Recently I’ve been considering how I arrived where I am today. I remember a really dramatic episode from several years ago involving a woman I loved with all my heart. I was in my mid-30s and considered her as my last chance to secure the blessings I’d been wanting for over a decade. Everything seemed OK until my rose-colored glasses could no longer obscure the truth. She called to tell me she was seeing another guy. I still held hope things could turn around. After all, we’re supposed to believe in miracles, right? Only deep down I didn’t really believe a miracle would happen for me. Instead I felt desperate. It seemed my last hope was slipping away from me. I kept thinking about what I didn’t want to have happen. So what happened next shouldn’t surprise anyone. She called on my birthday to say she was engaged to be married in two weeks. She knew it was my birthday because earlier she sang “Happy birthday” into my voicemail. As if stabbing me through the heart wasn’t enough, she twisted the knife by bluntly telling me I wasn’t invited to the wedding. The excruciating emotional turmoil that ensued felt unbearable. The anguish of being lost for eternity tortured me. I felt more alone and forsaken than at any point in my life. I entered a depression that took literal months to overcome. See the opportunity
I’ve learned in the years since my tragic episode I wasn’t alone in seeing a specific relationship as my only hope for securing eternal blessings. And I’ve also learned I created much of the pain and anguish I felt from losing that relationship. I hurt like I did because of the way I was thinking. That concept may shock some, but it’s no less true. Sure, other people make choices, sometimes against us. But we construct much of our reality, including our emotional reality, with our thinking. The story has been told of two salesman who get up one morning and see a very wet and windy storm. The first one says, “Wow, what a storm! No one can expect us to go out and make sales today.” He stays home. The second one says, “Wow, what a storm! And what a great day to make sales. Everyone will be home, even the other salesmen!” Both men saw the same storm, but each had a different reality because each choose to see the same storm differently. Where one saw an obstacle, the other saw an opportunity. Really believe That’s what my experiences have taught me over the years. As much as it once felt like I blew my last chance, God has provided others. I just needed to see the opportunities instead of the obstacles. Part of that required me to recognize what an opportunity actually is. So many of us LDS singles think so narrowly in that regard we’re standing in our own way. We place too many and too stringent filters up front, removing qualified candidates from our consideration. And we view the whole dating journey through binary lenses which blind us from seeing any value in relationships that for whatever reason don’t end in marriage. Last week I provided the key to changing our perspective. We need to believe the gospel — I mean, really believe it. We know God loves us, but when you truly believe it, you’ll have the confidence He’s constantly working on clearing the next best pathway to your blessings. We know God is all-knowing, all-powerful, etc., but when you truly believe He has His characteristics, you’ll walk in faith He’ll turn everything bad in your life into everything good. All your mourning will turn into joy. In truth, there is no Obi Wan. There’s never a last and only chance for eternal happiness. God loves you so much He’ll never stop providing you with opportunities to secure your blessings. You just need to set your thinking straight. You need to see the opportunities instead of the obstacles. You need to believe what you know is true. And you need to start doing the right things. The sooner you get on that train, the sooner you’ll savor the joy you can have in life.
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is the very real result of choices you and others have made. But that doesn’t mean you’ve lost a glorious future. There is always hope because there is always Christ. Many LDS singles easily feel their hopes of a temple marriage reside far outside their reach, if they even exist at all. Yet our reality abounds with opportunities for us to have the blessings we desire. We simply need eyes to see what’s really there around us. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf testified of that. His April 2016 General Conference address entitled “He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home” reminds us of the hope all of us can have in a bright and wonderful future. God can rebuild you President Uchtdorf recounted his childhood experience living near Dresden, Germany, during World War II. Bombing totally devastated that city. President Uchtdorf particularly noted the destruction of the Lutheran church the Church of Our Lady. The war reduced this once grand monument to rubble. Yet 70 years later, the city now stands completely renewed. This includes the Lutheran church. Some of the old stones were used in its reconstruction. President Uchtdorf describes the sight of these stones within the structure as “‘scars’ [which] are not only a reminder of the war history of this building but also a monument to hope — a magnificent symbol of man’s ability to create new life from ashes.” President Uchtdorf then remarks,
No matter how derailed you feel your life may be, you can get it back on track. Through the Atonement, Christ can heal anyone and restore anything. But He won’t violate individual agency. We need to choose Him to effect His marvelous Atonement in our lives.
Of course the Savior will. That’s the whole purpose behind His Atonement — to rescue us from an impossible situation separated from God. While not on the same scale, many LDS singles experience their own individual impossible situations. “With all my deficiencies, how could anyone want to marry me in the temple?” “How can I ever rebuild my life after losing my marriage to divorce?” “How can my life have any meaning now that my spouse has died?” No matter the question, choosing Christ is the answer. That’s because choosing Christ is always the answer to life’s difficult questions. Centering our lives around Him provides us with the perspective we need to journey home. And because He’s already feeling after you, you’re sure to find and feel His love once you choose Christ. President Uchtdorf proclaimed,
You are made of more glorious matter than what your earthly eyes can see. No matter how lost or despairing you may feel, the eternal God of the universe Who has always and will always love you is still in control. Your eternal destination has not changed. Although earthly circumstances may necessitate a different path than what you anticipated, that eternal destination is still within your reach. So reach after it. Abandon your doubts and embrace your faith. Forsake your fears and face the glorious future awaiting you. When you choose Christ, He’ll stand by you for each step you can take and carry you for each step you cannot. Choose Him today and start to experience the hope that can lead to more joy in your journey home.
Ah, Spring Break! Time to break free of winter with a sunny vacation. At least that was the story in college. Then I entered the real world where I had to surrender half my yearly vacation time to keep the Spring Break tradition. Usually I’d just spend it at the end of the year. In theory, Spring Break is a time to stop and relax. We all need an occasional break from our routines for some essential rejuvenation. Many typically imagine sunbathing on a warm beach. That’s because soaking in the rays of the sun can invigorate us out of winter doldrums. Our lives have seasons, too, so occasionally we need rejuvenation to break out of the winter doldrums of our lives. But instead of lying on a warm beach soaking in the rays of the sun, our souls need to lie in the care of the Son of God soaking in the rays of faith. You need never feel abandoned, lost, or unable to enjoy every blessing the gospel of Jesus Christ promises. If you feel winter upon you in your life, it’s time to go faith-bathing! Mind your thinking habitsWe create the quality of our lives with our thinking. Our focus always becomes our reality. When we wallow in the mire of negative thinking, our reality will be negative. But when we routinely embrace positive thinking, our reality becomes positive. We’re also hardwired to follow habits in everything, including how we think, and to keep repeating those habits regardless of the consequences. This is why many continually repeat cycles of failure again and again, even though it hurts them. That’s why faith-bathing is so essential. Without the habit of immersing ourselves in a bath of positive thinking that fills us with belief we can actually feel, whatever other habit we do have won’t lead us to the faith we need to endure well the hardships of life. We need to make faith-bathing a habit. Find your faithbathing habit How we do that will vary from person to person. But however we do it, we need to do it often. Many faith-bathe when General Conference comes every six months, and rightfully so. But as crazy as the world now is, we need total immersion in faith more often than twice a year. We need to faith-bathe frequently. On the radio program last week I suggested creating a Book of Faith. Find a notebook and fill it with scriptures, quotes, and personal experiences that ignite your fire of faith. The habit of compiling and regularly immersing yourself with that content can bathe your soul in the faith you need to have good cheer regardless of your circumstances. You could also look to General Conference for ideas. Pursuing an idea or direction from someone’s address can lead you to your faith-bathing habit. The same could be said about the scriptures or a talk or lesson in church. Of course, you can partner with the Lord to find your faithbathing habit. Faith-bathing regularly brings us closer to the Savior. With all He suffered for us borne out of pure love for each one of us, the Lord will show us our next step when we partner with Him. Start today If you don’t know where to start, then start here. What do you really believe and feel? Do you really believe that possibility abounds for you? Do you feel hope when you think about your future? You will, if you truly believe the gospel of Jesus Christ. If you don’t, then go back and examine your habits of thinking. Where is your focus? On the obstacles or the opportunities, the problems or the possibilities, the bitterness or the blessings? Whatever it is, your focus will always determine your reality. The best life tends to come to those with the best habits of thinking. So if you feel you’ll never have yours, you need to re-examine your beliefs. When you truly believe the truth about who you are and how the universe works, you can’t help but feel optimistic inside. You’re not here by accident. You are in this place and time for a glorious proposition. Bountiful blessings of greatness and goodness await you. God has declared it because He believes in you. Take Him at His word. Believe in yourself the way He does. Walk in that faith, and bathe in it regularly. Life opens to those who open themselves to life. Faith-bathing immerses us in the positive energy of true belief, belief so ingrained in our core that it defines who we are and radiates goodness to everyone around us. That way of living is truly enjoyable. So let’s not wait to enjoy every ounce of life God has granted us. Let’s go faith-bathing!
My week is insanely busy. In addition to my job, I’m taking a course to qualify me to teach classes online. The course includes making the first four weeks of a real class, and creating all this content is hugely time consuming. Then my dad, recently diagnosed with skin cancer, has surgery this week. The doctor has great confidence all will be well, but it’s still a little more stress to my already hectic week. In the midst of all this bustle, my mind reaches back to a time that seems so long ago but really isn’t. I’m talking about the start of the year. At that time, I talked about the high hopes people had for this year and the sense that 2016 would be better than 2015. I had high hopes as well, but as I examine my life at present, it seems like a far cry from what I hoped it would be. What happened? Seeing the gulf Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Life happened. Life tends to crowd around you and devour every scrap of time and energy. That and bad habits tend to linger. Without a good support system, it’s hard to change. That’s because we’re hardwired to adopt a habit and stick with it, regardless of how good or bad that habit may be. Take my aspirations towards diet and exercise. I was really pumped at the start of the year. Confidence that 2016 would be my year filled me. I was ready to go! Then life happened. Work got busier, my online course started, and my personal life began demanding more. Slowly my exercise routine became less demanding and more brief. My diet followed suit, other demands screaming for my time. Convenience is the cry of today. My scripture study is another victim. Visions of sessions immersed in genuine study are replaced with reading a quick chapter and calling it good. My life demands convenience! I could go on, but you get the point. Many of you have the same experience. Life is happening to you. A great gulf separates what we see now from what we once thought we would be. I want to bridge the gulf in my life. Can it be done? Start with the foundation The answer is yes. It begins with two words: Start over. Faith in Jesus Christ and repentance are the first principles of the gospel, so starting over is the very foundation of our belief. But is it? Many carry incredible burdens believing they’re trapped. Life has crowded them into a corner they never imagined. But if we truly believe the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we know we’re never trapped. We always have the opportunity to start over. We just don’t always take that opportunity. And our life won’t change until we do. We also have the tendency to carry our past mistakes. That burden influences us to think we’ll never have our best life. But carrying that burden holds us back. The Savior said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me . . . and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). Through the power of His Atonement, the Lord can help us drop whatever holds us back from our best life. He can help us to start over. Build the structure Accessing the Atonement is the best way to our best life. It’s the foundation of the support system we need to foster positive change. The next step is to complete that support system with quality people in our lives. That’s one of the biggest reasons why my efforts to embrace a healthy lifestyle failed. I’m in it alone. No one in my life really supports me in that direction. There’s plenty who think it’s a good idea. But there’s a world of difference between agreeing with a good idea and supporting one. Partnering with the Lord can help us to assemble our support team. He can help us bring people already in our lives on board and find new ones to cheer us on. And we’ll find a lot of the support we need when we first give that support to others. It’s easy to get swept away with the tides of life. But by making conscious choices, you can start over. And with the help of the Lord, you can move into your best life. I want my best life. If you want yours, make that move with me. Come to Christ, let go of whatever holds you back, and start over. He still believes in you. Isn’t it time you believed in you as well?
