Hold them closer

"You shouldn’t wait for others to fill needs you have today.  Own your life.  Find your own personal circle.  And when you hold the family and friends you need a little closer, you’ll find angels have joined in for a group hug."

Lately we’ve been discussing the challenges of LDS dating.  We can more easily overcome these challenges when we understand the different stages of the journey (for example, that there are two kinds of dating), when we choose to be where we are, when we apply dating standards and not marriage standards to dates, and when we respectfully tell the truth despite what others think of us.

Yet even after embracing all of these concepts, dating can still feel like an emotional roller coaster.  That’s just how it is.  You can’t have great reward without encountering great risk. And sometimes that will leave your heart in pieces.

That’s why we all need a personal circle, a group of people who sincerely care about us and will support us when we need it.  I’ve written before about the need for singles groups to forsake the activity club, reject the dating forum, and become a support network.  I’ve also discussed how stakes and wards can play a larger role in supporting LDS singles.  I still believe in all that.

I also believe you shouldn’t wait for others to fill needs you have today.  Own your life.  Find your own personal circle.  And when you hold the family and friends you need a little closer, you’ll find angels have joined in for a group hug.

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Know who’s in

As disciples of Christ, we should always seek to help those around us.  But that doesn’t mean we need to develop a deep friendship with everyone around us.  Partnering with the Lord can help you know who should be what in your life.

Because we gain our sense of normal from those around us, we need to be very cautious about who we admit into our personal circle.  That’s where partnering with the Lord can help.  He knows the influence we need to live our best life.  He also knows who can best exert that influence upon us.  

Just as important as including the right people in your personal circle is excluding the wrong people.  And sometimes you’ll be related to them.  Excluding people from your personal circle doesn’t mean turning your back on them forever.  It just means being very cautious about what time you do spend with them.

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Deposit love

Once we know who’s in our personal circle, we should make regular deposits into their emotional bank accounts.  We should never take these people for granted.  And yet, too often we do.

I recall being at home for the holidays towards the conclusion of my graduate school program.  My relationship with my major professor had deteriorated substantially.  I knew I’d be charged for another semester unless I could complete my thesis and successfully defend it before the new semester started.

As we knelt in prayer before my return to campus, my mother pled with the Lord to help me finish my program.  I didn’t think much about that at the time.  But not long after returning, my deteriorated relationship with my major professor worsened to a breaking point.

As I walked towards my major professor’s office to quit, the memory of my mother praying for me filled my mind.  I suddenly felt a strengthened resolve to keep going.  I finished my degree program soon thereafter.

In the years since, that advanced degree has greatly blessed my life financially, occupationally, and socially.  I have friends I wouldn’t otherwise have.  And it’s all due to my mother’s prayer.  Clearly my mother is inside my personal circle, and I make regular deposits into her emotional bank account.

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Find the means

Of course, we can’t deposit love in others’ emotional bank accounts without the means to do so.  Determine what means you need so you can maintain those important relationships inside your personal circle.

Sometimes that means sacrifice.  I could just text or call my mother, but I always make time to visit her in person.  Sometimes being with her in person is itself the emotional deposit.

Some have argued I should move on with my life.  I don’t entirely disagree with that.  But I don’t want to forfeit the opportunity to make more memories with my mother while she’s still cogent.  Forsaking those opportunities will bring me regret for the rest of my life.  I’d rather not live with that.

Make the changes you need to make to have the personal circle you need to have.  Then make regular deposits into the emotional bank accounts of each one in your circle.  When you hold the people you love a little closer, you will find angels have joined in for a group hug.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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