Then I thought I might have the wrong focus.  Maybe what I need to focus on, I thought, is focus.  After all, Mother’s Day is hard for many single sisters because of where they place their focus.  Your focus determines your reality, so when you focus on what’s missing, your reality feels like it’s missing something.  When you focus on what’s wrong, your reality can’t help but feel wrong.

But when you focus on what’s right, your reality feels right.  And that focus works not just for Mother’s Day but for every day.  So instead of letting a holiday focus you on what’s wrong or missing, use that holiday to focus on what’s right.  When you focus on the best parts of your life, it’s easier to celebrate the best in you.

Admittedly that’s a hard row to hoe when you’ve got an ideal you’re not even close to reaching pressed in your face at church.  Many wards are stepping up and exercising more sensitivity to their single members, but many wards still have a lot of work to do.  And that begs the question: What can LDS singles do when they find themselves in such a ward?

The worst that can happen is you have a horrible experience at church and then you go home and brood about it.  If church wasn’t what it should have been, why would you torture yourself further by brooding about it?  Your focus determines your reality, so wallowing in the muck of negative experience just brings you the muck of a negative reality.

Choose instead to focus on what’s right.  If church wasn’t what it should’ve been, remember babes in sacrament meeting, go home, and move on.  Have your own celebration that highlights what’s best in you.  Refuse to focus on the negative, and your reality will refuse to be negative.

That may be hard, especially if you have a habit of immersing yourself in negativity.  But like all new habits, actions become easier and more entrenched the more you practice them.  Holidays that traditionally present challenge to singles also provide opportunities to rise above those challenges.

The key is to remember that practice does not make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.  You can practice how to approach something the wrong way, and you can practice it so much it becomes a habit.  But in the end, all your habit will deliver you are less effective results.  Practice doesn’t make perfect.  Perfect practice makes perfect.

So if your habits produce less effective results, here’s some free advice: Change them!  You have the power of agency.  Use that power to play the victor, not the victim.  Change what you need on the inside so you can more readily see the changes you want to see on the outside.

Whatever holiday comes to your door, others don’t have the final say in how you feel.  You have the final say with the focus you choose for yourself.  Control your focus, and you control your reality.

It’ll be hard if you haven’t practiced perfect, but that’s OK.  That just means you need to keep trying.  Keep reaching for the light and the positive choice.  No matter what others decide, determine you will decide your focus.  Determine you’ll celebrate the best in you.

Your focus will determine your reality regardless of what you choose.  The universe obeys its laws irrespective of any of us.  Time is continually moving forward.  You can choose to use that time to embrace the negative or the positive.

The choice is yours, so make the positive choice.  Choose to celebrate the best in you each and every day.  By insisting on making your focus more and more positive, you’ll make your reality more and more positive.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

From the original Greek, a mote is a small piece of wood like a chip or splinter, but a beam is like a much larger structural member used to construct a house.  The contrast here has been applied differently but always with a play on the vast difference in perspective represented by the different size of the mote and the beam.  When applied to dating, that contrast enlightens how LDS singles can improve their dating lives.  It’s all in the lesson of the mote and the beam.

The Savior is talking here about judgment because in the previous two verses He encourages judging righteously.  And it’s a pretty simple analogy.  How do we condemn others in righteousness when we ourselves are so grossly lack righteousness?

Often we judge small imperfections in others as huge monumental issues.  But if we look inside ourselves, we’ve got issues that truly are monumental, just as a beam is monumentally larger than a mote.  “For all have sinned,” the apostle Paul declared, “and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

I know for my own self I’ve never claimed to be anything but a walking construction zone with more imperfections than Swiss cheese has holes.  So who am I to judge others for falling short when I myself am so lacking?

And that’s the point.  It’s not about refraining from making any judgments at all; it’s about recognizing how we’re all flawed and then allowing that recognition to lead us into empathy and compassion in viewing others.  Our intention turns from condemning them for their imperfections to considering how we can help them improve.

The application to dating should be obvious.  When evaluating potential dates, too often singles reject candidates based on imperfections when they themselves are certainly not paragons of perfection.

Singles often assessing those imperfections, however tiny, as monumental disqualifications.  They focus so much on having perfect they forgo the joy they could have if only they accepted good enough.  And as we’ve discussed before, you can have maximum joy with someone who’s just good enough if both of you give your all to each other.

That typically isn’t what happens, though.  Singles use whatever standards they have as a litmus test in which no imperfection is tolerated.  And since so many of us are wildly imperfect, no one passes the test, which leaves singles stuck asking where all the “good” candidates are and wondering why they can’t progress in their dating journey.

What’s the solution here?  The Savior advised us to take the beam out of our own eye first, and then we’ll see clearly to remove the mote in another’s eye.  Applied to dating that advice becomes this: Look to accept and improve yourself first, and then you’ll be better able to accept and improve a potentially good dating partner.

Instead of discarding potential candidates with their imperfections, singles should ask how they can help them to discard those imperfections.  The key here is assessing direction.  You need to allow and encourage potential partners to show they’re aligning their lives with the direction you want for your life.  If they demonstrate that willingness, you should investigate further rather than summarily rejecting them for their imperfections.

I’m not suggesting we’re interchangeable parts or that there aren’t acceptable reasons for rejecting a dating candidate.  What I am suggesting is that we need to be more accepting of imperfection in others, especially since each of us is bereft with imperfection.  The perfect partner for you is the imperfect one who’ll help you become perfect and who you in turn help to perfect.

So take in the lesson of the mote and the beam.  It may be hard at first, but you just might be surprised at how perfect for you some of those you previously judged as too imperfect actually are.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

And yes, I said singles should ask that question of themselves.  Your focus determines your reality, so if you don’t like your reality, take a look at your focus.  Making that change on the inside can make all the difference in your world on the outside.

And because we’re all designed to operate out of habit, whatever focus we do have we’ll continue to use over and over again.  That’s great if your focus creates a reality you want and not so great if your focus creates a reality you don’t want.

But it all starts within, so to change your reality on the outside, change your focus on the inside.  If your focus in dating is all about you and what someone else is going to bring you, then you’ll likely attract only those with a similar focus.  And the only reason they’ll want you is more because of what they think they can get from you and not so much with who you really are.

It’s little wonder we think this way.  Modern dating has an increasingly online component, so much so that we bring to dating the same thinking — the assumptions, perspectives, attitudes, and habits — that comprise our online life in other aspects.  And pretty much everyone spends a substantial proportion of that life online shopping.

The Internet makes getting pretty much whatever you want so very easy.  You look around at options from different offerings, compare prices, read and weigh reviews, and make a purchase.  A couple or so days later, your order arrives right at your door.  There’s no need to go anywhere.  And if what you get isn’t really what you want, you get rid of it.

We do the same thing with dating.  We swipe past photos of potential candidates who aren’t cream of the crop, filter profile details, and maybe read what others write.  We’d never reach out to a company offering an inferior product; we simply wouldn’t buy.  So why would we even think about talking to a dating candidate offering what appears to be an inferior candidacy?  The “right” one will arrive on our door in a timely manner and just lift us into bliss, because isn’t that what happens when your relationship is really right?

Are you catching the focus in this common approach?  It treats people like things, which of course trips us up because people are not things.  But it’s also all about what you get.  And that’s completely backwards because happiness in marriage is more about what you give than what you get.

Long time audience members will know I define happiness as giving your all to all the right things for you.  Notice there’s no getting in that definition.  It’s all about what you give, and it’s giving all of you to all that’s right for you.  Certainly your spouse counts as one of those right things.

Now I’m not suggesting we’re all interchangeable parts who can just marry anyone and be blissfully happy based entirely on what we give.  The relationship we’re talking about here is a two-way street; it can’t be all give and no get, for either partner.  But too often we focus so much on the getting that we ignore the more major contribution of the giving.

So instead of asking, “What will this person bring?” when evaluating a dating prospect, ask yourself, “What will you bring?”  When you focus on getting good with you on the inside and making the changes to make you the best you you can be, in that process you’ll cross paths with someone who’ll want to share the life you’re creating, a life in which you each give to each other the best you each have to give.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

This logic keeps many LDS singles single longer — in some cases, much, much longer.  Here’s a more effective approach: Live where you are in your dating journey.  Don't reject a date based on your standards for marriage.  Reject a date based on your standards for dating.

To live where you are, you must first know where you are.  Having a good map can be helpful for that.  As we’ve discussed before, the dating journey map shows these stages:

1. Friendship — In this stage, the commitment level is low.  People come and go as they please.
   
2. Casual Dating — There are two kinds of dating, and the first is casual dating.  The commitment level here is higher because you’ve agreed to go on a date but still low overall.  Once the date ends, so does any commitment of the partners to each other.  Everyone can date whoever they wish.
   
3. Exclusive Dating — When you date only one person who in turn dates only you, you’ve accepted a greater commitment level.  Hence the name of this stage where you explore being with one person exclusively.
   
4. Engagement — In this stage, you’ve decided to raise the commitment up yet another notch.  Here you prepare to formalize the highest level of commitment.
   
5. Marriage — Once you’re married, your dating journey as a single adult ends and your dating journey as a married couple begins.
   

No map will tell you where to go.  But once you decide your destination, a good map will tell you how to get there.  Understanding the different stages of the dating journey helps you know where you are on the map.  From there, the dating journey map tells you how to get where you want to go.

You don’t climb a mountain by constantly staring at the peak.  You climb a mountain by looking where your feet you are and taking a step forward.  Your focus, then, should be on the next step in front of you, not the end goal.

Once you know where you are in your dating journey, your next step is to secure the agreement for the next stage.  Without the necessary agreement, you don’t progress.  Period.  You don’t need to look beyond the agreement you need for the next stage.  That’s like staring constantly at the summit without looking where you put your feet.  Good luck climbing the mountain that way.

Many LDS singles have disagreeable dating experiences because they keep looking at that summit of marriage instead of the earlier dating stage where their feet are.  It’s no wonder they keep tripping over themselves and getting hurt.  If that’s your experience, here’s some free advice: Start living where you are.

If you focus on where your feet are and take the next step directly before you, and then the next one, and so on, eventually you’ll climb the mountain.  So focus on where your feet are: Apply standards of dating to dates.

This of course means you might date someone you wouldn’t marry.  So what?  That’s perfectly normal; everyone dates people they never marry.  Only by dating lots of people will you better know that right type of person who demands more serious consideration.

Because you’ll date people you’ll never marry, your standards will change with each stage of the dating journey.  You’ll casually date people you won’t exclusively date.  And you’ll exclusively  date people you won’t marry.

Recognizing these truths makes it easier to live where you are.  You can better enjoy someone’s company irrespective of whether or not you’ll marry that same person when you focus on that moment rather than on some agenda to achieve a future goal.

Applying standards of dating to dating helps you to live in the place where you are.  This in turn helps you to live more fully in the moment and makes you more attractive to someone who can help you be where you want to be.  And that will bring more joy in your journey.

What does surprise me is that singles have been the majority for the past two years and only now are we hearing the Brethren talk about it openly.  Whatever the reason for its delay, the announcement is no less welcome.  It marks a noticeable and important turning point in the unfolding of the Restoration, declaring to the world that, no matter your background or circumstances, there is room in the inn for you.

It hasn't always been that way in practice.  You don't need to be a long-time listener of the program to know the traditional family-centered culture of the Church has challenged many singles to feel like they truly belonged.  But probably only long-time listeners know some of my experiences with that challenge.

Of all of the different wards I've attended, one of the most challenging was the midsingles ward I attended in Seattle.  That assertion may surprise some who think that I as a single adult should feel a greater sense of belonging in a ward filled with other singles.  But it was not so.  Far from it, I routinely felt isolated, ignored, and invisible.

Memories of those days played in my mind as Elder Gong spoke of a gospel culture of belonging, one in which everyone is important, even essential.  What he describes is the exact opposite of what I experienced.  To be fair, I've been a part of some really outstanding wards filled with people who really reached out to help me feel welcome and included.  And these wards entered my life at times when I need relief and rest from wrestling with the challenge presented in other wards, like the midsingles ward in Seattle.  The Lord's hand was definitely evident in those moves.

The Lord's hand was also evident in Elder Gong's remarks.  As he spoke of the Church as a place where "we are all equal, with no second-class groups," Elder Gong provided more impetus for the change that has been unfolding now for the past several years.

Long-time listeners to the program will know what I'm talking about here — a change in the culture away from a center on family and towards a center on Christ.  A family-centered culture means you need to have a family to belong, but a Christ-centered culture means you need to have Christ to belong.  Singles by definition don't have a complete family of their own, but everyone can have a covenant relationship with and devoted discipleship of the Lord.

Elder Gong recognizes as much when he declares,

Elder Gong identifies a change in the culture more explicitly when he taught,

Oh, the times, they are a-changin'!

Hearing Elder Gong describe the Christ-centered culture I've advocated on this platform for years set me on fire.  It also filled me with deep gratitude to God He hasn't forsaken His single sons and daughters but rather remembers every single one (pun intended).

We don't always know what the future will bring, but we can always know the goodness of God as He dispenses grace and tender mercies in hours of need.  "As we create room in His Inn," Elder Gong declares, "welcoming all, our Good Samaritan can heal us on our dusty mortal roads."  That is why only in helping others can we receive the help we each really need.

There will always be room in the inn where true disciples reach out in love to welcome all and keep all on the covenant path.  As we each contribute in our own way to that effort, we will embrace a truer, purer gospel culture in which all truly belong.  And that will bring us more joy in our journey.

I particularly like how President Nelson tied his message of preparation to the principles of preparation Captain Moroni followed.  And the first principle President Nelson examines is creating places of security.

President Nelson defines a place of security as “anywhere you can feel the presence of the Holy Ghost and be guided by Him.”  Of the different places of security he describes — home, stakes, and temple — your home is the most important.  Stakes and temples offer great spiritual security.  But your home is a place of both temporal and spiritual security.  It’s the place of security to which you repair most often and over which you have the most control.

So what control are you exercising over your home?  Is it a place to which you can resort physically, financially, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually?  If you find like me that you have more work to do, then get busy.  Make your home a true place of security.

We’ve long talked on this program about how your focus determines your reality.  How you think creates the life you live.  So to prepare places of security in your life, you need to prepare your mind with the right thinking.

President Nelson extolled faith as the wellspring of the most effective thinking.  He referenced the recent earthquake in Salt Lake to exemplify the need for a solid foundation that can withstand the spiritual shaking that comes to everyone.  Faith in Jesus Christ is the ultimate spiritual foundation.  As President Nelson declares, “we can stand ‘steadfast and immovable’ because of our faith.”

Staying on the covenant path always increases faith.  Resisting the sway of enticements to step off the covenant path requires us to exercise faith.  And exercising faith always increases faith.  Additionally, President Nelson proclaims “regular immersion in the Book of Mormon” as “our latter-day survival guide.”

But President Nelson cited God as the ultimate source of security.  Said he,

So how are you preparing your mind to create places of security?  How are you exercising your faith?  How often are you immersing yourself in the Book of Mormon?  Are you seeking and receiving the personal revelation you need in your life?

These activities require constant and consistent dedication.  We can’t, for example, have a single spiritual experience and expect a lifetime of spiritual security.  Having places of security means always preparing them.

And as President Nelson points out, Satan is nothing if not persistent, and so we can never stop preparing.  “The more self-reliant we are—temporally, emotionally, and spiritually—the more prepared we are to thwart Satan’s relentless assaults.”  President Nelson never said it would be easy, but he did promise “the future will be glorious for those who are prepared and who continue to prepare to be instruments in the Lord’s hands.”

He then offered these words of encouragement:

Embrace the future with faith!  Partner with the Lord as you prepare your own places of security in your life.  Exercising more and more that faith will surround you with ever increasing levels of peace amid the turmoil to come.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

The major challenge for me wasn’t the test itself.  For me, it was keeping up with everything else.  I still had to attend class, submit homework, prepare for exams, and complete all other responsibilities.  Overwhelmed, I turned to the Lord for help.  The resulting experience has prompted me to wonder if I really understand what it means to partner with the Lord.

I’ve discussed partnering with the Lord before.  The essential idea has always been to embrace the Lord as a partner for your life.  No matter how good you are, He can make more out of your life than you can.  So it just makes sense to counsel with Him and receive guidance as you make your way through mortality.

Yet my qualifying exam showed me an aspect I’d not before considered.  As I collected journal articles related to my assigned topic, I began writing summaries of the articles so I could compare and identify any trends as well as gaps in the current research.  But the shear quantity of content to summarize so overwhelmed me that by Day 5 it looked like I wouldn’t meet deadline.  How could I write a research proposal when I hadn’t even read enough to know what research gaps existed?

Not knowing where to stand, I went to my knees and pleaded with the Lord for help.  I’ve offered such pleadings before, but this time was different.  This time I surrendered myself completely to God, declaring a sense of dependency upon Him I truly felt inside.  I could succeed only with Him.  I needed Him to reveal what I should write and to guide me in finding the supporting material for that proposal among all the many articles I had collected.

That sense of dependency took what I thought partnering with the Lord was to another level.  I felt it so strongly tears freely accompanied my cries for help.  I truly believed what I declared — without Him to support me, I would surely fail.

I remained on my knees after concluding my prayer, listening for His voice as I wiped the tears from my face.  At length I arose and returned to my desk, ready to begin working.  I didn’t know what to do, but I was willing to do.

It was in that moment ideas began flooding into my mind.  I began to understand the direction I should take.  As I acted on those ideas, more ideas came.  Though the hour was late, I felt a resurgence of strength and energy fill me, allowing me to keep working on implementing the ideas coming to me.

Before long, I had a rough outline.  I worked all the next day to finish and then submit the written proposal.  I had a similar experience with the presentation, both in preparing and delivering it.  Soon afterwards, I received notice I passed the exam.

That same experience played out as I fulfilled my other responsibilities.  I continued praying with that same sense of dependency.  Not only were my prayers answered, but I began to feel closer to the Lord than I’ve ever felt.

Pondering upon these experiences has led me to realize more what partnering with the Lord really means.  It means feeling so dependent upon Him you must have His contribution to succeed.  It means laying bare all you have, feel, think, and can see as evidence making the case for your dependency upon Him.  And it means rising to your feet after falling to your knees and walking forward in faith He will provide according to your need.

Though my experience was directed towards my studies, I recognize how this same process can apply to every area of life.  Don’t wait to feel the security and support the Lord is eager to give the willing.  Partner with the Lord anew, and take your relationship with Him to another level.  You’ll receive what you need to move forward, and you’ll feel closer to Him than you ever have.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

The year St. Patrick died is in question (some say 461, others say 493), but all seem agreed on the day he died — March 17.  St. Patrick’s Day started as a feast held annually to commemorate the man who led Ireland’s conversion to Christianity.  The history of how the holiday has evolved is rather interesting, but I found one legend about St. Patrick particularly applicable to LDS singles.  And that connection will have me going green on St. Patrick’s Day for years to come.

Multiple legends involving St. Patrick abound, but the one catching my attention involves snakes. (And yes, I can hear Indiana Jones right now saying, “Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?)  As legend has it, God’s power was so manifest in St. Patrick as he preached on a hill that all the snakes simply fled from the island.

That’s not likely actual truth, since snakes were never native to Ireland.  But there is a Celtic legend of serpent-like spirits called nagas which supply water to trees and make streams and rivers flow.  The legend of St. Patrick ridding Ireland of snakes is probably an allegory for the missionary ridding Ireland of old pagan beliefs.

And that got me thinking.  What “snakes” in the form of old, defunct ways of thinking do I still have?  What habits continue to hold me back from living my best life?  Many LDS singles stand in their own way of experiencing the joy surrounding them every day.  Instead of fully living life, they live far beneath their privileges.

St. Patrick didn’t rid Ireland of “snakes” in a single day.  He didn’t arrive on the Irish shore greeted by masses of eager converts.  Rather he started where he was with what he had.  He went from village to village, achieving success one convert at a time.  With persistent dedication, over time he stepped into the conversion of the entire island.

It’s not much different for LDS singles (or anyone else for that matter) struggling against the challenges of their lives.  You won’t step into your best life all at once as it’s handed to you.  You step into your best life one day at a time as you slowly but surely create it.  And creating your best life always begins inside you.

What “snakes” inside you prevent you from experiencing the joy all around you?  What “spirits” do you need to remove from within you in order to recognize and receive that joy in your life?  The way you think determines what you do, and what you do determines the life you live.  With persistent dedication, over time you can step into your best life.

I know this take on St. Patrick’s Day seems odd.  Particularly in the United States, Canada, and Australia, St. Patrick’s Day has become associated with parades and parties.  We wear green and pinch people who don’t.  But behind the frolic lies a fascinating history offering insight into improving your life.  And that improvement always begins with changing the way you think.

Often what we need to trigger new thinking is a new experience, and St. Patrick’s Day offers many opportunities for new experiences.  Delve into the history of the holiday as well as Ireland and learn something new.  Or try your feet at an Irish jig.  Or experiment with an Irish dish.  St. Patrick’s Day offers many opportunities to have a new experience that can trigger new and different ways of thinking.

Embracing such opportunities can have you going green each and every St. Patrick’s Day.  And finding those opportunities every day of the year will open the door to the new ways of thinking you must embrace to experience your best life.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

Covenant men and women, on the other hand, value covenants over all else.  When an opportunity to gain something desirable for themselves comes along, they choose to make and keep sacred covenants, despite whatever they may lose for themselves.  They in essence say, “Something better may come along, but I choose my covenants.  Here I stand, and this is it for me.”

That difference may seem obvious.  But too many LDS singles prioritize self over sacred covenants.  I’m not talking about people going inactive or apostate, although you could apply it that way.  I’m talking about singles rejecting great candidates simply because they aren’t the absolute “best.”

What drives this behavior?  Singles mistakenly assume if they don’t marry the “best” they’ll be condemned to an unhappy future.  Approaching dating with this faulty assumption, the natural mindset either ignores or rejects candidates who would make excellent companions and bring a life of real joy and happiness.  That’s because natural men and women believe you must have the absolute “best” to be happy.

That natural mindset also drives behaviors that give dating its all too painful reputation.  For instance, ghosting wouldn’t exist without the natural mindset.  Singles who ghost dating candidates essentially prioritize their own self-gratification.  What they want — be it avoiding an uncomfortable conversation or pursuing a more attractive candidate — matters more than how others feel.  This doesn’t mean you should always surrender to what others want.  It just means you should be respectful of others as you search for the best path for you.

If the grass is always greener on the other side, natural men and women will look to get to that other side.  They gladly chase after anything better for them because to them what they want matters most.

In contrast, covenant men and women may see the same something better, but they value covenants above all.  So if pursuing something better means breaking their covenants, they don’t pursue it.  To them, making and keeping sacred covenants matters most.

Now I’m not advocating marrying just anyone who’s active.  You can have standards while prioritizing covenants.  Suppose you’re choosing between two dating options: The first rates a 10 on a 10-point scale (with 10 being the best) but consistently pursues self-interest, and the second rates a 7 but consistently keeps covenants already made.  The natural mindset urges choosing the first option, because 10 gratifies self more than 7.  The covenant mindset also sees 10 is better than 7, but the covenant mindset encourages choosing the second candidate, because the covenant mindset prioritizes making and keeping sacred covenants.

Now what if the second candidate rated a 3 instead?  The covenant mindset could turn that candidate away, because a partner who doesn’t bring something to the table and serves as little more than filler material will make it harder to keep the covenants which the covenant mindset prizes.  Clearly we need a sense of balance, but prioritizing covenants doesn’t mean other standards have no importance.

In reality, no one of us is entirely natural or covenant.  We’re all a combination of both, just as we are all mixtures of good and evil, light and darkness, strength and weakness.  The real question is “Which one will dominate your choices?”

Many LDS singles stand in their own way of marriage because they allow the natural man or woman to govern their dating choices.  True joy in married life comes from living the covenant mindset that says, “Something better may come along, but I make my stand here.  For me, this is it.”  This means you could “settle” for an allegedly “lesser” candidate and yet have the maximum amount of joy life offers.

So be a covenant man or a covenant woman who will say, “Something better for me may come along, but I make my stand here.  For me, this is it.”  When you do, you’ll find your dating life as well as your married life more enjoyable.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

These false assumptions actually create the struggle with knowing who to marry.  That’s why singles looking for the presence of yes should instead look for the absence of no.

We’re here in mortality to exercise agency.  Our choices in this life determine our situation in the next stage of our eternal journey.  We therefore bear the responsibility for our choices.  

That’s precisely why singles who look for some significant spiritual confirmation often struggle with knowing who to marry.  Insisting God provide some unmistakable sign you should marry So-and-so means God carries responsibility for that decision.  That’s not how it works, so insisting it should work that way only ends in frustration.

We’re here in mortality to make choices.  And we have responsibility for those choices.  Pushing that responsibility back to God defies His plan for His children.  Insisting on some definite spiritual sign says we don’t accept So-and-so until God tells us marrying So-and-so will work out well.  It pushes back to God the responsibility for our choices that rightly belongs to us.

We naturally want the security that would come from God revealing to us So-and-so is someone we should marry.  But that’s not how it works.  A river journey tends to go smoother when you don’t fight the current by paddling upstream.  You can paddle downstream by aligning your assumptions with eternally true principles.  Instead of fighting God’s design for mortality by pushing the responsibility for your choices onto Him, go with the way it’s supposed to work by accepting that responsibility.

Revelation from God comes after you make your own decision and then bring that decision you made to God to seek His counsel on your decision.  God will then respond with yes, no, or maybe. If He answers yes, you’ll feel the strong, unmistakable impression He approves of your decision.  If He answers no, you’ll feel a similarly unmistakable impression He doesn’t approve.  And if you don’t get any strong impression one way or the other, He answers maybe, which means He trusts you to make your own decision.

So unless the Lord answers no, you should go forward with your decision.  If He answers yes, going forward is obvious.  But you should also go forward if He answers maybe.  If your choice would take you too far away from where He wants you, God answers no.  So when He doesn’t answer no, you can walk forward in faith following through on your decision.  Only if He answers no do you need to change course.  So all you really need is the absence of no.

Singles stand in their own way when they insist on the presence of yes when approaching marriage decisions.  But that faulty assumption also retards progress at any stage of the dating journey.  So unless you get that overwhelming sense of no from the Spirit, you should include more people in your circle of friends, and you should casually date more of those friends more often.

Especially in the early stages of the dating journey, you don’t need to receive revelation for every choice you make.  Some might extend that to deciding who to marry.  Regardless of how you feel about that idea, looking for the absence of no will have you making more progress more quickly in your dating journey.

So if you’ve been waiting for the presence of yes before you move forward, it’s time to change your assumptions.  Stop looking for the presence of yes, and start looking for the absence of no.  Walk in faith the Lord will tell you when you’re traveling too far from the path He wants for you.  That walk will breathe confidence in your gait as you gain more experience.  With that experience, you’ll learn, grow, and make more and more better choices.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.