Your rules are dumb

The list of rules their life is supposed to follow is quite long if not endless.

Last time we discussed Elder Christofferson’s latest Conference talk about suffering from the lack of desired blessings.  Many LDS singles have lives that haven’t proceeded according to their plans.  And many have suffered accordingly.  However, examining the assumptions behind one’s thinking gets to the real root of the matter, allowing true solutions to emerge.

Among the common assumptions we examined last week, there was one we didn’t tackle.  Many LDS singles formulate not just a schedule of when desired blessings will arrive but also many of the details of those blessings.  For example, they may think, I’ll not only get married this year, but that person will be top shelf and dreamy.

It’s not uncommon to find singles who have extended such expectations to every part of their lives.  They include how many kids they will have, where they will live, what kind of career they have, and more.  The list of rules their life is supposed to follow is quite long if not endless.  Well, I’ve got just one thing to say to that.  Your rules are dumb.

Make rules for you

Setting rules for how life is supposed to proceed establishes expectations.  And that’s a problem, especially where other people are involved.  Everyone is so imperfect that you’re almost certain to be disappointed.

I know that sounds cynical.  I’m not trying to be.  Successful people take the world as they find it, not as they wish it would be. That means seeing things as they really are and calling them out.  Expecting people to act a certain way so your life can unfold according to your fantasy is just dumb.

Instead of establishing rules for how others should act, make rules for how you should.  Others will almost certainly disappoint you, but you can choose not to disappoint yourself.  You can work towards your best life by becoming your best self, and you do that by exercising the discipline to conform to rules that your best self would follow.  That process of struggle as you seek to change not just your behavior but your identity fuels the growth for the transformation into your best self.

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Leverage life’s little surprises

Your rules for how your life should proceed are dumb for another reason.  By staking out an expectation of what will or even should happen, you cut off all other possibilities from being acceptable.  And that removes much of the beauty your life could have.

Life is wonderful not because it conforms with some plan of perfection but because of possibility.  Variety and spontaneity are the spices of life because they highlight possibilities.  It’s the possibility of surprise that helps make it interesting.

Of course, some of those surprises would be more interesting if they didn’t invade your life.  For example, my place recently flooded for the third time in the last two months.  A surprise to be sure, but I don’t wallow in playing the victim.  I choose to leverage the event to fuel my drive to improve my situation.  Those improvements require me to think creatively about possible solutions and to work hard to realize them.

If I insisted that my place wasn’t supposed to flood because that’s not how my life is supposed to be, I’d cut off the creativity I need to find solutions.  I’d spend far too much time focusing on the problem, which creates a reality filled with problems.  I’d miss out on how beautiful my life could be by truly living it — taking it by the reins and making it the best it can be.

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Open yourself to possibility

What would happen if you suspended your rules and opened yourself to possibility?  Instead of insisting that your life proceed according to some pre-determined expectation, what if you had the humility to embrace an alternative?

I recall in a previous ward receiving an invitation to dinner.  The family had invited another family to join us.  As we waited for the women to finish preparations, the children were playing outside, and we men were conversing.

Speaking of his wife, one of the men said, “I never thought I’d be happy with a red head, but I am.”  When single, he expected he needed to marry a blonde to be happy.  What he found by releasing that expectation and embracing possibility was true happiness found not in what he had but in what he gave.  And the life he described living was truly beautiful.

Your rules are dumb.  Let go of the expectations that life must unfold a certain way in order for it to work for you.  Your life will work for you when you do the work your best life requires.  And that will bring your more joy in your journey.

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