Your own worst obstacle

"Why can’t we just focus on where we are in our journey and enjoy that place?  Dating is supposed to be fun, and it can be when we set aside our expectations, enjoy getting to know others, and build friendships rather than rushing everything towards the end goal."

Last week we discussed President Nelson’s remarks from the most recent General Conference about increasing the revelation we receive in our lives.  By following the Prophet’s counsel, we can find answers to questions and solutions to challenges.

Many LDS singles rightly seek revelation during their dating journey.  However, many become their own worst obstacle when they seek too much revelation too soon.

These singles ask the obvious question: Is this person “the one”?  That question seems appropriate for exclusive daters contemplating engagement.  But many ask that same question before they get anywhere near the Exclusive Dating stage.  They’re in the Casual Dating stage or even still in the Friendship stage.

I understand why they do it.  They don’t want to waste their time with someone who ultimately won’t give them what they want — a temple marriage.  And they don’t want the emotional pain of heartache after investing in a relationship that dies.  But I also understand why this approach turns LDS singles into their own worst obstacle.

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Enthrone friendship

So much of the thinking in LDS subculture is binary.  Everything’s either good or bad, black or white.  There’s no room for gray.

This narrow perspective drives LDS singles to see every dating prospect in extremes.  Everyone is either potential marriage material or an acquaintance.  Why waste time and money, the thinking goes, on someone who won’t be with you in the end anyway?

It’s little wonder we don’t really know what friendship is anymore when we discard further association with others once their failure to satisfy our personal agenda becomes evident.  Getting to know other people is never a waste of time.  Who couldn’t use more support while traveling the road of LDS singles life?

Cutting off association with others once all hope of romance dies sends the message that our worth comes from our ability to provide marriage.  Yet our worth really comes from our status as children of God.  Building genuine friendship with others — especially when they can’t really help us any — is the mark of a true friend.  And more true friends means more support when relationships we do hope will work out don’t.

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Respect timing

Asking “Is this the one?” too soon introduces excessive seriousness in our dating journey.  Everyone retracts, becoming extremely cautious about everything they do because they don’t want to be tied to any undesirable commitments.  And that restricts progress in our dating journey.

We also tend to misinterpret our experience with revelation when we ask such a serious question too soon.  What will be the answer to such a question?  More often than not, it’ll be “No.”  We then assume that means this person isn’t “the one” and proceed to sever all relations.  In actuality, it’s far more likely that “No” simply means “No, you’re going about this all wrong.”

I once met an attractive woman at a singles conference.  We really seemed to click.  But a couple of emails later, she told me she prayed to know whether I was “the one” and God told her to stop talking to me.

Please!  Revelation properly used in dating is about confirming choices we make, not instructing us with what to do.  Her choice was in no way informed.  We never went on a single date!

And what resulted from her choice?  No one won.  Both of us remained single longer than we needed to be, and neither one of us gained a new friend.  In many ways, we really are our own worst obstacle.  If only we could get out of our own way!

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Be where you are

We can promote rather than frustrate our progress in our dating journey by respecting where we are.  Before the Exclusive Dating stage, there’s no elevated commitment level.  Any commitment between people dies with the end of the date activity.

With such low levels of commitment, asking a very serious question like “Is this the one?” has no place until time with the more serious commitment of the Exclusive Dating stage prompts consideration of progressing even further.  No wonder the answer to that question asked too soon is more often “No.”  The Lord is trying to tell us, “No, you’re going about this all wrong!”

Why can’t we just focus on where we are in our journey and enjoy that place?  Dating is supposed to be fun, and it can be when we set aside our expectations, enjoy getting to know others, and build friendships rather than rushing everything towards the end goal.

Don’t be your own worst obstacle.  Save serious questions for later stages of the journey when the level of commitment demands that level of seriousness.  When you do, you’ll free yourself to enjoy more every part of dating.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode!