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Service isn’t the difference

7/6/2022

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Eventually, I learned why I felt the way I did and why service isn’t the difference.
Before I owned my life and fully integrated the principles taught here on Joy in the Journey Radio, I struggled with LDS singles life.  Particularly challenging were the occasional encounters with loneliness.  It didn’t come often, but occasionally I felt overcome by feeling I was only half of a greater whole and a sense of loss for not having that other half.

Such experiences come with being single.  Almost as common is this advice: Give yourself to service.  The reason why you feel as you do, the conventional wisdom goes, is you’re focusing too much on yourself.  The cure is to forget yourself and go to work serving others.
Yet when I applied this common cure, I found it didn’t really cure anything.  All it did was make me forget myself for a time.  When my service was done, I still lacked a companion, and the associated feelings with that lack returned all the more poignantly.  Eventually, I learned why I felt the way I did and why service isn’t the difference.

The apparent problem

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Service is bandied about as the bandage for lonely souls, and sure, I’ve felt better for a while as I forgot my problems for a time.  But after serving I was always returned to my reality.  The “problem” of being single and lonely was still there.

So if it doesn’t really work, why is service dispensed so often to singles as the answer for their challenges?  I’ve learned most people don’t want to get too involved because that means taking on their burdens and most have enough of their own to bear.  It’s easier to give some glib advice so they feel like they’re helping without getting too involved.

But there’s a complication: The advice is partially true.  It’s not like service doesn’t have any effect.  My problems did seem to go away while I served, even if it was only temporarily.  That benefit evidences some effect from service.

What dissatisfied me was the incompleteness of that influence.  When the service was done, I was always left with myself and my life and the feelings associated with lacking a companion.  My underlying condition was unchanged.

The real difference

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Eventually something did change for me, resulting in a realization of what makes the real difference.  What changed?  It was my thinking, of course!

I began to see a new perspective on my situation.  Service didn’t solve my problem because my problem wasn’t a lack of service.  My problem was a lack of giving my all to what I did.

As we’ve discussed countless times on the broadcast, happiness is giving your all to all the right things for you.  Service is right for everyone, but I wasn’t happy from my service because I wasn’t giving my all to it.  Thus, service became little more than a distraction from my real life, a way to fill time and momentarily escape my challenges.

Changing the way I thought about service made all the difference.  By giving my all to what I did while serving, I found a sense of fulfillment previously unknown.  And that fulfillment yielded satisfaction long after the service moment had ended.  The loneliness of being single had been replaced with a sense of connection to something much larger than myself.  And it was all because I gave my all to what I did.

The true answer

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In the end, fulfillment comes from what you give of yourself while you do it.  The Savior extolled the example of the widow who cast her last two mites into the treasury because, unlike the rich who gave some smaller portion of their greater wealth, she had given her all.  And it was giving her all that made the difference.

Likewise, LDS singles can make a difference in their lives when they give their all to what they do.  Service isn’t the difference, but what we give of ourselves while we serve is.  So instead of advising others to combat loneliness with service, we should advise them to give their all in contributions to others.  That’s something we at Joy in the Journey Radio call a personal ministry.

Ultimately, giving our all can bring us closer to the Savior Who gave His all for all of us.  The meaning of His sacrifice comes not from His life but His willingly giving that life.  When we give our all to what is right for us, we follow in those footsteps.

Service isn’t the difference, but giving your all to what you do is.  So don’t hold back.  Give your all to all that is right for you.  Not only will you find greater happiness, but you’ll fortify yourself against the challenges of life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Lessons at the well

6/22/2022

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We’ll make that difference in others’ lives when we heed the lessons at the well.
It’s time once more to return to General Conference and reset our sights with the vision and perspective our leaders shared with us.  Looking back on this past Conference, I can’t help but remember how impressed I was with the women’s session.  In the past, I’ve always read or watched the addresses from the Women’s Session, just as many of the sisters have done with the Priesthood Session.  But none of those Women’s Sessions felt as powerful to me as this one did.

And each of the speakers provided messages worthy of an episode of Joy in the Journey Radio.  That said, I feel to focus the broadcast today on the address from Sister Susan H. Porter entitled “Lessons at the Well.”  She spoke of various elements which she intertwined beautifully, but front and center is the Samaritan woman at Jacob’s well whose testimony of the Savior led many Samaritans to believe that Jesus was the Christ.
What impressed me about Sister Porter’s approach was her use of singles to exemplify her ultimate message of the valuable contribution LDS singles can make in their world.  It’s a message we’ve been promulgating here at Joy in the Journey Radio by encouraging LDS singles to adopt a personal ministry.  We all can powerfully influence those around us for good, and we’ll make that difference in others’ lives when we heed the lessons at the well.

You determine your future

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I love the introduction Sister Porter gives to her remarks.  She was happily married and serving with her husband in the Church in Eastern Europe.  Then her husband’s health took a turn for the worse, and in short order she found herself single.

I don’t know if she actually thought of herself as single.  She didn’t mention that in her address, and I know many who’ve lost a spouse to death still consider themselves married by virtue of their temple covenants.  If your spouse is not in this life living with you, you may be married for the purposes of eternity, but for the purposes of this life, you’re single.

You also have a wonderful opportunity to effect much good.  It starts when you realize your past and present circumstances don’t determine your future.  In referencing her unexpected return to singlehood, Sister Porter shared,


Sisters, I know that many of you feel as I did, unsure how to face difficult challenges and loss—loss because your life is not unfolding in the way you had hoped for, prayed for, and planned for.

No matter our circumstances, our lives are sacred and have meaning and purpose. Each of us is a beloved daughter of God, born with divinity in our souls.

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, through His atoning sacrifice, made it possible for us to be cleansed and healed, enabling us to fulfill our purpose on earth regardless of decisions of family members, our marital status, physical or mental health, or any other situation.

The woman at Jacob’s well exemplified this attitude, which applies just as much to men as it does to women.  She did not allow her past or present condition to determine her future.  She chose to testify of the Savior, and her choice blessed many others.

You have the power

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Likewise, LDS singles can chose to embrace a new future by making the higher choice.  Too often LDS singles play the victim, thinking that their past is prologue and nothing they do will make any difference.

But that’s true for you only if you decide it is.  You’ve been blessed with agency, the second most underappreciated gift of God.  And it’s the second most underappreciated gift of God because so many simply don’t realize the power that’s in them because of this gift.

Sister Porter recognized it.  After quoting D&C 58:26-28 and emphasizing that last phrase in the verses — “for the power is in them” — she declared,


President Russell M. Nelson testified, “Every woman and every man who makes covenants with God and keeps those covenants, and who participates worthily in priesthood ordinances, has direct access to the power of God.”

I have come to know that as we strive to honor sacred covenants made at baptism and in holy temples, the Lord will bless us “with His healing, strengthening power” and with “spiritual insights and awakenings [we’ve] never had before.”

You’re not in this alone!  No matter your past or present circumstances, you can choose to let your light shine, share your goodness with others, and put a dent in the universe.  With the creator of heaven and earth at your side, why choose anything else?

You make the difference

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This is how great ends come out of small beginnings.  The Lord is the Master Gardener, the one best suited to help you grow into the fullness of your potential.  He can transform the seemingly meager contributions you make into extraordinary differences.

Sister Porter shared three examples from the Master’s teachings that demonstrate this effect, one involving salt, one involving leaven, and one involving light.  Each of these items in even seemingly small amounts makes a tremendous difference in their separate contexts.

Likewise, though your efforts may seem small and inconsequential, you can make a tremendous difference in your world.  Your salt can flavor the lives of others, your leaven can lighten their loads, and your light can disperse the darkness surrounding them.  As Sister Porter taught,


. . . hearts can be changed and lives blessed as we offer a pinch of salt, a spoonful of leaven, and a ray of light.

I testify that the
Savior is the salt in our lives, inviting us to taste of His joy and love. It is He who is the leaven when our lives are hard, bringing us hope and lifting our burdens through His matchless power and redeeming love. He is our light, illuminating our path back home.
Heed the lessons at the well and make the higher choice.  When you do, the Savior can turn your seemingly small service into the difference others need in their lives.  In easing the burdens of others, you’ll find your own burdens eased.  In helping others grow, you’ll find your own growth.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Our heartfelt all

4/6/2022

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You get out what you put in, so to get all you can from life you must give your heartfelt all to life.
Wasn’t General Conference this past weekend simply wonderful?  The messages, the music — it was all uplifting and inspiring.  I felt the Spirit teaching me again and again what I need right now to improve my journey through life.

I’m sure many of us share that sentiment.  It should be no surprise then that I struggled once more to select just one Conference address for the program today.  With so many to choose from, it’s more difficult to choose.  But for some reason I feel drawn to Elder Dieter F Uchtdorf’s address entitled “Our Heartfelt All.”

Part of it I’m sure is bias.  I’ve always loved Elder Uchtdorf’s addresses.  And who doesn’t love hearing another airplane analogy?  But there’s something more at work here.  Elder Uchtdorf gets to the heart of discipleship, and there’s a lesson in that principle for LDS singles looking to maximum their joy in their journey, especially those who think their opportunities for joy have passed them by.  You get out what you put in, so to get all you can from life you must give your heartfelt all to life.

Put the Lord first

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Understandably, the weight of life presses on us all.  For many LDS singles who’ve lived years without the righteous blessings they desire, that weight can be heavy indeed.  A pessimistic outlook on the future that often attends that weight doesn’t help.

But there is always hope because there is always Christ.  He can help us go forward when we feel there is no way forward because He is the Way.  When we give our heartfelt all to Him, He gives us access to His power.  And with His power, we can do all things.

That includes maximizing our joy in LDS singles life.  We can find balance amongst all the tensions of life when we put the Savior and our discipleship to Him first and give our all to Him and His work.  As Elder Uchtdorf explained,


Put simply, an aircraft flies only when air is moving over its wings. That movement creates differences in air pressure that give the plane lift. And how do you get enough air moving over the wings to create lift? The answer is forward thrust.

The airplane gains no altitude sitting on the runway. Even on a windy day, enough lift isn’t created unless the airplane is moving forward, with enough thrust to counteract the forces holding it back.

Just as forward momentum keeps a bicycle balanced and upright, moving forward helps an aircraft overcome the pull of gravity and drag.

What does this mean for us as disciples of Jesus Christ? It means that if we want to find balance in life, and if we want the Savior to lift us heavenward, then our commitment to Him and His gospel can’t be casual or occasional. Like the widow at Jerusalem, we must offer Him our whole souls. Our offering may be small, but it must come from our heart and soul.

Being a disciple of Jesus Christ is not just one of many things we do. The Savior is the motivating power behind all that we do. He is not a rest stop in our journey. He is not a scenic byway or even a major landmark. He is “the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by [Jesus Christ].” That is the Way and our ultimate destination.

This is how LDS singles can move their lives forward.

Find a new approach

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This doesn’t mean your solution to the challenges of LDS singles life is more church.  The solution is more you.  When you give more of yourself to what you do, you create the space in which you can have more joy in your life.

It’s that giving more of yourself that actually creates that space for more joy.  That’s why time and time again I’ve defined happiness as giving your all to all the right things for you.  That’s why for years I’ve encouraged LDS singles to embrace a personal ministry.  Like the widow’s mite which Elder Uchtdorf referenced to begin his remarks, your contribution to making the world a better place is worthwhile when it represents your all because it’s only in giving your all that you become a better you.

I can understand why so many LDS singles want to give up on their lives.  Dating often results in frustration and other negative emotions.  Then there’s loneliness.  And those singles who are also parents have double duty in raising their children.  I get it.

But I also get that frustration is a sign you’re going about something the wrong way.  So when you feel life isn’t working right, it’s really you that isn’t working right.  You need a new approach!  Elder Uchtdorf explained how putting the Lord first helps us each find the new approach we need.


It requires both sacrifice and consecration.

It requires letting some things
go and letting other things grow.

Sacrifice and consecration are two heavenly laws that we covenant to obey in the holy temple. These two laws are similar but not identical. To sacrifice means to give something up in favor of something more valuable. Anciently, God’s people sacrificed the firstlings of their flocks in honor of the coming Messiah. Throughout history, faithful Saints have sacrificed personal desires, comforts, and even their lives for the Savior.

We all have things, large and small, we need to sacrifice in order to follow Jesus Christ more completely. Our sacrifices show what we truly value. Sacrifices are sacred and honored by the Lord.

Consecration is different from sacrifice in at least one important way. When we consecrate something, we don’t leave it to be consumed upon the altar. Rather, we put it to use in the Lord’s service. We dedicate it to Him and His holy purposes. We receive the talents that the Lord has given us and strive to increase them, manifold, to become even more helpful in building the Lord’s kingdom.

Very few of us will ever be asked to
sacrifice our lives for the Savior. But we are all invited to consecrate our lives to Him.

Just keep moving forward

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When you partner with the Lord by putting Him and His work first and then taking counsel from Him, He Who is the Way will show you the way.  This principle works in every aspect of life, not just discipleship.  When you give more of you to all you do, you can get more out of what you do.

So if you aren’t getting what you want out of dating, give more of you to it.  Start by learning the fundamentals.  If you aren’t getting more of what you want from your occupation, give more of you to it.  And so it goes for every aspect of life.

You can find the balance and lift you need when you give your all and keep moving forward.  So don’t stop.  Don’t stagnate.  Don’t wallow in the mire of despair.  Don’t wrap yourself in pity.  Focus on where you want to go and keep moving forward.  As Elder Uchtdorf taught,


This is what the widow at the temple treasury seemed to understand. She surely knew that her offering would not change the fortunes of Israel, but it could change and bless her—because, though small, it was her all.

So, my dear friends and beloved fellow disciples of Jesus Christ, let us not be “weary in well-doing, for [we] are laying the foundation of a great work.” And out of our small things will proceed “that which is great.”

Give your heartfelt all to all you do.  You’ll create the space for more joy in your life.  You’ll see life turning around for you.  And you’ll find more balance and lift in your life as you come closer to the Lord.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Not about what you want

3/16/2022

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. . . dating is not about what you want.  It’s about what you bring.
As I survey the recent broadcasts of the program, I can’t help but notice a trend toward riding the dating train.  And it seems to me we should stay on that train.

We’ve discussed the true meaning of compatibility and how dating differs from shopping.  We’ve also explored how we’re all imperfect and therefore should expect our companion to be imperfect.  The next logical step in this progression seems to be to examine what dating is really all about.

We’ve touched on this topic in previous programs but never explored it directly. What is dating really all about?  I can tell you what many LDS singles think.  Just look at their approach.  Thinking always informs action, so what you do consistently over time always reflects what you truly believe.  And what I see in the approach many LDS singles take toward dating tells me they think dating is about what they want.  But dating is not about what you want.  It’s about what you bring.

Why wanting doesn’t work

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On the surface, that may sound counterintuitive.  How can dating not be about what you want?  How could dating even pretend to bring any semblance of happiness without accounting for individual preference?  Am I suggesting we’re all interchangeable parts or that we should embrace arranged marriages?

No, we’re not interchangeable parts.  And although there have been days I wished I could have an arranged marriage just so the frustrations of my dating life would end, those days are far behind me.  Now I approach dating differently, and my approach comes from more effective thinking which aligns better with the fundamentals of the dating journey.

We’ve discussed countless times in previous broadcasts about one such fundamental: To progress to any stage of the dating journey, you must have the requisite agreement.  And how do you secure that agreement?  How do you secure any agreement?  You do it by being agreeable enough.  So if you aren’t progressing in your journey, you need to become more agreeable.

This is why dating isn’t about what you want.  You can want all you want, but no amount of wanting will compensate for not meeting the other person’s definition of agreeable enough.  It’s easy to focus on how the other person’s standards are unrealistically high.  But even if they really are, you still won’t progress in your dating journey if you aren’t agreeable enough.  That’s why it’s called a fundamental.

Why bringing works better

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Yet many LDS singles approach dating with the assumption it’s about what they want.  And many LDS singles experience great frustration with dating.  That’s not a coincidence.  The one follows the other like night follows day.

Instead of approaching dating with the idea it’s about what you want, focus instead on what you bring.  Think about it.  The ideal marriage is the union of two imperfect people who help each other achieve perfection.  That last part — “help each other achieve perfection” — isn’t based in either partner taking.  It comes from each partner giving.  It’s about what you bring, not what you want.

Of course, to give, you must have something to give.  That’s where working on yourself and having a personal ministry take center stage.  When you improve upon yourself and devote yourself to making your own unique combination of goodness to the world, you build an interesting life that others find more inviting.  Fundamentally, you become more agreeable.

Bring on the real

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I’m not saying what you want doesn’t factor into dating at all.  There is a place for expressing and acting on personal preferences.  It’s just not behind the driver’s seat of the most effective approach.

And you do have the option of finding someone whose standards of acceptance are low enough to admit you just as you are, but that’s not the more satisfying route.  You’ll likely attract only others who want to stay as they are, and a union with such a person is just a mediocre existence.  The real relationship is one that leaves you better for being a part of it.  That’s one where each partner gives freely to the other, not just exist in the same space.

Dating is not about what you want but about what you bring.  Embracing that truth allows you to adopt a more effective approach to dating.  You’ll more easily embrace the work needed to make you a better you.  You’ll put yourself in service to others.  Then you’ll experience the satisfaction of making progress.  You’ll piece together your best life and thereby increase your probability of finding the companion who will with you make an truly real and ennobling relationship.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Consider your ways

10/13/2021

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Each day provides a new opportunity to consider your ways and act to change your life.
With another General Conference now fully documented on YouTube and the Church website, many have gone back to their autopilot routine lives.  Sure, there were reflective moments and maybe even a realization that some change in self is needed.  I’m sure we’ve all at one time or another felt that desire inside not just to do better but to be better.

Yet only action produces results.  Whatever changes you need won’t happen until you act.  It’s translating those desires you feel in moments such as Conference provides into actual action that allows the visions of your best self to become reality.
Conference provides a great opportunity to reflect and recommit ourselves to a better path.  But truth be told, every single day holds the same opportunity.  Each day provides a new opportunity to consider your ways and act to change your life.

Consider your time

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We all have the same 24 hours each day, but we all choose to spend it differently.  And how you spend your time reveals what you value most in life.

Me?  I’ve always been a big fan of sleep.  There’s no way it’s overrated.  It’s fantastic!  But you can pursue many things to excess, and sleep is no exception.  I’m sure we’re all familiar with the admonition in D&C 88:124 to “arise early.”  I’m actually still working on that.

But I’ve found, when I can do it, an early start radically changes the entire day.  I’m way more productive, producing more value more easily.  I feel more focused and energized throughout the day.  And at the end of the day, I’m just more satisfied with myself.

I don’t get those benefits if I prioritize personal playtime and consuming content, and neither will you.  If you want your best life, you need to answer these questions: Do you devote more time to worthy causes or frivolous pursuits?  Are you the captain of your life’s ship, or do you just float wherever the waves of life take you?

Consider the consequences

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Speaking of sleep, what does “retire to thy bed early” mean?  I think we each must find our own way.  For myself, the sooner I get to sleep, the easier it is to beat the sun up.  My body simply takes what sleep it needs, so staying up late doesn’t help me “arise early.”  And if I don’t get up early, I won’t get the resultant benefits.

In fact, getting up late usually means getting the exact opposite.  I get tons more desire to play and waste the day.  If I do manage to drag myself into some productive pursuit, I’m anything but focused.  My mind goes all over the map.  At the end of the day, I’m left with nothing but the shame of having wasted the day.

On my mission, I heard an African story.  Every morning a gazelle awakens.  He knows his best chance of escaping the tiger hunting him is to get as much of a head start as he can.  But every morning that tiger also awakens.  He knows his best chance of eating that day depends on catching the gazelle before he starts running.  Thus, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a gazelle or a tiger.  When the sun comes up, you had better be running.

Consider your needs

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Your sleep schedule is just one of many ways you should consider.  We should all reflect on what we need to get where we each want to go and then consider getting what we don’t have but need.  Sometimes that means gaining new knowledge.  Sometimes that means acquiring a new tool.  Sometimes that means having the right people in your life.  Your Heavenly Father, the Lord, and the Spirit are indispensable members of that support team.  Don’t forget to include them in your plans for success.

In the end, you won’t get the most out of life unless you live intentionally.  Only by choosing your activities with intention can you get the most juice for your squeeze.  And the best intention for your time includes your own personal ministry by which you contribute to making the world a better place.

So consider your ways.  Are you making the most of every day?  Are you living with intention?  I can’t say I always have.  But I can say I’ve experienced real joy in living when I’ve consciously chosen how to spend my time to achieve worthy goals.  And I’m grateful to be reminded of the opportunity each day brings to consider my ways and make changes where necessary.

If you haven’t considered your ways recently, do so now.  You’ll open the door to feeling more satisfied with yourself each and every day.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio YouTube channel.
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Expand your horizons

7/28/2021

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If you feel your dating options are limited or even non-existent, it’s time to expand your horizons, dare to step out, and strike new ground.
Last week we discussed the need to see others with Johnny Lingo eyes when dating.  Seeing what others could become and then walking beside them to help them reach that potential isn’t an approach many singles take.  But embracing it can help you see more of the opportunities all around you.

Still, some singles have limited vision.  They aren’t impressed with often cliquish singles wards.  Singles activities don’t really engage them.  They see online dating sites filled with rejects, people so entitled it’s no wonder they’re single, and scam artists who are just downright creepy.  And blind dates that seem to have more in common with a married friend’s desire to play matchmaker than anything else certainly offer no appeal.
When the options before you seem untenable, it’s time to get some new ones.  Most people simply accept what they’re given, but the truly successful open new doors when the old ones close, even if that means making the new doors themselves.  If you feel your dating options are limited or even non-existent, it’s time to expand your horizons, dare to step out, and strike new ground.

Increase your service

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The key to increasing your success is thinking probabilistically.  Target actions that increase your probability of success.  Often that means increasing the likelihood of crossing paths with acceptable prospects.  When you know what activities those types of people have in their life, it’s easier to find new opportunities to meet them.

For example, if you want a worthy companion you can take to the temple, you need to cross paths more with temple worthy people.  What activities do temple worthy people have in their life?  Service is a big one.  How do you cross paths more with people who have service in their life? By serving more yourself.

So expand the scope of your service.  Really delve into your ministering assignment.  Get more active with family history in family history centers.  Pray for and be attentive to service opportunities in your ward.  Spend more time in the temple.  My grandfather met his second wife while serving in the temple.

You get more opportunity to meet quality people when you cross paths more often with quality people.  The probability you’ll do that increases substantially when you position yourself for that crossing to happen.  And the best way to do that is to identify what the people you want to meet do in their lives and then do the same things in yours.

Leverage social media

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The advent of social media offers an amazing opportunity to do just that.  The business model social media platforms use lets you leverage them for free.  And when you understand the fundamentals of the dating journey, leveraging social media for dating becomes quite natural.

Too many LDS singles frustrate their own progress by thinking huge commitment when considering dating.  They aren’t being in the place where they are.  The dating journey has various stages, each with more commitment than the one before.  The first stage, Friendship, has zero commitment.  Guess what stage you’re in when you first meet someone?  Yep, Friendship.  So focus on building friendship when you meet people since that’s the stage you’re in.

Join groups that attract the type of people you want to meet, get active in group discussions, and you’ll increase your probability of crossing paths with quality prospects.  Then be in the place where you are — whatever stage of the dating journey you’re in — as you get to know people.  Your journey will go better when you’re in the place where you are.

Adopt a personal ministry

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My final suggestion I’ve mentioned before.  Long-time audience members will recognize my encouragement to adopt a personal ministry.  Find some contribution of goodness you can make, and then devote yourself to making that contribution.

Adopting a personal ministry makes you a more interesting person, which in turn makes you more attractive in dating.  And the people who’ll cross your path as you perform your personal ministry are more likely to be quality prospects interested in devoting themselves to causes similar to the one you embrace with your personal ministry.  What a wonderful foundation for a friendship that could grow into a wonderful foundation for marriage!

If you’re frustrated with the dating options LDS singles typically pursue, expand your horizons by imagining new options that approach dating in different ways while still based in the fundamentals of what you’re trying to do.  We all have opportunities all around us, and when we embrace new and different ways of thinking, we can see more of those opportunities and then take advantage of them.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio by going to the show page for this episode!
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Hope in Christ

5/28/2021

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With hope in Christ, you can joyfully rise above any challenge.
As we all know, this past Conference revealed a bombshell statistic: Singles comprise the majority of adult Church members.  Elder Gong first revealed that fact in his address, which we explored in our post-Conference program.  But for some reason, people seem to think President Ballard first revealed it.  It’s his address I’d like to explore today.

In a way, it’s fitting President Ballard address singles.  After all, he is one!  I wonder if the loneliness he’s felt since his wife died has prompted him to see singles with different eyes.  Regardless, he encourages everyone to have those eyes.  And the path he advocates for that is one of discipleship.
Christ is of course the ultimate source of hope for anything good in this life or the next.  No matter your background or situation, there is always hope because there is always Christ.  That doesn’t mean you won’t have challenges, but it does mean every problem has some solution in Him.  With hope in Christ, you can joyfully rise above any challenge.

Hope has power

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I especially like President Ballard’s reliance upon eternal principles of truth.  He doesn’t really talk about singles until halfway through his address.  He spends the first half laying out the foundational principles that support his remarks on singles.  That’s significant.

Equally significant is his repetition of what Elder Gong shared earlier.  The majority of LDS adults are single.  The public recognition of this demographic change precedes a new thrust by the Church to change LDS culture.  Leaders might not describe it that way, but the Church is certainly publicly reaching more after those who by definition don’t have the traditional marker of belonging in LDS culture, namely being married with kids.

And it’s more than just Conference talks.  Have you seen the Church website lately?  The website has been promoting an upcoming broadcast for singles over 30, the first ever Church-wide broadcast tailored entirely and specifically for this demographic.  There’s also an excellent article in the latest Liahona providing practical advice on helping singles feel more included at church.

This is the power of hope in Christ.  How long have I discussed in blog posts and this radio program the need to embrace a Christ-centered culture in which the mark of belonging is discipleship?  For the past seven years I’ve expressed my faith such a change would come, even amidst the challenges of feeling included in a culture that didn’t always welcome me.  And now I rejoice to see the Lord rewarding the faith I and many others have held all this time.

Hope means action

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President Ballard extolled singles everywhere to have such faith.  Said he, “I speak of hope in Christ not as wishful thinking. Instead, I speak of hope as an expectation that will be realized. Such hope is essential to overcoming adversity, fostering spiritual resilience and strength, and coming to know that we are loved by our Eternal Father and that we are His children, who belong to His family.”

How does one achieve such hope?  It comes by faith in Christ who grants that hope to those who wait patiently upon Him.  Because faith is a principle of action, so is waiting upon the Lord.

President Ballard said as much.  He declared,


. . . waiting upon the Lord implies continued obedience and spiritual progress toward Him. Waiting upon the Lord does not imply biding one’s time. You should never feel like you are in a waiting room.

Waiting upon the Lord implies action. I have learned over the years that our hope in Christ increases when we serve others. Serving as Jesus served, we naturally increase our hope in Him.

The personal growth one can achieve now while waiting upon the Lord and His promises is an invaluable, sacred element of His plan for each one of us. The contributions one can make now to help build up the Church on earth and to gather Israel are much needed. Marital status has nothing to do with one’s capacity to serve. The Lord honors those who serve and wait upon Him in patience and faith.

I love his declaration of increased hope through needed contribution, a concept we’ve long discussed here — the need for singles to have a personal ministry.  When you devote yourself to sharing your unique goodness and light with others, you focus on what you can do.  That focus in turn creates a reality of possibility and potential, which naturally leads to hope.

Hope is yours

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President Ballard shared other principles that engender hope — the truth no blessing will be denied those who keep covenants, the assurance blessings will be ours though we don’t know all the details, the inclusion of exaltation in God’s plan for all the willing, and faith the Lord will eventually right every wrong experienced in mortality.  Each of these principles encourage us to hold to the promise of better days ahead.

And that promise is true.  It’s not just wishful thinking.  Better days are ahead!  Whether those days come tomorrow, two years from tomorrow, or two centuries from tomorrow, better days will come.  Faith helps us to see those better days, and hope helps us hold true until those days arrive.

There is always hope because there is always Christ.  Let your hope in Christ kindle a fire of faith that promised blessings will be yours.  Let your hope in Christ inspire you to share the light of your goodness with others.  As you embrace your own personal ministry, you’ll see that light grow ever brighter and brighter.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio by going to the show page for this episode!
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Peace comes from within

12/16/2020

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. . . peace doesn’t come from outside ourselves.  Peace comes from within.
The Christmas season is in full swing, but I just haven’t felt the spirit of the season like I have in past years.  This year has been nothing short of crazy with a pandemic, riots, and political turmoil.  In addition, I find myself immersed in demanding coursework.  I should be feeling peace amidst the Christmas season.  Instead, I feel anxious, concerned, and deeply troubled.

The greatest difficulty for me has been and continues to be the inability to attend the temple.  I understand why the temples would close in a pandemic.  At the same time, there’s a peace I’ve been able to find only within the walls of the temple, a peace I haven’t fully found outside those walls, a peace I sorely need now.
But in reflecting upon my situation, I’ve come to realize my faulty assumption.  I’ve been assuming I can find peace only outside myself.  I want to get away from the fighting that fills our communities.  I want to escape the turbulence of these troubled times.  I want to resolve the circumstances outside myself that I’ve erroneously connected with how I feel inside myself.

But peace doesn’t come from outside ourselves.  Peace comes from within.  As a popular song teaches, let there be peace, and let it begin with me.  When we take proper action, we can have peace within even though the world around us has anything but.

Align yourself

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Your focus determines your reality.  So when you change your focus, you change your realty.  When you change the way you think, you change your life.

All of us can create a reality of peace in our lives when we focus on what brings peace.  And the ultimate source of peace is the Prince of Peace.  He suffered our pains and troubles so that He would know how to be compassionate in our hour of need.  He died so that we could live.

That life Christ gives isn’t just eternal life in the realm beyond the veil.  He gives life here and now in mortality.  He can lighten our load and light the way before us.  He can lift us when we are low.  He can give hope amidst despair.  But in order to make His lift, His light, and His love our reality, we must focus upon Him.

The Christmas spirit of peace lives in us when we increase our discipleship to the Prince of Peace.  It’s when we ignore His teachings or turn our focus away from the weightier matters of covenant living that we bring ourselves the opposite of peace.  Aligning our will with His brings a harmony with truth that makes our hearts a natural home for peace.

Give yourself

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And only when we have peace within ourselves can we effectively promote peace outside ourselves.  Only a continued walk after the Prince of Peace can inspire others to follow His enlightened example and find peace within themselves.

But deep, lasting peace never comes from just going through the motions.  Just as true happiness comes from giving yourself to all the right things for you, deep, lasting peace comes only when you align yourself with all the right things for you.

Of course you should strive to keep the commandments and your covenants.  Those things are right for everyone.  But beyond the standards reside what’s right for each of us individually — goodness related to your personal ministry and the contribution only you can make in the lives of others.

When you give yourself to those right things that only you can do, you promote peace.  You become a city shining on a hill giving goodness, light, and love to an increasingly darkened world desperately in need.  And that peace you bring to others can bring greater peace to you as well.

Promote peace

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You can’t really share with others what you yourself don’t have.  It all starts where the song says it starts.  Let there be peace.  And let it begin with me.

Peace comes from within, so let each of us align ourselves with God.  Let each of us be true to our covenants.  Let each of us give what only we can give.  Let each of us focus on Christ and feel the peace that comes from following after the Prince of Peace.

Then let us all go forward and share that peace with others.  Let us light their lives.  Let us give them hope.  Let us lighten their load.  Let there be peace.  And let it begin with me and you.  We will find a peace we have never before known when we cultivate peace within our own hearts like we have never before done.  And doing that will bring us more joy in our journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Learn how you can listen to  all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio by going to the show page for this episode!
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Bringing souls to Christ

9/16/2020

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We can spend our lives doing many good things, but in the end all those good things won't count for much if they don't help people come unto Christ.
My new calling as stake executive secretary certainly hasn't been dull.  For one, I've thoroughly enjoyed hearing the discussions in stake meetings.  The most interesting involve strengthening the faith of members in the context of current events.

I've also been blessed to witness revelation.  Most recently it happened this past Sunday during a stake priesthood leadership meeting.  The group was discussing how to improve ministering efforts, and many of the brethren present gave ideas which at the time sounded really insightful.

But nothing is more insightful than pure revelation.  After several of the brethren shared their remarks, the stake president began speaking.  And as he spoke, I could very palpably sense the Spirit descending upon him as he gave purely inspired instruction.  But I also felt the gentle but insistent suggestion that I implement those same words in my own life.
Without question, the words that impressed me most were these: We can spend our lives doing many good things, but in the end all those good things won't count for much if they don't help people come unto Christ.  Those words have prompted moments of reflection as I've considered my own ways.  How much of what I do leads others to Christ?

Find the real question

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In that moment of pure revelation, I understood intuitively the Spirit's impressions applied to every area of my life.  And there's one part of my life to which the application seemed most clear.  That part is Joy in the Journey Radio.

I've sacrificed and labored endlessly for the past eight years in what is now Joy in the Journey Radio.  Some of my contributions have been more well received than others.  Most of those others haven't been received at all.  They are blog posts without comments, videos without views, podcasts without listens.

One might say all my effort has been for naught.  What good is all I've done if no one knows about it?  What good is an unreceived gift?  Here's my answer: The show isn't over until the fat lady sings, and it's not even close to the time the fat lady takes the stage.  By placing it out in the world, my contribution is available to make a difference in someone's life.  Just because it hasn't done so to date doesn't mean it never will.  God can still use my contribution for His purposes.

Consider what would be had I not made my contribution.  I couldn't ever make any difference because nothing would be there to make a difference.  The real question at hand is not what difference my contribution does make.  The real question is what difference my contribution can make.

Answer the real question

That's where my recent experience with pure revelation enters the picture.  The most important difference anyone can make is to bring souls to Christ.

   And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!
   Wherefore, you are called to cry repentance unto this people.

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   And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!
   And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! (D&C 18:13-16)

With all we say and do, the most difference to be made is advancing God's eternal purposes.  His "work and . . . glory [is] to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39).  In that light, what difference could be more significant than helping our brothers and sisters progress along the covenant path?

That's why the real question resulting from my reflections is really this: How effective is the way I use my time?  In the end, all we really have in life are our will, our relationships, and our time.  President Oaks once observed that

The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them.  Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives. . . .  As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good.  Other choices are better, and still others are best.  Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all. ("Good, Better, Best", October 2007 General Conference)
How wise is that timely counsel!

Embrace the answer

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The contributions I've made thus far through Joy in the Journey Radio can help LDS singles find more joy in their lives.  But is that the better or best contribution I can make?

I haven't completely ignored helping others come to Christ.  I've dedicated one monologue blog post and its attendant program each month to returning the most recent General Conference.  And I always view issues through the lens of the restored gospel.  I always support the Brethren and prioritize walking the covenant path.  And I always encourage others to do the same.

But I should be more overt about it.  Joy in the Journey Radio should be more forward about bringing souls to Christ.  The difference I can make through the purposes already expressed through Joy in the Journey Radio are all good.  But are they better or best?  They can be when they highlight bringing souls to Christ.

And so can be your purposes in your life.  What difference will you make with your contribution?  Will it be good, or will it be better or best?  The Lord has been hastening His work in preparation for His Second Coming.  When you surrender your will and your time to advance His purposes, He will advance yours.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here and continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Find more information about this episode, including how to listen to the entire episode, by going to the show page for this episode.
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You got played, bro

8/12/2020

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Yes, it hurts, but you minimize your future pain when you get good with you, chart your course, and then stay your course.
Recently I've noticed an increase in Facebook posts from frustrated single LDS men (or at least those groups I've joined).  The latest greatly concerns me mostly because I see clear as day what's happening while the man in this story (who we'll call Harry) gropes in darkness, heartbroken and confused.

Now, every story always has more than one side.  I'd love to consider the woman's side, but we have only Harry's.  That said, we can still draw some conclusions, especially considering what happened to this poor priesthood holder is much more common than unique.

Here's the post.  Unsure whether Harry wants to be known in this forum, I'm erring on the side of caution by blotting a few identifying details.
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Harry has no clue what happened here.  But I do; I see very clearly what's happened.  Harry, my man!  You got played, bro.

Get good with you

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In the comments to this post, most men think the woman was disingenuous, and most women think she was completely honest.  I think if we understood more how each gender thinks, we all might gain an increased understanding prompting greater patience.

Men think with logic.  Reason drives them to seek enticement.  Women think with emotion.  Emotion drives them to seek experience, by which I mean the experience of desired emotions as they live their life.  To understand the choices made in interactions between the sexes, we need to see those choices through each respective perspective.

From the perspective of logic, it's reasonable to expect further interactions based on positive past experience.  From that perspective, what the woman did was not honest; she's playing games.  However, from the perspective of emotion, it's just as reasonable to choose the feeling of being with someone offering enjoyable company (even if that someone is not the right type) over the feeling of being with no one.  From that perspective, what the woman did was honest; she's not playing games.

Who's right?  They both are.  That's why you have got to get good with you and the biological hardwiring in each gender's brain, because that's not going to change.  The sooner you can understand each perspective, the sooner you can accept those perspectives and get busy with what will make you more attractive and your dating journey more enjoyable.

Chart your course

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The best way to become more attractive and enjoy your dating journey is to become the best version of you and adopt a personal ministry — your unique contribution of goodness to the world.  By improving upon yourself and giving all of yourself to your special way of improving the lives of others, you chart a course that will both best attract the type of companion that's best for you and maximize your joy along the way.

Too many LDS singles struggle with dating because they have ineffective assumptions.  It's all too common to find men and women who view singles life as something they must escape.  While understandable, that mindset is all backwards.  Trying to escape singles life suggests it's a problem, and no one wants more problems.  It also makes you look desperate, and no one really wants desperate.

Many LDS singles also don't understand the fundamentals of dating.  When they participate in dating (or what they think is dating), they trip all over themselves, ending up hurt and frustrated.  But that's to be expected when you don't understand the fundamental principles governing what you're trying to do.

When you do understand, you see your best course is to embrace singles life.  No matter how long it may be, make your singles life the best it can be.  Get good with you, make you the best you, and throw yourself into a life of contribution, a life that someone special will want to live with you.

Stay your course

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Of course, the hardest part is to keep going without knowing how much farther until your journey ends.  But you must keep going, because the moment you quit is the moment you lose all attractiveness, the currency you need to secure the agreements required for progress in your dating journey.

You can't avoid the difficulties surrounding not knowing when your dating journey will end, but you can avoid many other difficulties in that journey with more frequent, higher quality communication.  We all need to assume less and ask more.

Harry, I'm truly sorry you got played, bro.  Yes, it hurts, but you minimize your future pain when you get good with you, chart your course, and then stay your course.  Understand how each gender thinks and what drives their choices.  Stop trying to escape singles life and start embracing it.  When you do, you'll start living your best life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey. 

You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here and continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Find more information about this episode, including how to listen to the entire episode, by going to the show page for this episode.
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    Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have  more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.

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