What you want in dating

. . . you need balance to find the right place for what you want in dating.

As I finished the broadcast last week, I mentioned very briefly the proper place of what you want in dating.  I spent nearly the whole program discussing how dating isn’t about what you want but about what you bring.  That left time for no more than a brief mention of where what you want fits into the dating journey.

And it does fit.  We’re not interchangeable parts.  Our individual uniqueness can heighten our attractiveness to the right companion.  The expression of that individual uniqueness can foster additional enrichment in a thriving relationship.  The truly enjoyable dating journey is like the truly enjoyable life journey; neither is about checking items off a to-do list.

The problem LDS singles have comes when they give too much prominence to what they want.  Then dating becomes all about satisfying their demands to the exclusion of what they have to offer.  As we discussed last week, taking your dating focus off of what you bring takes you out of alignment with the fundamentals of the dating journey.  That’s why you need balance to find the right place for what you want in dating.

Be the best complement

As we’ve discussed more times than I can count, your focus determines your reality.  So you won’t truly enjoy your dating journey with the wrong focus.  Enjoying your dating journey requires a focus leading to that reality.

What’s that focus?  There’s a huge clue in the definition of happiness we’ve discussed so many times on this program.  Happiness is giving your all to all the right things for you.  That definition applies just as much to dating as it does to any other part of life.

Being the best complement to your eternal companion, whether or not that person is now in your life, is one of those right things for you.  And happiness comes when you give your all to that and every other right thing for you.  That’s why truly enjoyable dating is about what you bring.

Yet too often LDS singles focus solely on themselves.  They think of their dating journey as the search for what they want, so much so they think little if at all about what they bring to a potential relationship.  As we discussed last week, it’s not about what you want.  When you align yourself with the fundamentals of what you’re trying to do, you find your path to success easier.

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Reject the natural mindset

Notice I said easier, not easy.  The propensity to approach dating with the focus of what you want is rooted mainly in the natural mindset, which will dominate you if you don’t dominate it.  And that fight for domination isn’t always easy.

That’s because the natural mindset always prioritizes self-gratification over all else.  The natural mindset also always leads to misery.  What else do you expect from a constant focus on taking in order to satiate one’s own desires?  We’ve all been around people who constantly take and give little if anything in return.  No one wants to be around those people.

We all want to be around those who constantly give and take little if anything in return.  So your dating focus should be on being that person.  Be the complement your companion needs, and you’ll more easily find the complement you need in a companion.

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Stop chasing after complication

This isn’t to say that what you want plays no role in dating.  You’ll of course make choices in who you decide to date, both casually and exclusively.  In these two stages of the dating journey, you have many opportunities to express what you want and the individual uniqueness underlying those inclinations.

But ultimately what you want from your dating journey is a thriving, enriching relationship.  What you want is a complement.  Yet too many chase complication by focusing their efforts too much on what they want to receive and too little on what they have to give.  When you adjust your focus to align with the fundamentals of the dating journey, you’ll stop embracing complication in your dating life because you’ll quit chasing after it.

Balancing what you want in a companion and what you should be in a companion isn’t easy.  But LDS singles who strive to strike that balance center their efforts around complementation.  They focus on being a better complement for the person they want in their life.  This is the right place for what you want in dating.  When you embrace it, dating really will become more about what you bring.  You’ll find it easier to make you a better you and make your life more interesting, thereby making you more agreeable to a potential partner.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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