LDS singles often confront challenges of identity. Different cultural aspects have influenced us in adopting habitual ways of thinking. That includes how we identify ourselves. We all respond to those habitual perspectives. And it can be very easy to get discouraged or depressed when your efforts to improve do not yield the results you want. But you don’t need to feel that way. Let’s address some identity issues that LDS singles face. You are not your job Some singles filter their interactions with other singles based on their occupations. If you are unemployed, you might find some don’t want to befriend you. After all, what good are you if you can’t bring home the bacon? Acting on this attitude sends a clear message to those who struggle financially that they must have a very successful occupation in order to be loved. Many of these people feel very unloved. Of course, you should do what you can to improve your employment situation. But you should also improve the way you think. Yes, people typically prefer interactions with occupationally attractive people. But they are also hardwired to respond to generosity and cheerfulness. My first job? Busboy in a Mexican restaurant. What does that say about who I really am? Not a whole lot. How I approached that job, however, says a ton. Never being late, always doing what I was asked, and always being attentive speaks volumes about who I really am. You are not your job (or your lack of one). You are the qualities you choose to exhibit through your actions. You are not your body How your body is shaped or groomed is not really who you are. Yet many singles filter their interactions based on physical appearance. Acting on this attitude sends a clear message that you must be attractive in order to be loved. And many “less attractive” people feel very unloved. Of course, you should do what you can to improve your appearance. But you should also improve the way you think. Yes, people typically prefer interactions with physically attractive people. But they're also hardwired to respond to people who project generosity and cheerfulness. If all you know about me is the way I look, you won’t think very much of me. I’m okay with that. It puts me in good company (see Isaiah 53:2-3). But it doesn’t say a thing about who I really am. Can you tell the sacrifices I have made to be true to the restored gospel by the way I look? Not really. The story of my sacrifice radiates my desire to be true and faithful regardless of how my life does (or doesn’t) work out. That speaks volumes about who I really am. You are not your body. You are the energy that you choose to radiate to those around you. You are not your marital status Many Latter-day Saints (both single and married) unknowingly grant acceptance and validation to those who have experienced the subcultural rite of passage we call temple marriage. Everyone else is therefore less or deficient. Acting on this attitude sends a clear message to LDS singles that they must be married in order to be loved. And many singles who buy into this belief feel very unloved. Of course, you should do what you can to improve your situation. But you should also improve the way you think. Yes, even people in the Church will not always accept you. But they're also people, and like most people they're inclined to respond to generosity and cheerfulness. You create meaningful life through contribution. The marriage ceremony doesn’t change who you are fundamentally. But whether you contribute positive attributes and energy into the lives of others will. You are not your marital status. You are the contributions that you make to those around you. Enjoy the richness of life You will enjoy your life more when you reject the faulty idea you're your circumstances and truly embrace the correct idea that you're a child of God. Many of us don't know what that really means, due in part to the message our actions send.
Many times our actions portray apathy or exclusion rather than love and inclusion. When you truly desire to follow the Master, you reject the herd mentality and seek to satisfy the needs of others. You create a rich life through meaningful contribution. You are not your circumstances. If you think you are, you need to reformat and reboot yourself. You are a child of God with infinite worth and potential. Start seeing that in yourself, and then others will be able to see that more clearly in you as well. Welcome to the new home for my blog. It all started back in 2012 — 12/12/12 to be exact. I couldn’t let the opportunity to start something on a date like that pass me by. Little did I know that my first year would be training for what you see today. And I’ve changed along the way. Now that my blog has a new home and we’re starting a new year, I thought it only fitting that I establish a few expectations. This first post may turn out to be the longest post I make, so if you aren’t comfy, now is a good time to get there. First, it's not about me. When I started my blog, I had some ideas that needed expression. Many of those ideas were in a book about LDS singles that I've been working on since January 2011. In researching how best to publicize the book, I found the ubiquitous advice to start a blog and use it to promote the book. But that doesn’t work for me. See, I started with that idea. And I found along the way that it led me to make everything about me. I felt the tendency to make outrageous comments to drive more traffic or to write for search engine robots to increase page ranking. But things like that don’t matter. It’s people that matter, and it's relationships with people that matter most. That’s why I started writing my book in the first place. It’s a longer story that I can share later if you’re interested. Bottom line = I wanted to create something that would help the growing LDS singles population confront and conquer the challenges of LDS singles life. So I’m turning