Real men

"Seeing something like this once, I just shake my head.  But several appearances make a trend.  And that concerns me more, especially since these folks don’t seem to know much about real men."

Long time audience members know I’m not much for social media.  But occasionally I do dip my toe in the pool.  And despite the infrequency of my visits, I do notice trends.  One I observed recently is the continual appearance of memes that claim to know all about real men.

These memes would have us believe real men always follow the natural hunter instincts buried deep within them.  If he wants a woman, so say these memes, a real man won’t hesitate to chase after her.  So, they conclude, if a man isn’t obviously chasing after a woman, then that woman should stop hoping for a relationship with said man because clearly the man isn’t interested.

Seeing something like this once, I just shake my head.  But several appearances make a trend.  And that concerns me more, especially since these folks don’t seem to know much about real men.

---

Real men are imperfect

Our modern society likes to idealize everything.  But that’s nothing new.  Ancient Greek statues consistently show figures of perfect proportions even though the distribution of body shapes in their society was undoubtedly not very different from our own.  We could say likewise about the Romans.

So it’s no wonder that some would think real men are perfect.  After all, no one dreams of living forever with imperfection.  Everyone dreams of living forever with perfect.

But perfect doesn’t exist in mortality because every mortal is imperfect.  The Brethren have repeatedly taught that the perfect marriage is not the union of two perfect people living happily ever after but rather the union of two imperfect people working together towards perfection.  That means real men are imperfect.

---

Real men have issues

These imperfections will often manifest as some issue.  And that issue could prevent a man from publicly indicating any interest in a woman.  Primordial instincts may make men the hunter gender, but primordial instincts don’t take precedence over the psychological forces of the present day.

Real men have imperfections.  Real men have issues.  Some of the those issues we created in each other.  Women who complain about not receiving any invitations to go out and then reject casual dating invitations have trained many men into inaction.  Likewise men whose actions teach that perfection is a prerequisite to being loved have trained  many women to devalue themselves.

The idea that men always go after what they want can’t possibly describe real men.  That’s an idealized fantasy which makes no allowance for the reality that everyone’s imperfect.  To get to know a real man — I mean, really know him — you need to know his reality: his real hopes, his real dreams, his real challenges, and his real imperfections.

The story has been told of a Latter-day Saint who was inspired to look up a scripture referenced in a sacrament meeting talk.  Having that smartphone handy, this citizen of Zion executed the task right then and there.  Soon thereafter, this same member received an email from a fellow ward member that went something like this: “I used to admire you, but that was before I saw you use your smartphone in sacrament meeting.  I can’t believe you would do something so irreverent.”

Sometimes things are not what they appear to be.  Likewise, real men don’t always display the idealized behavior.  They’re imperfect people with issues.

---

Real people want real

Everything said here about real men could also be said about real women.  Real women are imperfect and have issues.  And you’ll never know a real woman until you know her reality.

In the end, real people want real — real relationships with real people; real compensation from a real career; and real rewards from a real life that really moves them closer to their goals and dreams.  They recognize the reality of their challenges but also the reality of their potential to grow and conquer those challenges.

Over four years ago, I declared my desire for real.  I still hold that desire today.  I’ve long since tired of the typical LDS singles life that has me doing the same things over and over while moving me no closer to my goals and dreams.  I want real.  And that’s something you’ll never get from social media memes that don’t understand what real really is.

When we see real men and women for what they really are — people with real imperfections and real issues in the real world — we begin to recognize they aren’t all that different from us, because we too have real imperfections and real issues in the real world.  As we come to embrace that reality, we also embrace the beauty found in the wonderful tapestry that’s the core of God’s work in this real world.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

---

You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode!