Don't wait for love

"I can understand why she just wanted to end it all.  Yet it broke my heart to think of her following through on her decision.  Emotionally I felt like a bus had run me over.  I found it hard to do anything productive.  My world seemed at a standstill."

Life knocked me down earlier this week.  While waiting for a student who had an appointment to see me, the text I didn’t expect appeared in my phone.  My father announced my mother’s decision to stop eating and drinking.  She just wanted to die.  After reading that message, I just wanted to die.

My mother has been battling a host of medical conditions for a few years now, most prominently anxiety as a mental disorder and mystery pains no one can properly diagnose.  The anxiety turns every mole hill into a mountain.  So her mystery pains have become an insupportable burden.

My mother has several doctors, each one adding (and frequently changing) their contribution to the soup of medications she takes daily.  The bulk of those doctors, overburdened by long patient lists, often seem more interested in processing my mother through a system rather than listening to her and helping her with her concerns.

I can understand why she just wanted to end it all.  Yet it broke my heart to think of her following through on her decision.  Emotionally I felt like a bus had run me over.  I found it hard to do anything productive.  My world seemed at a standstill.

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Gaining experience

I visited with my mother the next morning.  She seemed worse than ever, but had an appointment to see one of her doctors.  My time being limited, I tried to use what I had to best advantage.

I always hug my mother when I visit, but this time I hugged her tighter, held her closer, and told her how much I loved her.  Then I couldn’t help myself from breaking into tears.  The mere thought of losing her simply crushed me.

Later I learned about her doctor visit.  There’s something about walking into a doctor’s office and asking for help to die that captures the doctor’s attention.  After a lengthy discussion, the doctor was able to convince my mother to submit to some more tests and exercise patience while he searches more intently for a solution to her mystery pains.

I joined with the rest of the family in thanking the Lord for His merciful hand.

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Pondering on experience

As they’ve have played themselves out, these events have highlighted the opportunity for reflection.  Of course, I know my mother will one day die; death comes to everyone.  It’s the thought of it happening so soon that knocks me over.

Many LDS singles are so wrapped up in the pursuit of their own blessings they don’t think about losing the blessings they already have.  They’re so busy looking for that one special love that they let opportunities to strengthen their love for the family and friends already in their life pass by and expire.

That’s not a singles thing; that’s a human thing.  It’s normal to craft a world for oneself and then get lost in that world.  But the events of this week have brought me to question if I’m busy enough with the greater, weightier matters and too busy with matters of lesser importance.

Am I focusing first on those elements that matter most?  Do the people I care most about know I love them in word and in deed?  Or have I been too occupied in other pursuits to attend to those relationships?

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Learning lessons

My pondering upon recent events leaves me with a few powerful lessons that apply to us all.

1. Schedule regular holistic reviews of your life.  Life has a way of tugging at us with tides that can slowly steer our ship off course into less-than-desired destinations.  Every so often we need a check to make sure we’re putting first things first.
2. Be consistent in your attentions to what matters most.  The expressions of love I gave my mother this week were long overdue.  People need to know they’re loved and to be reminded of that regularly.  My relationship with my mother might have been much more than it is now had I been more consistent.
3. Don’t wait for love.  Too many LDS singles are waiting for that special someone to love when they already have many people to love in their lives.  We need to recognize and take advantage of the opportunities we all already have to give and receive love.

I don’t know when that special someone will become a part of my life.  But I know I already have several someones who are special to me today.  We all do.  When we put first things first, we don’t need to wait for love.  We can feel love in our lives today and every day, no matter how long it takes for that eternal companion to join us.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

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You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode!