Still not a father

Now I find myself at another crossroads. . . . And yet with all these changes about me, one thing remains unchanged.  I’m still not a father.

With Father’s Day approaching, I’ve been thinking.  I can remember when the day reminded me of how I wasn’t a father.  And I can remember how miserable I felt living with unfulfilled expectation.

I was accepting the life plan our LDS culture hands us as we enter adulthood — get married in your 20s and start having children.  When that didn’t happen for me, I began to fear my opportunity for eternal blessings was passing me by.  If I didn’t get on the train soon, I’d be left forever at the station.

That fear came from focusing too much on others’ choices and what lay outside my control.  That focus produced a reality of lack and loss of control.  I lived as a victim.  When I focused more on my choices and what I could control, my reality became one of hope and optimism.  I began living as a victor.

Now I find myself at another crossroads.  My father has surgery tomorrow to remove his returned skin cancer.  My brother might visit this weekend, which may be the last time we see each other for awhile since I’m preparing to begin a new job on the East Coast.  And yet with all these changes about me, one thing remains unchanged.  I’m still not a father.

Pondering on a prophet

I remember sitting in the stake center as a young man watching President Ezra Taft Benson address the single men of the Church in General Conference.  As he declared that the time would come when those who ignored fatherhood would feel and know their loss, I remember thinking to myself, That won’t be me!  I’m going to follow the prophet.

As time passed, however, that commitment challenged me.  Sure, I could’ve married one of numerous desperate LDS women.  But they interested themselves more in being a wife and mother than in being my companion because that was the only identity they could accept for themselves.  My conscience couldn’t accept joining with someone who saw me as filler material, a means to their own end.

Now my mind ponders that prophetic counsel I heard so many years ago as a young man.  Am I any closer to compliance?  Or have I allowed other pursuits to lull me into a more comfortable place where I substitute the greater growth from fatherhood with the lesser growth of other pursuits?

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Searching for balance

Clearly, we single LDS men must walk a fine line.  Obsession with marriage will drive us increasingly crazy while driving away quality candidates.  At the same time, we can’t become so absorbed in the activities we use to stay that obsession that we don’t progress towards a happy and healthy marriage.  We need balance.

Note I said happy and healthy.  We’re not interchangeable parts.  Compatibility is important.  At the same time, compatibility is not a litmus test.  The success of any union depends more on the choices of the participants than on any intrinsic characteristics.  Again, we need balance.

I think about that balance as I ponder my father’s surgery tomorrow.  That surgery isn’t all that different from the previous one, which he survived just fine.  Yet when he announced the return of his cancer, my father encouraged my siblings and I to consider what would be done to help Mother should he pass away soon.  I find myself balancing his fear against my optimism that everything will work out for the best.

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Declaring mighty faith

The faith inviting me to live in that realization encourages me onward with optimism.  No, I’m not a father . . . yet.  I don’t know how the Lord will bless me, but I know He loves me and will support me as He always has.  That knowledge sustains me as I walk by faith through mortality.

I’m also not the same person now I once was.  Sure, I’m just as single now as when I came home from my mission, but I’m not the same man that stepped off that plane bringing me home.  In more ways than not, I’m a much better man.  And as I strive to be phenomenal in every aspect of my life, I’ll become more and more irresistible to that woman with whom the Lord intends to bless me.

I’m still not a father.  But that won’t be true forever.  The Lord will not abandon me.  Nor will He abandon any of you.  So if Father’s Day has brought you to serious reflection, be the victor and not the victim.  Partner with the Lord, and let Him lead you along.  Your path ahead is glorious.  When you see with eyes of faith, you’ll recognize the brightness of that light.  You’ll capture the optimism born of hope in that bright future.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

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You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode.