It’s no secret that I love Christmas. What’s not to love? There’s a general feeling of good will that pervades everything. There’s time with friends and family. There’s all the holiday goodies that aren’t so great for the waistline but wonderful for taste buds. There’s the lights that turn ordinary neighborhoods into works of electric art at night. And of course, there’s the real reason for the season. There’s the opportunity to renew our discipleship by following Him more fully. There’s His peace that we can feel in our hearts. There’s His light that we can share with others. Yet for some, Christmas is simply about tradition. They enjoy friends, family, good food, and all the external trappings of the season. They may even include something spiritual in their holiday habit. But they don’t really feel the season because they’re on autopilot. They just go through the motions. Once the season is over, they return to whatever lives they had before. Seeing these people got me thinking. Do I just go through the motions of the holiday season, or do I allow the miracle that is Christ to change my heart? You gotta choose it Sometimes I catch myself going through the motions. It’s not that hard to do. After all, we’re designed to have habits and play them out without thinking about what we’re doing. But the truly fulfilled life comes only with discipline in constantly making conscious choices. We must choose consciously what we say and do. And we can’t just choose anything if we want to maximize our joy in life. We must choose Christ. This is admittedly not the easiest task to accomplish. We are after all designed to operate out of habit. That’s why it’s more productive to leverage our natural design than to fight against it. We need to adopt the habit of not living by habit. One way to do this is by participating in the Church’s Light the World campaign. We could also make our own calendar with actions that we choose for ourselves. Or we could go through each day of the Christmas season just looking for opportunities to share goodness. We don’t necessarily need a set plan; just an openness to whatever opportunities cross our path and a willingness to take advantage of them. You gotta feel it Christmas is especially appropriate for random acts of goodness. That’s what I love about this time of year. It shakes me out of my usual year-long doldrums and gets me introspective. Am I really feeling the reality of Christ within me? Or am I just on autopilot? That is the ultimate test for me. If I’m not really feeling it inside, then it’s not really working for me. And that begs the obvious question: Why do it? I want real. And for me, real isn’t life on autopilot. Real is life with flavor created by consciously chosen experience. I can surround myself with the real reason for the season and maybe get something out of that. Or I can consciously choose to surrender myself to Him and certainly get everything out of that. That’s life you can feel, not just a bare existence. So whenever I realize I’m not feeling it, that’s a red flag alerting me to choose differently. I need to break my habit of living on autopilot and embrace the habit of not living by habit. You gotta live it Living life by conscious choice creates awareness of the joy already around us. Living life on autopilot removes that awareness. All you need for life on autopilot is to follow a habit without thinking about it. It’s the awareness that makes all the difference. Again, that’s what I love about Christmas. It provides enough newness to shake me free of the same old same-old that bogs me down. It reminds me of my need for awareness. Once I become aware of myself, it’s easier to live by conscious choice. And living by conscious choice results in the realization that the joy of the season is around us all year long. We simply need eyes to see. Seeing that joy makes it easier to feel. Feeling that joy makes life delicious and truly sweet. That’s the miracle Christ makes possible for us all. He saves us not just in the next life but in this one as well. It’s a reality you can have when you consciously choose Him. Christ truly is the real reason for the season. Are we engaging our yearly traditions on autopilot? Or are we consciously choosing Christ and allowing His miracle to save us? Consciously choosing to keep Christ in the heart is the best way to savor the season. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
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The Christmas season is now in full swing upon us once again. It’s time once more for yuletide cheer and merriment. This is my favorite time of year. Of course, along with the traditions we each practice with the season, we should always remember the reason for the season. Good thoughts and deeds are always appropriate and even more so as we remember He who gave us the best example of good thoughts and deeds. It was He who taught “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). To that end, last year the Church promoted a campaign aimed at sharing the light we have with everyone around us during the Christmas season. Appropriately, it was called Light the World. This year the Church has renewed that campaign. And I can’t think of a more appropriate way to celebrate the real reason for the season. Learn it As it did last year, Light the World focuses on individual action. The Church provides leadership in the form of short videos explaining ways to light the world during each of the 25 days of Christmas. These videos and the corresponding calendar show how we can individually light the world. I just love this bare-bones campaign. It fosters an effort that depends upon us for success. And that encourages us to live the gospel — really live it by putting it into action. The Master taught, “Ye shall know them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:16). Our actions tell everyone who we really are. For what will we be known? Will those around us know us for the goodness we have? How can that happen if we don’t share the goodness we have? Lighting the world will also light our world. Only by putting the gospel into action by living it will we ever know how real it really is. Only by setting that example can we light the way for others to know that for themselves as well. Love it I love the gospel more when I live to set that good example. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know God is good and will bless us abundantly. That goodness is easier both to see and to feel when we actively participate in spreading that love to others. People don’t light candles to hide them but rather to provide light so all may see (Matthew 5:15). In like manner, we should freely bring goodness into the world so that others can see and feel the love of God in their lives. When we do, we can’t help but love our lives more. Just like last year, the Church has provided help with their Light the World calendar. Each day has suggestions of ways to spread goodness and thereby light the world. In addition, we can adopt our own ideas for action. I’ve discussed previously my tradition of closing out the year by studying the Sermon on the Mount. I’ve felt love in my heart grow as I’ve taken daily action in response to my Sermon on the Mount study. Most of my actions have been small in nature, but the added light I feel inside of me has been substantial. How can any honest soul not love that? Live it That seems to be at least some of the intention behind Light the World, and I love it. We make the gospel more real by actually living it. And anyone who has read my posts since 2014 knows I’m all about real. Of course, that reality doesn’t have to stop with the coming of Christmas Day, nor should it. We can feel God’s love every day by continuing to share that love with others every day. The Church’s Light the World calendar is a great aid during the 25 days leading to Christmas, but what’s to stop any of us from making our own calendar for every day of December and any other month of the year? Only ourselves. It’s only by living true principles that we come to feel their reality in our lives. It’s only by giving love to others that we can feel the full extent of love in our own lives. We can choose for ourselves what light we will give to others. When we live true to that conviction to bring goodness into the world every day, we’ll have more joy in our journey.
Lately we’ve been discussing the challenges of LDS dating. We can more easily overcome these challenges when we understand the different stages of the journey (for example, that there are two kinds of dating), when we choose to be where we are, when we apply dating standards and not marriage standards to dates, and when we respectfully tell the truth despite what others think of us. Yet even after embracing all of these concepts, dating can still feel like an emotional roller coaster. That’s just how it is. You can’t have great reward without encountering great risk. And sometimes that will leave your heart in pieces. That’s why we all need a personal circle, a group of people who sincerely care about us and will support us when we need it. I’ve written before about the need for singles groups to forsake the activity club, reject the dating forum, and become a support network. I’ve also discussed how stakes and wards can play a larger role in supporting LDS singles. I still believe in all that. I also believe you shouldn’t wait for others to fill needs you have today. Own your life. Find your own personal circle. And when you hold the family and friends you need a little closer, you’ll find angels have joined in for a group hug. Know who’s in As disciples of Christ, we should always seek to help those around us. But that doesn’t mean we need to develop a deep friendship with everyone around us. Partnering with the Lord can help you know who should be what in your life. Because we gain our sense of normal from those around us, we need to be very cautious about who we admit into our personal circle. That’s where partnering with the Lord can help. He knows the influence we need to live our best life. He also knows who can best exert that influence upon us. Just as important as including the right people in your personal circle is excluding the wrong people. And sometimes you’ll be related to them. Excluding people from your personal circle doesn’t mean turning your back on them forever. It just means being very cautious about what time you do spend with them. Deposit love Once we know who’s in our personal circle, we should make regular deposits into their emotional bank accounts. We should never take these people for granted. And yet, too often we do. I recall being at home for the holidays towards the conclusion of my graduate school program. My relationship with my major professor had deteriorated substantially. I knew I’d be charged for another semester unless I could complete my thesis and successfully defend it before the new semester started. As we knelt in prayer before my return to campus, my mother pled with the Lord to help me finish my program. I didn’t think much about that at the time. But not long after returning, my deteriorated relationship with my major professor worsened to a breaking point. As I walked towards my major professor’s office to quit, the memory of my mother praying for me filled my mind. I suddenly felt a strengthened resolve to keep going. I finished my degree program soon thereafter. In the years since, that advanced degree has greatly blessed my life financially, occupationally, and socially. I have friends I wouldn’t otherwise have. And it’s all due to my mother’s prayer. Clearly my mother is inside my personal circle, and I make regular deposits into her emotional bank account. Find the means Of course, we can’t deposit love in others’ emotional bank accounts without the means to do so. Determine what means you need so you can maintain those important relationships inside your personal circle. Sometimes that means sacrifice. I could just text or call my mother, but I always make time to visit her in person. Sometimes being with her in person is itself the emotional deposit. Some have argued I should move on with my life. I don’t entirely disagree with that. But I don’t want to forfeit the opportunity to make more memories with my mother while she’s still cogent. Forsaking those opportunities will bring me regret for the rest of my life. I’d rather not live with that. Make the changes you need to make to have the personal circle you need to have. Then make regular deposits into the emotional bank accounts of each one in your circle. When you hold the people you love a little closer, you will find angels have joined in for a group hug. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
Lots of things in life come in pairs, especially food. Apples and oranges. Peanut butter and jelly. Biscuits and gravy. Bacon and eggs. Grilled ham and cheese. On that note, my favorite pair is probably vanilla and chocolate. Yeah, in true Brigham Young tradition, we’re talking ice cream. Of course, there’s more flavors of ice cream. But these two staples provide the foundation for the rest of the ice cream pantheon. As good as many other flavors are, it’s hard to appreciate fully other flavors without the two foundational flavors vanilla and chocolate. In like manner, dating has two foundational “flavors.” And you can’t appreciate fully what dating is or how it’s done without the foundation. Last week I described how dating is easy when you understand the fundamentals. Understanding the two “flavors” of dating is one of those fundamentals. After all, how can you successfully navigate the terrain when you don’t have clear markers along your path? And no, the two “flavors” aren’t celestial dating and worldly dating. I’m talking about casual dating and committed dating. Keep the start casual Too many LDS singles place too much commitment at the start of the journey. They treat an invitation to go out like a marriage proposal. And the confusion they create obstructs their journey towards an essential ordinance. Casual dating is just that — casual — so the commitment level is really low. Once the date ends, so does any commitment. And a date is just an agreement to participate in a specified activity at a specified time with a specified person. What would happen if all LDS singles approached casual dating for the casual activity it is? There would be a lot more dating and a lot more fun. Yes, dating leads to marriage. But filtering every dating decision through that lense places high levels of seriousness at the start of the journey that make it hard both to be ourselves and to enjoy the ride. We need stage-specific filters for our journey. Good decisions usually require good data. It’s easier to differentiate when you can make good comparisons. That’s why casual dating is so important. If singles give each other the liberty to date other people early in the journey, they can get the data they need to make their best decisions regarding committed dating. Commit to inquire well The transition between any two consecutive stages of the dating journey is an agreement. When you agree to date one person who in turn agrees to date only you, you’ve left casual dating and entered committed dating. In contrast with casual dating, where all commitment ends with the date activity, in committed dating you’ve made a commitment that extends beyond any one date activity. Casual dating is about narrowing your field of options down to one. It involves multiple experiences with multiple people in order to identify which one you most want to know better. But committed dating is about evaluating the one option you’ve selected for the role of spouse and parent. Committed dating is about having multiple experiences with just one person in order to identify whether you want to share lives with that one person. You’ll share your life with your spouse who will in turn share his or her life with you. Committed dating is a time for deep questioning. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught, “If you want to marry well, inquire well.” Committed dating is the time for that inquiry. Is this person traveling in an agreeable direction? Will this person’s priorities support who you want to become? Be where you are Dating is easier and more fun once you understand the terrain of each stage of the journey. That understanding allows you to practice this dating fundamental: Be in the place where you are. If you’re in the early part of the journey, don’t act like there’s some huge commitment with what you do. There’s no huge commitment in the early stages. Likewise, if you’re in the later part of the journey, you should act in accordance with the higher level of commitments found there. When everyone has the same map that matches the terrain of the journey, there’s no need for DTR. We know exactly where we are because we know what agreements we have and haven’t made. And we know what next step we need to take to progress in our journey. We also free ourselves from worry over what someone else will think or feel. We can just be ourselves and enjoy the experience dating should provide. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
Recently I’ve reflected on everything I’ve done since all this started on 12/12/12. I’ve come a long way. The road behind me is filled with accomplishment, much of which I simply didn’t envision back in 2012. I can’t say all of my blog posts have been classics, but I do have a post for every week since the start of 2014. That’s almost 3 ½ years of weekly posts, most of which have no comments. I said back then I wasn’t doing any of this for acclaim, and that’s still true today. All I’ve ever wanted was real. You don’t need the attention of others to get real. That post at the start of 2014 is definitely a classic. I’ve produced a few more along the way. One that keeps coming back to me reminisced about a older friend who lives in Seattle. We conversed 90 minutes about love, concluding no one can really define what love is. We know when it’s there and when it’s not because we can feel it. But it’s impossible to define exactly what love is. Love means sacrifice That conversation transformed me. It’s since led me to ponder this question: What does it mean to love someone? Before that conversation, I thought I knew. Since then, I’m not completely sure I do know. Part of the answer surely lies in sacrifice, forgoing your own desires to help others fulfill theirs. It’s been almost four years since Tashi died, but I still think about her and how my heart broke. Even a blind man can see I loved that cat. But why? When I first adopted her, Tashi had tremendous trouble eating properly. Every time I fed her, she would eat as though it were her last meal, which isn’t normal for cats. This and other behaviors led me to wonder if a previous owner had abused her. Of course, eating so quickly caused her to vomit later. Every day I had a new mess to clean. I spent 11 months training Tashi to eat normally. And even then she never completely stopped vomiting, though it was much less frequent than before. Without my sacrifice, my love for her wouldn’t be as deep as it was and still is today. Love means selflessness That conversation with my Seattle friend reminds me of the final midsingles activity I attended there — FHE in my friend’s home. The lesson portion evolved into a conversation in which people were sharing their thoughts about how to grow the midsingles group. Normally I like to listen to others and learn how they see the world. This evening, however, I couldn’t resist sharing my perspective. And knowing this to be my last activity there for the foreseeable future, I held nothing back. I declared love is meaningful only when it involves people who are different. Talking to others we like and sitting with others we want around us isn’t all that difficult. We get to stay in our comfort zone. Conversely, talking with others who are very different and sitting with others we don’t want around us does require us to leave our comfort zone. Yet here love truly has meaning because here we act against self-interest. The Savior taught,
Love means discomfort I spoke many other words along the same vein that evening. All together they made some visibly uncomfortable. I rejoiced to see that, not because I have some sadistic pleasure in seeing people squirm but because it meant I was speaking truth. I was getting real. In the end, I invited everyone to surrender to love. I testified that only by surrendering to love would we ever become the truly supportive group everyone talked about becoming. Since then I’ve seen singles group after singles group struggle with creating a true sense of community. Leaders who consider singles committees as nothing more than activity planning groups don’t help. No one can come together when everyone has their own agenda. That will never change until we all surrender to love. Only by forgetting ourselves and focusing upon others will we ever create the community of the support network many LDS singles need in their lives. Yes, surrendering to love is hard. It goes against the natural man and woman. But the rewards of love far outweigh the price we must pay to obtain it. And having those rewards will bring us more joy in our journey.
This past weekend I’ve had the best vacation I’ve ever had in my entire life. Most people hearing that declaration will wonder where I went to have such a great time. But my vacation was great not so much for where I went as for what I did. I went to Afton, Wyoming. “Why would you go there?” some of you undoubtedly wonder. “There’s nothing there.” To which I answer, “Precisely.” Recently I’ve felt my life dead end in so many ways. I wanted to search my soul and think deeply about my life. I wanted to re-calibrate myself with a sense of hope that all isn’t lost for me. And I wanted a game plan for taking every part of my life to the next level. For me, that’s all best done surrounded by mountains, fresh air, and as few people as possible. Wyoming’s Star Valley fits that bill to a T. Start with the temple My first order of business was a session in the Star Valley temple. This has to be the absolutely smallest temple I’ve ever seen. There’s only one endowment room, one sealing room, and four sessions per day. I arrived hoping to join the last session. Every seat was already reserved, so the front desk called someone to see what work I might do. I took a seat and waited patiently. Very soon, a temple presidency member came out and greeted me. We shook hands as I expressed my hope in doing a session. Instantly this kind man put his arm around my shoulder. He thanked me for coming in a way that made me feel truly welcome. Then, turning to the attendant at the front desk, he instructed a space be made for me to attend a session. He then offered to show me where to go. I accepted, although the building is so small I couldn’t possibly get lost. Early during my session I began to feel a quiet confidence the blessings I desire are still available and the Lord will walk with me towards their attainment. What a wonderful start to my vacation! Get down to the nitty gritty I spent the next four days writing in a Moleskine notebook. I wanted to take my life to the next level, and I had a plan for how I would proceed. I started by listing every part of my life I wanted to take to the next level — my spiritual life, my relationships (both ones I had and ones I wanted), my career, my own businesses, my residence, my finances — literally everything. Then for each of those individual items, I followed a five step process:
I followed these steps for every individual part of my life, so little wonder I filled 71 pages in my notebook. From those pages I extracted the individual action items (271 in all) that get me started taking my life to the next level. Feel the power Admittedly, 271 action items is a lot, but I need do only one item at a time. And having lots to do is great. It gives hope I’ve got endless opportunity to turn my life around, a realization that brings with it great empowerment. I returned home feeling very powerful and very hopeful I can secure eternal blessings and live the life I want. I now have a new attitude. In that sense, my vacation was truly recreational because I came back re-created. This truly was the best vacation I’ve ever had. If you feel your life has approached a dead end in any or all its aspects, find your own quiet place to search your soul and get back to basics. You’ll find you can do so much to turn your life around. And that feeling of empowerment will bring you more joy in your journey.
I well remember the experience attending my first SA activity after being officially booted from the YSA program. It was a fireside. I was in my 30s, still single, and wondering what the future held for me. As I entered the room, I saw four ladies seated. Before you start thinking how great a 4:1 ratio is in addition to being the only guy in the room, let me add that each of these sisters was old enough to be my grandmother. You can imagine my sense of shock. It was like the part of me that felt young and hopeful had been violently knocked out of me. Though I might chase after it and longed to catch it, I was now unable to do so. I had a similar experience when I turned 40 and still no companion. What spark of hope I had left in me died. This combined with other unfortunate life events at that time led me into a mild but serious depression. As hard as that was, reaching rock bottom prepared me to learn some life lessons. There’s nothing wrong with you Our family-centered culture has given many LDS singles the expectation they would go to college and go on a mission and get a job and somewhere in that mix (after the mission, of course) they would get married and start a family. You don’t think to question that life plan if your life turns out that way. But if you’re one of the many LDS singles whose life hasn’t exactly followed that plan, you’ve asked a lot of questions. Many of those questions are completely understandable and yet completely unwarranted. I kept asking “What is wrong with me?” and “Where are the blessings I was promised for being righteous?” As understandable as these questions are, they’re the wrong ones to ask. First, there was never anything wrong with me. I sure felt like there was, though, especially with the way most ladies responded to my dating invitations. But that’s the thing right there. That evidence I used to conclude there was something wrong with me really said there was something wrong with my approach. Second. the Lord has always wanted to bless me, but He’ll never violate anyone’s agency. How could I get the result I wanted when my approach was all wrong? Of course my invitations had a low success rate; a poor approach always yields poor results. All the fairy godmothers are dead It can be difficult to step outside oneself and question underlying assumptions. I assumed the life plan I received in my youth would work for me. I assumed the scriptures my leaders quoted about God blessing the righteous because of their righteousness meant somehow everything would magically work out for me. But the scriptures also contain stories of people who weren’t prospered even though they were righteous. Abinadi comes quickly to mind. Expecting some fairy godmother to appear magically and make everything right with the wave of a wand just isn’t realistic. Here’s the truth: All the fairy godmothers are dead, assuming they were ever alive. The pain I experienced from turning 30 and 40 with no spouse came from holding onto an unmet unrealistic expectation. Once I let that go and owned my life, which includes accepting responsibility to make my own life plan, much of that pain subsided. In making my own plan, I aim for eternal blessings. I still strive for gospel standards. But I’ve let go of the time table and my preconceived notions of how life is supposed to be. And it’s made a tremendous difference. Don’t wait Since that time, I’ve had some better experiences and some even more painful ones. Although I’m still single, I’m a better man now than I once was because of what I’ve learned and what I’ve become. Recently I’ve encountered the need to get out of town to take some time to myself for some soul searching and serious thinking. And I’m sure to let you know more about it next week after I get back. For now, I just wanted to leave you with the life lessons I’ve just shared. If you’re getting poor results, it means there’s something wrong with your approach, not with you. And all the fairy godmothers are dead. Don’t wait for some magical event to fix everything. Own your life. Life is largely what you make of it. If you want your life to change, then first you must change. Let go of whatever life plan was handed to you and make your own plan to reach eternal blessings in the way the Lord reveals is best for you. Doing that will bring you more joy in your journey.
We all know the Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have done to you. But how much do we really practice it? We all have a self image, or way we see ourselves, and a self ideal, or who we want to be. Self esteem results when our self image matches our self ideal. The greater the match, the greater the sense of self esteem. But there’s a catch. Because it’s a perception, our self image doesn’t necessarily represent reality. Often it doesn’t. It’s easy to think we’re one way when we’re actually another. Confronting truth often reveals the mismatch — we aren’t what we thought we were — which creates a crisis of self-esteem. We can resolve the crisis by changing our self ideal to match our deficient self image (i.e. lowering our standards) or our self image to match our self ideal (i.e. living up to our standards). When we recognize a gap between who we actually are and who we want to be, Christ can change us so we live up to our standards. And it turns out living by the Golden Rule is one of the best ways to bridge that gap. Recognizing reality Lately I’ve been struggling with belonging to my ward. I’ve encountered hard time after hard time without the support I need. Why belong to a community that doesn’t seem to care? The scriptures say we meet together often to support one another and to receive the sacrament (see Moroni 6:5-6). That answer satisfies me less and less with each instance of neglect by my ward. Many LDS singles face similar questions in their own wards. Unfortunately, too many respond by leaving the safety of the Church. I can understand that. It’s really hard to keep holding on to something that doesn’t seem to be working, especially when you don’t seem to fit in with the others in the group. I still hold on because the restored gospel is true regardless of how my life turns out. How my life turns out has more to do with choices I and others make. That’s independent of the truth of the restored gospel. Confronting truth And now, after almost four years of holding on, I finally had a visit from my home teacher. Apparently out of guilt for neglecting me, my quorum president assigned himself to be my home teacher. Will he be a real home teacher and support me? Or will he simply check in once a month to do his duty? Time will tell. It’s good to have someone finally visiting me, though. At least, I felt good until he called me to repentance for skipping priesthood meeting. My mother has difficulty sitting in church with her medical conditions, so I often drive her home after sacrament meeting. Why then go back, especially if I don’t feel the support I need from my ward? Pondering my home teacher’s invitation to return, however, I couldn’t justify my continued absence. I also observed how it began slowly and eventually grew into complete absence. I’ve always considered myself active LDS. Yet I had to accept the truth embodied in my home teacher’s invitation when faced with it. My self image wasn’t based in reality and was far from my self ideal. I knew the right response — change my actions so I meet that ideal. Remaking reality This experience led me to examine other areas of my life. Do I see myself differently than who my actions prove I really am? It’s no surprise I do; I’ve always claimed to be a walking construction zone. But the particulars did surprise me. I’ve always thought of myself as being a very forgiving and understanding person. Yet it’s clear I haven’t forgiven my ward for their failure to support me. My mind keeps replaying memories of being abandoned to face my difficulties alone. Clearly my actions show me as someone I thought I wasn’t. Again, my self image doesn’t represent reality. I want others to forgive me when I offend them, so I should forgive them. That’s the Golden Rule. That’s also hard when those who offend continue to offend. But I know I’ll be stronger for living the Golden Rule. And I know my Savior has the power to help me do it. How many LDS singles carry the same grudge in their hearts? How many think they live one way when their actions witness something different? And if that describe you, what will you do about it? Lowering our standards to match our behavior never brings true joy in living. That joy is found only when we change our behavior to match the standard. Living the Golden Rule helps us do that. And when we do, we’ll have more joy in our journey.
Heaven indeed hears our cries. This past weekend the Church released a new series of seven videos. I’m excited to see what seems like the Brethren in Salt Lake attempting to change the culture of the Church. Without diminishing the role of the family in the gospel plan, they seem to be encouraging members to replace our current family-centered culture with a Christ-centered culture, one in which all members feel they belong. The speakers in the new videos don’t directly call out the problem of singles not fitting in with the family-centered culture of the Church, although they scream that very message as I watch them. I suspect the Brethren want to speak in more general terms so their message can have broader application. Whatever their reasoning, I support the Brethren. Although not every video addresses the problem many singles have with attending church, most of them do. And they do it without mentioning the words single, married, or family. Here’s the new videos by speaker and title.
Note that all the brethren are apostles and the two sisters serve in general auxiliary presidencies. Although all these videos are outstanding, the comments from Elder Christofferson and Sister McConkie most impressed me. Walking together Since I’m a gentleman, let’s consider the lady first. Sister McConkie does a bang-up job of calling attention to the neglected and ignored among us. Even though she never says the word single, you know she’s talking about singles. Sister McConkie admits she knows “people who come to church every Sunday so they can be inspired and uplifted and who just simply walk away feeling judged and unloved, unneeded, like there is no place for them at church. We need to do this differently.” Can I get an amen? Seriously, if that’s not a call to change the culture, albeit a tongue-in-cheek one, I don’t know what is. She continues, We cannot allow judgement to dictate the way we interact with people. It’s just not right. . . . We just cannot be or even call ourselves a disciple of Christ if we are not helping others along that path. The gospel of Jesus Christ does not marginalize people. People marginalize people. And we have to fix that. We need to be sensitive and love them and allow them the opportunity to grow and to blossom and to be their best selves. They have talents and abilities and personality that is needed in the kingdom of God, and if we’re going to build the kingdom of God on the earth we need everyone to come, to come and do their part. And we need to recognize that. When anyone’s shadow darkens the door of the chapel, they ought to feel immediately embraced and loved and lifted and inspired, that when they walk out that door, to go and be better because they know the Lord loves them and because they have friends in their faith. Wow! That sweet vision would make a wonderful reality for LDS singles everywhere! We need to walk together, singles and marrieds, helping each other along the journey to our eternal home. I love that bit about building the kingdom. If we’re going to be serious — I mean really serious — about building God’s Kingdom on earth, then we have to include every faithful soul. We do play a part, but it’s not about us. It’s about everyone, and that means reaching out to include everyone so everyone can play their part. Coming together Elder Christofferson does no less in maintaining that glorious banner. He directly pursues the question of fitting in with a positive and emphatic yes. Like the speakers in the other videos, he never uses words like single, married, and family. Yet we all know his words apply in that context. He then brings up Paul’s classic analogy that we’re all “many members yet but one body” in Christ (1 Corinthians 12:20). I especially love Paul’s rhetoric questions: "If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?” (1 Corinthians 12:15–17) In God’s design for His Kingdom, everyone willing to make covenants with Him is needed. The problem comes when many LDS singles don’t feel needed. I love how Elder Christofferson acknowledges the reality of such feelings and then offers a two prong solution: The diversity we find now in the Church may be just the beginning. Frankly, I think we’ll see greater and greater diversity. In the ancient church there was tremendous diversity. And it’s not just diversity for diversity’s sake, but the fact that people can bring different gifts and perspectives and the wide range of experience and backgrounds and challenges that people face will show us what really is essential in the gospel of Christ and that much of the rest that’s been perhaps acquired over time and is more cultural than doctrinal can slip away and we can really learn to be disciples. So on the one hand, we’ve got to be better as a people at receiving and helping and walking together with everybody, and on the other hand, every individual needs to be determined that they’re going to have a place in the kingdom of God. They’re going to have a place in the body of Christ. And others who are thoughtless or careless or worse can’t prohibit that, can’t drive them away, can’t take it away from them” (emphasis added). Yes, LDS singles need to own their life and control their reality by controlling their focus. At the same time, I love Elder Christofferson’s recognition that some of what we do is “more cultural than doctrinal [and] can slip away.” I’ll gladly place our alienating family-centered culture on that list. Of course, changing that culture means coming together and being real disciples of the Master. But isn’t that we should be doing anyway? Rising together A new day is dawning. The time when LDS singles needed to have the mark of belonging to the Church community to get the help they need is dying. Rising is a time when true disciples of the Lord reach out and bring all willing to make covenants with God together in a grand, diverse unity of the faith. Single and married will be situations, not identities. And the culture we embrace and promote will center on the Savior, He Who spilt His precious blood so that all of us could be redeemed. The time has come for us to walk together. The time has come for us to embrace a true unity of the faith. The time has come for us to be true disciples of Christ and start building the Kingdom for real. The time has come for us to change the culture. We singles know better than most that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to go. I’m sure I could find a story about someone who’s been forced into a totally different life because an accident left him or her paralyzed from the neck down. And whoever tells it to me would probably be saying, “See, you don’t have it so bad. It could be worse!” I’m not really interested in finding that story. I’ve got plenty of that story in my own life because I’m a single adult. What LDS single hasn’t experienced severe discouragement at being forced into an unanticipated life because of how others used their agency? That’s true regardless of if you’ve never been married, are divorced, or are widowed. It’s extremely easy to focus on how others used their agency when considering the life you have now. But that focus doesn’t improve the life you have now. That’s because it can’t. To do so would defy natural law. Your focus always becomes your reality. Focusing on how others used their agency to your disadvantage will make you feel disadvantaged. You’ll see yourself as a victim. That perspective robs you of the power you have to turn your life around. Yes, you can turn your life around. I don’t care what has happened to you. How do you do it? By practicing the ABC’s of owning your life. It starts with attitude Everything in life starts with attitude, so of course owning your life starts here. Attitude is the guide that channels your focus, and your focus becomes your reality. That means your attitude becomes your reality. You always have a choice regarding your attitude. That means by choosing your attitude, you also choose your reality. Owning your life then means what I’ve always said it means — taking responsibility for how your life has resulted. When you realize that power of agency in creating your best life, taking responsibility for how your life has resulted becomes much easier. God loves you so immensely He gave you a mortal existence to help you achieve your potential. That means blessings and tender mercies inundate the path of your journey. Those two ideas together mean God loves you so much He has blessings for you beyond your wildest imagination! When you approach life with an attitude of faith, you’ll see a lot more sunshine than rain cloud. The world is your oyster. Go get your pearls! It continues with balance Of course, owning your life doesn’t mean going overboard with a positive attitude. Owning your life encourages a balanced approach to living. When you own your life, you take responsibility for how your life has resulted. If you’re responsible for your life, then you don’t really care how others use their agency. You care only for how you use yours. After all, others aren’t responsible. You are. As I’ve discussed previously, the road to marriage is not causal but correlative. The agency of another person is involved. All you can do is influence the outcome you want. You influence best when you embrace a balanced approach. Who’s really more attractive? The people so focused on marriage they seem to be about that and nothing else? Or the people approaching life with balance and thus aren’t focused obsessively on any one thing? That right there says it all. It solidifies with caring All the attitude and balance in the world won’t make much difference, though, if you don’t care about what you do. Caring joins attitude and balance together. You’ll won’t want to own your life if you don’t care about what you do. Conversely, when you own your life, you care about what you do. And that broadcasts to other people that your life is real. Real life is always more attractive because everybody hungers for real. Real is something worth caring about and hence worth joining. Real life is also more joyful than the alternative life on autopilot. And that joy helps you to maintain the attitude and balance necessary to own your life. If your life isn’t what you want it to be, then have a care and own your life. Start making changes in your attitude, your balance, and your caring. You’ll be much more attractive to the companion you hope to bring into your life, and you’ll enjoy your journey much more regardless of when that companion enters your life.
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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