Let's ascend together

Posting about Conference always challenges me — so many great messages for singles!  This recent Conference was no exception.

If you disagree because Conference emphasized families, think again.  Talk of what we singles lack doesn’t exclude us.  Feeling the lack of support along our journey does.

That’s why Sister Burton’s wonderful address “We’ll Ascend Together” resonated with me.  I believe her description of unity within marriages and families can and should include singles.

We need each other

My vision won’t surprise long time readers of this blog or anyone who’s read the introduction to my upcoming book.  (You can download the first 60 pages for free here.)  We need to come together.  That’s why I love this line from Sister Burton’s address:

    Brothers and sisters, we need each other!

So true!  Yet so infrequently exemplified when considering the singles. That’s why I love Sister Burton’s remark.  Accepting that we need each other helps us drop our own agendas and surrender to love.  Only by surrendering to love do we build Zion, because Zion can’t be built unless we do it together.

Sister Burton continues:

---

As covenant-keeping women and men, we need to lift each other and help each other become the people the Lord would have us become. And we need to work together to lift the rising generation and help them reach their divine potential as heirs of eternal life. We could do as Elder Robert D. Hales and his wife, Mary, have done and follow the proverb "Thee lift me and I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together."

Translation: We’re all on the same journey together.  So let’s walk together!  That means marrieds supporting singles and singles supporting marrieds.  How else do we develop a true unity of the faith?

Change the culture

We truly “are here to help, lift, and rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves.” But too often our LDS culture conditions acceptance on marriage.

We need to change the culture in the Church to embrace a true unity of the faith.  Very often marrieds and singles aren’t unified because we see each other through the lenses of labels.  But what if we all saw each other as keepers of shared covenants?  Instead of focusing on the one covenant we don’t share, let’s focus on the more numerous other gospel covenants we do share.  Instead of putting each other into boxes, let’s see each other as members of the same group, one striving to keep shared sacred covenants to follow the same Savior.

As I’ve posted before, I don’t think that’s going to happen until we singles make the first move.  If we want our married friends to support us more, then we first need to support them more.  Only then will they feel inclined to support us.  Only then will we enter a space where we truly cheer each other on.

In a chapter about families, the Church handbook contains this statement: "The nature of male and female spirits is such that they complete each other." Please note that it does not say "compete with each other" but "complete each other"! We are here to help, lift, and rejoice with each other as we try to become our very best selves. Sister Barbara B. Smith wisely taught, "There is so much more of happiness to be had when we can rejoice in another's successes and not just in our own." When we seek to "complete" rather than "compete," it is so much easier to cheer each other on!

Oft speak kind words

Of course, I loved Sister Burton’s next emphasis on acting by conscious choice.

I’ve posted before about our need to stop living life on autopilot.  We need to replace our less effective habits of mediocre, savorless living with more effective habits of vibrant, joyful living.  And embracing joy means spreading it.  When you spread joy to others, you increase your ability to feel the joy already sown in the sinews of the universe God created for everyone.  That joy is free for the taking.

Sister Burton then asked five questions which may appear to apply more to marrieds than singles.  But she did say her questions could apply to singles “with a little adaptation.”  And I’m more than happy to oblige in that regard [along with commentary].

Sisters and brothers, how often do we intentionally "speak kind words to each other"?

We might test ourselves by asking a few questions. With a little adaptation, these questions can apply to most of us, whether we are married or single, whatever our home situation might be.

    1.    When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?
    2.    When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?
    3.    When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?
    4.    When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness-without adding the words "but if only you had" or "but if only you hadn't"?
    5.    When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be "right"?

   1.    When was the last time I sincerely praised my bishop or stake president, either alone or in the presence of his family?  [If we refuse to support our leaders while complaining about our leaders not supporting us, we’re getting what we deserve.]

    2.    When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for the  married members of my ward in prayer?  [The support we offer can’t be feigned or rote as though checking an item off a to-do list.  It must come from a genuine reality deep within us.]

    3.    When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful? [No adaptation needed here.]

    4.    When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words "but if only you had" or "but if only you hadn't"? [Again, no adaptation needed.]

    5.    When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be "right"? [Happiness really is a choice, so get your happy on!]

Bringing it all (and us) together

Sister Burton concludes her message with these wonderful words:

As I have prepared for this opportunity today, the Spirit has taught me, and I have committed to speak words of kindness more often to my cherished companion and about him, to lift the men in my family and express gratitude for the ways they fulfill their divine and complementary roles. And I have committed to follow the proverb "Thee lift me and I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together."

Will you join me in seeking the help of the Holy Ghost to teach us how we can better lift each other in our complementary roles as covenant sons and daughters of our loving heavenly parents?

Absolutely!  I long for the day when we can come together and be one, when singles everywhere will be not just members of record but members for real.  And I know I’m not alone in those feelings.

Yes, I’ll join with Sister Burton in seeking the help of the Spirit to know how we can better lift each other and ascend together.  The only question is this: Will you?