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Men & women need each other

1/26/2022

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A woman celebrating her “freedom” after having given up on dating declared, “I don’t need a man.”  I disagree, honey.
In the most recent episode of The World of TED, I promised some further response to a comment discussed in the episode.  A woman celebrating her “freedom” after having given up on dating declared, “I don’t need a man.”  I disagree, honey.

I disagree not because I’m a blind follower of some standard line.  It’s not because I want to oppress women.  I simply disagree because of my perspective.

Modern feminism has been proclaiming the lie that women don’t need men since the 1960s.  It didn’t start there, of course, but women who today believe modern feminists are the heirs of this most recent incarnation of the idea.  Yet I disagree with that idea because as I see it men and women need each other.

Understand the two logics

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We all process our world and our place in that world with the way we think.  Understanding how men and women naturally think can then help us understand why men and women can’t really do without each other.

To the surprise of many men, men and women are both logical.  Women are biologically hardwired with emotional logic.  They process their experiences in terms of how they feel.  Men, on the other hand, are biologically hardwired with intellectual logic.  They process their experiences in terms of how rational they are.  Women naturally think with emotion, whereas men naturally think with rationale.

Thus, the same event often elicits completely different responses from men and women.  Take ghosting, for example.  A man goes out several times with the same woman who then suddenly goes completely AWOL.  The man’s bewildered because, using intellectual logic, it’s rational to expect a continuation of what’s already happened several times.  It doesn’t make intellectual sense for the woman to disappear.

But it could make emotional sense.  If she doesn’t feel what she wants to feel from the relationship, the woman has no natural motivation to continue it.  And since those often unpleasant conversations introduce undesired feelings, from an emotional logic standpoint, it makes perfect sense to avoid it, hence the disappearing act.

Embrace complements in life

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Once we understand how they naturally think, it’s easier to understand why men and women need each other.  It’s also easier to understand why modern feminism’s lie is just that — a lie.

I presume the woman whose comment inspired this episode was frustrated with dating because she doesn’t understand the fundamentals of what’s she’s trying to do.  Very few of us do when it comes to dating — that’s why I wrote a book about it.  Frustration feels negative, so it makes emotional sense for the woman to retract.  She then believes the lie she doesn’t need a man, swears off dating, and feels “liberated.”  That positive emotion naturally motivates a woman to embrace that direction and even think it’s the “right” one.

Only it’s not.  Truly holistic intelligence is both intellectual and emotional.  Truth makes sense to both components of intelligence, not just one.  And this is why men and women need each other.  Men best learn emotional intelligence with the help of women.  Women best learn intellectual intelligence with the help of men.  Only together do men and women best learn their naturally missing complement and become truly whole.

Enjoy your dating more

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Of course, men can be emotional and women can be intellectual.  I’m simply stating the natural hardwiring inherent in our biology.  And understanding that inherent biology can improve our dating journey.  Dating frustrates many LDS singles who use the logic they inherently have instead of its complement.  An approach grounded in the logic of the intended audience can bring better results.

For example, some women get frustrated when men don’t seem impressed with their extra education.  Status means quite a bit to the natural woman because of how it makes her feel.  But it doesn’t mean anything to the natural man because it’s not rational to take care of a woman who can clearly take care of herself.

I’m not saying women shouldn’t be educated.  I’m simply saying approaches that consider the intended audience tend to bring better results than those that don’t.

In the end, men and women need each other.  Only with the help of the other can we each become more whole.  So stop thinking solely in terms of your naturally endowed component of intelligence.  Include in your life those of the opposite gender who can help you.  When you open your thinking to embrace the complementary component, you’ll grow in your understanding of your life experiences.  You’ll become more accepting of past failures and more resilient to future potential emotional disasters.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Like it’s your birthday

1/19/2022

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. . . you can keep that optimism when you treat every day like it’s your birthday.
Recently I encountered a serious obstacle in my PhD program.  My advisor has informed me he no longer wants to be my advisor.  He wants to see more results than I’m providing, and he doesn’t believe they’ll come.  Rather than help me improve, he’d rather pass me off to some other professor.  Then I’ll be someone else’s “problem.”

Personally, I’m not convinced he appreciates the learning challenges of an older student.  I just don’t have the bandwidth I used to have.  It takes me longer to complete assignments and prepare properly for exams in order to score well.  And that extra time spent there combined with the time spent earning the money to pay rent means less time procuring all the results my advisor wants to see but hasn’t.
That vote of no confidence really punched me in the gut.  Initially I was in a daze, uncertain of my path forward.  But as time lifted that fog, I began to gain some clarity and regain some perspective.  If you feel that way, know that all is not lost.  There’s always hope because there’s always Christ.  That hope says you can change for the better.  And you can keep that optimism when you treat every day like it’s your birthday.

Live like a kid

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At my age, birthdays just don’t seem as special to me as they did when I was a kid.  I’ve been there, done that, got the shirt and the hat, plus I chair the membership committee.  (Would you like to join?  We have jackets!)

And that’s part of the problem.  Something about becoming an adult sacrifices that childhood perspective of optimism and possibility on the altar of pessimistic reality.  We’re more prone to point out barriers to justify why we won’t or can’t achieve than to believe that achievement is possible and look for a way to overcome the obstacle.

We also lose the joy of childhood.  The adult perspective is so often serious.  Kids naturally approach their day looking for fun.  They don’t worry much beyond the present; they live in the moment.  Certainly there are times when we need to buckle down and do some serious work.  But we could all benefit from introducing an element of fun into what we do and living in the moment.

That’s what birthdays are all about for kids.  They get absorbed in enjoying the moment.  If we lived life like a kid, maybe some of our obstacles would disappear because our overly serious perspective that created them would be gone.

Treat each day special

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Treating every day like it’s your birthday also recognizes the special gift each day really is.  Too often we go through our days playing out habits that carry us from one moment to the next.  And that lull of life lacks the joy each day can and does bring.

That’s why a life on autopilot will never lead you to your best life.  There’s nothing to savor in simply going through the motions.  Very often, we go through those motions without any awareness of what we’re doing.  That’s how we’re biologically hardwired to operate.

Treating every day like it’s your birthday breaks you out of that mold.  Because it’s not something you normally do, it doesn’t conform to routine or habit, which takes what you do out of the shadows and into the light of awareness.  Being fully aware of what you’re doing does two things: (1) It opens you to the joy to be found in each moment of living, and (2) it increases your sensitivity to possibilities, allowing for creativity in finding solutions to overcome obstacles.

Overcome your current challenges

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Applying these ideas to my current challenge, I can see a path ahead.  I need to find someone knowledgeable I can trust to give me objective counsel and help me construct a plan going forward.  And strangely I feel excited about that.

Treating today like it’s my birthday brought me there.  I’m looking for the joy instead of wallowing in the mire of misery.  I’m embracing optimism in a brighter future that I can forge.  I’m opening myself to the hope that always is because Christ always is.  I’m tempering the responsibilities of adulthood with the perspectives of childhood.

So treat every day like it’s your birthday.  You’ll invite yourself to open more to possibility.  You’ll do more to take care of yourself.  You’ll experience more creativity as you embrace more optimism.  And you’ll live your life more hopeful of the future that has you living your best life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Stop, turn, and act

1/12/2022

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. . . my unintentional detour away from my intended purpose actually achieved the intended purpose.
The last episode of Joy in the Journey Radio took a turn I didn’t anticipate.  I thought the theme of letting Christ author your story would focus the program on partnering with the Lord in creating new goals.  And I started with that intention.

But it very quickly morphed into something else entirely — the need to let Christ author the story of your dating journey.  I didn’t intend for it to go that way, but looking back I can see that, like Nephi, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do” (1 Nephi 4:6).

And that got me thinking.  What other lessons can I learn from this event?  For starters, I see with added clarity the direction Joy in the Journey Radio needs to take.  I also see how my unintentional detour away from my intended purpose actually achieved the intended purpose.  And it all came about because I was willing to stop, turn, and act.

Stop

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The changes we’re all looking for in our lives are just that — changes.  Nothing in your life will change until you change.  That means you need to stop doing what you’re doing so you can do something different.

Stopping is the first meaningful step in meaningful change.  Even if you do nothing more than stop to question whether or not you’re moving the right direction, you’ll never change if you keep doing the same thing over and over.

Yet that’s what most people do.  They say they want a different life, but then they keep doing the same things over and over.  And because they keep doing the same things over and over, they keep getting the same results over and over.  Their autopilot lives keep them in a state of limbo equilibrium.  And they’ll continue to play out that cycle until they stop.

Turn

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Direction determines destination, so once you’ve stopped taking your life in an undesired direction, you need to turn and adjust your course in a desired direction.  That may sound simplistic, but it isn’t.

And here’s why.  How do you know what direction will lead to the best destination?  More times than not, you won’t.  This is where partnering with the Lord comes in.  It’s also where I learned how deviating from your intended purpose could actually lead you to achieve it.  Sometimes we need to give up what we think is best for us in order to take what really is best for us.

The last episode is a case in point.  I thought the best direction to take the program was seeking direction from the Lord when setting goals.  That’s not bad.  But neither was it best.  The best direction was the one the program took.  We need to accept direction from the Lord in our dating journey, especially when it comes to deciding who we date.  And we need to embrace the Lord’s direction to date those who, left to our own devices, we’d rather not date.

We need to do the same thing in our lives.  Once we stop doing what we’ve been doing, we need to turn to the Lord with a willingness to go in whatever direction He’ll lead us, even if that direction appears to take us away from the destination we want.  I stress the word appears because that’s what it often is — an appearance, an illusion.  If the direction comes from the Lord, how could it not ultimately lead us to the best destination, the one where we’ll be the happiest we could possibly be?

Act

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Once we get that direction from the Lord, all that remains is execution.  We’ll never get to any destination unless we take the steps that lead there.  Results in any endeavor come from one thing and one thing only, and that is action.

The results you get are also commensurate with the action you take.  No results comes from taking no action.  Poor results come from taking poor action.  Good results come from taking good action.  To arrive at the best destination, you need to take the action that will take you there.  That action most likely follows this sequence: Stop what you’re doing, turn to the Lord, and act under His direction.  Partner with Him for your life.

Consider the changes you want in your life, changes you’ve tried to make but continually escape you time and time again.  Then stop, turn, and act.  When you partner with the Lord, you’ll find yourself making more progress towards your best life.  And you’ll find yourself growing as you learn what your best life really is.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio channel on YouTube or Rumble.
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Let Christ author your story

1/5/2022

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. . . no goal will be as meaningful if you don’t let Christ author your story.
I hope our examination last week of Elder Dunn’s Conference address entitled “One Percent Better” helped you improve your goal making in preparation for the new year.  My experience after applying what we discussed is overwhelmingly positive.  I feel I’ve indeed taken my goal making for the new year to the next level.

But then I began to feel something was missing.  As I explored that feeling more deeply, I found myself returning back to Conference and finding the answer provided by Sister Camille N. Johnson.

Her address entitled “Invite Christ to Author Your Story” brilliantly tied together the Prophet’s counsel to let God prevail in our lives with a longstanding theme of Joy in the Journey Radio — partner with the Lord.  Making better goals and adopting a better perspective for achieving them is great, but no goal will be as meaningful if you don’t let Christ author your story.

Write your best story

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Our reality is simply the combination of our results in life and the meaning we ascribe to them.  A story is essentially a description of that reality.  Stories are how we make sense out of life.  That’s why we all have a story.

And that’s why, when your life starts going off plot, it’s natural to freak out.  The story you’ve been using to make sense of your life doesn’t match reality. “Wait a minute!” some cry.  “I’m supposed to be married by now.  This isn’t how my story is supposed to go!”  Or maybe you weren’t supposed to get married to a “consolation prize.”  Or maybe you weren’t supposed to get divorced.  Or maybe your spouse wasn’t supposed to die so soon.  There’s endless ways to detail the difference between the story you’ve been using and the one you’re experiencing.

But Christ can make up the difference because He is the difference.  Your goals determine your direction, and direction determines destination.  How can you embrace the best destination unless you embrace He Who is the only Way to that best destination?  Sister Johnson acknowledged that truth as she began her remarks with an invitation:


I begin by posing several questions, meant for self-reflection:
  • What kind of personal narrative are you writing for your life?
  • Is the path you describe in your story straight?
  • Does your story end where it began, at your heavenly home?
  • Is there an exemplar in your story—and is it the Savior Jesus Christ?
I testify that the Savior is “the author and finisher of our faith.” Will you invite Him to be the author and finisher of your story?

He knows the beginning from the end. He was the Creator of heaven and earth. He wants us to return home to Him and our Heavenly Father. He has everything invested in us and wants us to succeed.
Partnering with the Lord is the only way to your best life on both sides of the veil.  You simply can’t write your best story without Him.

Understand why you hesitate

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As simple as that answer is, it isn’t easy.  Partnering with the Lord often means surrendering your will to His.  And the natural man and woman are nothing if not unwilling to be ruled.

Combine that truth with our biological hardwiring to resist change, especially uncomfortable change, and you’ve got obstacles to becoming your best self before you even begin.  Sooner or later, we’ll all sense that accepting His will instead of our own will mean accepting some uncomfortable outcome, deviating the story of our life away from the story we’ve told ourselves is the one that’s supposed to be.

This is essentially why we hesitate to turn our story over to Christ.  Sister Johnson said as much in her remarks:


Perhaps it is because we don’t have the faith to accept the answer we might receive. Perhaps it is because the natural man or woman in us is resistant to turning things completely over to the Lord and trusting Him entirely. Maybe that is why we choose to stick with the narrative we have written for ourselves, a comfortable version of our story unedited by the Master Author. We don’t want to ask a question and get an answer that doesn’t fit neatly into the story we are writing for ourselves.

Frankly, few of us would probably write into our stories the trials that refine us. But don’t we love the glorious culmination of a story we read when the protagonist overcomes the struggle? Trials are the elements of the plot that make our favorite stories compelling, timeless, faith promoting, and worthy of telling. The beautiful struggles written into our stories are what draw us closer to the Savior and refine us, making us more like Him.

Christ knows you and your potential so well He will guide you to what will help shape you into your best self, and He won’t allow anything to come into your life that you can’t leverage for that end.  Sister Johnson confirmed these truths when she taught,

Why do we want the Savior to be the author and the finisher of our stories? Because He knows our potential perfectly, He will take us to places we never imagined ourselves. He may make us a David or an Esther. He will stretch us and refine us to be more like Him. The things we will achieve as we act with more faith will increase our faith in Jesus Christ.

Brothers and sisters, just one year ago our dear prophet asked: “Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? … Are you willing to let whatever He needs you to do take precedence over every other ambition?” I humbly add to those prophetic inquiries: “Will you let God be the author and finisher of your story?”

Embrace your best story

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So it really comes down to this: Are you willing to let Christ write a story for your life far better than any you could write on your own?  You can stay in your comfortable hovel believing in your own story and denying any deviations life will always eventually present.  Or you can embrace the discomfort that will lead you to your best life by letting Him prevail in your life.

The truth is we don’t know everything we think we do.  As discomforting as a turn in your story might seem, if that turn comes from Christ, embracing it will turn you more into your best self and your life more into your best life.  As Nephi taught, “He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him” (2 Nephi 26:24).

Let Christ author your story.  Partner with Him, and He’ll make more out of your life than you ever can on your own.  Whatever discomfort you experience from so doing will turn around to your gain.  When that day comes, you’ll look back on your decision to let Him prevail with gratitude.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

You can listen to the monologue for this episode of Joy In The Journey Radio for free by using the player here.  Feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment. Find out how to listen to all of this episode of Joy in the Journey Radio (as well as other full episodes) by going to the show page for this episode!  Alternatively, you can watch a clip from the full episode on the Joy in the Journey Radio YouTube channel.
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    Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have  more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.

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