Last week I described the best vacation I’ve ever had. It imbued me with a new attitude and zest for life. I feel I have endless opportunity to bring my life to the next level. Some of those opportunities I found by identifying knowledge I lack. For example, to improve my relationships with family members, I can acquire better communication skills. I decided to look for a book or other resource that can help me learn those skills. We often think about school when thinking about learning. But sometimes the learning we need is in the local library. We can often create our own “courses” to acquire the knowledge and skills we need with the resources which many libraries provide to their patrons for free. Regardless of the venue, we all need to be learning something in order to take any aspect of life to the next level. There’s even value in learning something simply for the sake of learning. Simply put, if you’re not always learning, then you’re missing out on opportunities to get more out of your life. We believe in learning We Latter-day Saints inherently believe in continuous learning. It’s encoded in our religion. After all, “the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth” (D&C 93:36). In a great treatise on truth, the Lord describes acquiring light so that it grows “brighter and brighter until the perfect day” (D&C 50:24). He later extolled, “Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith” (D&C 88:118). We also have His admonition to “study and learn, and become acquainted with all good books, and with languages, tongues, and people” (D&C 90:15). We don’t have to learn everything at once, “for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength,” but we must be diligent in applying ourselves, “that thereby [we] might win the prize” (Mosiah 4:27). As the Prophet Joseph learned while translating the Book of Mormon, “Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end” (D&C 10:4). And we have the assurance our diligence will be rewarded, “for every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened” (3 Nephi 14:8). Embracing learning in every stage of life can open new pathways to live our religion more fully and deepen the measure of our faith. We have endless opportunity Every stage of life also provides endless learning opportunities. We can acquire new knowledge for our current stage in life or transition into the next. We can also learn for its own sake. I’ve known several single sisters who saw the need to return to school. Providing for their family required earning more income, which they weren’t getting outside of a career path which a college degree would open for them. It certainly wasn’t easy. Just working and raising their children is challenge enough. Adding school into that mix was no picnic, but they squared their shoulders and did what was necessary to conquer the challenge before them. Other LDS singles need simply to learn more about their current career path. Rather than change careers, they need to learn skills that can make them more valuable in the marketplace. If that describes you, seek advice from successful professionals in your field. If you do what they do long enough, their success can be yours. The world is filled with so much to learn about. It’s hard for people on the learning train to get bored. But if they ever do, they can always sit in another car and keep enjoying the ride. Embrace your opportunity What do you need to learn to take your life to next level? What do you need to learn to improve your relationships or your employment? What do you need to learn to grow and embrace the blessings your Heavenly Father has prepared for you? And let’s not forget learning just for the sake of learning. Learning for its own sake is great for enhancing curiosity. And it’s curiosity that opens the doors to greater joy in living. Whatever you need to learn, when you partner with the Lord, you can counsel with Him on how you should proceed. In my life, I’ve often found that the resources I need to learn what I need to learn cross my path if I share my concerns with Him and then proceed about my way with an open mind. Embracing those opportunities has greatly enriched my life. In short, learning simply enhances the value of living. And that brings us more joy in our journey.
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This past weekend I’ve had the best vacation I’ve ever had in my entire life. Most people hearing that declaration will wonder where I went to have such a great time. But my vacation was great not so much for where I went as for what I did. I went to Afton, Wyoming. “Why would you go there?” some of you undoubtedly wonder. “There’s nothing there.” To which I answer, “Precisely.” Recently I’ve felt my life dead end in so many ways. I wanted to search my soul and think deeply about my life. I wanted to re-calibrate myself with a sense of hope that all isn’t lost for me. And I wanted a game plan for taking every part of my life to the next level. For me, that’s all best done surrounded by mountains, fresh air, and as few people as possible. Wyoming’s Star Valley fits that bill to a T. Start with the temple My first order of business was a session in the Star Valley temple. This has to be the absolutely smallest temple I’ve ever seen. There’s only one endowment room, one sealing room, and four sessions per day. I arrived hoping to join the last session. Every seat was already reserved, so the front desk called someone to see what work I might do. I took a seat and waited patiently. Very soon, a temple presidency member came out and greeted me. We shook hands as I expressed my hope in doing a session. Instantly this kind man put his arm around my shoulder. He thanked me for coming in a way that made me feel truly welcome. Then, turning to the attendant at the front desk, he instructed a space be made for me to attend a session. He then offered to show me where to go. I accepted, although the building is so small I couldn’t possibly get lost. Early during my session I began to feel a quiet confidence the blessings I desire are still available and the Lord will walk with me towards their attainment. What a wonderful start to my vacation! Get down to the nitty gritty I spent the next four days writing in a Moleskine notebook. I wanted to take my life to the next level, and I had a plan for how I would proceed. I started by listing every part of my life I wanted to take to the next level — my spiritual life, my relationships (both ones I had and ones I wanted), my career, my own businesses, my residence, my finances — literally everything. Then for each of those individual items, I followed a five step process:
I followed these steps for every individual part of my life, so little wonder I filled 71 pages in my notebook. From those pages I extracted the individual action items (271 in all) that get me started taking my life to the next level. Feel the power Admittedly, 271 action items is a lot, but I need do only one item at a time. And having lots to do is great. It gives hope I’ve got endless opportunity to turn my life around, a realization that brings with it great empowerment. I returned home feeling very powerful and very hopeful I can secure eternal blessings and live the life I want. I now have a new attitude. In that sense, my vacation was truly recreational because I came back re-created. This truly was the best vacation I’ve ever had. If you feel your life has approached a dead end in any or all its aspects, find your own quiet place to search your soul and get back to basics. You’ll find you can do so much to turn your life around. And that feeling of empowerment will bring you more joy in your journey.
I well remember the experience attending my first SA activity after being officially booted from the YSA program. It was a fireside. I was in my 30s, still single, and wondering what the future held for me. As I entered the room, I saw four ladies seated. Before you start thinking how great a 4:1 ratio is in addition to being the only guy in the room, let me add that each of these sisters was old enough to be my grandmother. You can imagine my sense of shock. It was like the part of me that felt young and hopeful had been violently knocked out of me. Though I might chase after it and longed to catch it, I was now unable to do so. I had a similar experience when I turned 40 and still no companion. What spark of hope I had left in me died. This combined with other unfortunate life events at that time led me into a mild but serious depression. As hard as that was, reaching rock bottom prepared me to learn some life lessons. There’s nothing wrong with you Our family-centered culture has given many LDS singles the expectation they would go to college and go on a mission and get a job and somewhere in that mix (after the mission, of course) they would get married and start a family. You don’t think to question that life plan if your life turns out that way. But if you’re one of the many LDS singles whose life hasn’t exactly followed that plan, you’ve asked a lot of questions. Many of those questions are completely understandable and yet completely unwarranted. I kept asking “What is wrong with me?” and “Where are the blessings I was promised for being righteous?” As understandable as these questions are, they’re the wrong ones to ask. First, there was never anything wrong with me. I sure felt like there was, though, especially with the way most ladies responded to my dating invitations. But that’s the thing right there. That evidence I used to conclude there was something wrong with me really said there was something wrong with my approach. Second. the Lord has always wanted to bless me, but He’ll never violate anyone’s agency. How could I get the result I wanted when my approach was all wrong? Of course my invitations had a low success rate; a poor approach always yields poor results. All the fairy godmothers are dead It can be difficult to step outside oneself and question underlying assumptions. I assumed the life plan I received in my youth would work for me. I assumed the scriptures my leaders quoted about God blessing the righteous because of their righteousness meant somehow everything would magically work out for me. But the scriptures also contain stories of people who weren’t prospered even though they were righteous. Abinadi comes quickly to mind. Expecting some fairy godmother to appear magically and make everything right with the wave of a wand just isn’t realistic. Here’s the truth: All the fairy godmothers are dead, assuming they were ever alive. The pain I experienced from turning 30 and 40 with no spouse came from holding onto an unmet unrealistic expectation. Once I let that go and owned my life, which includes accepting responsibility to make my own life plan, much of that pain subsided. In making my own plan, I aim for eternal blessings. I still strive for gospel standards. But I’ve let go of the time table and my preconceived notions of how life is supposed to be. And it’s made a tremendous difference. Don’t wait Since that time, I’ve had some better experiences and some even more painful ones. Although I’m still single, I’m a better man now than I once was because of what I’ve learned and what I’ve become. Recently I’ve encountered the need to get out of town to take some time to myself for some soul searching and serious thinking. And I’m sure to let you know more about it next week after I get back. For now, I just wanted to leave you with the life lessons I’ve just shared. If you’re getting poor results, it means there’s something wrong with your approach, not with you. And all the fairy godmothers are dead. Don’t wait for some magical event to fix everything. Own your life. Life is largely what you make of it. If you want your life to change, then first you must change. Let go of whatever life plan was handed to you and make your own plan to reach eternal blessings in the way the Lord reveals is best for you. Doing that will bring you more joy in your journey.
It’s spring once more. Time for warmer weather and putting away that winter coat. And time for spring cleaning. President Hinckley used to relate the annual tradition his mother would lead. Every spring each child received a portion of the spring cleaning chores to accomplish. Looking back on those days, President Hinckley remarked on the exasperating nature of the labor, but he also extolled the liberation everyone found when the work was done. How refreshing it was to live once more in a clean house! Many of our own homes could use a little elbow grease. We have dirt brought in from the outside world. And we’ve allowed so much stuff to accumulate around us it burdens our ability to feel free in the space we call home. Many of us have additional clutter in the homes of our lives. We find ourselves burdened with dirt left from encounters with the world. And we’ve accumulated so much baggage we’re burdened wherever we go. Yet spring is a joyful season. The change that leaves winter behind reminds us we too can change and leave the winter of our lives behind. We just need to clear the clutter. Clear the physical All the different aspects of our lives — body, mind, heart, and spirit — are interconnected. That’s why we need to clear the clutter from each of these spaces in our lives. And there’s no easier place to start than with the physical clutter. Many years ago I realized I had a lot of stuff. I never let go of anything for fear I would need it once I did. Yet I could also recognized the burden of dragging all this stuff around with me. I refrained from clearing any of it until I realized something substantial. With my income at that time, if I did need whatever I had surrendered, I could just buy myself a new one. And it would be in much better condition than the one I gave away. That realization set me working. I began divesting myself of anything which had no sentimental value and I wasn’t really using. I was donating my items to a local thrift store, so I began tallying the cost of each of these items for a tax deduction. I was amazed to see a deduction of $2000! Clear the other spaces The real surprise, though, was emotional and mental. I had no idea how much my extra stuff burdened me psychologically until I found myself free of it. Had I known before how free I would feel, I would have done it all sooner. Of course, some burdens are purely emotional or mental in nature. We regret something we said or did, or we feel the angst of not meeting a standard others seem to meet with ease. We should just as diligently clear out the clutter of unfair comparisons and broken commitments as we would the clutter which needlessly occupies our physical spaces. The only fair comparison is between who you are now and who you were yesterday. Comparing yourself to others rarely ends well in the short term and never ends well in the long term. You’ll always be chasing after something that isn’t worth capturing even if you could. Far better to live free of the burden of always needing to prove yourself. And of course, broken commitments always hold us back until we do what we can to make amends. Often that involves making a new commitment. Always it means accepting the Savior’s Atonement. Far better to live free of unnecessary burden, especially when our Lord paid such a dear price to make that freedom possible. Clear it all The heaviest burdens to bear are spiritual in nature. Clearing this clutter can require the most effort and offer the greatest reward. And clearing the clutter in one aspect often provides strength and encouragement that makes clearing the clutter in other aspects easier. I saw this with the experience I described earlier. Feeling the freedom from the burden of so many physical things encouraged me to feel that same sense of freedom in other areas of my life. I found it easier to move on from a failed relationship to which I still clung. The freedom I felt from releasing my physical burden gave me hope of feeling something similar after releasing my emotional burden. We can free ourselves of any burden if we clear the clutter from our spaces. So what spring cleaning could you use? What burdens do you need to surrender? You often won’t know how burdened you’ve really been until you remove it. Once you do what is necessary, you’ll feel an invigorating sense of freedom. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
LDS singles life has its ups and downs, just like any other life. Focusing too much on the negative can lead us to overestimate the proportion of challenges in our lives. We can think things are worse than they really are. We can even think life has little if any positive value. Many of us Latter-day Saints have sung, "Then wake up and do something more/ Then dream of your mansions above." How many of us truly live that message? Do we spend our time simply dreaming about the future we want? Do we while away the hours fretting about a past we cannot change? Or do we focus on taking action now, on what we can do in the present moment, to make our dreams reality? The world would have us believe happiness in life comes from having something: money, possessions, status, a significant other. But true happiness comes from living in the moment. That means bringing your all to doing the right things in the here and now, in the today. Stop dreaming about tomorrow or fretting about yesterday at the expense of living today. Regardless of your circumstances, you can be happy in the present moment. Capture a vision Living in the present moment may not appeal to you if your life is dull or unpleasant. Imagining an attractive future will always seem more comfortable. After all, you can imagine anything you want, and it’s really easy to escape there. Hey, Dolly Daydream! Try this much better use for your imagination. Instead of escaping the present unattractive moment, let's put that imagination to work changing the present moment. Let's figure out what you can do today to make today a better, more attractive place. There's a big difference between imagining a better future and creating a positive vision. If you use your imagination simply as an escape, your life will never change. Life changes only when you change. And you generally aren't any better for just dreaming. If you spend all your time dreaming instead of acting, you’re not getting any closer to making that dream reality. Dwelling in a comfortable tomorrow that never comes is a true waste of time. Change yourself Alternatively, you can use your imagination to discover avenues for change. You can create a vision of greatness for your life. And you can take action that lies within your control and unfolds that vision. After all, no one's world changes without action. And no one’s world changes without changes in themselves. It’s human nature to blame everyone else around you and say you’re not where you want to be or who you want to be because of him or her or them or anybody else but yourself. But no one who has that habit is ever happy. That’s because happiness requires you to own your life. Truly happy people aren’t blind to the challenges of mortality. They don’t wear rose-colored glasses and play Polly Anna all day. They simply look to better themselves instead of wishing everything around them were better. They seek to improve upon themselves so they can come off conqueror against their challenges. True happiness is giving your all to the right things in your life. You can’t give your all when you’re constantly looking for someone other than yourself to blame. That’s why happiness requires you to own your life. Accept that where you are and who you are result from choices you’ve made, and then move from that starting point towards the dream destination you desire. Remember your tender mercies Don’t forget to acknowledge the tender mercies all around you. They help you see you're not alone in your journey. The Creator of all things — and that all things includes you — will help you achieve your righteous desires. Each of His tender mercies proves that truth which is both instructive and personally reassuring. Being happy in the present moment, regardless of your circumstances, requires that you surrender your cares to the Lord and yourself to love. He Who calmed the winds and the waves invites
No matter what obstacles you face, He can and will help you achieve the blessings He wants you to have. The winds and the waves still obey Him. They always have, and they always will. While your journey may at times be uncomfortable, He can, does, and will help you to make it enjoyable.
Remembering His tender mercies reminds us He loves us and will never abandoned us. Remembering His strength gives us strength to trust all will be well in the end. And those memories provide courage to continue stepping forward in our lives. When you have that faith, you can truly be happy in the present moment. And that will bring more joy in your journey.
I truly believe the global leaders of the Church care about singles. But somehow that doesn’t always translate down to the local level. Many LDS singles find themselves constantly ignored, or at best tolerated, in their wards and stakes. Although ministering to singles can easily get lost in the bustle of everything vying for our leader’s time and attention, many local leaders simply don’t know how to minister effectively to singles. In an effort to help remedy that deficiency, lately I’ve been discussing how our leaders can minister more effectively to LDS singles, first at the stake level, and then at the ward level. Last week I explored how singles can provide our local leaders with a great example by ministering to each other. After all, our local leaders will be more inclined to help us if we’re seen to be busy helping ourselves as much as possible. While we LDS singles are about helping each other, what’s to say helping our leaders shouldn’t be a part of that effort? If our leaders will be more inclined to help us when they see us doing what we can to help ourselves, how much more inclined will they be to help us if they see us doing what we can to help them? See what you need I’ve discussed the great need of many singles to have someone to walk with them. I believe having someone to walk with us is the greatest unmet need we LDS singles as a collective community have. Life is hard, but it’s even harder when you’re left to walk that journey alone. Our Heavenly Father instituted marriage in part to provide a measure of support. Spouses can help each other and ascend together towards their heavenly home. We singles have the same celestial destination but no spouse to support us. And when all effective ministering to us from all parties is lacking, that need for support is all the greater. That’s why home teachers and visiting teachers play such a crucial role in ministering to singles. They’re best positioned to be that someone to walk with the singles under their charge. Visiting singles should never be to complete a perfunctory assignment. Rather the focus should point towards building a genuine supportive relationship with another human being. In essence, it’s being a real friend. Give what you need But the friendship street runs both ways. We singles can easily get absorbed in the focus of what we fail to have when the more important focus is often what we fail to give. Expecting a true friend to come into our lives when we ourselves aren’t being that true friend to others is an exercise in futility. As with all human relationships, it’s the little things that often matter most. We should seek out the ways, small though they may be, that we can provide assistance to those around us. Others will more readily want to connect to someone who is helpful than someone who is insular. As we singles do the little things that encourage others to build the relationships with us we need to support us in our journey through mortality, finding those who will be willing to do the heavy lifting when the time comes will be easier. That’s natural law — the Law of Restoration. Alma explained very well this law:
If you want something to come into your life, then bring that same something into the lives of others. In life, you get what you give. Get what you give Obeying the Law of Restoration is very empowering. It places control for our lives into our hands. As we focus on doing what lies within our power, we open ourselves to the positive energy attending those who truly enjoy life. Focusing on doing what lies within our power also encourages us to own our lives. You’ll never have the fullness of joy you can enjoy right now without taking responsibility for how your life has resulted. Only when you own your life do you open yourself to enjoying your present situation in life despite its myriad of imperfections. And it will always have imperfections. If you’re one of many LDS singles who wish that those in your ward and stake would walk with you, then you need first to walk with them. Doing what lies in your power to send out what you want to receive will make receiving it more likely. It will help you to own your life. And it will bring you more joy in your journey.
Last week I shared my only goal for 2017 — live my best life. Living your best life is more about the journey than the destination. That’s because, when we depart mortality, we reach the next stage of our progression rather than a finality. Along the way, our changes mark our progress. Living your best life includes some changes. But you’ll find yourself stagnant with the passage of time without permanent change. I recently lamented the lack of change in my life, especially over the past year. This experience led me to seek after my best life. I don’t want to find myself no better off at this same time next year. How do we change so that we don’t repeat making the same goals for ourselves each year? Forget willpower Recently I’ve been investigating that question and discovered some amazing ideas supported by social science research. Many think of change as simply a matter of willpower. You don’t exercise or you eat junk food or you have a less meaningful career or floundering relationships because that’s what you choose. If only you were more determined, you could make whatever change you need. But social science research offers a different story. You fail to make change permanent not for lack of will but rather for insufficient understanding and preparation. When you’re outnumbered by influences you don’t understand and for which you make no provision, the math simply works against you. The first step towards making change permanent is to change the way you think. You need to discard false assumptions and adopt valid ones. No matter your resolve, it’s hard to win the day when you bring a knife to gun fight. Fight fire with fire Here a wonderful book entitled Change Anything by Kerry Patterson et. al. provides much assistance. Based in modern social science research, this book describes how leveraging six major influences promotes any positive change. Those who account for these six influences in their change efforts are ten times more likely to succeed. Of course they would be. Instead of bringing a knife to a gun fight, they brought a gun — and not just a one-shot Derringer but something like an AR-15. Good preparation always promotes good performance. Here’s a very brief synopsis of the six change influences:
The book details how you do all that and provides examples of application. Get your Magnificent Seven I highly recommend the methodology in this book, but I’m adding a seventh item. You need to partner with the Lord. Social science has revealed influences underlying more permanent positive change. The restored gospel has also revealed change influences, most importantly the Atonement. President Ezra Taft Benson once said the world would change men from the outside in, but Christ takes men and changes them from the inside out. When you partner with the Lord, He can reveal to you the specific guidance you need to change more effectively and efficiently. I recently experienced this for myself. I brought the Lord a problem that concerned me greatly. As I discussed my concern with Him, an idea came to mind. Pursuing that idea replaced my concerns with faith and optimism in living my best life with confidence. Do you want to be right where you are today in January 2018? Or do you want to make positive changes and live your best life? Understand the influences involved, partner with the Lord to leverage them to your advantage, and you can live your best life and more. You can change forever. And that will certainly bring you more joy in your journey.
I’ve been thinking about the Church’s new videos regarding diversity. Although they spoke in more general terms, last week I praised the Brethren for highlighting an issue challenging many LDS singles. We should all be one in Christ. Those musings have played in my mind. Just as the Brethren have generalized their message that applies to LDS singles fitting into the culture of the Church, so I have generalized my thinking to applications in my own life and that of the average LDS single. I use that word average loosely. The LDS singles demographic is wildly diverse. Yet for all our differences, we’re considerably similar. We’re all children of a Heavenly Father Who loves us. We’ve all made covenants to keep His commandments. And most of us want to keep those covenants. Most of us also want to make an additional covenant binding us eternally to a very special someone. Nevertheless, many of us decrease the likelihood of that event by not dedicating ourselves and our time appropriately. A wake up call We LDS singles often say we’ve prioritized making that next essential covenant. But have we really? What does what we do say? That’s the real determinant. It’s so very easy for life to carry us along, but those who live their best life don’t just collide with the waves. They make waves of their own. A wave maker is far more attractive than a wave taker. Yet too often we’re so absorbed in the moment we don’t see the forest from the trees. We need an occasional reminder to step back and re-calibrate. This is my wake up call. Let it be yours too. Examining my life, I have to conclude marriage really isn’t my top priority. My top priority right now is my job. It has been since this summer. I completely understand how that happened, and I freely forgive myself for those choices. But now I need to choose differently to adopt my desired priorities. The consumption problem Work isn’t the only inordinate consumer of time. Many LDS singles fill their time with sports or games or media. These activities aren’t bad in and of themselves. In fact, in the proper context, these activities can be very good. The problem comes when we allow consumption to swallow too much of our time. Modern society promotes consumption. Ours is a world of information overload delivered through a multitude of multimedia platforms. Social media and more traditional media outlets beckon us away from our normal worlds into a place promising ease and pleasure. And considering how hard we all work in that “normal world,” it’s hard to reject the siren song of consumption. Yet how is the world better when everyone spends the bulk of their personal time consuming content? How much better are our lives because we’ve been absorbed with social media and playing games and watching movies and all the rest? And for LDS singles, how much more attractive are you because you’ve spent all this time in consumption? Will that special someone really want to share your life filled with so many hours consuming content? A personal ministry No one’s really that attracted to someone doing little else than consume. Consumers spend their time taking, and constantly taking doesn’t build a strong foundation for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Conversely, producers spend their time making. They make the world a different place, if only in a small way. And if what they bring into the world adds to its goodness, that difference is a positive one. Someone actively bringing goodness into the world is far more attractive than someone actively bringing gratification to oneself. That first life appeals far more. That’s what adopting a personal ministry can do for LDS singles. Find your own way to bring goodness into the world, an outlet through which you can release passionate creativity and make a positive difference in the lives of others. Consumers take, but producers make. I could rationalize my job as an educator into my personal ministry. Education makes a positive difference in the lives of students. Yet I know my real personal ministry is developing this forum into a community where LDS singles can feel the support they need to journey on. A personal ministry can do that for all of us. Consistently bringing goodness into the world will make us more attractive to the eternal companion we really need than anything else so oriented. Like I said, this is my wake up call. Don’t be a consumer. Be a producer. Adopt a personal ministry today, or recommit yourself to yours if you already have one. We’ll have much more joy in our journey when we do.
Heaven indeed hears our cries. This past weekend the Church released a new series of seven videos. I’m excited to see what seems like the Brethren in Salt Lake attempting to change the culture of the Church. Without diminishing the role of the family in the gospel plan, they seem to be encouraging members to replace our current family-centered culture with a Christ-centered culture, one in which all members feel they belong. The speakers in the new videos don’t directly call out the problem of singles not fitting in with the family-centered culture of the Church, although they scream that very message as I watch them. I suspect the Brethren want to speak in more general terms so their message can have broader application. Whatever their reasoning, I support the Brethren. Although not every video addresses the problem many singles have with attending church, most of them do. And they do it without mentioning the words single, married, or family. Here’s the new videos by speaker and title.
Note that all the brethren are apostles and the two sisters serve in general auxiliary presidencies. Although all these videos are outstanding, the comments from Elder Christofferson and Sister McConkie most impressed me. Walking together Since I’m a gentleman, let’s consider the lady first. Sister McConkie does a bang-up job of calling attention to the neglected and ignored among us. Even though she never says the word single, you know she’s talking about singles. Sister McConkie admits she knows “people who come to church every Sunday so they can be inspired and uplifted and who just simply walk away feeling judged and unloved, unneeded, like there is no place for them at church. We need to do this differently.” Can I get an amen? Seriously, if that’s not a call to change the culture, albeit a tongue-in-cheek one, I don’t know what is. She continues, We cannot allow judgement to dictate the way we interact with people. It’s just not right. . . . We just cannot be or even call ourselves a disciple of Christ if we are not helping others along that path. The gospel of Jesus Christ does not marginalize people. People marginalize people. And we have to fix that. We need to be sensitive and love them and allow them the opportunity to grow and to blossom and to be their best selves. They have talents and abilities and personality that is needed in the kingdom of God, and if we’re going to build the kingdom of God on the earth we need everyone to come, to come and do their part. And we need to recognize that. When anyone’s shadow darkens the door of the chapel, they ought to feel immediately embraced and loved and lifted and inspired, that when they walk out that door, to go and be better because they know the Lord loves them and because they have friends in their faith. Wow! That sweet vision would make a wonderful reality for LDS singles everywhere! We need to walk together, singles and marrieds, helping each other along the journey to our eternal home. I love that bit about building the kingdom. If we’re going to be serious — I mean really serious — about building God’s Kingdom on earth, then we have to include every faithful soul. We do play a part, but it’s not about us. It’s about everyone, and that means reaching out to include everyone so everyone can play their part. Coming together Elder Christofferson does no less in maintaining that glorious banner. He directly pursues the question of fitting in with a positive and emphatic yes. Like the speakers in the other videos, he never uses words like single, married, and family. Yet we all know his words apply in that context. He then brings up Paul’s classic analogy that we’re all “many members yet but one body” in Christ (1 Corinthians 12:20). I especially love Paul’s rhetoric questions: "If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?” (1 Corinthians 12:15–17) In God’s design for His Kingdom, everyone willing to make covenants with Him is needed. The problem comes when many LDS singles don’t feel needed. I love how Elder Christofferson acknowledges the reality of such feelings and then offers a two prong solution: The diversity we find now in the Church may be just the beginning. Frankly, I think we’ll see greater and greater diversity. In the ancient church there was tremendous diversity. And it’s not just diversity for diversity’s sake, but the fact that people can bring different gifts and perspectives and the wide range of experience and backgrounds and challenges that people face will show us what really is essential in the gospel of Christ and that much of the rest that’s been perhaps acquired over time and is more cultural than doctrinal can slip away and we can really learn to be disciples. So on the one hand, we’ve got to be better as a people at receiving and helping and walking together with everybody, and on the other hand, every individual needs to be determined that they’re going to have a place in the kingdom of God. They’re going to have a place in the body of Christ. And others who are thoughtless or careless or worse can’t prohibit that, can’t drive them away, can’t take it away from them” (emphasis added). Yes, LDS singles need to own their life and control their reality by controlling their focus. At the same time, I love Elder Christofferson’s recognition that some of what we do is “more cultural than doctrinal [and] can slip away.” I’ll gladly place our alienating family-centered culture on that list. Of course, changing that culture means coming together and being real disciples of the Master. But isn’t that we should be doing anyway? Rising together A new day is dawning. The time when LDS singles needed to have the mark of belonging to the Church community to get the help they need is dying. Rising is a time when true disciples of the Lord reach out and bring all willing to make covenants with God together in a grand, diverse unity of the faith. Single and married will be situations, not identities. And the culture we embrace and promote will center on the Savior, He Who spilt His precious blood so that all of us could be redeemed. The time has come for us to walk together. The time has come for us to embrace a true unity of the faith. The time has come for us to be true disciples of Christ and start building the Kingdom for real. The time has come for us to change the culture.