conventional wisdom on its head. Writers use blogs as marketing tools to promote books. To me, that’s all backwards. I intend my book to support the blog. And I see the blog as a platform for changing the culture within the Church. We need to get more serious about building Zion. A big part of that means changing how we think about what it means to be single in the Church. Too many LDS singles feel like second class citizens in the Church of Mormon Families Who Sometimes Talk about Christ when they should feel like equal members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But the culture will never change if we don’t do anything. We need to start having a conversation about LDS singles life, one that encourages all of us to change the way we think about what it means to be single in the Church. There are changes that marrieds need to make and many more changes that singles need to make. We need to support one another in these changes. That means we have to cut the crap and speak the truth. I’ve been single now for almost 20 years. That’s two decades. So I’m tired of all the high school games and other associated crap that I’ve dealt with in that time period. I want real. I want to connect with other people on a real level and not have everything revolve around my marital status and my desires for eternal companionship. So when I see crap from anyone, I’m calling them out on it. That means some of you will discount me or try to ignore me because what I have to say will contradict whatever agenda you have. Others I will simply annoy. Still others will outright hate me. I’m okay with all of that. You see, I want real. I understand that not everyone is prepared for the truth. That is part of what my book is all about. We all develop habits in which we continue to believe lies about the way the world and our lives are constructed, because those lies make us feel more comfortable. But I’m done with all of that. I want real. That means embracing the truth, no matter what it may seem to do to me in the here and now. And I got three words for those of you who aren’t prepared to hear the truth. I don't care. That’s right. Again, it’s not about me. It’s about changing the culture so that we LDS singles can more easily confront our challenges and we can all — married and single — get about the business of building Zion for real. That is, after all, what all of us covenanted to do at baptism and in the temple. Oh, and I don’t care applies to just about everything. That doesn’t mean I’m going to trample intentionally on the feelings of others. It doesn’t mean I won’t attempt to regard the views of others with respect and courtesy. I probably won't always succeed, as imperfect as I am, but I will strive to be a gentleman. What I don't care does mean is when you read one of my posts, you’re getting real — the real me, what I really think and feel, and all presented in a real way. I don’t care about search engine robots because I write for people. I don’t care about page rank or other Internet statistics which in eternity will be meaningless. I don’t care if I continue writing posts week after week which generate no comments. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me or my opinions. I want real, and I can’t get real if I put on rose-colored glasses and pretend that everything is just peachy when in reality it’s putrid. If a cow crapped it out, I’m going to call it what it really is — cow crap! That means that a lot of conventional wisdom and me just won’t mix. I’m done trying to be someone I'm not just to impress someone into having a relationship with me — and that’s any type of relationship, not just the romantic kind. I’m done living the lie of a life on autopilot. I’m done going through the motions of being an “active” Latter-day Saint. I want to do what I do because I truly feel it deep inside. I want what I do to mean something. I want real. Real also means I don’t look on people reading my blog as customers to be marketed to constantly. I don’t like receiving constant emails telling me how I can’t live without purchasing XYZ, so I’ll never send anyone anything like that. It’s not about me or my book. It’s about building a community through which we can change the culture by changing the way we think about LDS singles life. I refuse to believe it cannot be done. I refuse to follow the herd just because everyone else is doing it. I refuse to believe what I say and do makes no difference. I refuse to believe I'm second-rate or that God must want me to be single because I haven’t yet experienced the subcultural rite of passage that is temple marriage. And I refuse to back down. Sure, I’m imperfect, very much so. I've got more imperfections than Swiss cheese has holes. I understand that my endeavors may result in total and complete failure. But that just brings me back to the three words I shared earlier. I don't care. You see, I’ve failed so many times in my life at just about everything in life that I am not certain whether failure has any real meaning anymore. But I am certain that just going through the motions is meaningless. I want real. And real is what you will get from me.
I envision a glorious future in which LDS marrieds and singles come together and build Zion – a place where everyone cares for everyone and everyone looks out for everyone. That is the place where I want to be, whether or not I ever find my eternal companion. Of course, such a place is more made than found, which brings me back to my first point. It’s not about me. It’s about lifting a light so that others can see amidst the darkness. It’s about bringing hope to those in despair. It’s about changing the way that we all think so that we can unite and build Zion. And it’s about becoming more like our Savior so that we can live there and feel like we belong. |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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