When the options before you seem untenable, it’s time to get some new ones.  Most people simply accept what they’re given, but the truly successful open new doors when the old ones close, even if that means making the new doors themselves.  If you feel your dating options are limited or even non-existent, it’s time to expand your horizons, dare to step out, and strike new ground.

The key to increasing your success is thinking probabilistically.  Target actions that increase your probability of success.  Often that means increasing the likelihood of crossing paths with acceptable prospects.  When you know what activities those types of people have in their life, it’s easier to find new opportunities to meet them.

For example, if you want a worthy companion you can take to the temple, you need to cross paths more with temple worthy people.  What activities do temple worthy people have in their life?  Service is a big one.  How do you cross paths more with people who have service in their life? By serving more yourself.

So expand the scope of your service.  Really delve into your ministering assignment.  Get more active with family history in family history centers.  Pray for and be attentive to service opportunities in your ward.  Spend more time in the temple.  My grandfather met his second wife while serving in the temple.

You get more opportunity to meet quality people when you cross paths more often with quality people.  The probability you’ll do that increases substantially when you position yourself for that crossing to happen.  And the best way to do that is to identify what the people you want to meet do in their lives and then do the same things in yours.

The advent of social media offers an amazing opportunity to do just that.  The business model social media platforms use lets you leverage them for free.  And when you understand the fundamentals of the dating journey, leveraging social media for dating becomes quite natural.

Too many LDS singles frustrate their own progress by thinking huge commitment when considering dating.  They aren’t being in the place where they are.  The dating journey has various stages, each with more commitment than the one before.  The first stage, Friendship, has zero commitment.  Guess what stage you’re in when you first meet someone?  Yep, Friendship.  So focus on building friendship when you meet people since that’s the stage you’re in.

Join groups that attract the type of people you want to meet, get active in group discussions, and you’ll increase your probability of crossing paths with quality prospects.  Then be in the place where you are — whatever stage of the dating journey you’re in — as you get to know people.  Your journey will go better when you’re in the place where you are.

My final suggestion I’ve mentioned before.  Long-time audience members will recognize my encouragement to adopt a personal ministry.  Find some contribution of goodness you can make, and then devote yourself to making that contribution.

Adopting a personal ministry makes you a more interesting person, which in turn makes you more attractive in dating.  And the people who’ll cross your path as you perform your personal ministry are more likely to be quality prospects interested in devoting themselves to causes similar to the one you embrace with your personal ministry.  What a wonderful foundation for a friendship that could grow into a wonderful foundation for marriage!

If you’re frustrated with the dating options LDS singles typically pursue, expand your horizons by imagining new options that approach dating in different ways while still based in the fundamentals of what you’re trying to do.  We all have opportunities all around us, and when we embrace new and different ways of thinking, we can see more of those opportunities and then take advantage of them.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

How many of us are doing that?  How many of us are taking the action needed to improve our lives?  Again, only action produces results.  And it doesn’t matter how undesired your reality is today.  You can flip any reality into something better when you flip your focus.

Some may find that a bold claim.  If you’re engulfed in your own negative experience, you’ll rightly wonder how simply looking at something different can change anything.  But we’re talking here about focusing, not just looking.

Just because you look at something doesn’t mean you’re focused on it.  When you drive a car, for example, you’ll look ahead for the most part because that’s the direction you’re going.  But occasionally, you look in your mirrors to get a sense of what’s around you.  That’s part of safe driving.  But how safe would you be looking mostly in your rear view mirror?  You’d find driving your vehicle safely difficult if you did that.

That’s the difference between focusing and seeing.  Everyone has undesired experiences in life.  Simply looking at them won’t create a negative reality.  Only when you constantly choose to keep your vision fixed on the negative are you focused on the negative.  And a focus on the negative means a reality filled with negativity.

Changing a negative reality is as simple as choosing a positive focus.  If a negative reality results from a negative focus, then a positive reality will result from a positive focus.  But how exactly does that work?

Many think reality is the collection of what happens to you, but this perspective drives a focus on what others do or don’t do, and the resulting reality is one in which you’re disempowered to change your own life for the better.

What happens to you does play a role in shaping reality, but you play a much larger role with the meaning you assign.  You’ll get a certain result depending on your actions.  And, yes, other people play a role in determining that result.  But whatever the result, you choose what that result means.  And that meaning plays a larger role in creating your reality than what others do.

The same undesired experience can come to two different people, and you can find one in complete turmoil and the other in complete peace.  The same thing happened to both, so why don’t both have the same reality?  It’s because reality is more than just what you experience; it’s also what meaning you choose to give your experience.  And the way you assign meaning is through your focus.  You choose your focus, and thereby you choose the meaning you assign to your experiences, and thereby you choose your reality.

When you understand how it all works, the ramifications can overwhelm.  If you choose your reality, then the one ultimately responsible if you don’t like your reality is you!  That realization usually precedes one of two responses: You’ll either cower back and hide, or you’ll stand up and embrace it.

Cowering can be comfortable, but that choice disempowers you, surrendering you to a victim mentality that keeps you in the prison of always blaming others for why your life isn’t what it should be.  But your best life has you empowered with a victor mentality that liberates you.  And that’s where the harder choice to stand up and embrace the truth comes in.  To have your best life, you must stand and own it.

If you don’t like your current reality, you can flip it when you flip your focus.  Stand up, own your life, and start making intentional choices to seize your power of agency and move yourself towards your best life.  You’ll feel the empowerment that comes from taking control of your life.  You’ll feel the satisfaction that comes from making progress towards your goals.  And you’ll learn how to stay positive no matter what negative experiences come your way.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

Most people, single or married, simply accept what they're given.  They don't chase what they want.  The result is they often don't get what they want.  And not getting what they want, they end up unhappy.  They settle for a life far beneath their privileges.

It doesn't have to be that way for anyone.  And yes, anyone includes YOU!  I don't care what's happened to you or where you're from or how old you are or any of that business.  Results come from one thing and one thing only, and that's action.  Period.  Take the same actions, you get the same results.  Take different actions, you get different results.

Once you stop over-thinking it and just accept the simplicity of that truth, it's easier to see other truths, like the need to own your life.  After all, if your results come from your actions, then the only way your life gets better is with better actions.  And that means accepting responsibility for how your life results and start choosing actions that will produce the results you want.

Most don't really struggle with grasping the Law of the Harvest.  They know they need more effective actions to get more effective results.  What many struggle with are the details.  They don't know exactly what actions are the more effective ones.  "What specific actions," they ask, "do I need to take to get the specific results I want?"

If you're asking that question, understand you'll never know the answer you should have for that question if you don't get your thinking right.  Sound bonkers?  It's still completely true.  We don't just act; we're not hardwired that way.  We're biologically hardwired to play out habit.  And that means some thinking had to occur before we took any action.

Without understanding why you've chosen to act as you have in the past, you won't know what you need to choose in the future to get different results.  Understanding the connection between what you've done and what you got will help you know what changes you need in what you do to get changes in what you get.

One of my favorite scenes in the film Jack Reacher is when Jack is in Helen's office helping her understand why her client is innocent.  To open her mind to new possibilities, Jack has Helen look at people working late in a neighboring building.  He slowly steps her through seeing through new eyes what she's seen before too many times to count.  And he does it by entertaining an important philosophical question of what it truly means to be free.

True freedom exists in how you think.  Changing how you think lets you see more clearly the connections between what you've done and what you got.  You can see new possibilities for getting something different.  You can see the changes you need in yourself to embrace those possibilities.  And you can see how that future can be yours regardless of what's happened to you or where you're from or how old you are or any of that business.

Break yourself free of a life far less than the one you're capable of living.  God gave you agency so you could choose for yourself what you'll do.  Choose to learn the connections between how you think, what you do, and what you get.  Then choose to leverage that knowledge in better actions designed to yield better results.  When you consistently choose to plant and nurture seeds of more effective action, over time you'll reap a harvest of more effective results.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

Take God’s approach to the Creation, for example.  He knew what He wanted, and He took action to make it happen.  He didn’t sit around believing everything would somehow work out just because He was righteous.  He took action that brought about what He wanted.

Likewise, you can sit around and pretend the blessings you want will come simply because you’re righteous.  Or you can follow God’s example and take action to create your best life.

I love how the Creation starts the scriptural record.  That placement reinforces the metaphor that story is for creating your best life.  And anyone can follow God’s example to do just that.

God didn’t simply start creating.  He worked from a plan requiring action.  In so doing, God took responsibility for producing desired results.  And He remained resolute in executing that plan.  How is simply staying on the covenant path hoping your blessings come “when the time is right” working from an action plan?  That choice places responsibility for how your life results in God’s hands.  That’s not the example God set.

To follow God’s example, own your life.   Don’t push responsibility for the results in your life to anyone else.  You take responsibility for your results in your life.  Every result you want in life comes by obedience to its respective principle (D&C 130:20-21).  Only action produces results.  So get your action plan together and start taking action.

Many LDS singles stop here.  They just don’t know the specific actions they need to take in order to produce the result they desire.  It’s hard to have a plan when you don’t know what to put in the plan.

Again, let’s “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47).  God had helpers during the Creation.  He gave them His vision of what He wanted, and then He worked with them as they together performed the Creation.  God didn’t work alone and didn’t force anyone to do what He wanted.  Instead, He exercised His influence and respected agency.

You shouldn’t go it alone, either.  Make sure you include the right people in your action plan who’ll help you achieve your results.  Of course, the most important helper in your plan should be the Lord.  When you partner with Him, He can help you make more out of your life than you can without Him.

And there’s others you should consider.  Family, friends, and Church leaders can provide valuable support along your journey.  Especially helpful is an advocate, someone who provides counsel, support, and accountability for specific actions.  Some will trust their bishop or a ministering brother or sister with that role.  Others might look to a sibling or special friend.  Still others might find that help in Joy in the Journey Radio, and we’re here for you if that’s your choice.

Do you see how just going through the motions of being righteous and waiting for the “right time” doesn’t match how God acts?  Following His example of taking ownership, developing a plan, and then securing a team to work towards a common result will more likely produce the best life we all seek.

And yes, not everyone will be on board.  Some people will disappoint you, but let’s again look to God’s example.  He always respected agency.  He never forced anyone to help Him achieve His plan.  Instead, He chose to act in ways that would influence others positively in their choices.  You can do likewise.  As you achieve your potential by making needed changes in you, you can radiate an energy that will influence others positively in their choices.

So quit sitting on the sidelines and get in the game of life!  You’ll never score any points unless you’re on the field.  Don’t sit around pretending the blessings you want will come simply because you’re righteous.  Follow God’s example, own your life, get your plan together, and take action to create your best life.  When you take responsibility for your results and then take the right actions, you’ll get the right results.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

Early in the broadcast I got the feeling there was an elephant in the room no one was talking about.  As time progressed, it seemed participants danced around the edge of that elephant while never wanting to go so much as near it with a 50-foot pole.  And here’s all the answers they gave in just two words: more church.  For LDS singles in pain, more church is not the answer.

Don’t misunderstand.  I’m not against church.  I’m just recognizing for anything in life there’s less effective thinking and more effective thinking.  Often broadcast participants approached the more effective perspectives LDS singles need but then refused to go all in, opting instead to dance around the edges.

Here I am watching them approach a more effective perspective, cheering them on, shouting, “Yes! Yes! Now dive on in!” only to watch them sit on the dock, smile, and say, “Just stay on the covenant path.  It’ll all work out!”  It left me with the amplified mixed feelings cited earlier.

Take service, for example.  Service is great, but service alone is not the answer.  Yes, it’s true far too many singles are far too self absorbed.  Your focus determines your reality, so if you’re super focused on your problem, you’re reality will be super problematic.  When you focus on the obstacle, you create a reality of obstruction, limitation, and frustration.

Service can and should be part of the solution.  But just going through the motions doesn’t flip your focus, and that’s what’s needed to flip your reality.  The way many push service in counseling singles turns it into a bandage, and singles feeling pain want healing, not a bandage.  It’s more effective to show how service can help solve the problem.  But how do you do that when you won’t even go near the elephant in the room with a 50-foot pole?

The idea of community is another example of broadcast participants approaching a great idea and then just dancing on the edges.  I love Sister Eubank in this broadcast because she speaks from a place of experience; she’s actually living LDS singles life.  But even she seemed to stop short.

I was all giddy when early in the event Sister Eubank started talking about how she loves belonging to a community.  “Yes!” I screamed.  “Now dive in!  Talk about how we need to create and grow that sense of community!  Talk about personal ministries!”

But she didn’t dive in.  She backed off, leaving me to wonder what if any sense of community I and many other LDS singles can expect with the other LDS singles who live where we do.  Very often, that answer is none, further feeding my mixed feelings about the broadcast.

I’m not trying to tear down.  I extremely appreciate and celebrate the Church, which hasn’t done much for this specific demographic, for finally doing something more.  I just wish they’d do something more effective and not just something more.

Certainly the broadcast touched multiples times on how singles can find more joy in their journey.  But many singles won’t be helped by platitudes that simply dance around the edges of more effective thinking.  By itself, more church is not the answer.  We’ll dive deeper in the program today into all that.

The solutions we seek won’t come at the same level of thinking that produced our problems.  We need higher, more effective thinking.  Service and staying on the covenant path are certainly parts of that, but they won’t get singles far who don’t live with intention and take actions designed to encourage the results they want.

Happiness is giving your all to all the right things for you.  When you partner with the Lord, He can show you all that’s right for you and support you in giving your all to that all.  Doing that will bless your life and the lives of those you touch.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

What an appropriate background for a broadcast tailored to singles!  Many singles believe they need a miracle to move the mountains in their lives.  As I studied his address in preparation for the broadcast this weekend, I could see how very appropriate President Nelson’s remarks were for singles.  Truly, faith can move mountains no matter the challenge.

Many singles wonder how the blessings they yearn to have can ever be theirs.  I love how President Nelson’s response to that reality begins with basic principles: “Everything good in life—every potential blessing of eternal significance—begins with faith.”  Deny not the power of God, and your faith unlocks God’s power in your life.

I then really love how he goes to Alma’s discourse on faith in the Book of Mormon.  Alma doesn’t ask us to hit a home run our first time up to bat.  He simply asks us to experiment.  All he asks us to do is to try.

And you don’t need anything more than what you have right here right now.  President Nelson quotes Alma’s encouragement to “exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe” (Alma 32:27).  You don’t need the whole toolbox of perfection.  Just step forward with the portion you already have, even if that portion is simply the desire to have a portion.

And here’s the beautiful part: You don’t need to be perfect to change your life.  You have everything you need to take the next step right now towards the better life you want.  It starts when you believe that truth.  President Nelson began his remarks on faith with that very idea.  As he taught,”

The place to start is wherever you are, and you can do that today.

Isn’t that’s exactly how many singles view the challenges before them, as the tallest mountain ever?  Yet Christ can give anyone the power to scale that mountain.

That happens for you when you exercise faith in Him.  Faith is a principle of action, and that means you must do the work to get the result you want.  President Nelson acknowledged as much when he declared,

He then lists five steps to increase faith and the access it provides to God’s power.

1. Study
   
2. Believe
   
3. Act
   
4. Partake of sacred ordinances
   
5. Ask God for help
   

I’d list those five steps differently, but we talk about the same things here on Joy in the Journey Radio.  First, learn how to change your thinking to get better results.  Get grounded in the fundamentals of what you’re trying to do.  Then believe in your power to change and to move closer to the life you want.  Then put that belief into action.  Along the way, practice regular rituals to keep yourself centered on the covenant path as well as your goals.  And partner with the Lord Who can make more out of your life than you can alone.  Changing your life is simple once you understand the different pieces of the puzzle and begin putting that puzzle together.

Whatever mountain stands before you, don’t focus on the obstacle.  Look instead for the opportunity.  Stand tall seeking ways in which your growing faith — even if it’s no more than a desire to have a greater portion — can grow more.  As the Savior taught, “Seek, and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7).

Faith really can move mountains.  Nothing is impossible for the Lord, and He will grant you access to His power when you have faith in Him.  When you do, He’ll show you the changes you need to make to secure the righteous blessings you desire.  He’ll support you as you progress towards those blessings.  And one day you’ll have them every one.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

But you get to choose your identity.  You choose who and what you’ll be.  Understanding this principle is key to making positive changes in your life.  If you want to live your best life, learn how identity precedes behavior.

You always act consistent with who you think you are.  And you’ll always feel good about yourself when who you think you are is who you think you should be.

This is self esteem, how well your self image (how you see yourself) matches your self ideal (how you think you should be).  When you live up to what you think you should be, how you see yourself matches how you think you should be, yielding high self esteem.  Conversely, when you see yourself very differently than what you think you should be, your self image and your self ideal don’t match.  That mismatch creates a dissonance you feel as low self esteem.

Matches don’t require exactness.  You don’t need to see yourself exactly as you idealize yourself.  You can see yourself as mostly there and have a healthy self esteem provided you forgive yourself for coming up short.  Lacking that forgiveness leads to a rigid disposition that prevents a robust sense of mental health.  As in other areas of life, you don’t need perfect, just good enough.

Understanding these ideas sets the stage for positive change.  But to effect that change, you need to add agency into the mix.

You choose whether or not you have self-esteem.  That doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter how well your self image matches your self ideal.  That’s not the way it works.  We’re all built to operate based on the match between our self image and our self ideal.  But you can choose your self ideal.  And you can choose to bridge whatever gap exists between your self image and your self ideal.

Our culture hands us norms that we then adopt in constructing our self ideal.  For many singles, for example, that includes being married by a certain age.  If you aren’t married by then, it’s easy to get down on yourself because your self image (seeing yourself as single) doesn’t match your self ideal (you should be married by now).  Low self esteem leads to feeling worthless, and you won’t think any effort worthwhile when you see yourself as worthless.

But you can choose your self ideal, one that doesn’t necessitate being married by a certain age.  And you can choose to bridge the gap by taking action — learn the fundamentals of the dating journey and then change yourself to become more agreeable to a potential partner.

When it comes to bridging the gap, Christ is the ultimate bridge builder.  His Atonement allows all to cross the chasm between how we see ourselves in mortality and what we can be in the eternities.  Christ can help you achieve your greatest potential.

He does this by transforming you inside, effectively changing your identity.  He lifts your vision towards a higher standard and provides strength to lift your performance to match that standard.  In essence, he changes your self image to match a higher self ideal.

In contrast, the world would have us lower our standards to match lower performance.  Rejecting covenant living may appease the natural man and woman, but only covenant living yields the fulfillment of eternal growth.  Settling for low performance always invites a medium of mediocrity.  Christ wants to raise us out of that mire into a more glorious state of being.

We all want positive change in life, but you won’t act inconsistent with how you see yourself.  Identity precedes behavior.  So partner with the Lord and let Him lift your self image to eternal heights and strengthen you to do the daily tasks your positive change requires.  Laying your daily brick will eventually result in the very fine structure that is your best life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

The rest and renewal you need won’t come to you on its own.  You need to own your life and make what you need happen.  That’s why every so often it’s good to separate yourself from your usual world and bask in the beauty of the world God gave you.

Of course, the first thing that pops into the head of most people when I say that is nature.  And yes, the natural world God created is filled with beauty.  I for one am always moved by the majestic sight of real mountains.  For me they represent so much strength I feel more confident and secure just being around them.

There’s also something refreshing in separating yourself from the artificial world people created and reconnecting yourself with the natural world God created.  For some reason I just find it easier to get grounded when I immerse myself for a time in nature.  There’s an extra renewal I gain when I reconnect with what’s most important while surrounded in natural beauty.

That’s why for the past few years I’ve held a tradition called Retreat.  Every May I plan a day for being out in nature to meditate and write.  The meditation helps me clear away everything not directly connected with the essence of my character, my true identity, and my purpose.  Writing serves as an additional filter to clear away the bad.  But writing also provides cement to solidify the good in place and fortify me to return to the artificial world renewed and ready to face the challenges that await.

Of course, you don’t need to go into the woods on a special trip to reconnect with the essential.  With enough intent, you can do that anywhere.  And you should be getting that every week with the Sabbath.

I’ve often pondered on the words of the Lord to Moses: “...for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed” (Exodus 31:17).  That final word refreshed has always caught my attention.  The Sabbath should leave me feeling refreshed.  I’ve come to learn that if I don’t feel refreshed from my Sabbath day, then I’m probably not keeping it very well.

And I find that’s more of a challenge as life goes on.  My calling keeps me busy, and often I find so much needing my attention on Sundays I wonder if the day of rest isn’t a misnomer.  But I’ve also found when I devote myself with intention to keep the Sabbath day, I do feel refreshed.  I feel renewed and ready to tackle the challenges of another grinding week.  There’s something very beautiful in that, and I can bask in that beauty every week.

There’s other beauty we can bask in regularly.  For example, raising children alone challenges many single mothers, but I’ve heard many talk about moments when they realize how blessed they are to have their children.  That’s beauty to bask in.

I could go on with other examples, but I think you get the point.  We all have challenges in our lives, things we would rather do without.  But we all also have great blessings, things we wouldn’t dream of not having.  Whatever those blessings are, those tender mercies from the Lord are there to make your life more beautiful.

When you open your eyes to see the wonder all around you, you open yourself to wonderful possibilities of joy along your road in life.  And you open the door to many more blessings God wants to give you if you will but open yourself to Him.  So bask in the beauty you have all around you.  Own your life and fill yourself with the refreshment and renewal you need.  You’ll refresh yourself in the blessings you have around you.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

From the original Greek, a mote is a small piece of wood like a chip or splinter, but a beam is like a much larger structural member used to construct a house.  The contrast here has been applied differently but always with a play on the vast difference in perspective represented by the different size of the mote and the beam.  When applied to dating, that contrast enlightens how LDS singles can improve their dating lives.  It’s all in the lesson of the mote and the beam.

The Savior is talking here about judgment because in the previous two verses He encourages judging righteously.  And it’s a pretty simple analogy.  How do we condemn others in righteousness when we ourselves are so grossly lack righteousness?

Often we judge small imperfections in others as huge monumental issues.  But if we look inside ourselves, we’ve got issues that truly are monumental, just as a beam is monumentally larger than a mote.  “For all have sinned,” the apostle Paul declared, “and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

I know for my own self I’ve never claimed to be anything but a walking construction zone with more imperfections than Swiss cheese has holes.  So who am I to judge others for falling short when I myself am so lacking?

And that’s the point.  It’s not about refraining from making any judgments at all; it’s about recognizing how we’re all flawed and then allowing that recognition to lead us into empathy and compassion in viewing others.  Our intention turns from condemning them for their imperfections to considering how we can help them improve.

The application to dating should be obvious.  When evaluating potential dates, too often singles reject candidates based on imperfections when they themselves are certainly not paragons of perfection.

Singles often assessing those imperfections, however tiny, as monumental disqualifications.  They focus so much on having perfect they forgo the joy they could have if only they accepted good enough.  And as we’ve discussed before, you can have maximum joy with someone who’s just good enough if both of you give your all to each other.

That typically isn’t what happens, though.  Singles use whatever standards they have as a litmus test in which no imperfection is tolerated.  And since so many of us are wildly imperfect, no one passes the test, which leaves singles stuck asking where all the “good” candidates are and wondering why they can’t progress in their dating journey.

What’s the solution here?  The Savior advised us to take the beam out of our own eye first, and then we’ll see clearly to remove the mote in another’s eye.  Applied to dating that advice becomes this: Look to accept and improve yourself first, and then you’ll be better able to accept and improve a potentially good dating partner.

Instead of discarding potential candidates with their imperfections, singles should ask how they can help them to discard those imperfections.  The key here is assessing direction.  You need to allow and encourage potential partners to show they’re aligning their lives with the direction you want for your life.  If they demonstrate that willingness, you should investigate further rather than summarily rejecting them for their imperfections.

I’m not suggesting we’re interchangeable parts or that there aren’t acceptable reasons for rejecting a dating candidate.  What I am suggesting is that we need to be more accepting of imperfection in others, especially since each of us is bereft with imperfection.  The perfect partner for you is the imperfect one who’ll help you become perfect and who you in turn help to perfect.

So take in the lesson of the mote and the beam.  It may be hard at first, but you just might be surprised at how perfect for you some of those you previously judged as too imperfect actually are.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

And yes, I said singles should ask that question of themselves.  Your focus determines your reality, so if you don’t like your reality, take a look at your focus.  Making that change on the inside can make all the difference in your world on the outside.

And because we’re all designed to operate out of habit, whatever focus we do have we’ll continue to use over and over again.  That’s great if your focus creates a reality you want and not so great if your focus creates a reality you don’t want.

But it all starts within, so to change your reality on the outside, change your focus on the inside.  If your focus in dating is all about you and what someone else is going to bring you, then you’ll likely attract only those with a similar focus.  And the only reason they’ll want you is more because of what they think they can get from you and not so much with who you really are.

It’s little wonder we think this way.  Modern dating has an increasingly online component, so much so that we bring to dating the same thinking — the assumptions, perspectives, attitudes, and habits — that comprise our online life in other aspects.  And pretty much everyone spends a substantial proportion of that life online shopping.

The Internet makes getting pretty much whatever you want so very easy.  You look around at options from different offerings, compare prices, read and weigh reviews, and make a purchase.  A couple or so days later, your order arrives right at your door.  There’s no need to go anywhere.  And if what you get isn’t really what you want, you get rid of it.

We do the same thing with dating.  We swipe past photos of potential candidates who aren’t cream of the crop, filter profile details, and maybe read what others write.  We’d never reach out to a company offering an inferior product; we simply wouldn’t buy.  So why would we even think about talking to a dating candidate offering what appears to be an inferior candidacy?  The “right” one will arrive on our door in a timely manner and just lift us into bliss, because isn’t that what happens when your relationship is really right?

Are you catching the focus in this common approach?  It treats people like things, which of course trips us up because people are not things.  But it’s also all about what you get.  And that’s completely backwards because happiness in marriage is more about what you give than what you get.

Long time audience members will know I define happiness as giving your all to all the right things for you.  Notice there’s no getting in that definition.  It’s all about what you give, and it’s giving all of you to all that’s right for you.  Certainly your spouse counts as one of those right things.

Now I’m not suggesting we’re all interchangeable parts who can just marry anyone and be blissfully happy based entirely on what we give.  The relationship we’re talking about here is a two-way street; it can’t be all give and no get, for either partner.  But too often we focus so much on the getting that we ignore the more major contribution of the giving.

So instead of asking, “What will this person bring?” when evaluating a dating prospect, ask yourself, “What will you bring?”  When you focus on getting good with you on the inside and making the changes to make you the best you you can be, in that process you’ll cross paths with someone who’ll want to share the life you’re creating, a life in which you each give to each other the best you each have to give.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.