Occasionally I step into social media. What I see usually doesn’t strike me as all that meaningful, further convincing me to limit my social media participation. Still, what I sometimes see makes me think. And sometimes I see something like that often enough that I feel compelled to say something. In one form or another, it’s an incarnation of the meme you see here. I have no issue with imparting advice. Social media seems especially adept for that, and I’ve certainly done as much repeatedly in my blog and on my program. Just last week I gave advice to local leaders on how to partner in order to minister to singles. So giving advice doesn’t annoy me. What annoys me is the advice being given. Let’s dig a bit deeper into what we have here. Standing in the way On the surface, the advice seems to make sense. Step out of your rose-smelling world and take a whiff of reality. Guys chase after what they want, so if he’s not chasing you, he’s not interested in you. But that logic rests on a false assumption. Yes, guys chase after what they want, provided they have no issues standing in their way. Last time I checked, guys are human beings with lots of imperfections. I’m fully qualified to speak here because I am a guy and (hard as it may be for some of you to believe) I do have imperfections. In fact, I’ve never claimed to be anything less than a walking construction zone. I can recall many moments when I failed to chase an interesting woman. Mostly I abdicated my own agency to some unresolved issue because I did not own my life. When I was younger, I feared getting rejected. I know some women scoff at that very real issue, but having lived through it I can tell you repeated rejection does horrible things to a man’s psyche and his sense of self. Simply discounting that reality prevents understanding and keeps many of us — men and women — single longer than we need to be. Understanding a better way We’re called adults, but the truth is we all mature at different rates, at different times, and in different ways. When I was in my 20s, fear could easily block my path. I hadn’t yet matured beyond my fear. I didn’t really realize what an illusion fear really is. Thus, I would often fail to take advantage of opportunities to secure the blessings I longed to have. What would have happened, though, had someone reached out and helped me to overcome my obstacles? How different would my life be today? How many more righteous families would exist today? Rejecting a potential candidate simply for having an imperfection seems incredibly immature (and especially when you phrase it like that). But last time I checked, women are human beings, too. They have their own imperfections. They’re walking construction zones in their own right. Our journey would be much more enjoyable if we replaced judgment with love and a quickness to reject with an eagerness to understand. That doesn’t mean we don’t have standards. But it does mean we lend support to those who, as they are right now, fail to meet those standards today. True friendship means extending understanding and support to reach a higher standard. Besides, being willing to help one another along the road to perfection characterizes the best marriages. If we can’t help each other while we’re single, even when a relationship has no romantic aspect to it, what can we expect from marriage? Helping along the way Instead of spreading pseudo-common-sense based on faulty assumptions that serve more to keep us separated, let’s spread understanding based on fortifying love — the kind of love embodied in the Atonement of our Lord and Savior. His example of reaching out to the one and showing compassion for individual needs and concerns should inspire our interactions with one another. That applies to men and women alike. And who knows? Perhaps in encouraging someone to overcome personal issues, you may find the very companion you are seeking. What at first may not have captured your attention because he or she was “obviously” not right for you may unveil itself to be more than you ever hoped of having and calling yours. Again, we can have standards in our search for eternal companionship, as well we should. But we should not abandon others simply because they don’t meet those standards. We should instead abandon the rashness to judgment that blinds us from seeing others as they truly are. Helping each other along the way, whether or not offering that help provides us with any immediate advantage, will surely bring us more joy in our journey. |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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