Thinking back on my experiences with LDS singles over the years (in addition to being one myself), I’ve selected some questions that appear over and over again yet yield poor results. Also, for each one I’ve better questions that lead to better answers that yield better results. At the end of the day, we all want results, but tackling your challenges often begins with asking the right questions.
Change your thinking
Let’s start with what’s probably the leader of the pack. Many of us are just trying to do the right thing while we find our way in this world, and yet many of us just keep getting beat down. Over and over again, when things don’t work out, we ask, “Why me?”
I was like that in my 20s. “I don’t understand,” I’d say to myself. “I’m trying to do what’s right. Why is dating so hard? Why can’t they see what a good person I am? Why does this have to happen to me?”
With questions like those guiding my thinking, I didn’t get desired results. And my struggles intensified because I kept doing what I’d been doing. I kept asking the same questions, which led to the same answers, which brought the same results.
Things kept getting worse until I reached a turning point: I realized I was responsible for my life and whatever it was. Most turn away from such thoughts, but I embraced it. And as a result, I started asking different questions. Instead of asking “Why me?” I started to ask “What do I do now?”
Question your questions
I can’t begin to tell you how fundamental that flip in thinking was. Instead of playing the victim, I started playing the victor. Instead of feeling all was hopeless and lost, I began feeling hopeful that everything could change in my favor. The blessings I wanted could come to me.
That’s another question I started asking. Many singles wonder when their blessings will come to them, especially as the years being single begin to accumulate. But instead of asking “When will my blessings come?” it’s far more productive to ask “What can I do to near myself towards my blessings?” So many want their struggles to end, but they want the solution to come on demand without doing any real work to get it. The true joy in life unfolds when you use your agency to quit wallowing in the wanting and start wading in the working.
That’s one major difference between less and more effective questions. Less effective questions assume you don’t need to change you, and therefore you don’t need to act. But results come only from action, so taking no or poor action means getting no or poor results. More effective questions, conversely, assume you must change you, and thus their answers encourage you to exercise the power of your agency and act. Better action always produces better results.
Claim your power
That’s why asking poor questions never delivers rich rewards. I’m sure many if not most of us have asked, “Why does it have to be so hard?” But how many of us have stopped to examine the assumptions behind that question? Those who do are more likely to encounter the better question: “How can I get better?”
It’s one thing to wish things were better. Everyone does that. It’s another to wish you were better, and most don’t do that. They focus on what’s outside of themselves, and in so doing they disempower themselves because the power they seek to change their life is already inside of them and by looking outside themselves they focus away from the very power they seek. When you continually focus on what you can do to grow into something that isn’t challenged by what currently challenges you now, you can achieve amazing results. You’ll always get better answers by asking better questions.
So when you find yourself asking questions about the state of your life, step outside yourself and ask if you’re asking the right questions. Only by asking the right questions will you find the right answers, and that will bring you more joy in your journey.
Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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