Get an outlet

Like many widows and widowers who’ve married in the temple, this older brother didn’t think of himself as single.  Yet that’s exactly what he was.

A few weeks ago I accepted an invitation from the missionaries to attend their weekly gospel study class.  Each class focuses on a new topic from the Gospel Principles manual.

Last week the topic was the scriptures.  The meeting started as normal.  The missionaries introduced some basic concepts and then asked questions to elicit discussion.  Then the meeting quickly derailed as attendees began talking endlessly about their trials.

One elderly gentleman spoke of his difficulty since losing his wife.  Here was a real copy of the Energizer bunny; he went on and on and on about the challenges of being a widower.  My knee jerk reaction — which I’ve learned is almost always wrong — was to tell this guy to get a blog or a journal and then bring the meeting back on track with the topic.

But I chose to refrain from any action, and that gave me the space needed to take a second perspective and reflect.  Like many widows and widowers who’ve married in the temple, this older brother didn’t think of himself as single.  Yet that’s exactly what he was.  And that means he’s part of the audience for Joy in the Journey Radio!

Reflection brought me to another conclusion.  Why was this individual derailing the meeting?  Because he was taking the first opportunity presented to him to fill an unmet need.  He’s not the first to do so, but he could be the last if LDS singles everywhere get an outlet to fill that need.

Secure your release valve

We all have pressure building within us from the stresses of life.  Add in the pressures from the challenges of LDS singles life, and you have a real pressure cooker.  Without a release valve to vent the steam building inside us, we could easily crack or even explode.

And so taking care of ourselves means getting and regularly using an outlet.  This could be a blog, a journal, or talking with a family member or friend.  Whether it occurs in an analog space or a digital one, an outlet provides a healthy way of dealing with the pressures mounting from the challenges of LDS singles life.

Unfortunately, many singles don’t think ahead to prepare in this regard.  The result has played itself out time and time again.  They take whatever first opportunity comes their way as their release valve.  Everything comes gushing out, overwhelming most who hear the onslaught.  They in turn respond by avoiding that subject with the single adult, thereby closing off a potential means of supporting that single adult.

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Attend to your habits

You don’t have to be that way.  With some awareness of the mechanisms operating within you, you can prepare for your needs and live a healthier, happier life.  This is beyond getting an outlet to vent.  This is understanding why you need to vent at all.

That means understanding habit, because habit governs most of what we do, including how we address our need to vent.  Our widower friend in the gospel study class had difficulty because his habit matched a different reality.  He still had the habit of conversing with his wife to vent, even though his wife is no longer here.

That’s the thing about habits.  They continue to operate even when they don’t match the local landscape, even if the circumstances under which they were created no longer apply, and even if performing the actions encoded in those habits cause discomfort or even pain.  We are biologically hardwired to operate out of habit.

And so we see many widowed and divorced singles facing difficulty because they continue to operate out of habits matching a married reality that no longer exists.  They all need to replace the habits they made when they were married with habits that better match their new landscape.

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Minister to the need

I wanted to talk with our widower friend after the meeting, but I had to rush to other commitments.  I did look for him at church but didn’t see him.  I’ll keep looking until I find him.  After all, he needs to get an outlet.  And he needs the new perspectives Joy in the Journey Radio can bring.

That’s something more of us LDS singles could do to support each other.  We can recognize our shared need to get an outlet and then be that outlet for the singles around us.  This is one way we can build our singles groups into the communities of support they should be.

Ultimately, though, you’re responsible for yourself and your care.  So get an outlet.  Provide yourself with the release valve you need and use it regularly.  Take care of yourself, and then you’ll be better able to take care of others.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode.