Good enough is not flawless

When the destination is eternity, it’s always better to deal with frustration by changing your approach.

As always, General Conference this past weekend was wonderful and challenged me with deciding which Conference address to use for the program today.  I’ve settled on the discourse given by Elder Bradley R. Wilcox entitled, “Worthiness is not flawlessness.”  Elder Wilcox focused on that title idea.  Being worthy isn’t being perfect but rather being on the covenant path and trying to stay on that path.  I found his remarks very useful for the adjustment they provide to the perspective many typically have, and all that in around ten minutes.

But there was something else that intrigued me.  As Elder Wilcox spoke, I saw a ready application to dating.  Just as many confuse worthiness to mean perfection, many LDS singles confuse good enough with perfection.  They think a potential candidate must have every attribute in a long list of “essential” qualities in order to be a legitimate candidate.

That attitude has everyone accepting only “top shelf,” which is great if you can get it but isn’t essential to maximizing your joy in life.  That maximum joy comes from embracing good enough. And just like worthiness is not flawlessness, good enough is not flawless.

Embrace change in you

How incredibly ironic that many LDS singles expect perfection in an eternal companion but then also expect they’ll be completely acceptable in their imperfection.  They expect the “perfect” person to love them for who they are as they are.  It’s as though change has no place in their equation.

But change is at the heart of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.  Indeed, the idea we need to change or be lost forever is core to the Atonement, the central part of our Heavenly Father’s plan.  Expecting a companion who doesn’t need to change isn’t just unrealistic; it stands at odds with the gospel plan.  That plan has us here in mortality with imperfections galore.  We’ll all have many flaws as we journey through this mortal life.

Elder Wilcox noted the same principles as he responded to this hypothetical question:

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But doesn’t God love us despite our shortcomings?  Of course.  He loves us perfectly.  I love my grandchildren, imperfections and all, but that does not mean I don’t want them to improve and become all they can become.  God loves us as we are, but He also loves us too much to leave us this way.  Growing up unto the Lord is what mortality is all about.  Change is what Christ’s Atonement is all about.

Too many LDS singles aren’t progressing in their dating journey because they insist on not changing, that anyone who can’t love them as they are obviously isn’t the perfect companion.  But the truly perfect companion is one who will both love you as you are today and not leave you as you are today.  The perfect marriage is the union of two imperfect people who work together to perfect each other.  They accept each other as they each are today, but they don’t accept staying that way.

Embrace the longer road

Some LDS singles undoubtedly reject the idea of change because they know what change will mean.  Seeing themselves in all their imperfections, they know how much work correcting those imperfections will require.  It’s much easier to cling to the thought of a “perfect” companion than to put the hammer down and do the work which change in self requires.

Yet doing the work is the more practical approach.  No matter your approach to your dating journey, the fundamentals will always operate.  You don’t progress without the necessary agreement, and you don’t get that agreement unless you’re agreeable enough.  So progress in the dating journey often means traversing a longer road of change through hard work.

That’s how all of life is designed to be.  Elder Wilcox recognized that design when he declared,

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Life is like a cross-country road trip.  We can’t reach our destination on one tank of gas.  We must refill the tank over and over.  Taking the sacrament is like pulling into the gas station.  As we repent and renew our covenants, we pledge our willingness to keep the commandments and God and Christ bless us with the Holy Spirit.  In short, we promise to press forward on our journey, and God and Christ promise to refill the tank.

Just as worthiness isn’t about perfection but about patience and persistence in walking the covenant path, so your dating journey isn’t about finding the perfect person but about finding the type of person who’ll walk with you as you help each other become perfect together.

Embrace all the joy

If you’ve sincerely tried to walk that path yet feel beaten down by failure after failure, don’t succumb to surrender and change your destination away from eternal blessings.  When the destination is eternity, it’s always better to deal with frustration by changing your approach.

Many share impatience as an imperfection, so it’s not surprising many LDS singles want the changes they seek to happen now.  Yet often the changes we seek will not come overnight or all at once.  Elder Wilcox taught this principle as he shared the story of Damon, a young man who struggled with his own changes.  In the end, Elder Wilcox recommended,

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Considering how long Damon had struggled, it was unhelpful and unrealistic for parents and leaders assisting him to say “Never again” too quickly or to arbitrarily set some standard of abstinence to be considered worthy.  Instead, they started with small, reachable goals.  They got rid of the all-or-nothing expectations and focused on incremental growth which allowed Damon to build on a series of successes instead of failures.  He, like the enslaved people of Limhi, learned he could “prosper by degrees."

Elder D. Todd Christofferson has counseled, “To deal with something very big, we may need to work at it in small daily bites.  Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or overcoming bad habits or addictions most often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow and then another, perhaps for many days or even months and years, but we can do it because we can appeal to God for the help we need each day.”

Good enough is not flawless but is committed to positive change.  Embrace needed changes in you and others as well as the work those changes will require.  And embrace the Lord by partnering with Him for your journey.  You’ll find it easier to make progress and more support as you do.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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