Dating doesn’t have to be so challenging for LDS singles. Once you have a good map of the landscape and know how to use it, your journey improves substantially. Many LDS singles who lack that understanding often prove to be their own worst obstacle. Too often they put the cart before the horse by insisting that potential dates meet their standards for marriage. This practice fosters a culture in which dating is viewed as synonymous with marriage. Dating then becomes warped in LDS singles life. That’s not the only way many LDS singles put the cart before the horse. When considering whether to date someone, they often look at potential candidates and assume they’ll always be just as they are right at that moment. If someone is found to be undesirable, it’s then easy to say, “I don’t want to spend eternity with that” and walk away. In so doing, LDS singles often walk away from the very blessings they seek. In considering dating opportunities, we should consider not just position but also direction. We need to see others as they may become. Direction is more than position We came to this mortal existence to grow and become like our Heavenly Father. Traveling on this path towards perfection means that none of us are perfect as we are now. Yet our Heavenly Father doesn’t condemn us for not having yet completed our journey. He knows we’ll eventually arrive at our celestial destination if we maintain the proper direction. And He knows we can always change our direction. “Judge not, that ye be not judged” is the Savior’s teaching (Matthew 7:1). Yet how often do LDS singles fail to apply that teaching to their dating considerations? We confuse position and direction, thinking that person will always be just as we find them now. For example, most aren’t attracted to overweight suitors. Yet being overweight is merely position. What consideration do we give direction? There’s a world of difference between the overweight person trying to lose weight through diet and exercise and the overweight person doing nothing about it except crying over why no one wants to love them as they are. The Atonement by its very existence signals the potential for change. Truly believing in that potential means affording more weight towards direction than position when considering dating options. Potential to change is not change According more weight to direction doesn’t mean ignoring position. For example, perpetrators of physical abuse can change, but that doesn’t mean you should trust them just because they can change. Potential for changing direction is not the same as actually changing direction. Our actions determine our direction. What we do every day determines whether we end in one destination or in another. And small changes today can result in large differences tomorrow. A truly reformed physical abuser will refrain from physical abuse. Repeat offenders are not reformed. They still have the potential to change, but their actions show they haven’t actually changed. Their direction is askew, and in the interest of personal safety, you’d be justified not dating such a character. On the other hand, a physical abuser who has refrained from physical abuse has a better direction. That person’s actions demonstrate a change in direction has taken place. Both always had the potential to change. But the difference here is one’s actions evidence a change in direction and the other’s don’t. Embrace multiple experiences That’s why you should experience multiple casual dates with someone before deciding on the potential for a committed dating relationship with said person. For most aspects of an individual, you can’t judge appropriately with just one date. You need multiple experiences. Allowing that can help you give that greater weight to direction over position. Without that, it’s much easier to see only position and use that alone as the basis for dating considerations. No one’s perfect in this life. We’ll all miss the mark somewhere. But that doesn’t mean we always will. Our actions today can add to a body of evidence showing a more positive change in direction. And with time that body of evidence can demonstrate a more positive direction, which will make you more attractive to potential dating partners. Learning to see the potential in others can reveal doors of opportunity you didn’t before realize existed. Because no one’s perfect, the eternal companion you’re seeking isn’t perfect. Learning to value others for what they may become because of their direction may help you see that the person who you thought would never do as a companion actually fulfills your needs more than you could imagine. Tolerating imperfection can actually help you find your true love. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
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Lately we’ve been discussing some of the challenges of LDS dating. Why is LDS dating so hard for so many? Too often we put the cart before the horse by applying marriage standards to dating. We would enjoy our dating experiences more — and have more of them — if we evaluated potential dating partners against a standard for a date and not an eternal companion. We also have the tendency to test our dates during the date. This practice prevents everyone from truly enjoying dating. And we just might walk away from a perfectly acceptable companion because we incorrectly judge anxiety over giving the right response as a lack of confidence or some other quality we believe that person needs to have. We’ve seen answers to these challenges. We should apply dating standards to dates, not marriage standards. And we should evaluate our dates after rather than during the event. These answers require an incredible amount of honesty. And that presents a challenge in itself. How can we be as honest as we need to be when dating? Pain is part of the plan The biggest obstacle to honesty during dating is pride. We don’t want to hurt anyone else or have others perceive us as being hurtful. Good intentions aside, sometimes people will get hurt. That’s part of this fallen world. That doesn’t excuse intentional harm, but it can help to know pain is part of the plan. Pain is also part of our journey to the love of an eternal companion. You can’t enjoy the rewards of a romantic relationship without making yourself vulnerable. You have to risk getting hurt. When you make yourself vulnerable, sometimes you’ll get the goods, and sometimes you won’t. Getting the goods feels super great. Not getting them feels super not so great. Despite your best efforts, others will still get hurt. So lowering your expectations of what results from your words and actions may help. Yes, we should desire not to hurt others. But we should also understand it may happen anyway. And we should forgive ourselves when it does. Pride resists the truth None of that makes the truth any easier to speak if you don’t want others to think badly of you. How do you say what needs to be said when you know it will hurt someone else? This question assumes there’s a way to communicate truth without that truth having its natural result. There isn’t. Truth is truth. When others realize the truth you speak, that truth will have its effect, be it good or bad. Instead of fighting natural law, we would do better to align ourselves with it. Instead of looking to share truth without causing pain, we should simply accept that pain may result when we share the truth. In other words, just say it. Pride makes that sound incredibly difficult. But it’s not. Any difficulty lies in needing to be perceived in a particular way. That concern pressures us to act in some ways and resist acting in others. All that disappears when we stop caring about what others think. What others think of you is none of your business. Your business is doing your best to treat others with dignity and respect. Only when you stop caring about what others think will you find the complete freedom to be who you really are. And that’s the person you want to share when dating. Honesty is true freedom Being honest doesn’t necessarily mean being harsh. We can communicate our standards without being overbearing or uncaring. For example, suppose a guy invites a girl on a casual date, but the girl would rather not. A popular response is some variant of “I’m busy.” My favorite is “I have to wash my hair.” This response isn’t completely honest. Yes, the girl may very well be busy, but here she’s really saying she doesn’t want to spend time with the guy without actually saying she doesn’t want to spend time with the guy. In effect, she’s telling the guy he isn’t worth the truth. Contrast that harsh response with the simple, straightforward “Thanks, but I’m not interested.” That’s true; the girl’s not interested. She doesn’t have to divulge details. This of course disappoints the guy, but that’s assuaged by the knowledge he’s at least respected enough to be told the truth. Complete honesty in dating will come more easily when you let go of your pride and stop caring about what others think of you. Only then will you be truly free to be the person the Lord wants you to be. Living in that space will more effectively attract to you the companion who really should be with you. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
Last week we looked at the importance of being where we are in our dating journey. That means applying dating standards to potential dating partners, not marriage standards. Thinking about marriage when considering a casual date is like putting the cart before the horse. No wonder LDS dating is so difficult and confusing for so many! Applying marriage standards to dating isn’t the only way LDS singles trip over their own feet when dating. Too many test their dates during the date. This practice prevents living in the moment. And you can’t fully enjoy the moment if you don’t live there. I know what many of you are thinking. How can we know whether or not to go farther with our dating partner if we don’t test? I’m not saying don’t test. I’m saying there’s a time and place for everything, and the date is not the time or place for testing. We test best after the date, not during. Watch your broadcast We all broadcast our inner self to those around us. If you test your date during the date, you have an agenda, and you’ll be broadcasting that. Most people will pick up your broadcast, usually to negative effect. That shouldn’t be surprising. Most people want to be loved for who they really are and not part of some agenda or project. When you test your date during the date, you broadcast you don’t really care about your date as a person but rather as a means to an end. One of two things typically happens. First, not wanting to be filler material, your date could withdraw from you. If your date could’ve made an excellent companion for you, then you just shot yourself in the foot. You just extended your singles life. Congratulations! And the other possible outcome? Your test makes your date far more nervous and anxious. He or she knows, in order to go any further with you, he or she must pass your test. But not knowing exactly what the right response is or even what the test itself is, your date will likely bumble his or her way through the date, leaving you with a false impression of who they are. And that could very well lead you to make the wrong call. Learn from others I once knew a woman who was in many respects a perfect companion for me. So of course I was interested in knowing her better. After a few texts and emails, we went out a few times. Yet in all our interactions, I couldn’t escape the feeling she was testing me. That feeling was especially strong during our dates. I kept trying to put on a good performance without knowing what she wanted to see or hear. All the while, I never really enjoyed our time together because I never could. I was always worried I would say or do the wrong thing, and it would be one too many wrong things, leading her to say “Thanks, but no thanks.” In the end that’s exactly what happened. She simply walked away. The last I saw of her was at a singles activity. She came with some guy I’d never before seen. And after months of non-response, she suddenly started talking with me as though we were best friends. Even here she was still testing me. After hearing an clearly unwanted answer to a question about my employment (at the time I was between jobs), she walked away. I never saw or heard from her again. You must risk Some might say this experience proves we weren’t meant to be together. My own experience tells me we would have been good companions for each other. I don’t know what happened to her, but I hope she got what she wanted. I can understand her perspective. Her divorce was particularly painful, and she wanted assurance she wouldn’t experience that pain again. That’s completely understandable. Yet love is such that you must risk in order to get reward. You can’t get the relationship you really want without making yourself vulnerable. I wish she could have let go during our dates and just enjoyed my company. Even if things still didn’t work out, we might have been friends. Don’t test your dates during the date. Just be yourself and enjoy what the other person has to offer. You can evaluate your date after the date. Then is the time when you can thoughtfully consider whether going further with this person is a good idea or not. When you’re interacting with others, be present in that moment. Doing so will allow to experience all the joy that moment has to offer. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
Last week we discussed the need for LDS singles to expand their casual dating pools to include everyone — well, almost everyone; jerks, stalkers, and criminals need not apply. Many LDS singles resist expanding their casual dating pools because they inappropriately pre-judge potential dating partners by filtering for marriage material. Superficially, that seems to make sense. Dating leads to marriage, and we don’t want to end up with someone we don’t really want. Plus spending all that time and money with someone who won’t be with you in the end seems wasteful. Isn’t it better not to start if you won’t finish? This logic prevalent among LDS singles keeps many of them single longer than needful — in some cases, much, much longer. Here’s a more effective approach: Apply standards to where you are in your dating journey. Don't reject a date based on your standards for marriage. Reject a date based on your standards for dating. Know where you areEffectively applying standards to dating requires you to understand where you are on the map of your dating journey. With that in mind, let’s review what we’ve learned recently about the stages of the dating journey.
Know your next stepYou don’t need a map to know where you’re going. But a map becomes very useful to tell you how to get there. Understanding the different stages of the dating journey helps you know where are on the map. That begs the obvious question: How do I get where I want to go? You don’t climb a mountain by constantly staring at the peak. You climb a mountain by looking where your feet you are and taking a step forward. Your focus, then, should be on the next step in front of you, not the end goal. Once you know where you are in your dating journey, your next step will be to secure the agreement for the next stage. If you don’t have the necessary agreement, you don’t progress. Period. That’s why this is your next step. Be where you areThat’s harder to do when you’re staring constantly at the summit and never on where your feet actually are. How long will it be before you trip and land on your face? Many LDS singles find dating disagreeable because that’s exactly what they experience. They keep tripping and landing on their face. If that’s your experience, here’s some free advice: Stop looking at the summit! Be where you are. If you focus on where your feet are and take the next step directly before you, and then the next one, and so on, eventually you’ll climb the mountain. So focus on where your feet are: Apply standards of dating to dates. This of course means you might date someone you wouldn’t marry. So what? That’s perfectly normal; everyone dates people they never marry. Only by dating lots of people will you better know that right type of person who demands more serious consideration. Because you’ll date people you’ll never marry, your standards will change with each stage of the dating journey. You’ll casually date people you won’t commitedly date. And you’ll committedly date people you won’t marry. Recognizing these truths makes it easier to be where you are. You can better enjoy someone’s company irrespective of whether or not you’ll marry that same person when you focus on that moment rather than on some agenda to achieve a future goal. Applying standards of dating to dating helps you to be in the place where you are. This in turn helps you to live more fully in the moment and makes you more attractive to someone who can help you be where you want to be. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
Lots of things in life come in pairs, especially food. Apples and oranges. Peanut butter and jelly. Biscuits and gravy. Bacon and eggs. Grilled ham and cheese. On that note, my favorite pair is probably vanilla and chocolate. Yeah, in true Brigham Young tradition, we’re talking ice cream. Of course, there’s more flavors of ice cream. But these two staples provide the foundation for the rest of the ice cream pantheon. As good as many other flavors are, it’s hard to appreciate fully other flavors without the two foundational flavors vanilla and chocolate. In like manner, dating has two foundational “flavors.” And you can’t appreciate fully what dating is or how it’s done without the foundation. Last week I described how dating is easy when you understand the fundamentals. Understanding the two “flavors” of dating is one of those fundamentals. After all, how can you successfully navigate the terrain when you don’t have clear markers along your path? And no, the two “flavors” aren’t celestial dating and worldly dating. I’m talking about casual dating and committed dating. Keep the start casual Too many LDS singles place too much commitment at the start of the journey. They treat an invitation to go out like a marriage proposal. And the confusion they create obstructs their journey towards an essential ordinance. Casual dating is just that — casual — so the commitment level is really low. Once the date ends, so does any commitment. And a date is just an agreement to participate in a specified activity at a specified time with a specified person. What would happen if all LDS singles approached casual dating for the casual activity it is? There would be a lot more dating and a lot more fun. Yes, dating leads to marriage. But filtering every dating decision through that lense places high levels of seriousness at the start of the journey that make it hard both to be ourselves and to enjoy the ride. We need stage-specific filters for our journey. Good decisions usually require good data. It’s easier to differentiate when you can make good comparisons. That’s why casual dating is so important. If singles give each other the liberty to date other people early in the journey, they can get the data they need to make their best decisions regarding committed dating. Commit to inquire well The transition between any two consecutive stages of the dating journey is an agreement. When you agree to date one person who in turn agrees to date only you, you’ve left casual dating and entered committed dating. In contrast with casual dating, where all commitment ends with the date activity, in committed dating you’ve made a commitment that extends beyond any one date activity. Casual dating is about narrowing your field of options down to one. It involves multiple experiences with multiple people in order to identify which one you most want to know better. But committed dating is about evaluating the one option you’ve selected for the role of spouse and parent. Committed dating is about having multiple experiences with just one person in order to identify whether you want to share lives with that one person. You’ll share your life with your spouse who will in turn share his or her life with you. Committed dating is a time for deep questioning. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught, “If you want to marry well, inquire well.” Committed dating is the time for that inquiry. Is this person traveling in an agreeable direction? Will this person’s priorities support who you want to become? Be where you are Dating is easier and more fun once you understand the terrain of each stage of the journey. That understanding allows you to practice this dating fundamental: Be in the place where you are. If you’re in the early part of the journey, don’t act like there’s some huge commitment with what you do. There’s no huge commitment in the early stages. Likewise, if you’re in the later part of the journey, you should act in accordance with the higher level of commitments found there. When everyone has the same map that matches the terrain of the journey, there’s no need for DTR. We know exactly where we are because we know what agreements we have and haven’t made. And we know what next step we need to take to progress in our journey. We also free ourselves from worry over what someone else will think or feel. We can just be ourselves and enjoy the experience dating should provide. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
Why does dating have to be so hard? Thus has been the cry of many single Latter-day Saints. Everything’s complicated. Saying the right words could be significant. But so could saying the wrong words. Or nothing at all. And, goodness me, you better not sit next to someone unless you’re a couple. And watch those knees. Touching signals scandal. And in like manner, a date signals marriage intentions. After all, what’s the point of dating someone who you know won’t do? Asking someone out on a date must mean something. Of course, lest we forget, we eventually always encounter that pesky DTR. (For those living under a rock, that’s Define The Relationship.) Anything could mean anything, so we have to clarify what every little thing means. No one likes these awkward discussions which almost always end with someone disappointed. I mean, who really wants another friend? Many LDS singles think this way. I used to be right there with them. For these folks dating is hard. But it doesn’t have to be if we understand the fundamentals. The importance of fundamentals Walking illustrates well the importance of fundamentals. Most of us can walk without any problem. We don’t lose sleep worried whether we’ll ever walk well enough or fear the future because of our lack of walking. Why is this? We’ve mastered the fundamentals of walking. In fact, we’ve mastered walking so well we have no concerns about our ability to walk whenever needed. Walking is easy for us because we’ve mastered the fundamentals. Conversely, seeing toddlers fall down doesn’t really surprise anyone. They’re still learning how to walk. They haven’t yet mastered the fundamentals of walking. For them, walking is challenging. Everything in life — including dating — works the same way. When we understand the fundamentals of what we’re trying to do, we can execute with ease. It’s when we don’t have the fundamentals mastered that we encounter challenge and struggle. The fundamentals of dating This discussion now begs the question: What are the fundamentals of dating? LDS dating has conventions we all at least intuitively understand. But if we can’t speak them well enough to teach them to others, we don’t really understand like we think we do. The ultimate purpose of dating is marriage, but that doesn’t mean marriage considerations should guide every decision in our dating journey. After all, dating starts with friendship, but what friendship offered only to those who hold the potential of offering something in return is considered true? Yes, the dating journey has stages. To understand the fundamentals of dating, we must understand the fundamentals of each stage and how we move between stages. Dating starts with Friendship and then can move in turn to Casual Dating, Committed Dating, Engagement, and Marriage. Agreements connect these stages together. If you don’t agree with someone to progress to a certain stage, you don’t progress to that stage. Each stage has its own agreement. To progress to Casual Dating, you must agree with someone to go out on a date, which is simply a commitment to spend a set time with a specific someone doing a specific activity. Once the date is over, there’s no more commitment; that’s why it’s called Casual Dating. For Committed Dating, you must commit to date only one person who in turn commits to date only you. For Engagement, you must agree to marry someone who in turn agrees to marry you. For Marriage, you must demonstrate your agreement by accepting the ceremony together. The freedom of the fundamentals This very brief description of the stages of the dating journey is just the tip of the iceberg in understanding the fundamentals of dating. You really need a whole book to get all the details. Fortunately, I’m working on just such a book and will release it as soon as it’s ready, together with a book about habits and their role in LDS singles life. Progressing in our dating journey becomes even easier when we add together an understanding of how we’re biologically hardwired to function and an understanding of dating fundamentals. For me, the greatest benefit from understanding the fundamentals of dating is the freedom. I’m not concerned what the other person is thinking. I don’t need DTR. I know exactly where I am in my dating journey because I know what agreements I have and haven’t made. And because I know what the next agreement I need to make is, I know what my next step in my journey is. Dating is hard when we don’t understand the fundamentals. But when we do, dating becomes easy. And that will bring more journey in our journey.
LDS singles can easily feel like second-class citizens in the family-centered culture of the Church. The continual focus on something we don’t have just makes feeling like we belong and staying positive and optimistic more difficult. Of course, the Church must teach the doctrines related to the family. How could they not? “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” begins with the solemn declaration “that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Yet teaching the gospel as though everyone has the ideal situation serves more to alienate those who are different than invite them to continue participating. We need to teach the doctrines related to the family while at the same time help those who don’t have that ideal situation to feel fully included in the Kingdom. The way forward likely includes a recognition that we’re each at different points along the path to the same heavenly home. And we must testify with our actions that, no matter where along the path we may be, all of the gospel is indeed for all of us. Embrace inclusion That recognition will carry more weight when we truly care for everyone around us. Words in Sunday School about a wonderful and inclusive ward family mean little when singles are left to confront the storms and other challenges of real life on their own. Often, lessons about the family focus on the needs of those who are married. Broadening that focus to recognize those who don’t have the ideal family structure in their lives can provide a foundation for inclusion. Spending some time during lessons applying the family doctrines to singles as well as to marrieds can further that sense of inclusion. For example, we read towards the end of the Family Proclamation,
Whereas marrieds strive to maintain their families, singles strive to create new ones. Why must lessons focus solely on those who already have families? Why can’t they include those who are trying to create them? For instance, we can include examples of applying the principles in the Family Proclamation to dating. When considering a dating prospect, do we truly prize qualities such as faith, forgiveness, respect, and compassion? Or do we refuse a prospect who may have those qualities in spades but lack the more worldly qualities not mentioned in the Family Proclamation? Look inside
My single brethren, how are your presiding skills? D&C 121 is a great start if you need a refresher. How is your ability to provide the necessities of life? Note the word necessities doesn’t include fancy sports cars or weekly shopping sprees at the mall but does include putting a roof over people’s heads, food in their bellies, and a pillow under their heads at night. If you find your ability to provide lacking, what are you doing to improve? Single sisters, don’t think you’re getting left out here. How are your nurturing skills? Again, if you find your ability lacking, what are you doing to improve? Let all help all As a divinely inspired document, the Family Proclamation is filled with wonderful sentences that can both teach the doctrine of the family and help everyone regardless of their situation to feel included in the larger community of the Saints. However, of all the sentences in the Family Proclamation, I do have a favorite. It’s this one: “Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” I love that sentence! Why do I love that sentence so much? Here the Brethren acknowledge that life is sometimes less than ideal and those who find themselves so situated are still acceptable before God so long as they do their best with what they have. Note that “individual adaptation” applies to more than just those who find themselves in less-than-ideal situations. It applies to everyone. We’ll never truly live in Zion until all of us labor to help all of us along the path home. That’s because we can’t live in Zion without embracing all of the gospel. And all of the gospel is indeed for all of us. Ministering to everyone around us and not just those who are like ourselves may be difficult at first. But if pursued honestly, it will bring us more joy in our journey.
Recently I’ve reflected on everything I’ve done since all this started on 12/12/12. I’ve come a long way. The road behind me is filled with accomplishment, much of which I simply didn’t envision back in 2012. I can’t say all of my blog posts have been classics, but I do have a post for every week since the start of 2014. That’s almost 3 ½ years of weekly posts, most of which have no comments. I said back then I wasn’t doing any of this for acclaim, and that’s still true today. All I’ve ever wanted was real. You don’t need the attention of others to get real. That post at the start of 2014 is definitely a classic. I’ve produced a few more along the way. One that keeps coming back to me reminisced about a older friend who lives in Seattle. We conversed 90 minutes about love, concluding no one can really define what love is. We know when it’s there and when it’s not because we can feel it. But it’s impossible to define exactly what love is. Love means sacrifice That conversation transformed me. It’s since led me to ponder this question: What does it mean to love someone? Before that conversation, I thought I knew. Since then, I’m not completely sure I do know. Part of the answer surely lies in sacrifice, forgoing your own desires to help others fulfill theirs. It’s been almost four years since Tashi died, but I still think about her and how my heart broke. Even a blind man can see I loved that cat. But why? When I first adopted her, Tashi had tremendous trouble eating properly. Every time I fed her, she would eat as though it were her last meal, which isn’t normal for cats. This and other behaviors led me to wonder if a previous owner had abused her. Of course, eating so quickly caused her to vomit later. Every day I had a new mess to clean. I spent 11 months training Tashi to eat normally. And even then she never completely stopped vomiting, though it was much less frequent than before. Without my sacrifice, my love for her wouldn’t be as deep as it was and still is today. Love means selflessness That conversation with my Seattle friend reminds me of the final midsingles activity I attended there — FHE in my friend’s home. The lesson portion evolved into a conversation in which people were sharing their thoughts about how to grow the midsingles group. Normally I like to listen to others and learn how they see the world. This evening, however, I couldn’t resist sharing my perspective. And knowing this to be my last activity there for the foreseeable future, I held nothing back. I declared love is meaningful only when it involves people who are different. Talking to others we like and sitting with others we want around us isn’t all that difficult. We get to stay in our comfort zone. Conversely, talking with others who are very different and sitting with others we don’t want around us does require us to leave our comfort zone. Yet here love truly has meaning because here we act against self-interest. The Savior taught,
Love means discomfort I spoke many other words along the same vein that evening. All together they made some visibly uncomfortable. I rejoiced to see that, not because I have some sadistic pleasure in seeing people squirm but because it meant I was speaking truth. I was getting real. In the end, I invited everyone to surrender to love. I testified that only by surrendering to love would we ever become the truly supportive group everyone talked about becoming. Since then I’ve seen singles group after singles group struggle with creating a true sense of community. Leaders who consider singles committees as nothing more than activity planning groups don’t help. No one can come together when everyone has their own agenda. That will never change until we all surrender to love. Only by forgetting ourselves and focusing upon others will we ever create the community of the support network many LDS singles need in their lives. Yes, surrendering to love is hard. It goes against the natural man and woman. But the rewards of love far outweigh the price we must pay to obtain it. And having those rewards will bring us more joy in our journey.
Last week we discussed how LDS singles can maintain a positive focus in their lives. We included seeking ways to serve others, particularly our local leaders and other LDS singles. We also emphasized one special way to help local leaders — educate them in how to minister more effectively to LDS singles. I wrote a book describing specific actions for ministering more effectively to LDS singles. Sharing this free book with local leaders can help bridge the gap between figurative night and day. Yet many may still resist change. They may prefer the comfortable status quo, even though they can perform the specific actions outlined in my book in the course of what they’ll do anyway. How do we reach such leaders? How do we help them to improve their thinking so the lives of LDS singles can improve? We follow the example of our Lord and Savior. Give pause Christ confronted local leaders who refused to see the world differently. He always responded with a quiet yet confident patience that provided room for repentance. The story of the woman taken in adultery (John 8:3-11) provides an excellent example. Intent on trapping Him, the scribes and Pharisees brought before the Lord an adulterous woman. At first He made no reply. They pursued a response and got one: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7). Knowing their own sins, the accusers removed themselves. Christ affirmed the law while also allowing for mercy. I don’t suggest confronting our leaders with their sins. Rather I’m suggesting we follow the Savior’s initial response. He wasn’t quick to state His judgement. In fact, He didn’t state anything at first. He simply allowed space for the conversation to change. We LDS singles can exercise a similar patience. In encouraging our local leaders to embrace more effective ministering to singles, we can give pause. We can make a space that invites calm and compassion. And just as Christ returned to writing on the ground after responding, we can return to doing our part to minister more effectively while our local leaders take the time they need to come around. Give reason The Savior again exemplified responding with patience when He healed a man with a withered hand (Matthew 12:9-13). The Pharisees, seeing both men in the synagogue, asked the Lord,“Is it lawful to heal on the sabbath days?” (Matthew 12:10), again with the intent to entrap Him. Christ again responded perfectly, asking rhetorically whether they would rescue their sheep on the sabbath. Christ then continued, “How much then is a man better than a sheep? Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days” (Matthew 12:12). He then acted on that reasoning by healing the withered hand. We LDS singles can likewise reason with our local leaders. Afterwards, we should exemplify that reasoning with our actions. In this way, we follow the path of the Savior by extending mercy and compassion towards our leaders. The Savior later taught this same principle to the Prophet Joseph Smith.
Our local leaders can know our faithfulness is strong when we exercise patience while they take the time they need to come around. Give time Still, some local leaders might seem uninterested in change. Treating singles committees as nothing more than activity planning groups and otherwise letting singles fend for themselves may appear to satisfy them. Will such ever come around? Again, the Savior provides the answer. In his parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), Christ tells the story of a young man who, fixed in his own approach to life, demanded his inheritance, which he then spent in riotous living. His inheritance depleted, he came to work feeding swine which ate better than he did. Then the scripture records, “And when he came to himself, . . . he arose, and came to his father” (Luke 15:17, 20). Some people, including some local leaders, simply choose to learn only within the School of Hard Knocks. They won’t change until presented with the reality of their failure. The Law of the Harvest makes no exceptions. Their actions (or lack of them) have produced their results (or lack of them). In life, we all get according to what we do. Such babes in sacrament meeting need our patience while they take the time they need to come around. That time may prove more difficult, but we can leverage such experiences to draw closer to our Lord and Savior. We can receive added strength to endure well. We can continue to pray for, fast for, and seek opportunities to serve our leaders. With diligence and patience in following the Master, we’ll see miracles happen. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
For years LDS singles have snickered while reading D&C 58:27-28. After all, this is the famous scripture about “being engaged.” Given our family-centered LDS subculture, everyone gets the joke. Like all jokes, there’s an element of truth here. Marriage is an important element of our Heavenly Father’s plan. Where the joke ends, though, is where the reality begins. Yes, LDS singles should be engaged to be married, or at least actively engaged in becoming so. But the power to do that is not entirely within them because the agency of others is involved. Dwelling on that reality fills many LDS singles with frustration. Of course, D&C 58:27-28 is really about taking more action in promoting goodness within our spheres of influence. And that is within the power of every individual. Living our best life beckons us to dwell in this valley focused on what we can do and what we have instead of what we can’t do and what we don’t have. Keeping that positive focus may prove challenging. Yet three areas of emphasis can help LDS singles to maintain that positive focus on bringing goodness into the world. Engage a personal ministry Adopting your own personal ministry is one of many themes this program has embraced. Find your own corner of God’s garden you can tend, and devote yourself towards nurturing blossoms from that ground. By giving yourself to whatever noble cause is right for you, you align what you can do and what you have with an outward outlook. As you help others to tackle their problems, you will find increased strength and capacity to tackle your own. And an unanticipated bonus may await. By focusing on the positive and bringing goodness into the world, LDS singles make themselves more attractive to a potential eternal companion. They may even meet said companion in the course of pursuing their personal ministry. Regardless of whether or not that happens, life offers more joy for LDS singles when they embrace a personal ministry. Engage your local leaders LDS singles bring even more goodness into the world when they seek to serve their local leaders. As we discussed last week, local leaders will be more inclined to help LDS singles when those singles seek to help them. LDS singles can especially help their local leaders by teaching them how to minister more effectively to LDS singles. Local leaders who minister more effectively can bless many lives. But that can’t happen if they don’t first understand exactly how to minister more effectively. This is where we LDS singles can play an important role. We LDS singles can educate our leaders. It’s for that very reason I wrote a book on how to minister more effectively to LDS singles. This book shows everyone — stake leaders, ward leaders, and the singles themselves — what part they play in more effective ministering to singles. Using this book to help our leaders is very simple. Download the book yourself and then give them a copy. Or send them a link which they can use to download their own copy. And here’s the best part: The book is absolutely free. I never intended to profit from the book. I wrote it solely to improve life in our wards and stakes for singles. No price tag should guard the gate to that knowledge. Engage other LDS singles Of course, that book isn’t just for our local leaders. It’s also for us LDS singles. The support networks many LDS singles need will never exist unless we LDS singles improve our own attitudes and perspectives. That best happens when we engage each other in discussions and conversations that change minds, touch hearts, and transform lives. Think of the goodness withheld from our world when we attend singles activities with the primary purpose of satisfying our own agenda. I’ve discussed previously the perils of the Dating Forum as well as the pitfalls of the Activity Club. We need the outward focus of the Support Network as we seek to follow the Savior. We do that by helping other LDS singles change the way they see singles activities. We can also foster that change by inviting other LDS singles to join us whenever we recognize and take opportunities to help other LDS singles. Whether by adopting a personal ministry, serving our local leaders, or supporting other singles, LDS singles have many options for improving their lives through improving the lives of others. Focusing on bringing goodness into the world, whatever the area of emphasis, ennobles us and strengthens us to withstand the challenges of our own lives. And that will bring more joy in our journey. |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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