurts of intense spiritual activity.”

Stephen Covey declared the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.  For achieving goals, the main thing is making sure to get just one percent better every day.

Work your plan

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I tied each goal to a descriptive characteristic from my end-of-year vision statement to maintain alignment with my direction.  Now the question each day is this: What will I do today to get just one percent better in each of my goals?  I plan on evaluating my progress after each week and month to assess progress and adjust where needed.

Focusing on improvements of just one percent each day seems like my missing essential element.  I’ve already felt greatly encouraged applying this new approach for creating my goals, so we’ll see what develops in what I actually achieve.

If making New Year’s resolutions you’re confident you won’t keep discourages you, or if the failures of previous attempts to achieve and become your best self dismay you, I invite you to consider focusing not on some grand transformation but rather on the one percent change you can make today.  When you get one percent better each and every day, it won’t be long before you find yourself making remarkable progress.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio YouTube channel.
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We do what we want

8/18/2021

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As I think about why I’m where I am, I realize I’m no different than anyone else.
Lately I’ve reflected on my journey thus far in life.  And anyone who knows me well can tell you such moments usually find me waxing philosophical.

As imperfect as we all are, there’s always room for improvement.  I’ve long declared myself a walking construction zone with more imperfections than Swiss cheese has holes.  So any evaluation of my life will find me wanting.  There’s so much I’d like to change and so much that needs to change in order for me to have my best life.

In some ways I’ve changed for the better.  I’m not the same man I was 20, 10, or even 5 years ago.  In some respects, the man I am today is much better than any of those men were.
Yet in other respects, I feel like I’m worse, especially when compared with what I’d expect to be at this point in my life.  As I think about why I’m where I am, I realize I’m no different than anyone else.  We do what we want.

Exploring change

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Tony Robbins once said, “Change is never a matter of ability.  It’s always a matter of motivation.”  If you really want to make a change in life, you simply make the change.  It’s never a matter of ability because, if you want it bad enough, you’ll find a way to do it.

So despite the volume of our protestations, we all do have the life we really want.  My life is where it is because that’s where I want it to be.  I see a change I think I want in my life, and I think I want it because it appears to give me something desirable.  But in reality I have the life I truly desire most, because results come only from actions, and I chose the actions that have given me the results I have.

Still, I keep returning to the question of making changes in my life because what I have truly desired does not completely satisfy.  Why then do I not make the changes that will give me that different life?  I have ability to change but not sufficient motivation.  I’m just too comfortable where I am now.

Diving deeper

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I think many of us live in this same rut.  We don’t really do what we need to do to achieve positive change because we’re far too comfortable with out present life.  Pursuing positive change opens the door to problems and challenges involving pain and confusion.  I think all of us have enough of those not to want any more.

At the same time, there’s no reward without risk.  You can’t really feel the deep joy of love without opening your heart to betrayal and loss.  You can’t lose weight without exposing yourself to pain and discomfort a new diet might bring or to the exhaustion and injury that exercise can inflict.  You can’t experience the good results from being out in the world without exposing yourself to the bad things that happen to people every single day.

Many of us sense these risks and pull away.  We want safe, sure, guaranteed.  So we stay in our comfort zones, yearning to get out but never wanting to do what will get us out.  We’re just not motivated enough.  We’re doing what we want.

Embracing change

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So how then do you get motivated enough to change?  I think we’ll all have our own answer, but I do see one common thread that could tie all those individual answers together.  You get to a point where you won’t tolerate not having the change any longer.

You just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  You make a decision — a real decision, one in which you cut yourself off from every possible outcome except the one you pre-determine.  You put your all into producing the actions that will produce that pre-determined result.  And to keep yourself motivated, you surround yourself with like-minded go-getters who’ll support you in going after your best life.

Not everyone will do that, but either way, we do what we want.  We have the results we have because of the action we’ve taken, and we take that action because that’s what we really want to do.  If you really want to do something different that’ll produce different results in your life, then you’ll do that.  Hitting rock bottom could be the greatest blessing ever, because there you can more easily find your motivation to do something different.  As you then decide not to tolerate anything less than your absolute best, you’ll get yourself on the path to your absolute best life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, for this episode only, you can watch the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio YouTube channel.
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Live where you are

4/14/2021

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Don't reject a date based on your standards for marriage.  Reject a date based on your standards for dating.
Too often LDS singles have difficulty dating because they don’t focus on the fundamentals.  Frustration is a sign you’re going about something the wrong way.  So if you’re frustrated with dating, you’re probably doing it wrong.  You need to stop and re-evaluate your approach by grounding yourself in fundamentals.

Many LDS singles at the beginning stages of their dating journey pre-judge potential dating partners against standards for marriage.  That makes sense superficially.  Dating leads to marriage, and you don’t want to end up with someone you don’t really want.  Plus spending all that time and money with someone who won’t be with you in the end seems wasteful.  Isn’t it better not to start if you won’t finish?

This logic keeps many LDS singles single longer — in some cases, much, much longer.  Here’s a more effective approach: Live where you are in your dating journey.  Don't reject a date based on your standards for marriage.  Reject a date based on your standards for dating.

Know where you are

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To live where you are, you must first know where you are.  Having a good map can be helpful for that.  As we’ve discussed before, the dating journey map shows these stages:
  1. Friendship — In this stage, the commitment level is low.  People come and go as they please.
  2. Casual Dating — There are two kinds of dating, and the first is casual dating.  The commitment level here is higher because you’ve agreed to go on a date but still low overall.  Once the date ends, so does any commitment of the partners to each other.  Everyone can date whoever they wish.
  3. Exclusive Dating — When you date only one person who in turn dates only you, you’ve accepted a greater commitment level.  Hence the name of this stage where you explore being with one person exclusively.
  4. Engagement — In this stage, you’ve decided to raise the commitment up yet another notch.  Here you prepare to formalize the highest level of commitment.
  5. Marriage — Once you’re married, your dating journey as a single adult ends and your dating journey as a married couple begins.

Know your next step

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No map will tell you where to go.  But once you decide your destination, a good map will tell you how to get there.  Understanding the different stages of the dating journey helps you know where you are on the map.  From there, the dating journey map tells you how to get where you want to go.

You don’t climb a mountain by constantly staring at the peak.  You climb a mountain by looking where your feet you are and taking a step forward.  Your focus, then, should be on the next step in front of you, not the end goal.

Once you know where you are in your dating journey, your next step is to secure the agreement for the next stage.  Without the necessary agreement, you don’t progress.  Period.  You don’t need to look beyond the agreement you need for the next stage.  That’s like staring constantly at the summit without looking where you put your feet.  Good luck climbing the mountain that way.

Be where you are

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Many LDS singles have disagreeable dating experiences because they keep looking at that summit of marriage instead of the earlier dating stage where their feet are.  It’s no wonder they keep tripping over themselves and getting hurt.  If that’s your experience, here’s some free advice: Start living where you are.

If you focus on where your feet are and take the next step directly before you, and then the next one, and so on, eventually you’ll climb the mountain.  So focus on where your feet are: Apply standards of dating to dates.

This of course means you might date someone you wouldn’t marry.  So what?  That’s perfectly normal; everyone dates people they never marry.  Only by dating lots of people will you better know that right type of person who demands more serious consideration.

Because you’ll date people you’ll never marry, your standards will change with each stage of the dating journey.  You’ll casually date people you won’t exclusively date.  And you’ll exclusively  date people you won’t marry.

Recognizing these truths makes it easier to live where you are.  You can better enjoy someone’s company irrespective of whether or not you’ll marry that same person when you focus on that moment rather than on some agenda to achieve a future goal.

Applying standards of dating to dating helps you to live in the place where you are.  This in turn helps you to live more fully in the moment and makes you more attractive to someone who can help you be where you want to be.  And that will bring more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio by going to the show page for this episode!
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Let the journey begin again

1/27/2021

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. . . if you’ve been knocked down, get back up and let the journey begin again.
How are those New Year’s resolutions coming along?  If you’re anything like most people, you gave up on your good intentions last week, if not sooner.  Most give up on their New Year’s resolutions within the first two weeks.

I’m of course as human as the next man.  But I’m still in the fight to achieve my goals for this year.  I didn’t start out strong, but I have kept going once I started.

And that’s all success really is in the end — a long succession of choices to get back up and keep going.  Life will always knock you down, but when you’re on the ground, you always have a choice.  You can stay down, or you can get back up.  Success is always choosing to get back up.
That’s because if you always get back up and keep pressing forward, sooner or later you’ll achieve your goals and live your dreams.  You don’t get that staying down.  So if you’ve been knocked down, get back up and let the journey begin again.

Always get back up

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It is about the journey, after all.  The destination is essential in that it determines the direction; it sets the course for your sails.  But no destination ever changed anyone.  It’s the journey that does that.

And it does that job well, but only if you embrace it, only if you choose to be changed by it.  If you stay down when life knocks you down, you essentially choose to stay separated from the destination embodied in your goals and dreams.  You essentially choose to stay unchanged.

But when you get back up after life knocks you down, when you refuse to stay defeated, you choose to be changed by your challenges into something that overcomes those challenges.  Is it easy?  Of course not.  If it were, everyone would be doing it.  Most don’t do it because they aren’t willing to pay the price for what they want.  They prefer the easy choice of staying down.  They prefer the fade out of failure to the surge of success.

Everyone fails

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Perhaps they console themselves in being normal.  Everyone does fail, after all.  So failure doesn’t make you defective or deficient.  It just says you’re normal.

Even those who succeed start out as failures, and many of them failed over and over ad nauseam.  Take Stephen King, for instance, one of the most prolific and popular American authors from the last century.  Publishers rejected his first book Carrie 30 times.  And when that 30th rejection came, King was so disheartened he promptly placed his draft in the circular file.

Life had knocked King down, and left to his own devices, he would’ve chosen to stay down.  But he wasn’t alone.  His wife removed the draft from the circular file, handed it back to him, and asked, “Why don’t you try just one more time?”  That one more time was all King needed.  He published his first novel, and the rest is history.

Every success story I’ve ever encountered goes the same way.  Everyone fails initially, and often abysmally.  But those who succeed choose not to stay down when life knocks them down.  They pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and start all over again.  They rise and declare, “Let the journey begin.”  And off they go to begin again.

Just start over

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All of us can do that, and yes, that includes you.  And here’s the best part.  You don’t need to wait for the first day of the week, month, or year to begin choosing better.  Every day offers the opportunity to begin again.  So if you’re normal and find yourself knocked to the ground before January is through, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over again.

Did you fall off that exercise train you committed to ride at the start of the year?  Hop back on.  If you messed up that diet, forgive yourself and get back on it.  Trying to gain a new skill and missed a day or two or more?  Pick up where you left off.  Struggling with adopting some new positive habit?  Keep struggling, keep fighting, and every time you fail keep starting over.

Whatever goal you set for yourself this year, don’t let failure settle you back into staying your old you.  Let the journey begin again.  Embracing the confrontation with challenge lets you grow into something that transcends your challenge.  You’ll probably fail countless times, and that’s OK.  Just keep punching.  Keep getting back up every time you get knocked down, and eventually you will succeed.  You’ll achieve your goals, you’ll live your dreams, and however many failures you had won’t matter at all.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio by going to the show page for this episode!
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Go big or go home

1/6/2021

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They understand that life is so short and so marvelous the only real decision is to go big or go home.
It’s the start of another new year and another rash of New Year resolutions that will probably be abandoned two weeks from now.  If you’re anything like me, you’ve started many a goal with the best of good intentions only to flounder as the going got tough.

An old adage says, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”  That sounds like you either have what you need to endure or you don’t.  Either you’re tough enough to take it or you aren’t.

To some extent that’s true.  Without the qualities necessary to achieve your dream — qualities like diligence, perseverance, commitment, and hard work — you simply won’t go the distance and pay the price to have your dream.  You just won’t endure.
That said, the smart tough get going long before the going gets tough.  They don’t just wait for the waves of life to crash against them and hope for the best.  They anticipate their challenges and prepare for them.  They embrace a vision that drives them to do more and to be more.  They don’t just perform; they super-perform.  They understand that life is so short and so marvelous the only real decision is to go big or go home.

Think big

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To start, let’s step back from the whole making-goals-for-the-new-year routine and adjust our approach.  Quite frankly, too many of us have simply played out ineffective habits that don’t produce the results we really want in life.  You need to step outside yourself and see everything anew.

And the first thing you need to see anew is yourself.  Too many people refuse to go big because that vision doesn’t match how they see themselves.  Motivational speaker Zig Ziglar often said, “You cannot consistently perform in a manner that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself.”

So are your dreams of your best life small or big?  And how do they compare with how you see yourself?  Do you see yourself as capable of accomplishing great things?  Or do you see yourself as a nobody, a failure, or someone who’ll just never have success?  If you find it hard to dream big, examine your self-image.  If you see yourself as unworthy or incapable, you’ll struggle to believe — and I mean really believe — you can achieve anything great in your life.  So before you start setting goals, you need to get good with you.

Dream big

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Once you’re good with you so the way you see yourself matches big dreams, only then can you truly dream big.  That’s because a poor self-image fetters your dreams within self-imposed restrictions.  When you free yourself from those self-imposed restrictions, you feel liberated to achieve the full measure of your potential.  And it’s an empowering feeling.

However, most never get to that point.  They keep listening to their biological hardwiring say, “Yeah, but ....”  Truly, that voice is designed to keep you safe.  But the longer you listen to that voice, the more your self-imposed restrictions that begin with “Yeah, but” will keep you living far beneath your potential.  “Safe” isn’t really safe.  Risky is the real safe.

Let go of your fears, your disappointments, your inadequacies, your failures, your excuses, and everything else keeping you from the life you want.  No one achieves anything big by accident.  Big results call for intentional choices, and big dreams can drive the choices that produce big results.

Live big

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Notice I haven’t said anything yet about setting goals.  That’s because it’s pointless to go after a target before you’re properly prepared.  If you want to climb Mount Everest, for example, don’t wear shorts and sandals.  Be smart and bundle up.

The same is true about goals.  Before you announce any New Year resolutions — or really any goal at any time — make sure you have the right foundation of being good with you and unchaining yourself from the self-imposed limitations of small dreams.  Only when you think big and dream big can you then live big.

Living big doesn’t mean what it appears on the surface.  It doesn’t mean living outside your means or suddenly achieving greatness in a single bound.  Living big means taking small steps every day and celebrating the daily wins you encounter along the way.  Real success is the daily accumulation of those seemingly insignificant small wins.

So go big or go home.  Life is too short and too marvelous to waste on small potatoes.  Supersize your life by getting good with you, releasing the restrictions on your dreams, and then setting goals to achieve and celebrate the daily wins in your life.  When you do, you’ll grow yourself into living big.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to  listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio by going to the show page for this episode!
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How far you've come

9/2/2020

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It just goes to show you don't know how far you've come until you stop and consider.
Recently I've considered how far I've come since starting this adventure.  Many of my reflections related to my first blog post from 2014.

As I read those words written over six years ago, I felt they could've been written today.  I said that post would likely be my longest.  It has been and probably always will be.  I said I didn't care what others thought, that Joy in the Journey Radio wasn't about me but about helping singles overcome the challenges of LDS singles life.  That's still true and probably always will be.

I said I didn't care if my posts never had any comments.  As of today, that first post and almost all of my other posts, one for each Wednesday since January 1, 2014, have zero comments.  Obviously it's not about me, just as I said it wasn't.
And that's quite an accomplishment.  Most of my posts contain just under 800 of my own words each, so by that estimation I've written about 278,400 words.  That's more than a quarter million words!  It just goes to show you don't know how far you've come until you stop and consider.

Look back and ahead

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I had no idea what I'd accomplished with my word count until I stopped to consider it.  I don't think I imagined that result when I published the first few hundred words with that first post in 2014.  The only thing I imagined was never backing down.  And look what that attitude brought.

We all have potential for greatness.  But if you're like most people, that potential is largely untapped.  I haven't completely untapped my greatness, but as just described, I've started.  And I did it by consistent, persistent effort.  I did the work to lay the "bricks" in my "building" one at a time.  Now, years later, I can look back at the wonderful edifice I've built.

I can also look ahead to the "building" I'll yet have, because what I see today is hardly finished.  That's no different from any of us, really.  We're all walking construction zones, filled with more imperfections than Swiss cheese has holes.  The encouraging part is that God isn't finished with us yet.

Lay your "brick" for today

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If I trust that Master Architect to accomplish His grand design, all I need to do is what's right before me today.  I have the "building" I have because over time I laid the next "brick" when I needed to lay the next "brick."

And in laying that "brick," I thought hardly anything about future "bricks."  I focused simply on the work to be done now, the work that was right in front of me.  That work was laying a single "brick" in place.

I'm reminded of something Will Smith said about success in an interview with Charlie Rose.


You don't set out to build a wall. You don't say "I'm going to build the biggest, baddest, greatest wall that's ever been built." You don't start there. You say, "I'm going to lay this brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid. There will not be one brick on the face of the earth that's going to be laid better than this brick that I'm going to lay in this next 10 minutes." And you do that every single day, and soon you have a wall.
That's all I've done with the Joy in the Journey Radio blog.  I didn't set out to write over a quarter of a million words.  I just set out to write a few hundred each week.  That was the work that was right in front of me each week.  And now, years later, I can look back at the "wall" I've constructed from the accumulation of "bricks" laid for every week after 2013.

Stay slow and steady

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In reality, anyone can do this.  My accomplishment isn't the only one that can be broken down into individual "bricks."  Any greatness you dream of having can come the same way.  In fact, there's no other way it can come.

So what are the small, seemingly inconsequential tasks you need to perform to achieve your dreams?  What "brick" do you need to lay today (and every day) to build the future you want?  If you don't know how to answer that question, perhaps you should stop and consider that.

While you're at it, consider how far you've come already, and schedule appointments with yourself to consider it again at regular intervals into the future.  Our modern age has us expecting everything instantly, but that's not how real progress works.  You need occasionally to consider how far you've come to remind yourself of what you have done and motivate you towards what you can yet do.

It may not be quick, but slow and steady will win your race.  Consider how far you've come.  Then look to the work you need to do today and throw everything you have into doing that work the best you can.  Do that every single day, and before long you'll begin tapping into your potential and living your dreams.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here and continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Find more information about this episode, including how to listen to the entire episode, by going to the show page for this episode.
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    Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have  more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.

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