Scrap dating checklists

. . . when you understand their effect, it’s easy to see we need to scrap dating checklists.

We’ve all made checklists.  They’re simple, effective tools for organizing tasks and tracking progress.  They’re also effective at assuring good comparisons.  For example, my grocery list helps me ensure what’s in my cart compares well with what I need to buy.

But not all tools are good for all jobs, and unfortunately many LDS singles ignore that truth when they extend the use of lists into dating.  If you’re expecting me to say lists have no place when dating, you’re going to be disappointed.  Short lists of deal breakers aligned with eternal values can be effective when dating.

That said, the deal breaker lists many LDS singles have align more with worldly values than eternal ones and are anything but short.  For all the talk in church about being spiritual, evidence that LDS singles are influenced by the dating culture of the world abounds in the choices LDS singles make when dating.  But when you understand their effect, it’s easy to see we need to scrap dating checklists.

Dating is not shopping

For anything in life, some approaches are simply more effective than others.  Part of what makes an approach more effective is the joy it can provide throughout your journey and not just how quickly it can get you to the end.  Case in point: The shopping list I mentioned earlier.  Here’s a ready example of how we should not approach dating.

Although every relationship has a transactional aspect, romantic relationships are not as fulfilling and ennobling if they’re entirely transactional.  In fact, purely transactional relationships always eventually break down.  That’s because a tit-for-tat approach never produces the best relationships.  They develop as each partner freely gives to the other without expecting anything in return.

Approaching dating with a shopping attitude promotes just the opposite.  The relationship you have with the worker at the checkout stand is purely transactional.  You’re not looking for anything long-term or complicated.  You’re looking for a quick way to exchange the value you have (your money) for the value you want (the items in your cart) and then to walk away.

It’s not hard to see how that approach to dating isn’t all that effective, and yet our language betrays us.  Language always reveals thinking, and when we talk about people who are no longer available to date as “off the market,” we’re clearly thinking of dating like shopping.

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It’s how you think

That’s not the only way we approach dating like shopping.  We talk about potential dating candidates in terms of their “market value,” with top shelf candidates having high market value and others having low market value.  We scroll through dating apps and online dating profiles the same way we shop for something online.  And we constantly think of dating as the search for someone with qualities we want, very much like the way we think of shopping as the search for something with qualities we want.

That thinking of dating as shopping naturally drives us to make a list.  As I said previously, lists aren’t necessarily bad.  If it’s short and contains only deal breakers aligned with eternal values, a dating list can be very effective.  That said, the lists many LDS singles have are anything but short and often contain few if any items aligned with eternal values.  For example, your partner’s height has nothing to do with eternal progression, and yet how many singles insist on dating only those who meet a minimum height requirement?

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Proper lists for dating

As I said before, the best relationships come from each partner freely giving to the other without expecting anything in return.  That doesn’t mean we’re interchangeable parts.  Dating does have a transactional aspect, and using a few essential items to build a foundation for your relationship can satisfy that transactional aspect.  That’s where the short list I mentioned earlier can prove effective.

The problem comes when that list isn’t short.  We don’t want just anyone, so we add deal breakers to a list to qualify candidates.  But every item we add reduces our dating pool and with it our probability of success.  In this way, long lists of deal breakers assure singles stay single.

That’s why we need to scrap dating checklists.  They represent a less effective approach that decreases the probability of success.  In their place, we should embrace a new dating attitude, one less focused on finding perfection and more focused on supporting others to become more perfected.  We could even extend that to ourselves focusing more on what we bring to a potential relationship than what we want to have.  Making these changes in our thinking will produce more effective actions which in turn will yield more effective results.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

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