My week is insanely busy. In addition to my job, I’m taking a course to qualify me to teach classes online. The course includes making the first four weeks of a real class, and creating all this content is hugely time consuming. Then my dad, recently diagnosed with skin cancer, has surgery this week. The doctor has great confidence all will be well, but it’s still a little more stress to my already hectic week. In the midst of all this bustle, my mind reaches back to a time that seems so long ago but really isn’t. I’m talking about the start of the year. At that time, I talked about the high hopes people had for this year and the sense that 2016 would be better than 2015. I had high hopes as well, but as I examine my life at present, it seems like a far cry from what I hoped it would be. What happened? Seeing the gulf Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Life happened. Life tends to crowd around you and devour every scrap of time and energy. That and bad habits tend to linger. Without a good support system, it’s hard to change. That’s because we’re hardwired to adopt a habit and stick with it, regardless of how good or bad that habit may be. Take my aspirations towards diet and exercise. I was really pumped at the start of the year. Confidence that 2016 would be my year filled me. I was ready to go! Then life happened. Work got busier, my online course started, and my personal life began demanding more. Slowly my exercise routine became less demanding and more brief. My diet followed suit, other demands screaming for my time. Convenience is the cry of today. My scripture study is another victim. Visions of sessions immersed in genuine study are replaced with reading a quick chapter and calling it good. My life demands convenience! I could go on, but you get the point. Many of you have the same experience. Life is happening to you. A great gulf separates what we see now from what we once thought we would be. I want to bridge the gulf in my life. Can it be done? Start with the foundation The answer is yes. It begins with two words: Start over. Faith in Jesus Christ and repentance are the first principles of the gospel, so starting over is the very foundation of our belief. But is it? Many carry incredible burdens believing they’re trapped. Life has crowded them into a corner they never imagined. But if we truly believe the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we know we’re never trapped. We always have the opportunity to start over. We just don’t always take that opportunity. And our life won’t change until we do. We also have the tendency to carry our past mistakes. That burden influences us to think we’ll never have our best life. But carrying that burden holds us back. The Savior said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me . . . and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). Through the power of His Atonement, the Lord can help us drop whatever holds us back from our best life. He can help us to start over. Build the structure Accessing the Atonement is the best way to our best life. It’s the foundation of the support system we need to foster positive change. The next step is to complete that support system with quality people in our lives. That’s one of the biggest reasons why my efforts to embrace a healthy lifestyle failed. I’m in it alone. No one in my life really supports me in that direction. There’s plenty who think it’s a good idea. But there’s a world of difference between agreeing with a good idea and supporting one. Partnering with the Lord can help us to assemble our support team. He can help us bring people already in our lives on board and find new ones to cheer us on. And we’ll find a lot of the support we need when we first give that support to others. It’s easy to get swept away with the tides of life. But by making conscious choices, you can start over. And with the help of the Lord, you can move into your best life. I want my best life. If you want yours, make that move with me. Come to Christ, let go of whatever holds you back, and start over. He still believes in you. Isn’t it time you believed in you as well?
0 Comments
We’re almost halfway through the first month of the year. Have you broken your New Year’s resolutions yet? Many of those I’ve heard making New Year’s resolutions sounded quite positive. And that got me thinking. Most people really do sound positive when making resolutions. People tend to feel encouragement in having a blank slate. But then they feel the onset of reality as they begin to fill that slate. And before long, the resolutions made with hope don’t evoke the changes so wished for. Why is that? I think it’s because resolutions are nothing more than wishes. Wishes don’t lead to greatness, but goals do. And so does partnering with the Lord in establishing and working towards goals. Stop wishing Resolutions, on the other hand, are just wishes because there’s no plan, just a declaration of desire. That’s the first reason why I think most resolutions don’t last outside the first two weeks of the year. Wishes without a plan don’t inspire anyone to reach for greatness because they don’t really demand any use of agency beyond expressing a simple sentiment. LDS singles are no different from anyone else when it comes to relying on habits in daily living. We’re all designed to operate out of habit. That’s why when some new way of doing anything comes along, we feel suspicious and apprehensive. Our natural design as human beings influences us to shy away from any interference with our habits. But no one lives fully without living intentionally. That means making conscious choices about your actions. And often those actions reside well outside the bounds of habit. It’s so easy to fall back into the complacency of wishes. But if you want to embrace life and turn yours around, you need to make conscious choices to own your life and set goals that move you towards the changes you want. Be SMART The best goals are SMART. SMART means Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic, and Timely. What does that mean? Specific means clearly defining the change you want. Losing weight is not specific. Losing 15 pounds is specific. Measurable means having a standard against which to compare your performance. Spending more time with a loved one is great but not measurable. How much time is more? An hour? A minute? Spending at least one hour each week with So-and-so is measurable; you can count the time you spend each week and compare it to a standard. Actionable means keeping your goal within your control. Every year many LDS singles make the bad goal to get married. Getting married is good and very desirable but relies on the agency of another person. A better goal would be to work on something inside your control that will make you more marriageable. Realistic means having a plan you can reasonably complete. Losing 15 pounds in a year is very reasonable. Losing 15 pounds in a week is not. Timely means having a deadline. Writing in your journal at least 4 times a week is specific, measurable, actionable, and realistic, but not timely. Writing in your journal at least 4 times a week during February is. Start partnering Being SMART helps us refine our goals but not determine what they should be. Here’s the second reason why I think resolutions fail many people. They often take people in the wrong direction. By wrong direction, I mean a direction that’s wrong for them. A goal that’s very right for one might not be so right for another. We need to embrace goals fitted to us and our particular life situation. That’s where partnering with the Lord comes in. Christ can make more out of our lives than we ourselves can. When we fully receive His marvelous Atonement, we embrace the power by which all personal improvement is made. We know the Atonement can cleanse us from sin. And we also know the Atonement can heal us and sustain us along the bumpy road of mortality. But the Atonement also turns weaknesses into strengths. And isn’t that what achieving goals is all about? If you’re making and striving towards goals, you’re on the road to achievement. But if you’re partnering with the Lord to make and achieve your goals, you’re on the road to inspirational greatness. That’s a life fully lived, a life far greater in influence and far deeper in joy than we could ever make on our own. January may be halfway over, but the year is still just beginning. If you haven’t made partnered with the Lord to make the goals that are right for you in 2016, there’s still time. Make the conscious choice today to own your life and partner with the Lord. Then you’ll be on your way to experience the joy of living fully.
My mother has been diagnosed with anxiety as a mental illness. So hearing a General Authority — and an Apostle no less — openly embrace mental illness as the subject of his address needless to say piqued my curiosity. But I also found some wise counsel that applies to many of us LDS singles. Focusing on depression Elder Holland mentions an array of mental disorders but then narrows his remarks to depression. He then quickly defines what he means by that word: But today I am speaking of something more serious, of an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively—though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking! I think that this description applies very aptly to many LDS singles today. I saw it at a recent singles fireside held in my stake. Only a handful of people were in attendance, and I quickly ascertained why no more than a handful had made an appearance. Everyone seemed so discouraged as to be half dead! Ironically, the subject of that fireside was hope, and I freely admit that I left with most of my own hope and optimism stripped from me. Fortunately, Elder Holland had very much the opposite effect. Believe in miracles I devote several parts of my upcoming book to this very subject. And I can sum it all up — there is always hope because there is always Christ. Elder Holland says no less. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead. Don't be afraid to ask for help Elder Holland advises us to seek help when our problems persist. If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation. We singles too often don’t ask for help. Maybe it’s because our leaders very often don’t understand what we experience, especially if they married while they were young. Or maybe it’s because we singles spend too much time focused on what we want that we remove ourselves from being able to help. If we filter everything through dating considerations, we won’t associate much if at all with those who aren’t “marriage material”. Very often those who need our help the most are those who we know the least, or those we want to know the least. The sun is always shining As much as the challenges of LDS singles life I've witnessed discourages me, I'm continually amazed at how optimistic I am for the future. So I'm glad that Elder Holland reminded us that Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions! Sound familiar? Where have we heard that before? Oh, yes! You are not your circumstances!
It also reminds me of some of the weirdest weather I've ever experienced. I remember one day driving in Northern Idaho and suddenly encountering a blinding snowstorm. I had to slow down because the snow was coming down so thick and fast. And yet the funny thing is I could see the sun shining at the same time! Too often when difficulties come we see only the blizzard and how it obstructs us or makes our journey more difficult. Yet the sun is always shining. We can see it if we'll look for it. God still loves us, and we can feel that love more fully when we open ourselves to it. Our focus becomes our reality, so when we focus on the storm, guess what our life feels like? But when we focus on the sunshine, guess how we feel then? I love the way Conference messages intertwine with my life experiences to root me further in gospel truth. How thankful I am for Conference! We think like this more often than we might realize. Ever heard someone say “I’m just not good at math”? People learn math all the time, and yet some persist in thinking they're “different”. This thinking reflects the cultural notion of “it”, the idea that you either have “it” or you don’t. The insidiousness of Western culture From cradle to grave, Western society teaches us to compare ourselves with others and to believe that those on top must have “it”. How else, the culture reasons, could they have succeeded? What results from this thinking? Everyone keeps climbing all over each other trying to prove how great they are. They seek to validate their own sense of self-worth within the culture. Unless you prove that you're better than someone else — that you have “it” — Western culture teaches that you aren’t validated. The cultural notion of “it” also encourages you to do everything on your own. If you need help, you obviously don’t have “it”. This notion explains why so many of us find it hard to accept service from others. Because of our cultural programming, we don’t want to appear like we don’t have “it”. "It" discourages righteous families This one cultural influence frustrates many LDS singles as they try to create families. For example, suppose you have some bad experiences with dating. OK, so maybe you don’t have to suppose. Is your normal response to give up because you think you don’t have “it”? Wired as we are by our culture, we very easily think, If we weren’t born with whatever wonderful something it is that we believe we need to have to succeed, then why even try? We also compare ourselves with others or some hypothetical ideal and think we don’t measure up. Often in such instances we quit without ever really trying. It’s obvious you don’t have “it” if you aren’t as wonderful as someone else. So why torture yourself by proving what you fear, that you're unable to have your righteous desires? After all, you just don’t have “it”. Turn the tide with the truth It doesn’t have to be that way. Replace the idea of “it” with the idea that talent can be learned. You can then see service from others as an opportunity to learn something new and to improve upon yourself. That makes it easier to embrace. No talent of any kind is innate. Learning line upon line is part of the experience we came to mortality to have. Even people who think that they aren't “math people” can learn math. I saw it all the time in a former life as a night school instructor. Talent can be learned. And because it is learned, you need to see failure as a chance to improve yourself. Remember that your focus determines your reality. For example, it’s easy to think you're somehow defective because you can’t get a date. And as long as you focus on how “defective” you are, your reality will feel to confirm just that. But when you focus instead on your efforts, your failure to get a date doesn’t mean something is wrong with you but rather with your effort. Ask yourself, “Why was it exactly that my effort to get a date failed?” and then keep following that trail until you find real answers. You are already accepted Ultimately the Savior has already accepted you. He would not have suffered all He did if you were not worth redeeming. That means you don’t have to prove or validate yourself or even compare yourself with anyone else. You are already accepted. His acceptance is the only one that matters. When you accept that truth, you free yourself from feeling you must have a significant other in order to be accepted. You can more easily be real in your interactions with other people. You don’t have to pretend you're something you really aren’t. That freedom makes life so much more enjoyable. If you don’t feel that freedom now, then pray for it. The Lord will guide you to embrace your true worth. After all, He knows that you're worth it. Somehow it seems like the tide of discouragement always comes back into shore. The battle against its waves never stops. Many LDS singles experience discouragement when confronting the idea that they're somehow deficient because they're single. If you believe this, I’m here to tell you that you're not. That idea is so inconsistent with the restored gospel of Jesus Christ that we should ship it out of town on the next truck, bus, train, ship, or plane, whichever one leaves first. This insidious belief will rob you of your power to own your life the longer you entertain it, so don’t! Make conscious choices Normal human beings compare themselves with others. Certainly Western culture encourages this comparison by insisting that only those on top are truly validated. And our own LDS subculture prizes temple marriage as a rite of passage. The perceived sum of these influences can easily convince anyone that being single means being substandard. You don’t have to feel that way. You can overcome your challenges more easily when you make conscious choices about what you do and especially about how you think. Change your reality with your focus Yes, it bears repeating. Your focus becomes your reality. When you focus on what you don't have, you'll always feel like you just don’t measure up. And if you focus on that message long enough, you'll lose all hope of ever being accepted. Enter depression stage right. The Atonement of Jesus Christ tells us a very different story. Christ would not have suffered all that He did for “substandard.” He suffered for all because all are worth redeeming. That includes you. Don't just follow the herd It’s easy to follow the herd and just think the way everyone else does. But simply following the herd doesn’t usually lead to a life of joy and fulfillment. Making conscious choices, on the other hand, usually will. When you consciously choose not just what you do but also how you think, you empower yourself to escape a life lived on autopilot and embrace one filled with true joy and meaning. Being single is simply a status, just like being tall or short or having blue or brown eyes. It has meaning just like any other status but only the meaning that you ascribe to it. Associating singleness with deficiency has meaning only because you think they go together. Change the way you think about it, and everything associated with it will change also. When you adopt new and different ways of seeing your world, your whole world becomes new and different. Do what you can wherever you are You may not have made all the covenants that you want to make. But you don’t have to focus so much on the one you haven’t made that you depreciate the others.
You can strive to make additional covenants with God while still being grateful for the ones you have made already. You can look for opportunities to acquire a new status while taking advantage of the ones your current status offers you. You can focus on owning your life. You can embrace a reality filled with real purpose and meaning, irrespective of what anyone may say. Some of the most admired exemplars of faithfulness did exactly that. I’ll tell you about one of them next week. Oh, and here’s the best part: He provided one of the most widely celebrated examples of faithfulness while he was single. See you next week. |
Author
Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
Comment
Joy in the Journey Radio encourages the free discussion of ideas but reserves the right to remove and/or block comments which do not conform to LDS standards.
Donate
Joy in the Journey Radio offers many free resources to help LDS singles everywhere, but it certainly isn't free! Help Joy in the Journey Radio in its mission to improve the lives of LDS singles by donating today.
Posts by Month
December 2022
Categories
All
|