Enough with the boxes

You can’t do much to change others, but you can do a lot to change yourself.

Last week we discussed the need to involve other people in our lives in order to have our best life.  If you’ve ever tried to do that, you quickly recognized one great truth: Sometimes people decide against you because they put you in a box encouraging them to do so.

It doesn’t matter whether you actually belong in that box.  What matters is their perception, because that’s how they see reality.  And normal people respond accordingly.

You can’t do much to change others, but you can do a lot to change yourself.  And by changing yourself, you give other people permission to change themselves.  By being a example, you show them the path to follow.  And the path we all need to follow is one that says enough with the boxes.

Flip it around

LDS singles are rife with boxes.  We have your YSA and your SA, your midsingles, your senior singles, and your in-between singles.  Whatever happened to coming together and being one?

It went the way of the dinosaur because singles groups are perceived to be about finding an eternal companion.  The larger LDS culture centered on being married with kids drives that perception of singles groups.  No wonder so many LDS singles who want to fit into the larger culture view singles life as something to escape.

And no wonder so many LDS singles find LDS singles life so challenging.  People respond not to reality but to their perception of reality.  If we see singles life as something undesirable, then we won’t want it.  We’ll run away from it.  Additionally, our focus determines our reality.  So if we’re focused on how undesirable our situation is, then our reality will be undesirable.

But we can flip that around.  If we can perceive the good and indeed the pure joy to be found in singles life, then we respond differently.  We see something desirable, something we run towards and not away from.  And when we make that our focus, then our reality becomes something desirable in itself.

---

Start inside you

Of course, all of this becomes much easier to do when the people around us are acting in ways that encourage us to focus on the right perceptions.  That’s why we all need to say enough with the boxes.  It’s much easier to be united when everyone around us has the mentality of truly coming together and being united.

And it all starts inside each one of us.  We need to exemplify to others how they should be.  Otherwise, they’ll just keep on keeping on with their habits of thinking that make life harder for everyone.

I’ve discussed previously the three main perspectives that LDS singles take with singles groups:

1. The Dating Forum
2. The Activity Club
3. The Support Community

The first two perspectives center on self, but the third centers on others.  Obviously, that third perspective is the most effective and the one we should embrace.

How does that happen?  First, you must get leadership on board.  They must perceive your singles group as a support community and not a dating forum or activity club.  Once they have that vision, singles leadership must communicate that vision to the other singles.  They do that by overtly talking about it and practicing it.  And it’s truly beautiful to behold when you can get this going.

---

Throw your boxes away

Again, the biggest obstacle will be the propensity to put people and even programs into boxes.  “Singles groups are just about giving singles a place to congregate,” say some.  “They’re on their own for anything more.”  Such persons relegate singles groups into a box in which a true support community doesn’t fit.

If we truly believe in singles groups as support communities, we’ll throw our boxes away.  So what if the midsingles and senior singles have different interests?  Do we really have to have the same interests to support each other?

Adopting the support community perspective means changing ourselves fundamentally within.  It means laying aside our own agendas so we can serve and truly give of ourselves to others.  It means forgoing the pursuit of our own needs as we surrender ourselves to love and the pursuit of meeting the needs of others.  The miracle is that doing this actually ends up meeting our needs in the end.

Enough with the boxes!  When we all have that same perspective, we can transform our singles groups into true communities of support because we will have discarded the perspectives that blind us to the needs of others.  We can come together and truly love one another.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

---

You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode.