A letter to a single sister

I couldn’t resist.  After reading this Liahona article online, I just had to produce a radio show focused upon it.  Once you read it, I’m sure you’ll see why.

Sister Sharon Eubank, First Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency and a single Latter-day Saint, wrote an outstanding article in response to a letter she received from another single Latter-day Saint sister.  Here’s a portion of that letter:

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“I’m 48 years old and have never been married; I’ve really struggled with this reality. I’ve had a difficult time knowing what my purpose in this life is as a single person with no family or posterity. Family is such a big focus in the Church (as it should be), but when that blessing isn’t given to you, it can be challenging to know where you fit in. How do I get past feelings of emptiness and feel more purpose in life?”

. . . I have to wonder: Is Sister Eubank a secret audience member?

Sister Eubank’s article, entitled “A Letter to a Single Sister (and anyone else who is longing to belong),” nails awesome point after awesome point in response to that question.  Much of what she says echoes what I’ve been saying for years in the blog and on the radio show, so much so that I have to wonder: Is Sister Eubank a secret audience member?

I’m not sure, but as much as Sister Eubank hit the nail on the head, I got a few more items of response in my own “letter” to a single sister.

Focus on what you have

Let’s start by deconstructing the question posed.  Read the whole excerpt, and then read the second sentence.  It’s pretty clear this sister thinks part of her purpose here in mortality is to have a family and raise a righteous posterity.

There’s nothing wrong per se with adopting that purpose, but there is a potential problem.  Being single, this good sister doesn’t have that family or posterity.  And when you focus on what you lack, you create a reality of lack, because your focus determines your reality.  To create a reality of plenty, focus on your plenty.  Focus on what you have.

Sister Eubank does an excellent job of pointing out some of what this sister has.  Worthy of everyone’s consideration, here are some ideas:

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A ward family gives us a chance to interact and bond with people we otherwise may not understand.

“Ah,” you say, “but my ward isn’t like this.”

Maybe. But consider this: You have no idea the power you yourself have over the tone and example of your own ward. This may be part of your mission....
Being single myself, I get how this feels. You have no wingman; sitting at church is awkward; parties can be torture; relatives feel they can comment when no one should be saying a word.

For me, Christmas morning emphasizes my singleness like no other time. The temptation is to allow my “category” to be an excuse to be sad or to never take initiative. Once I started hosting Christmas and planning family events, it made a difference in how I felt and how I was viewed in my family. The change reminded me that family isn’t only being a spouse and a parent. There are things I can do as an aunt that a parent cannot do, and I try to be aware and perform those well. Being a good sibling, daughter, granddaughter, and aunt are not throwaway roles. They are sacred. You and I have much to contribute; and we will be held accountable.

Keep in mind that all of us have these and other opportunities all around us to bring goodness into the world and make a difference in someone else’s life.  It all comes down to two words: personal ministry.

Adopt a personal ministry

Long time audience members should have expected those two words to appear sooner or later.  How do you feel more purpose in life?  You get a purpose, that’s how!  A personal ministry provides that.

So many LDS singles have experiences mirroring that of our single sister friend.  They feel empty and stunted in their growth because they’ve adopted the life plan our LDS culture gives them — get married when you’re young and raise a family.  When that doesn’t happen, we live with the pain of unfulfilled expectations — that is, until we gain a new expectation.

That’s where a personal ministry comes into play.  When you commit to bringing your unique contribution of goodness to the world, you adopt with it a new identity you can act on more fully.  Working on your personal ministry can give you a sense of fulfillment and progression when you find discouragement in your dating journey.

Sister Eubank offered much of the same counsel using different words:

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I came to the earth with eons of experience and talent. I also came with certain responsibilities personal to me. My macro-mission is the same as anyone else’s: have experiences, repent and forgive, gain ordinances, serve others. My micro-mission, however, is specific and part of a divine plan for me. If I’m doing my best to keep my covenants, the life I’m living now is part of that plan. I want to respect the life the Lord has given me; it isn’t a punishment I’ve been given because somehow I wasn’t good enough.

Blessings come in different order, but to those who strive to be faithful, the blessings all come. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said it best: “Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”

Partner with the Lord

There’s one more item I’d like to address.  Our single sister friend said, “Family is such a big focus in the Church (as it should be), but when that blessing isn’t given to you, it can be challenging to know where you fit in.”  I want to examine seven key words further — “when that blessing isn’t given to you.”

There’s a false assumption behind those words.  Marriage is not a lottery in which some are blessed and others aren’t.  Results come from action.  Those who receive the blessing of marriage and family do so because they obeyed the law upon which that blessing is predicated (D&C 130:21).

Hard as it may be to accept, no matter where you are in your dating journey, you don’t progress without the requisite agreement.  So if you’re still single, it’s because you don’t have the agreement you need to progress further.

How do you get the agreement you need?  How do you get any agreement?  You become more agreeable.  You offer more value.  That means looking inside yourself for the changes you need to make.  Unfortunately, too many of us are looking outside of ourselves for the changes we need.

That can change when we partner with the Lord.  He wants us to succeed and will help us when we turn to Him.  Sister Eubank testified of the love the Lord has for all of us.

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Most of all, I hope you know there is no category that can hold you except that of being a child of the eternal God. The Lord sees you. You’re not invisible to Him. He loves your efforts that no one else may see. You’re valuable, and He treasures you in all your quirks and individuality. If you trust your life to Him, His hand will guide you every step of the way until you are happy and at peace with all the desires of your heart.

Indeed, the Lord is mindful of you and me.  When we come to Him, give Him our pains and struggles, and take upon us our own personal ministry, we can be free of the negative emotional burden which so many LDS singles needlessly carry.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode.