What will you bring?

Happiness in marriage is found more from what you give than from what you get.

Have you ever heard a single woman respond to the question “What are you looking for in a man?”  These days the answer tends to be some huge laundry list of perfections so long that no man in the real world can possibly possess all of them.

Of course, that’s not a woman thing.  Single men do this too.  They have their own list of “standards,” though admittedly the list most men have is much shorter.

But the focus among both genders is the same.  Many singles believe their singles life will end when the right someone brings them their happiness.  In their search for their eternal companion, they ask, “What does this person bring me?”  But that model is totally backwards.  Happiness in marriage is found more from what you give than from what you get.  So the real question singles should ask themselves is “What will you bring?”

Watch your focus

And yes, I said singles should ask that question of themselves.  Your focus determines your reality, so if you don’t like your reality, take a look at your focus.  Making that change on the inside can make all the difference in your world on the outside.

And because we’re all designed to operate out of habit, whatever focus we do have we’ll continue to use over and over again.  That’s great if your focus creates a reality you want and not so great if your focus creates a reality you don’t want.

But it all starts within, so to change your reality on the outside, change your focus on the inside.  If your focus in dating is all about you and what someone else is going to bring you, then you’ll likely attract only those with a similar focus.  And the only reason they’ll want you is more because of what they think they can get from you and not so much with who you really are.

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Dating isn’t shopping

It’s little wonder we think this way.  Modern dating has an increasingly online component, so much so that we bring to dating the same thinking — the assumptions, perspectives, attitudes, and habits — that comprise our online life in other aspects.  And pretty much everyone spends a substantial proportion of that life online shopping.

The Internet makes getting pretty much whatever you want so very easy.  You look around at options from different offerings, compare prices, read and weigh reviews, and make a purchase.  A couple or so days later, your order arrives right at your door.  There’s no need to go anywhere.  And if what you get isn’t really what you want, you get rid of it.

We do the same thing with dating.  We swipe past photos of potential candidates who aren’t cream of the crop, filter profile details, and maybe read what others write.  We’d never reach out to a company offering an inferior product; we simply wouldn’t buy.  So why would we even think about talking to a dating candidate offering what appears to be an inferior candidacy?  The “right” one will arrive on our door in a timely manner and just lift us into bliss, because isn’t that what happens when your relationship is really right?

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Find real happiness

Are you catching the focus in this common approach?  It treats people like things, which of course trips us up because people are not things.  But it’s also all about what you get.  And that’s completely backwards because happiness in marriage is more about what you give than what you get.

Long time audience members will know I define happiness as giving your all to all the right things for you.  Notice there’s no getting in that definition.  It’s all about what you give, and it’s giving all of you to all that’s right for you.  Certainly your spouse counts as one of those right things.

Now I’m not suggesting we’re all interchangeable parts who can just marry anyone and be blissfully happy based entirely on what we give.  The relationship we’re talking about here is a two-way street; it can’t be all give and no get, for either partner.  But too often we focus so much on the getting that we ignore the more major contribution of the giving.

So instead of asking, “What will this person bring?” when evaluating a dating prospect, ask yourself, “What will you bring?”  When you focus on getting good with you on the inside and making the changes to make you the best you you can be, in that process you’ll cross paths with someone who’ll want to share the life you’re creating, a life in which you each give to each other the best you each have to give.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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