I truly believe the global leaders of the Church care about singles. But somehow that doesn’t always translate down to the local level. Many LDS singles find themselves constantly ignored, or at best tolerated, in their wards and stakes. Although ministering to singles can easily get lost in the bustle of everything vying for our leader’s time and attention, many local leaders simply don’t know how to minister effectively to singles. In an effort to help remedy that deficiency, lately I’ve been discussing how our leaders can minister more effectively to LDS singles, first at the stake level, and then at the ward level. Last week I explored how singles can provide our local leaders with a great example by ministering to each other. After all, our local leaders will be more inclined to help us if we’re seen to be busy helping ourselves as much as possible. While we LDS singles are about helping each other, what’s to say helping our leaders shouldn’t be a part of that effort? If our leaders will be more inclined to help us when they see us doing what we can to help ourselves, how much more inclined will they be to help us if they see us doing what we can to help them? See what you need I’ve discussed the great need of many singles to have someone to walk with them. I believe having someone to walk with us is the greatest unmet need we LDS singles as a collective community have. Life is hard, but it’s even harder when you’re left to walk that journey alone. Our Heavenly Father instituted marriage in part to provide a measure of support. Spouses can help each other and ascend together towards their heavenly home. We singles have the same celestial destination but no spouse to support us. And when all effective ministering to us from all parties is lacking, that need for support is all the greater. That’s why home teachers and visiting teachers play such a crucial role in ministering to singles. They’re best positioned to be that someone to walk with the singles under their charge. Visiting singles should never be to complete a perfunctory assignment. Rather the focus should point towards building a genuine supportive relationship with another human being. In essence, it’s being a real friend. Give what you need But the friendship street runs both ways. We singles can easily get absorbed in the focus of what we fail to have when the more important focus is often what we fail to give. Expecting a true friend to come into our lives when we ourselves aren’t being that true friend to others is an exercise in futility. As with all human relationships, it’s the little things that often matter most. We should seek out the ways, small though they may be, that we can provide assistance to those around us. Others will more readily want to connect to someone who is helpful than someone who is insular. As we singles do the little things that encourage others to build the relationships with us we need to support us in our journey through mortality, finding those who will be willing to do the heavy lifting when the time comes will be easier. That’s natural law — the Law of Restoration. Alma explained very well this law:
If you want something to come into your life, then bring that same something into the lives of others. In life, you get what you give. Get what you give Obeying the Law of Restoration is very empowering. It places control for our lives into our hands. As we focus on doing what lies within our power, we open ourselves to the positive energy attending those who truly enjoy life. Focusing on doing what lies within our power also encourages us to own our lives. You’ll never have the fullness of joy you can enjoy right now without taking responsibility for how your life has resulted. Only when you own your life do you open yourself to enjoying your present situation in life despite its myriad of imperfections. And it will always have imperfections. If you’re one of many LDS singles who wish that those in your ward and stake would walk with you, then you need first to walk with them. Doing what lies in your power to send out what you want to receive will make receiving it more likely. It will help you to own your life. And it will bring you more joy in your journey.
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Lately I’ve been discussing how our married friends in leadership can minister to LDS singles more effectively. It all started two weeks ago when I shared what stake leaders can do to minister to singles. Then last week I focused on what ward leaders can do and how home teachers and visiting teachers play a pivotal role in walking with singles. Yet a focus exclusively outside of singles ignores a major component in ministering effectively to singles. We LDS singles can do much to support one another and lift ourselves to higher ground. Yes, stake and ward leaders are busy people with enough commitments pulling them in different directions that singles can easily get forgotten. But I firmly believe another obstacle impedes our leaders from doing more to help LDS singles. They don’t see us doing much to help each other. Seeing the separation Honestly, who can blame them? If you don’t see people who need help doing what lies in their power to help themselves, how motivated will you be to help? It’s human nature to feel it easier to help those who are showing by their actions they’re doing what they can to help themselves. Of course, our culture plays a role as well. For many years, singles have their own activities and often their own wards. These factors combined with marriage as a rite of passage within the culture encourage our married friends to think of singles as a group that doesn’t quite belong. It makes it very easy to think, “Well, you singles can do your thing over there, and if you ever get married, then you can join us in the main group over here.” The end result is that many of our married friends in our wards and stakes see us more as time and energy saps than as the children of God we truly are. Understanding how to minister effectively to singles can help with that. Doing the little things that truly help singles doesn’t take much time or energy. Seeing the situation That perspective of seeing singles as a group apart from the main allows leaders to rationalize more easily a disengagement from the lives of singles. And who can blame them for having that perspective when we singles ourselves have disengaged from other singles’ lives? I know there are exceptions, but the rule across the Church is that singles who attend activities aren’t there to support others but rather to seek out a personal agenda. They’re there to check out the dating scene or, for those who have tired of dating, to enjoy themselves. I’ve spoken before about how the dating forum and the activity club each encourage us to focus inward when we should follow the Savior’s example and focus outward. Building a support network helps us to obtain and maintain that outward focus. What if every LDS single who arrived at an activity was warmly welcomed? What would happen if all singles could feel loved and supported by their own? How much goodness would then result? And how much potential are we wasting by not reaching after that? Seeing the solidarity We LDS singles don’t have much moral authority for arguing that our leaders should support us if we aren’t taking advantage of the opportunities we ourselves have to help each other. We have activities to fill needs, not to fill a calendar, and to provide space for singles both to give and to receive support, not just to accomplish a personal agenda. Yes, we want to find our eternal companion, and yes, we’ll always be looking and wondering if So-and-so we just met is that one. That’s human nature. The trick is not to allow that good agenda to crowd out the better or best agenda of building a community in which we all love and support each other. When we congregate to support each other before seeking our own personal interests, we better follow the example of the Savior. We also better align ourselves with the true purpose of our journey in mortality — to learn how to become more like Him. How can we do that without seeing others the way He sees them and seeking to serve them the way He would serve them? In the end, we get what we give. When we give first priority to fulfilling the needs of others, we set an ennobling example for others, including our married friends, to follow. When all of us — married and single — come together into a community of saints who care for each other regardless of status or situation, then many of our needs will be met just by being who we are. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
As many of you know, I have only one goal for 2017 — live my best life. But how do I live my best life when I feel my ward is just a place to go to church and storehouse my membership record? That got me thinking about interactions I’ve had with local leaders. Not finding any support from my ward, I reached out to my stake president. We exchanged emails over a few months mostly due to pauses in between messages. What I found especially frustrating was my failure to feel understood, an experience shared by many LDS singles. I wished my leaders would just stop and listen to me. Then I realized I should take my own medicine. They are, after all, babes in sacrament meeting. As I stopped and listened to their words, I began to perceive they have no clue how to minister effectively to LDS singles. So I dedicated myself to helping them learn. My initial efforts producing no results, I’m taking a different approach — one that will help LDS singles everywhere and not just me. And it starts with a series of programs devoted to this very topic, beginning with this monologue about the role of stake leaders in ministering to singles. Back to basics The idea that stakes can’t effectively minister to singles is a convenient lie. It’s convenient because it allows busy leaders to rationalize inaction as the best response for meeting the needs of singles. And it’s a lie because stake leaders can do much to minister effectively to singles. Admittedly, we’re not talking here about stake officers interacting with every single adult in the stake. That’s impractical. But we are talking about actions stake leaders can take while in the performance of their normal duties. Three principles provide the foundation for all my suggestions for effective ministering to LDS singles.
Understanding stake roles Often stakes simply give wards stewardship over singles. And what typically happens is nothing. Expecting a job to get done without providing accountability is nothing more than wishful thinking. This is where stake presidents can help. In their regular interviews with bishops, they can ask two questions: First, how are the singles in your ward? Second, what are you and the ward council doing to help meet their needs? The few minutes these questions take are all that’s needed to provide accountability. The key is to ask these same questions interview after interview after interview. The first time or two bishops encounter these questions, they’ll likely not have many if any positive answers. By the third time, they’ll come to expect these questions and so take action to have better answers for each next interview. Each repetition of the questions fosters a continued sense of accountability. High council members can support this accountability by promoting attention to singles issues when speaking in individual wards. And instead of just planning activities, stake singles committee members can focus on creating support networks for singles. Coming together Much of the heavy lifting will come from the wards. That said, stakes can do more than they typically do to minister effectively to LDS singles. If your stake leaders believe there’s nothing they can or should do for singles in your stake, please help educate them by pointing them here. LDS singles will never have the support they need if everyone does nothing, and that everyone includes us singles. I am convinced the majority of our leaders want to help but simply don’t know what to do. Point them in a direction that will help them learn. Point them here. Only by taking action do we see any results. Let’s all partner with each other to make life better for LDS singles everywhere. When we do, we’ll all have more joy in our journey.
It appears Sno-mageddon is alive and well. Normally when it snows here, it’s gone within a couple of days. Not this winter. Cold and colder temps attend every dumping of snow over previous layers of snow-turned-ice. For a while I thought we might be getting a break. I’ve been taking advantage of it while preparing to start a new semester. But today, Sno-mageddon struck again, furiously dumping inches of snow within minutes. The college soon cancelled classes. I’m somewhat disappointed. I certainly want my students safe. But with Monday being a holiday and now today being cancelled, we’ve just passed our first week of the semester without ever having class! Yet when I learned of the school closure, I didn’t shift into panic mode or even survival mode. I shifted into thrive mode by preparing to take what I’ve been given and shine gloriously with it. Not here to fail My experience today resembles LDS singles life. Just as I didn’t anticipate a freak blizzard eliminating class, many LDS singles have met unintended circumstances. We were preparing for a different experience when events beyond our control forced us in a new direction. Lost opportunities can yield heartache, disappointment, and concern about the future. Yet we can always choose our response. Many of us struggle to choose optimism. We yearn after hope but feel overwhelmed by despair. I’ve felt that many times in my life. How do you go on when everything around you seems to say you’ll never do anything but fail? You must awake to this realization: Not everything around you indicates you’ll fail. God certainly doesn’t believe that about you. He loves you. He believes in you. He sent you here to succeed and that gloriously. And He’s constantly pleading with you to believe in those truths. When you do, “the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). More than surviving We can get so busy keeping up with life’s demands that we wonder if we’ll ever succeed in having a good life, let alone our best life. Mere survival appears increasingly like a noble virtue. But do you think God sent you here so you could merely survive? Or did He send you here to thrive? Thriving is more than surviving. Thriving is living life with zest and optimism. It’s living in the moment, extracting every ounce of joy that moment offers. It’s exuding confidence in the future that faith will not go unrewarded. I honestly don’t see how any Latter-day Saint — single or married — can experience that without partnering with the Lord for his or her life. That’s best done by seeking Him first. Yet many of us are seeking first the wrong life partner. We naturally want to belong, so when our culture pairs belonging with marriage, we look for someone who’ll help us belong. Plus we yearn for someone who can take away the loneliness, discouragement, and pain of being single. That someone is Christ. He taught, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 5:40). Instead of looking first for an eternal companion to alleviate our troubles, we should look first for the Lord Who can do that and more. Instead of seeking first that special someone to take to the temple, we should seek first to walk with the Lord in the temple. Weather any storm The Lord’s love provides the strength to weather any storm. Nephi understood this. Bound to his ship’s mast in a violent sea, his wrists and ankles became severely swollen. Yet he didn’t complain nor cease to look to the Lord. Nephi always had trouble, yet he partnered with the Lord. Can anyone honestly think his life was not his best life? The Lord can lift you to heights you could never imagine alone. Why settle for the companion you might have now when He can lead you to the companion you most need to have, the one you need for your best life? With the Lord at your side, you can trust all will eventually resolve for your good. That faith allows you to release everything preventing you from living life joyfully in this and every moment. Hope, optimism, and positive energy naturally result from living with the Lord as your first life partner. Don’t just survive. Thrive! Partner first with the Lord Who will help you to hear the whisperings of His Spirit more fully, see His tender mercies around you every day, and feel His love for you in powerful and undeniable ways. He can make more out of your life than you can without Him. He will bring you to your best life. And that will certainly provide you with more joy in your journey.
Heaven indeed hears our cries. This past weekend the Church released a new series of seven videos. I’m excited to see what seems like the Brethren in Salt Lake attempting to change the culture of the Church. Without diminishing the role of the family in the gospel plan, they seem to be encouraging members to replace our current family-centered culture with a Christ-centered culture, one in which all members feel they belong. The speakers in the new videos don’t directly call out the problem of singles not fitting in with the family-centered culture of the Church, although they scream that very message as I watch them. I suspect the Brethren want to speak in more general terms so their message can have broader application. Whatever their reasoning, I support the Brethren. Although not every video addresses the problem many singles have with attending church, most of them do. And they do it without mentioning the words single, married, or family. Here’s the new videos by speaker and title.
Note that all the brethren are apostles and the two sisters serve in general auxiliary presidencies. Although all these videos are outstanding, the comments from Elder Christofferson and Sister McConkie most impressed me. Walking together Since I’m a gentleman, let’s consider the lady first. Sister McConkie does a bang-up job of calling attention to the neglected and ignored among us. Even though she never says the word single, you know she’s talking about singles. Sister McConkie admits she knows “people who come to church every Sunday so they can be inspired and uplifted and who just simply walk away feeling judged and unloved, unneeded, like there is no place for them at church. We need to do this differently.” Can I get an amen? Seriously, if that’s not a call to change the culture, albeit a tongue-in-cheek one, I don’t know what is. She continues, We cannot allow judgement to dictate the way we interact with people. It’s just not right. . . . We just cannot be or even call ourselves a disciple of Christ if we are not helping others along that path. The gospel of Jesus Christ does not marginalize people. People marginalize people. And we have to fix that. We need to be sensitive and love them and allow them the opportunity to grow and to blossom and to be their best selves. They have talents and abilities and personality that is needed in the kingdom of God, and if we’re going to build the kingdom of God on the earth we need everyone to come, to come and do their part. And we need to recognize that. When anyone’s shadow darkens the door of the chapel, they ought to feel immediately embraced and loved and lifted and inspired, that when they walk out that door, to go and be better because they know the Lord loves them and because they have friends in their faith. Wow! That sweet vision would make a wonderful reality for LDS singles everywhere! We need to walk together, singles and marrieds, helping each other along the journey to our eternal home. I love that bit about building the kingdom. If we’re going to be serious — I mean really serious — about building God’s Kingdom on earth, then we have to include every faithful soul. We do play a part, but it’s not about us. It’s about everyone, and that means reaching out to include everyone so everyone can play their part. Coming together Elder Christofferson does no less in maintaining that glorious banner. He directly pursues the question of fitting in with a positive and emphatic yes. Like the speakers in the other videos, he never uses words like single, married, and family. Yet we all know his words apply in that context. He then brings up Paul’s classic analogy that we’re all “many members yet but one body” in Christ (1 Corinthians 12:20). I especially love Paul’s rhetoric questions: "If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?” (1 Corinthians 12:15–17) In God’s design for His Kingdom, everyone willing to make covenants with Him is needed. The problem comes when many LDS singles don’t feel needed. I love how Elder Christofferson acknowledges the reality of such feelings and then offers a two prong solution: The diversity we find now in the Church may be just the beginning. Frankly, I think we’ll see greater and greater diversity. In the ancient church there was tremendous diversity. And it’s not just diversity for diversity’s sake, but the fact that people can bring different gifts and perspectives and the wide range of experience and backgrounds and challenges that people face will show us what really is essential in the gospel of Christ and that much of the rest that’s been perhaps acquired over time and is more cultural than doctrinal can slip away and we can really learn to be disciples. So on the one hand, we’ve got to be better as a people at receiving and helping and walking together with everybody, and on the other hand, every individual needs to be determined that they’re going to have a place in the kingdom of God. They’re going to have a place in the body of Christ. And others who are thoughtless or careless or worse can’t prohibit that, can’t drive them away, can’t take it away from them” (emphasis added). Yes, LDS singles need to own their life and control their reality by controlling their focus. At the same time, I love Elder Christofferson’s recognition that some of what we do is “more cultural than doctrinal [and] can slip away.” I’ll gladly place our alienating family-centered culture on that list. Of course, changing that culture means coming together and being real disciples of the Master. But isn’t that we should be doing anyway? Rising together A new day is dawning. The time when LDS singles needed to have the mark of belonging to the Church community to get the help they need is dying. Rising is a time when true disciples of the Lord reach out and bring all willing to make covenants with God together in a grand, diverse unity of the faith. Single and married will be situations, not identities. And the culture we embrace and promote will center on the Savior, He Who spilt His precious blood so that all of us could be redeemed. The time has come for us to walk together. The time has come for us to embrace a true unity of the faith. The time has come for us to be true disciples of Christ and start building the Kingdom for real. The time has come for us to change the culture.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been talking about local LDS leaders who fail to understand how to minister effectively to singles. No one was intended to do life alone, and yet that’s the reality for many LDS singles everywhere. I really like President Nelson’s perspective in his latest Conference address. It offers more hope than any other answer I’ve encountered. And it’s Christ-centered, which probably explains why it offers the most hope. Some might interpret that answer to mean we LDS singles can fulfill all of our needs by ourselves simply by changing the way we think. That’s far from true. I can’t meet all of my needs by myself. No one can. We all need others to be involved in our lives while we journey the bumpy road that is mortality. I’ve discussed before how our greatest need as singles is to have others walk with us. That need is our greatest in part because it remains unmet for so many of us. Yet I’m convinced that many local leaders neglect singles not because they don’t want to help but because they don’t know how. Today I’d like to tackle that issue directly. Adopting a more effective approach In my recent “conversations” with my stake president, I found his description of simply passing the buck for ministering to singles over to the wards as “more effective” especially annoying. How is a model that produces zero results more effective? I get why the stake does that. They think the wards are better suited to interact with singles on an individual level. And generally that’s true. The problem comes with its attendant assumption. Just because you say the wards are responsible doesn’t mean they’ll follow through. I wish a lot were that easy. But the universe doesn’t work that way. God was able to speak the words of creation and it was so because when He spoke workers followed instructions. In like manner, we need to say the words we want to make reality, and then we need to work to make them reality. My years of experience as a ward and stake rep as well as working with singles issues through my blog and now my radio program suggest a different approach. Ministering more effectively to singles involves a partnership between the stake and the wards. Everyone has a part to play. Stakes provide accountability Stakes must provide accountability. Without accountability, the wards aren’t likely to do anything. Ward leaders are usually busy people. Between the demands of just work, family, and their calling, they’ve got a lot on their plate. Expecting them to do more without following up is wishful thinking. In a family-centered culture, those without families are very easily overlooked. Fortunately, stakes can easily provide accountability. Every stake president has regular interviews with the bishops in his stake. He can provide sufficient accountability by asking two questions in each successive interview: 1) How are the singles in your ward? (Be sure to insist on names and details in an answer.) 2) How is your ward council organizing to help them? These questions take only a few minutes. The key is to ask these same two questions interview after interview after interview. Hearing that repetition, most bishops will get moving because they’ll want to have good answers for the questions they know they’ll be asked. The stake can offer training to those who say they don’t know what to do. In addition, the stake performs about 20% of the groundwork, providing activities so singles from different wards can interact and support each other. I’ve no space here to delve into further detail, but anyone who says stakes can’t minister effectively to singles doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Wards supply action Once bishops understand their stake president will ask them two key questions in their next interview, they do what they should’ve been doing all along — counseling with their ward council on how best to meet the needs of individual singles in their ward. Bishops should have regular interviews with every active single in the ward. He counsels with those interested in obtaining their next essential ordinance. Regular interviews can communicate a sense of support, provide valuable insight that can aid ward council deliberations, and allow pivotal teaching moments that can help singles make the changes they need to make. Singles also need real home teachers, but Elder Holland already pretty much said it all on that count. In the end, singles wants results when it comes to meeting their needs. Ministering to singles is very easy once everyone understands and plays their part. Working together we can all walk together, arriving at our heavenly home. And what a glorious day that will be.
As I read his address, I began to see more of the profundity behind the simple truth that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father. Elder Hallstrom repeatedly proclaims throughout his remarks that this identity should be the preeminent one in our lives. And that caught my attention, because often I’m not convinced it really is, especially for LDS singles. Remember the true center The culture of the Church centers on family. I wish it centered on Christ. After all, everything else about the Church does. The doctrine, the scriptures, the priesthood, the ordinances — everything about the Church centers on Christ except for the family-centered culture. That’s why the mark of belonging is being married with kids. And you need both elements to belong, hence the struggles of childless married couples as well as singles to feel like they really fit in. If the culture centered on Christ, then the mark of belonging would be discipleship of the Savior. That’s one reason why Elder Hallstrom’s address resonated with me. What if we saw each other not through the lens of martial status but rather that of divine lineage? What unity could we develop with that perspective? How much better prepared would we as a people be to receive the Lord when He comes again? Our Lord has said, “If ye are not one, ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27). I don’t know about you, but I want to be the Lord’s. Remember your divine heritage Early in his remarks, Elder Hallstrom shares, “A correct understanding of our heavenly heritage is essential to our exaltation.” Why is that? Let me answer with another question. How do we really understand our purpose here in mortality unless we understand where we came from? Knowing we’re children of God promotes faith in Him that our existence here is part of a much grander plan to make us glorious beyond description. That perspective can help us face the storms of life. Elder Hallstrom referenced many of those storms when he said, In real life, we face actual, not imagined, hardships. There is pain—physical, emotional, and spiritual. There are heartbreaks when circumstances are very different from what we had anticipated. There is injustice when we do not seem to deserve our situation. There are disappointments when someone we trusted failed us. There are health and financial setbacks that can be disorienting. There may be times of question when a matter of doctrine or history is beyond our current understanding. Certainly that list of trials describes life for many LDS singles. And so the questions Elder Hallstrom poses are just as pertinent. What is our response when confronting difficulty? Do we forget our divine heritage and cower in fear before the very experiences that we need to grow and claim the glory that is our birthright? Or do we remember our divine heritage and embrace the challenges before us, looking for the opportunities in the experiences that form part of the plan our Heavenly Father has instigated for our eternal destiny? Elder Hallstrom shares a remark made by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland while teaching about this principle. Said Elder Holland, “You can have what you want, or you can have something better.” What a perspective!
We live in a world that can cause us to forget who we really are. The more distractions that surround us, the easier it is to treat casually, then ignore, and then forget our connection with God. Unfortunately, for many LDS singles the family-centered culture of the Church can be a part of that world causing them to forget who they really are. We LDS singles can focus so much on the marital status we don’t have that we forget the much more meaningful identity we do have. Remembering that identity can help us better access our Lord’s Atonement, which can strengthen us as we encounter the pains, the heartbreaks, the injustices, and the disappointments that come to us in mortality.
And here’s the best part. If we LDS singles would focus more on our discipleship than on our marital status, we could change the culture that presents us with one of our greatest challenges. We could influence its center to move towards Christ. We could all — single and married — come together and truly be one. We could increase our power as a people to stand firm in support of our covenants and the truths of the gospel, including the institution of the family. So remember who you are. That divine heritage can help you to reach for the light and have more joy in your journey. For the past year Church leaders have promoted renewed attention on keeping the Sabbath day holy. This fits right in with my blog for the past two weeks. Taking a regular break from the cares of our lives can rejuvenate us to start over. And clearing and respecting the space to honor the Sabbath helps us to live our best life. But what can we do on the Sabbath? We commonly hear, “Spend time with family.” That answer doesn’t really help singles who don’t have their own family. Furthermore, single parents with children can easily feel the Sabbath is far from delightful when their children make constant demands on their attention. Over the years I’ve heard singles complain there’s nothing for them to do on Sundays. These individuals often focus on the obstacles — what we’re told not to do — rather than the opportunities — the possibilities for making the Sabbath “a delight” (Isaiah 58:13). Your focus becomes your reality. So let’s make our reality of Sabbath day observance delightful by focusing on some possibilities for honoring the Lord’s day. Seed your creativity A recent blog post on the Church website provides an original list of appropriate Sabbath activities. What I love most about this list is the seed it provides to one’s creativity in the search for possibilities of new but appropriate Sabbath-day observance. Although geared towards families with children, the list contains some items perfectly suited towards singles. For instance,
Other items on the list are more family oriented, so if you're a single parent, this list can seed your thinking. But with a little adjustment, it can do likewise for singles without families of their own. For example,
Open the door With a little creativity, you can open the door of possibilities. As just shown, that can mean adjusting ideas on the Church-provided list to your situation. But it can also mean opening your mind to many ideas not on that list. Family history work. Family history work is a great way to spend the Sabbath. I personally don’t do family history work on Sunday because many others are, slowing down the servers. But if that doesn’t bother you, have at it! The refining and purifying effect of participation in family history work is a great way to make the Sabbath “a delight.” Plan your week. The Sabbath “is a day appointed unto you to rest from your labors, and to pay thy devotions unto the Most High” (D&C 59:10). A weekly planning session can help you do just that. Taking a step back from your weekly routine can help you see more clearly how well you’re keeping your covenants. Are you making time for what matters most? Planning your week can help you clear the spaces you need to respect in order to live your best life. Learn a new language. Language study keeps your mind agile, helping you confront challenges during your week more effectively. Language study can also help you gain insights from the scriptures in other languages as well as share the gospel with more people (D&C 88:78-80). Plus it can help you to teach your children to speak other languages, preparing them for future missionary service. And it need not cost a lot of money. Most adequate foreign language dictionaries cost around $5, an introductory lesson series on MP3 from Pimsleur costs around $20, and many smartphone apps such as Duolingo are free. Resources abound; you just have to look for them. Read a good book. I love reading, especially Sunday reading. It’s a great way to rest from my weekly cares and make the Sabbath truly delightful. Of course, there are plenty more ideas out there. Partner with the Lord to find the ideas that make the Sabbath your delight. Then make it happen. And if you have an activity idea that has helped you, feel free to share it below. Let’s help each other make the Sabbath more delightful for all of us. Then we can all reap the blessings of keeping the Sabbath day holy.
the General Conference addresses. I always have a hard time picking just one. Returning again and again to Conference is a great idea. As I recently returned to Conference, Elder Dale G. Renlund’s remarks entitled “Through God’s Eyes” spoke to me again. Reading his words, I found a powerful message I wish many of our local leaders would receive when ministering to us LDS singles.
But seeing Chad’s parents as they saw their dead son shattered that emotional distance. Elder Renlund’s own words say it best. Then Elder Renlund delivered the crux of his message:
How I wish our local leaders could see us LDS singles as God sees us! Too often no one mourns with us when we mourn or comforts us when we need comforting. It’s easy to say they do that because they’re so focused on family. As true as that may be, I think a larger reason for their inactivity in our lives is they simply don’t see us as God sees us.
Seeing as God sees Too many leaders reduce singles committees to activity planning groups. They think all they need to do is provide a fireside, a dance, a conference, or some other activity. Then they can rest easy, having “done their duty.” As wonderful as many of these activities are, not a single one helped me when my cat died, or when I needed a job, or when my girlfriend broke up with me. When the storms of life came to me, I needed support. I needed others to reach out to me and put their arm around me and help me to keep walking. Who was there for me? Not my ward or stake leaders. And neither were any of their agents. My experiences in different parts of the country convince me that many other LDS singles have the same problem. And I think it’s because our local leaders see us more as numbers on a membership report rather than children of God trying to get back to the same heavenly home they are. And I think they see themselves more as activity sponsors than as ministers of the Good Shepherd to a beloved part of His flock. Turning the tables Pointing the finger of blame at others is really easy. But for every finger we point at others, there are three more pointed back at us. So let’s turn this question around. What are we doing to see our leaders and other married friends in the Church as God sees them? Are we using the same lenses of compassion and concern we want them to use when viewing us? Our complaints about their failure to support us won’t go far if we aren’t supporting them. Elder Renlund gives some good counsel in this regard. Said he,
I say we go one step further. We should pray that not only we ourselves be filled with this love but also our ward and stake leaders. We should plead with God to open their eyes to our situation and their hearts to our suffering. We should cry for heaven’s help in supporting them and call angels to incline our leaders in our direction. And we should plead with God every day for this. The changes we want to see in our culture won’t happen unless we look within and change ourselves first. We have to start seeing our leaders as God sees them if we want them to see us as God sees us. And we LDS singles have to start seeing each other, our fellow LDS singles, as God sees all of us. Only after we adopt that perspective will we see clearly the path we need to take to invite others to come together and live in Zion for real. I pray that we will all adopt this vision and continue to pray for the changes we need in ourselves so that the changes we need in others can come more readily.
Welcome to the new home for my blog. It all started back in 2012 — 12/12/12 to be exact. I couldn’t let the opportunity to start something on a date like that pass me by. Little did I know that my first year would be training for what you see today. And I’ve changed along the way. Now that my blog has a new home and we’re starting a new year, I thought it only fitting that I establish a few expectations. This first post may turn out to be the longest post I make, so if you aren’t comfy, now is a good time to get there. First, it's not about me. When I started my blog, I had some ideas that needed expression. Many of those ideas were in a book about LDS singles that I've been working on since January 2011. In researching how best to publicize the book, I found the ubiquitous advice to start a blog and use it to promote the book. But that doesn’t work for me. See, I started with that idea. And I found along the way that it led me to make everything about me. I felt the tendency to make outrageous comments to drive more traffic or to write for search engine robots to increase page ranking. But things like that don’t matter. It’s people that matter, and it's relationships with people that matter most. That’s why I started writing my book in the first place. It’s a longer story that I can share later if you’re interested. Bottom line = I wanted to create something that would help the growing LDS singles population confront and conquer the challenges of LDS singles life. So I’m turning conventional wisdom on its head. Writers use blogs as marketing tools to promote books. To me, that’s all backwards. I intend my book to support the blog. And I see the blog as a platform for changing the culture within the Church. We need to get more serious about building Zion. A big part of that means changing how we think about what it means to be single in the Church. Too many LDS singles feel like second class citizens in the Church of Mormon Families Who Sometimes Talk about Christ when they should feel like equal members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But the culture will never change if we don’t do anything. We need to start having a conversation about LDS singles life, one that encourages all of us to change the way we think about what it means to be single in the Church. There are changes that marrieds need to make and many more changes that singles need to make. We need to support one another in these changes. That means we have to cut the crap and speak the truth. I’ve been single now for almost 20 years. That’s two decades. So I’m tired of all the high school games and other associated crap that I’ve dealt with in that time period. I want real. I want to connect with other people on a real level and not have everything revolve around my marital status and my desires for eternal companionship. So when I see crap from anyone, I’m calling them out on it. That means some of you will discount me or try to ignore me because what I have to say will contradict whatever agenda you have. Others I will simply annoy. Still others will outright hate me. I’m okay with all of that. You see, I want real. I understand that not everyone is prepared for the truth. That is part of what my book is all about. We all develop habits in which we continue to believe lies about the way the world and our lives are constructed, because those lies make us feel more comfortable. But I’m done with all of that. I want real. That means embracing the truth, no matter what it may seem to do to me in the here and now. And I got three words for those of you who aren’t prepared to hear the truth. I don't care. That’s right. Again, it’s not about me. It’s about changing the culture so that we LDS singles can more easily confront our challenges and we can all — married and single — get about the business of building Zion for real. That is, after all, what all of us covenanted to do at baptism and in the temple. Oh, and I don’t care applies to just about everything. That doesn’t mean I’m going to trample intentionally on the feelings of others. It doesn’t mean I won’t attempt to regard the views of others with respect and courtesy. I probably won't always succeed, as imperfect as I am, but I will strive to be a gentleman. What I don't care does mean is when you read one of my posts, you’re getting real — the real me, what I really think and feel, and all presented in a real way. I don’t care about search engine robots because I write for people. I don’t care about page rank or other Internet statistics which in eternity will be meaningless. I don’t care if I continue writing posts week after week which generate no comments. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me or my opinions. I want real, and I can’t get real if I put on rose-colored glasses and pretend that everything is just peachy when in reality it’s putrid. If a cow crapped it out, I’m going to call it what it really is — cow crap! That means that a lot of conventional wisdom and me just won’t mix. I’m done trying to be someone I'm not just to impress someone into having a relationship with me — and that’s any type of relationship, not just the romantic kind. I’m done living the lie of a life on autopilot. I’m done going through the motions of being an “active” Latter-day Saint. I want to do what I do because I truly feel it deep inside. I want what I do to mean something. I want real. Real also means I don’t look on people reading my blog as customers to be marketed to constantly. I don’t like receiving constant emails telling me how I can’t live without purchasing XYZ, so I’ll never send anyone anything like that. It’s not about me or my book. It’s about building a community through which we can change the culture by changing the way we think about LDS singles life. I refuse to believe it cannot be done. I refuse to follow the herd just because everyone else is doing it. I refuse to believe what I say and do makes no difference. I refuse to believe I'm second-rate or that God must want me to be single because I haven’t yet experienced the subcultural rite of passage that is temple marriage. And I refuse to back down. Sure, I’m imperfect, very much so. I've got more imperfections than Swiss cheese has holes. I understand that my endeavors may result in total and complete failure. But that just brings me back to the three words I shared earlier. I don't care. You see, I’ve failed so many times in my life at just about everything in life that I am not certain whether failure has any real meaning anymore. But I am certain that just going through the motions is meaningless. I want real. And real is what you will get from me.
I envision a glorious future in which LDS marrieds and singles come together and build Zion – a place where everyone cares for everyone and everyone looks out for everyone. That is the place where I want to be, whether or not I ever find my eternal companion. Of course, such a place is more made than found, which brings me back to my first point. It’s not about me. It’s about lifting a light so that others can see amidst the darkness. It’s about bringing hope to those in despair. It’s about changing the way that we all think so that we can unite and build Zion. And it’s about becoming more like our Savior so that we can live there and feel like we belong. |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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