Yet the Prophet’s remarks weren’t the only ones which inspired and impressed themselves upon me. President Dallin H. Oaks’s address entitled “Small and Simple Things” reminded me of the great power of small actions performed consistently over time. To be clear, I’ve always liked President Oaks. His logical approach to addressing any question has always resonated with me. And he’s been a real champion for LDS singles. Some of the most classic discourses for singles have come from him. Considering that admiration, I’m always impressed with his remarks. But something was different for me this around. As President Oaks spoke, I felt an urgent need to consider what small and simple things I have in my life. Ask the questions President Oaks began by sharing two photographs each showing a tree with a root that had slowly grown underneath an adjacent sidewalk and cracked it. He observed that “the thrusting power that cracked these heavy concrete sidewalks was too small to measure on a daily or even a monthly basis, but its effect over time was incredibly powerful.” President Oaks then mentioned many of the small and simple things that can uplift us (like prayer, scripture study, and repentance) as well as those small and simple things that can hold us back. He of course mentioned the Word of Wisdom and pornography in this regard. But I remain impressed with the other areas he included in his cautions:
For good or ill, those small and simple things we embrace consistently will shape us into who we become. President Oaks quoted Brigham Young when speaking on this point.
All this begs questions for each of us. What small and simple things do I have in my life? Will they lead me where I want to go? And what ones should I have to help me achieve my goals and dreams? Consider the time Whatever we decide to incorporate into our lives will have little if any effect if we don’t perform it consistently. The half-hearted, occasional, or sporadic effort won’t produce change. Consistency is the key that unlocks success. What really struck me about President Oaks’s remarks is his holistic perspective. Of course he mentioned the small and simple things we’d expect, like prayer and scripture study. But he also talked about other things, like how we spend our time. So many of us spend so much time in consumption. We constantly seek to be entertained. We often think more about how we can satisfy our own desires than how we can help someone else. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have a good time and enjoy ourselves. I’m just saying we shouldn’t be spending so much time consuming at the expense of time producing. Excess consumption practiced consistently will not make you any better, nor will it improve anyone else’s life. And if no one’s life is better because of how you spent your time, how can that not be considered a waste of time? Embrace your daily practice Many of President Oaks’s examples of small and simple things describe our environment. And indeed, much of our environment we make with what we choose. Lately I’ve been discovering the choices I make in the first and last hours of the day largely determine my environment during the day. There’s nothing hugely momentous that I practice in either of these hours. I of course have prayer and scripture study but also embrace exercise, reading, language study, and meditation. Taken together, my daily practices form only about 8% of my day. But I’m starting to feel effects growing within me from my consistency in performing these small and simple acts every day, including increased confidence, increased desire to work, greater feelings of gratitude and abundance, and of course less distance between myself and my Heavenly Father. What small and simple things do you have in your life? Are they helping you to become everything you’re capable of becoming? Or are they preventing you from improving? The Lord has said, “Out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33). When we consistently practice the small and simple things that uplift, we can achieve the impossible. And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
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Like most things in life, LDS dating has its own set of challenges. And like most challenges, our ability to come off conqueror depends upon our attitude and our approach. Unfortunately, many LDS singles remain single because they have a completely wrong attitude and a completely wrong approach. Last week we discussed some of the ways in which LDS singles can improve their approach. Although not comprehensive, that discussion provides some ideas for starting the change towards securing better results. Yet, as good as those ideas are, they won’t take you very far without the right attitude. That’s because your approach always takes root in your attitude. Even if you have a more effective approach, a bad attitude will water that garden with contaminated water that will destroy whatever blooms your approach encouraged. Conversely, a good attitude will prosper that garden into providing a harvest of beautiful blossoms. And the best part is that you can choose the attitude you embrace. It all starts when you boot out the negative from your life. Leave the past in the past Have you ever seen ads for investments? They always have some fine print somewhere that essentially says past performance does not guarantee future earnings. Now, why is that? They’re trying to cover themselves. After all, the future’s not written. Anything could happen. That’s just as true for our lives as it is for a financial portfolio. Yet too many of us don’t believe that. We believe that somehow the past determines our future. We think we’re deficient or “less than” because of something that happened to us. Or maybe it’s because of something that hasn’t happened to us. Our focus turns more towards the negative, and before long our reality is negative as well. It doesn’t have to be that way. Our past will become our future only if we choose that. If we choose differently, then our lives will be different. It all starts when we leave the past in the past and believe a brighter tomorrow awaits us ahead. Yes, whatever bad thing happened to you happened. OK, great. Now it’s time to move on. Do you want a different future? Move towards it! Watch the self-talk Moving towards a better future means gaining control over your self-talk. I’ve discussed self-talk so often in this forum because it’s absolutely essential to having joy all along your journey. Up to 95% of our emotions comes from self-talk. Self-talk is essentially the messages we give ourselves. Most of it operates out of habit, so whether it’s positive or negative, you’ll drown yourself in whatever you’ve programmed your habit to play to you. And yes, you have programmed your self-talk habit. That may sound discouraging, but it really isn’t. If you make conscious choices in how you program your self-talk habit, you can feed yourself positive messages that will uplift and inspire you. You can feed yourself hope, optimism, and light that will support you in moving towards a positive future that’s very different from whatever past you may have. All this is possible because you can choose what messages you give yourself. Make the change We choose not only the messages we give to ourselves but also the messages we give to others. Even some of the messages our world gives us we can choose. After all, we choose our environment. We choose our friends. We choose what media we allow in our lives. With so much that you choose for yourself, your life is very much what you’ve decided it to be. When you accept responsibility for the results your choices have brought you and own your life, a whole new world of possibilities opens before you. You become free from the shackles of self-limiting beliefs and excuses. You can do anything because you have the power within you. You can move forward to make whatever change you need to make. No longer held back by your past or held down by your self-talk, you can change your life when you change yourself and the way you think. So boot out the negative! Get it out of your life and replaced with the positive. Immersing yourself in that energy will empower you to become everything your Heavenly Father wants you to become. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
Making conscious choices allows you to overcome the challenges of your life. By breaking you out of autopilot, they break you free of the bonds of a mediocre life. But your life won’t escape mediocrity if you make conscious choices about only a few things. You must make conscious choices about everything. That can burden just as much as the mediocre life your conscious choices helps you overcome. Instead of swapping burdens around, you can leverage the power of habit. By working on your life one area at a time, you can adopt the habit of making conscious choices in a way that tips the balance towards liberating you. For many, personal finances will likely top that list of life areas to reform. New Years resolutions regarding finances enjoy almost as much popularity as losing weight. Plus it’s just hard to feel free in other aspects of your life when this one area has you in bondage. You need not feel imprisoned. Just as you can free yourself from the shackles of old, defunct ways of thinking, you can remove the chains of financial servitude. You can put your house in order. Pay your tithing The first step is to give the Creator of the universe what He’s marked as His. In so doing, you access the powers of heaven. Given the strong, thick cords that often comprise financial bonds, getting all the help you can just makes sense. In my life, I’ve almost always paid tithing. Yes, I said almost. And yes, there’s a story behind that. When I switched my career to education, I couldn’t find a job. So I made my own by starting a tutoring business. I learned lots in that experience, but I also didn’t make any money. And when you don’t make any money, you don’t pay tithing. I had that business for just over a year — plenty of time to develop a habit of not paying tithing. So when I finally found a job in education, I followed my default habit and didn’t pay tithing. And, as I look back now upon that time, I see I didn’t have the blessings that come with paying tithing. I’ve worked hard to re-establish the habit I once had, and now I’m seeing the blessings from paying tithing. The Lord has provided miracle after miracle in providing me financial support once I first walk by faith and pay my tithing. No financial house can be in order where tithing is not paid. Eliminate your debt Of course, excessive debt also indicates a financial house out of order. No matter how hard you work, interest will always work harder. Interest never sleeps. Interest never eats. Interest never stops. Just like turning off the faucet stops an overflowing bathtub, the first step to clearing debt is to stop the flow of new charges to your existing debt. This requires a huge amount of discipline which many people don’t have (which is why they have financial problems to begin with). But there’s good news. If you pay your tithing, you can access the powers of heaven to turn things around. I can’t tell you how amazing it felt to write the last check that paid off my student loans. I also remember when I received the title for my car. Those were wonderful moments when I savored freedom. They didn’t come all at once. They came as I exercised the discipline month after month to pay the small portions I could every month. Step by step, I achieved my freedom. Save what you can Once you get out of debt, it’s best to stay out. And part of that is having enough in store to weather the rainy days that will surely come your way. One accident, one job loss, or one other unfortunate event can quickly bring you back into the bondage of indebtedness. Again, the end result doesn’t happen overnight. You need the discipline month after month to set aside what little you can every month into savings. And you need the discipline not to touch that money outside of legitimate emergency need. I’ve never been a profligate spender, so I’ve always saved by default. Most people aren’t that way; they spend most of what they earn every month. Still, I can see some wisdom in making the conscious choice to set aside a certain amount for savings every month. There’s a difference between simply letting something happen and acting to ensure it happens. In the end, the conscious choices we make in managing our money reveal the discipline we have in managing ourselves. By making the right conscious choices, we can have a house in order. And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
Today is Valentine’s Day — the day when every man with a significant other must make an expected love offering to his significant other. That could take the form of flowers or chocolate or something else — or even some combination of the above. If you’re in this category, then you know what I’m talking about. Then there are the myriads of LDS singles who don’t have that special someone in their life. Many of these will be pining away in their lack, yearning to have what they don’t have, and frustrated that the life plan our LDS subculture gives us all hasn’t worked out for them. They focus on what they lack and the belief that they are so much less because of that lack. Because your focus always determines your reality, their reality is one of lack. Yet not all singles associate Singles Awareness Day with negativity. These hardy souls reject defunct, old ways of thinking and adopt better ways of thinking that produce a better focus leading to a better reality. These singles focus on what they can do, what they can give, and how they can serve. They partner with the Lord in fulfilling a personal ministry. In essence, they ditch the pity party. Envision a new reality Some years ago I wrote what I’ve come to regard as a classic blog post on the pity party. If you have any doubt pity parties are dungeons of doom to be avoided, please read that post. You’ll find your time well spent. More than one Singles Awareness Day has passed since I wrote that post. I can honestly say that I was emotionally stable for each of them. I never felt like crying or surrendering to a pit of despair or even The Pit of Despair of The Princess Bride fame. In fairness I should acknowledge I had a significant other for at least one of them, and in that event I made sure to satisfy that special someone. But during the other Singles Awareness Days in which I had no significant other (like today), I felt as though the day was no different from any other. What I’m describing is not apathy or disconnectedness. It’s a reality created by a different focus and a different way of thinking. And I’m not the only LDS single who has them. Truly believe the gospel Do we know something pity party advocates don’t? Assuming we’re all LDS, not really. We all know the same basic truths of the restored gospel. The difference is in what we believe. We truly believe the Lord loves us so much He can’t wait to bless us. The Lord will play His part in realizing our desired blessings. We understand we also have a part to play, but we believe that, in addition to playing His part, the Lord will help us to play ours. That faith allows us to let go of the frustration associated with wanting what we don’t now have. We believe Him so much that we’re willing to wait on Him. Instead of focusing on what we lack, we focus on what we have. That focus allows us to see the tender mercies of the Lord surrounding us every day. And it allows us to feel the love of the Lord for us in every one of those tender mercies. Embrace new ways of thinking Truly believing the truths of the restored gospel is just the first difference in our beliefs. The second difference lies in what we believe about happiness. Long-time audience members will recognize my definition of happiness: Happiness isn’t just doing the right things but giving your all to the right things for you. We truly believe that definition of happiness. And we demonstrate that belief by living it. I devoted the entire radio program last week to this new way of thinking about happiness. We know happiness is a choice. And because we always have a choice regardless of our circumstances, we can always find happiness no matter what life may bring us. We don’t need to wait to be happy, and we aren’t. No desire to host a pity party can touch us. We’ve effectively ditched the pity party. You too can ditch the pity party, if you haven’t done so already. You can change your focus from what you lack to what you have. You can change your thinking about happiness. You can choose to trust the Lord and walk by faith. When you do, you’ll free yourself from all the negative emotions that often attend pity parties. You’ll see that you don’t have to wait to be happy. You’ll rise towards your best self. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
Stephen Covey often said you don’t want to exert yourself climbing a ladder only to find it leaning against the wrong wall. He said this to teach the importance of priorities. We need to move ourselves towards what matters most. The same analogy holds true with how we think. We need to think about ourselves and our world in ways that move us towards what matters most. Otherwise, we’ll spend countless amounts of energy in unproductive ways only to find ourselves no closer to the blessings we seek. This is very true for LDS singles. Too many of us obstruct our own paths towards the blessings we seek. Defunct, old ways of thinking about ourselves and our world keep us feeling very much like that hamster down at the local pet store — always spinning our wheels but never really getting anywhere. Many of the negative emotions many LDS singles experience are completely unnecessary. If you feel trapped in a negative reality, consider your focus. Your reality always comes from your focus. And your focus comes from the way you think. Change the way you think, and you can be happy regardless of your circumstances. Happy in how we’re thinking Many LDS singles don’t think that way. They believe their reality comes from what they have rather than how they think. They believe they can be happy only when they have a special someone in their life. Is it really lack that creates unhappiness? Or is it the way we think about happiness? I’ve known many people on my mission who were happy yet had very little in terms of this world’s goods. I’ve also known many singles who had nothing in terms of a special someone who were very happy. And I’ve known many marrieds who had that special someone and were very unhappy. Clearly it’s not having that brings happiness. Happiness comes from giving your all to the right things. It’s not in getting but in giving. It’s not in having but in how we’re thinking. Happy before and after the blessing But why then go through all the emotional turmoil of dating to get something you don’t really need to be happy? LDS singles understand that marriage and family are parts of Heavenly Father’s plan, blessings He wants all of His children to experience. These are some of the right things to which we need to give ourselves. The problem comes in thinking we can’t be happy until we have the blessing or we can’t be happy unless we’re moving towards the blessing. Of course, we should be doing what lies in our power to achieve eternal blessings. But we shouldn’t obsess over it to the point where we hang our happiness in the balance of having versus not having. That sort of binary thinking will never bring lasting happiness. Lasting happiness comes when we give ourselves to the right things. Those right things include our discipleship, the friends and family we do have, and our personal ministries. Happy without the special someone Can giving ourselves to these things help LDS singles be happy without that special someone? I answer with a resounding YES! It really is all in how you think about it. If we truly have faith in Christ, then we’ll do two things:
With these two items in place, our focus is directed outward on what we can do, what we can give, and how we can serve. Without these two items, it’s far too easy for the natural man or woman to direct our focus inward on what we want, what we can get, and how we can be served. When you reject defunct, old ways of thinking and adopt better ways of thinking, you can have a better focus leading to a better reality. You can partner with the Lord in fulfilling a personal ministry. When you make the conscious choice to give your all to the right things — to what matters most — you can be happy regardless of any circumstance in your life. That’s the path to lasting happiness. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
With the new year soon upon us, it’s time once more for making resolutions most of us won’t keep. It’s been said as many as 90% of all New Year’s resolutions are abandoned by February. Obviously proclaiming a resolution isn’t enough. Without resolve, any resolution is little more than a wish. And it’s that lack of resolve that separates many of us from the lives we want. That’s precisely why 90% of all New Year’s resolutions never see reality. Every moment we each have a choice. We can choose to move closer to our goals and dreams, or we can choose something else. It doesn’t matter what that something else is. Lack of results for any reason is still lack of results. We’ll never live the life we want until we take action. The most transformative actions are the small ones in the small moments that fill each and every day. We need to have enough resolve to make the right choice in each of those small moments. Don’t settle Actually, we need make the right choice only once. There’s no need to deliberate in each and every moment of choosing. We can choose wisely once and then exercise the resolve to follow through with that choice thereafter. For many that follow-through is the weak link in the chain. Why do we lack the resolve to follow through on our choices? Or put another way, why are we so content with lives so very much beneath our potential? I’ve pondered that question for some time now. Year after year I continue to be just a single as when I came home from my mission more than two decades ago. And that’s just the most important of my goals and dreams. Apparently some of my other dreams elude me as well. OK, fine — most of my other dreams remained unrealized. Why? I’m too easily satisfied. I don’t have the resolve to achieve more because in the small moments — the moments when I need to follow through on my decisions to move closer to my goals and dreams — I find myself sufficiently satisfied. After all, why exert yourself through the pain of sacrifice when the reward presently before you is good enough? Raise the bar The answer, then, is setting a higher standard. What in the past has passed for good enough must now never be good enough. I need to demand more from myself before I’m satisfied. Adopting a new standard will require new ways of thinking. I must remember what the future will bring if I don’t raise the bar. Do I want more of the same life I’ve had? That’s what I’ll get unless I change. The same choices made over and over again always lead to the same reality. If we want a new reality, then we must adopt a new way of thinking. We must think differently about our own standards of acceptability in our own performance. What level of performance really is good enough? If we don’t have the results that move us closer to our goals and dreams, then we’re settling for something less. We need to raise the bar before feeling satisfied. We must pursue the path to meet that bar. And we must do it come what may. Find the balance Raising the bar and pursuing its corresponding path will certainly take resolve. Yet we must have balance in our approach. We don’t want to become so obsessed with achievement that we miss the joy along our journey. We can find that balance in faith. We don’t journey alone. Christ loves us so much He simply couldn’t be uninterested in helping us. By partnering with the Lord, we can make the right choices in the right moments and enjoy our journey along our chosen path. If we keep raising the bar, sooner or later we’ll find our limit. We can’t go any further because we have nothing more to take us any further. At that point, we can accept our limitations and rest confident the Lord will make up the difference so long as we do our best within our limitations. The past is the past; we cannot change it. We can only resolve to do better as we raise the bar and then keep trying to keep that resolve for the higher standard. As we give our all to Him, the Lord will give His all to us. That will make all the difference because He is the difference. Partnering with Him in our journey will help us make our lives more than they ever could be otherwise. And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
It’s no secret that I love Christmas. What’s not to love? There’s a general feeling of good will that pervades everything. There’s time with friends and family. There’s all the holiday goodies that aren’t so great for the waistline but wonderful for taste buds. There’s the lights that turn ordinary neighborhoods into works of electric art at night. And of course, there’s the real reason for the season. There’s the opportunity to renew our discipleship by following Him more fully. There’s His peace that we can feel in our hearts. There’s His light that we can share with others. Yet for some, Christmas is simply about tradition. They enjoy friends, family, good food, and all the external trappings of the season. They may even include something spiritual in their holiday habit. But they don’t really feel the season because they’re on autopilot. They just go through the motions. Once the season is over, they return to whatever lives they had before. Seeing these people got me thinking. Do I just go through the motions of the holiday season, or do I allow the miracle that is Christ to change my heart? You gotta choose it Sometimes I catch myself going through the motions. It’s not that hard to do. After all, we’re designed to have habits and play them out without thinking about what we’re doing. But the truly fulfilled life comes only with discipline in constantly making conscious choices. We must choose consciously what we say and do. And we can’t just choose anything if we want to maximize our joy in life. We must choose Christ. This is admittedly not the easiest task to accomplish. We are after all designed to operate out of habit. That’s why it’s more productive to leverage our natural design than to fight against it. We need to adopt the habit of not living by habit. One way to do this is by participating in the Church’s Light the World campaign. We could also make our own calendar with actions that we choose for ourselves. Or we could go through each day of the Christmas season just looking for opportunities to share goodness. We don’t necessarily need a set plan; just an openness to whatever opportunities cross our path and a willingness to take advantage of them. You gotta feel it Christmas is especially appropriate for random acts of goodness. That’s what I love about this time of year. It shakes me out of my usual year-long doldrums and gets me introspective. Am I really feeling the reality of Christ within me? Or am I just on autopilot? That is the ultimate test for me. If I’m not really feeling it inside, then it’s not really working for me. And that begs the obvious question: Why do it? I want real. And for me, real isn’t life on autopilot. Real is life with flavor created by consciously chosen experience. I can surround myself with the real reason for the season and maybe get something out of that. Or I can consciously choose to surrender myself to Him and certainly get everything out of that. That’s life you can feel, not just a bare existence. So whenever I realize I’m not feeling it, that’s a red flag alerting me to choose differently. I need to break my habit of living on autopilot and embrace the habit of not living by habit. You gotta live it Living life by conscious choice creates awareness of the joy already around us. Living life on autopilot removes that awareness. All you need for life on autopilot is to follow a habit without thinking about it. It’s the awareness that makes all the difference. Again, that’s what I love about Christmas. It provides enough newness to shake me free of the same old same-old that bogs me down. It reminds me of my need for awareness. Once I become aware of myself, it’s easier to live by conscious choice. And living by conscious choice results in the realization that the joy of the season is around us all year long. We simply need eyes to see. Seeing that joy makes it easier to feel. Feeling that joy makes life delicious and truly sweet. That’s the miracle Christ makes possible for us all. He saves us not just in the next life but in this one as well. It’s a reality you can have when you consciously choose Him. Christ truly is the real reason for the season. Are we engaging our yearly traditions on autopilot? Or are we consciously choosing Christ and allowing His miracle to save us? Consciously choosing to keep Christ in the heart is the best way to savor the season. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
We’ve discussed ways LDS singles can overcome the challenges of LDS singles life. Dating becomes more simple and fun when we act out a proper understanding of the dating journey. Learning to forgive others along the way can lighten the load on our journey. Partnering with the Lord can help us understand our gifts and fulfill our own personal ministry. And holding fast to our covenants while being industrious can help create our happiest time. Yet all this assumes we assume ownership of our lives. No one will create your best life for you. You must create it. Fortunately the Lord wants you to have your best life and is willing to help you create it. But first you must accept responsibility for however your life turns out. You must own every part of your life. You have the power Owning your life must precede living your best life. Failing to accept responsibility for how your life turns out means assigning that responsibility elsewhere. And that leaves you playing the victim. Confident people never play the victim. Victimization isn’t a position of power. Victims are victims because they’re powerless. Playing the victim means giving away your power to someone else. And yes, you had power over your life before you gave it away. It’s called agency. The Lord has declared, “For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward” (D&C 58:28). We make our lives by the choices we make for ourselves. Inasmuch as we choose well, we’ll not lose our reward. That’s the law of the harvest. We reap what we sow. Any other result would place the universe out of balance, and God would cease to be God. It is your fault I know what some of you are thinking. “It’s not my fault no one ever married me.” “It’s not my fault I got divorced.” “It’s not my fault I’m widowed.” In short, “It’s not my fault I’m single.” Actually, it is. And the sooner you own all of your life by accepting your part in the events that have brought you to where you are, the sooner you can move past your challenges and live life with confidence and satisfaction. Sure, other people make decisions that directly impact your life. But your decisions — the ones you make for yourself — also impact your life. Those decisions are the only ones you can control. You empower yourself by placing your focus there. I’m sorry if you’ve never married. But you chose how to present yourself, what attitude to broadcast, and what direction to take in life. You can’t convince me those factors didn’t influence others when they decided against you. I’m sorry if you’re divorced. But if you’re completely honest, you’ll admit you contributed to your failed marriage. Even if (and given how imperfect everyone is, that’s a really BIG if) you did everything right, who decided to get married? Yes, you married a jerk, but who chose that? You chose to enter a marriage that ended how it ended. I’m sorry if you’re widowed. But again, who decided to marry your spouse? You chose to marry someone who died before you do. Had you known that would come, you might have chosen differently. But you couldn’t see then all the consequences your choice would have today. We often make such choices in life. And now you have the consequences from your choice. You can be free This approach may feel incredibly harsh, but it’s also incredibly empowering and liberating. Having once tasted it, you’ll never want to go back. Why is owning every part of your life empowering and liberating? If your choices can make an undesirable life, then your choices can also make a desirable one. Your past doesn’t determine your future. Your choices in the present determine your future. You can make better choices and get better results. Again, the choices of others do affect the course of our lives. But placing any focus there is unproductive because you decide only for yourself. Your choices brought you the life you have today. You must accept that truth to move forward. Accepting that truth doesn’t mean wallowing in self-pity or punishing yourself constantly for choosing poorly. Just accept your choices had their consequences, learn from the experience, and move on. It’s really no more complicated than that. Own every part of your life. Don’t allow failure to take responsibility for anything in your life hold you back from having your best life. When you take that attitude, you can move forward with confidence towards that best life. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
Like anything else in life involving other people with their own agency, you can do everything right and still come up short. In the world of LDS dating, coming up short means experiencing pain. Often this pain results from others’ choices, choices outside your direct control. I firmly believe life is what we make of it. I can’t preach the gospel of owning your life and believe otherwise. At the same time, I accept that some elements of my life are outside my control. There I control only my response. The natural man or woman inside each of us takes offense rather easily. We can quickly make the case for why we should be avenged for the wrongs we receive from other Latter-day Saints while dating. We’ve all been there and done that. I even have the shirt, the hat, and the jacket! But holding on to feelings of resentment and bitterness doesn’t improve your single situation nor make you any more attractive to the companion you’re seeking. Life isn’t always easy, but your journey can be easier when you drop the extra baggage. Insist on right Forgiveness allows us to release the negativity that in effect separates us from God. That’s probably not our intention when we fail to forgive someone. We’re not consciously thinking our grudge will bring us closer to the Lord. Usually we’re thinking about our righteousness in demanding justice for the wrongs we suffer. Our wrongs may very well demand justice. But we don’t dispense that. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19). We may fool ourselves into thinking that our grudge helps bring about the right. But what righteousness does any grudge really bring? Does focusing on that pain make us any less single? Does refusing to release our anger make us any more attractive to a potential companion? If we want to insist on right, we should let go of our grudges, because they don’t rightfully belong to us. They’re the Lord’s, and His is the right to redress them. He’ll do that in His own way and His own time. Our right is to allow Him His right and focus on increasing our discipleship as we journey home to Him. Increase your tolerance Perhaps some of us demand too much of ourselves. Because celestial marriage is eternal in nature, it’s not a far leap to think that every little thing about securing that eternity must go correctly, or we’ll suffer an eternity of less — less happiness, less fulfillment, less satisfaction, less joy. Yes, what we do matters. Our choices today determine our tomorrow. At the same time, life holds room for making mistakes along the way. Every little thing doesn’t have to be exactly just so for our journey to end gloriously. Not allowing for those mistakes can hold us back. When we fail to forgive others, we deny them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and thereby grow into something more. When we fail to forgive ourselves, we deny ourselves the same opportunity. Isn’t that why we’re all here? Aren’t we supposed to be growing into something more than we were before? We can always learn from any experience and leverage it to our advantage. Let it go I recall being in love some years ago with someone who married someone else. She called me on my birthday to tell me about this other guy. And then a couple of weeks later, I learned I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I was severely depressed for months. In an effort to support me, some of my friends berated her. I quickly chided them. Yes, she hurt me extensively, but I still loved her and didn’t want to have someone I loved treated that way. At the same time, I severed all connection with her. She later tried contacting me, perhaps feeling remorse over how she treated me. But she’d caused too much pain for me to trust her not to hurt me again. Forgiving others doesn’t mean you must associate with them. It simply means you release your negative emotions — the anger, the bitterness, the resentment. Forgiveness like love should be unconditional. Trust, on the other hand, must be earned. We’ve all been hurt along our dating journey. Only when we drop the extra baggage can we free ourselves to move forward in the way we should. When we apply complete forgiveness to our hearts, we become truly healed. And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
Last week we discussed the need for LDS singles to expand their casual dating pools to include everyone — well, almost everyone; jerks, stalkers, and criminals need not apply. Many LDS singles resist expanding their casual dating pools because they inappropriately pre-judge potential dating partners by filtering for marriage material. Superficially, that seems to make sense. Dating leads to marriage, and we don’t want to end up with someone we don’t really want. Plus spending all that time and money with someone who won’t be with you in the end seems wasteful. Isn’t it better not to start if you won’t finish? This logic prevalent among LDS singles keeps many of them single longer than needful — in some cases, much, much longer. Here’s a more effective approach: Apply standards to where you are in your dating journey. Don't reject a date based on your standards for marriage. Reject a date based on your standards for dating. Know where you areEffectively applying standards to dating requires you to understand where you are on the map of your dating journey. With that in mind, let’s review what we’ve learned recently about the stages of the dating journey.
Know your next stepYou don’t need a map to know where you’re going. But a map becomes very useful to tell you how to get there. Understanding the different stages of the dating journey helps you know where are on the map. That begs the obvious question: How do I get where I want to go? You don’t climb a mountain by constantly staring at the peak. You climb a mountain by looking where your feet you are and taking a step forward. Your focus, then, should be on the next step in front of you, not the end goal. Once you know where you are in your dating journey, your next step will be to secure the agreement for the next stage. If you don’t have the necessary agreement, you don’t progress. Period. That’s why this is your next step. Be where you areThat’s harder to do when you’re staring constantly at the summit and never on where your feet actually are. How long will it be before you trip and land on your face? Many LDS singles find dating disagreeable because that’s exactly what they experience. They keep tripping and landing on their face. If that’s your experience, here’s some free advice: Stop looking at the summit! Be where you are. If you focus on where your feet are and take the next step directly before you, and then the next one, and so on, eventually you’ll climb the mountain. So focus on where your feet are: Apply standards of dating to dates. This of course means you might date someone you wouldn’t marry. So what? That’s perfectly normal; everyone dates people they never marry. Only by dating lots of people will you better know that right type of person who demands more serious consideration. Because you’ll date people you’ll never marry, your standards will change with each stage of the dating journey. You’ll casually date people you won’t commitedly date. And you’ll committedly date people you won’t marry. Recognizing these truths makes it easier to be where you are. You can better enjoy someone’s company irrespective of whether or not you’ll marry that same person when you focus on that moment rather than on some agenda to achieve a future goal. Applying standards of dating to dating helps you to be in the place where you are. This in turn helps you to live more fully in the moment and makes you more attractive to someone who can help you be where you want to be. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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