Compare you with you

. . . Many LDS singles unwittingly compare themselves to others.

One of the challenges of LDS singles life comes when you notice everyone around you moving on . . . and you aren’t.  Many LDS singles so situated can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with them.  And my response?  Absolutely nothing.

I remember watching everyone I knew getting married one by one.  I never thought, What’s wrong with me?  But I did wonder, When will my blessings come?  Am I destined to be a Mormon monk, a modern-day equivalent of Moroni watching his previous life disappear and replaced by a lonely existence wandering to and fro in search of some unknown end?

There really was nothing wrong with me, but there was something wrong with my thinking.  Despite seeming natural, these sorts of comparisons with others are never fair.  And I wasn’t alone there; many LDS singles unwittingly compare themselves to others.  But you should compare you with you and no one else.

Understand how you’re built

Comparing yourself to others is inherently unfair.  We all have different backgrounds, different knowledge, different experiences, different ways of seeing the world.  Comparing yourself with others is like comparing apples and oranges.  They’re both fruits, but beyond that they have few similarities.

Yet recognizing that no good comes from that comparison doesn’t stop anyone from doing it.  Why does it seem so natural to compare ourselves with others?  Why are we so prone to make these comparisons despite their inherent unfairness?

The answer is biology.  We’re all biologically hardwired with a basic desire to be loved and accepted.  Since like begets like, that desire translates into a desire to be normal, to fit in, to belong.  And so part of our biological hardwiring assesses what’s normal by comparing ourselves with those around us.

Think of that system as a sort of thermostat.  We set our “temperature” to match the “temperature” of those around us so we’ll be like them and therefore fit in.  This is why fat people who hang out with fat people find it hard to lose weight and fat people who hang out with skinny people find it easier to lose weight.  In both cases, biology prompts the individual to be more like those whom that individual spends substantial time.

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Leverage how you’re built

The same biological hardwiring works in any situation, including the one in which LDS singles feel like Moroni as they watch their friends leave singles life one by one.  They feel out of place because they’re not like those around them.  Time’s progressing, but they don’t seem to be.

How do you deal with such situations?  If your biological hardwiring has you wanting to be like those around you, and you find yourself stuck and unable to be like those around you, are you doomed to a miserable existence?  My response?  Only if you want to be.

You can’t change your biological hardwiring, but you can redirect its influence.  First, recognize both your propensity to compare and the inherent unfairness in comparing yourself with others.  Then accept comparisons only between you and you.  Every time you find yourself comparing you with anyone else, stop, remind yourself how unfair that comparison is, and then compare you with you.

Essentially, you compare the person you are today with the person you were previously.  It may be the person you were last year, last month, last week, yesterday, or even earlier today.  But if you can see a reasonable improvement between the previous and present you, you’re making progress.  And that’s what really matters.

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Grow into something more

Of course, simply making progress doesn’t necessarily satisfy the basic need to belong, especially if everyone one around you isn’t comparing them with them.  But that just highlights the need to choose with caution those with whom you choose to spend your time.  Maximize your time around others who’ll help you compare you with you, and minimize your time around others who won’t.

In the end, it won’t matter whether you did this or that within whatever time frame as much as whether the you at the end is better than any previous you, because that will mean you made progress along the eternal path.  And making progress along that path will mean your time spent in mortality was worthwhile.

Stop comparing yourself with others.  They don’t have the same combination of background, knowledge, experience, and perspective you have.  For all we share in common, our individual experience in mortality really is individual.  So compare you with you and no one else.  You’ll turn your focus more on making the progress you need to make, and that focus will then determine a reality of progress.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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