Skip the pity party

The view from where I now sit is quite optimistic.  I’m definitely skipping the pity party.

With Singles Awareness Day — uh, excuse me, Valentine’s Day — almost upon us, many LDS singles without a significant other will face the temptation to wallow in self-pity.  Resisting the siren call when your own thought patterns are negative is almost impossible.  Yet that’s the reality for some singles.

I know that scene well, because in my younger days I had some deeply entrenched negative thinking patterns.  These less effective ways of thinking held me back from the blessings I always wanted.

Today it’s different.  A man in my position should be clinically depressed, yet I feel joy in my present and hope for my future.  The view from where I now sit is quite optimistic.  I’m definitely skipping the pity party.

Yet a recent experience caused me much reflection on both my own transformation to optimism and how we can all help those singles wont to wallow in their own mire come Friday.

An unexpected experience

Last Saturday, the newest member of my ward was baptized.  The service reminded me of my own mission, and I cried as the Spirit brought past sacred experiences to my remembrance.

As I left, I noticed across the parking lot a sister missionary who’d previously been in the ward.  She had obviously returned to attend the baptism.  Just before her transfer, she and her companion gave me a very special gift.  They snuck up to my apartment door and plastered it with paper hearts sharing messages of love, hope, and encouragement.

I never had the chance to thank them, because the very next day transfers came, and elders arrived in place of both sisters.  Seeing that sister now in the parking lot, I called out to her and confided that what she and her companion left for me that night before their transfer meant a great deal to me.  I then thanked her.

What happened next surprised me.  She told me I should be thanked because I’d helped her tremendously.  She didn’t go into details — I’m still insanely curious — but then she said something that later drove deep reflection.  She said, “You’re awesome.”

---

A meditated realization

What surprised me was less that she said it (although yes, I wasn’t expecting to hear that from anyone, let alone a sister missionary) or that she was really sincere in saying it (which she was) and more that I found it hard to hear.

That realization caused me much reflection.  I’m very comfortable with myself and enjoy my own society immensely.  So why wouldn’t I believe I’m awesome?  (And why is there an obnoxious song from The Lego Movie playing in my head right now?)

Seriously, why would that message be so hard for me to hear?  After some deep reflection, I concluded it was hard for me to hear because I’d grown too accustomed to hearing the exact opposite.

That shouldn’t surprise anyone.  Looking back over more than two decades of being a single Latter-day Saint, the vast majority of the messages I received from single LDS ladies were negative.  They didn’t affirm my divine worth nor recognize the goodness of a heart that had sacrificed and suffered much.  That’s not to say there weren’t those few who gave me positive messages (there were) or that I made my own mistakes worthy of negative messaging (I did).  Rather it simply means I heard negative messages so often, especially in the dating arena, I came to believe them.

---

A more joyful life

I don’t believe them any more.  My view today is much more optimistic.  But what would my life have been like had I received more positive messages from other single sisters more regularly?  And what of the other LDS singles who are now what I once was?  What of those who are prone to throw that pity party on Friday because they don’t have a valentine of their own?

If you’re among that crowd, please know you have agency.  That means you choose everything for yourself, including what to believe.  I struggled for a long time with negative messages until I realized my agency means I get to choose everything for myself, including what to believe.  Just because someone else believes something doesn’t mean I must believe it also.  I don’t have to believe what I don’t want.

It’s the same for you.  When others send you a negative message, don’t believe them!  Instead, believe you have great worth (because you do) and God loves you so much He has prepared glorious blessings for you (because He does and He has).  Then share that love with others and skip the pity party.  Let your messaging reaffirm the worth of every individual.  Then you’ll feel your own worth reaffirmed.  And that will bring you more joy in your journey.

---

You can listen to the monologue from today's episode of Joy In The Journey Radio here.  Please also feel free to continue the conversation by leaving a comment below.  Want to hear more?  Listen to the whole show by going to the show page for this episode.