Lately we’ve been discussing the challenges of LDS dating. We can more easily overcome these challenges when we understand the different stages of the journey (for example, that there are two kinds of dating), when we choose to be where we are, when we apply dating standards and not marriage standards to dates, and when we respectfully tell the truth despite what others think of us. Yet even after embracing all of these concepts, dating can still feel like an emotional roller coaster. That’s just how it is. You can’t have great reward without encountering great risk. And sometimes that will leave your heart in pieces. That’s why we all need a personal circle, a group of people who sincerely care about us and will support us when we need it. I’ve written before about the need for singles groups to forsake the activity club, reject the dating forum, and become a support network. I’ve also discussed how stakes and wards can play a larger role in supporting LDS singles. I still believe in all that. I also believe you shouldn’t wait for others to fill needs you have today. Own your life. Find your own personal circle. And when you hold the family and friends you need a little closer, you’ll find angels have joined in for a group hug. Know who’s in As disciples of Christ, we should always seek to help those around us. But that doesn’t mean we need to develop a deep friendship with everyone around us. Partnering with the Lord can help you know who should be what in your life. Because we gain our sense of normal from those around us, we need to be very cautious about who we admit into our personal circle. That’s where partnering with the Lord can help. He knows the influence we need to live our best life. He also knows who can best exert that influence upon us. Just as important as including the right people in your personal circle is excluding the wrong people. And sometimes you’ll be related to them. Excluding people from your personal circle doesn’t mean turning your back on them forever. It just means being very cautious about what time you do spend with them. Deposit love Once we know who’s in our personal circle, we should make regular deposits into their emotional bank accounts. We should never take these people for granted. And yet, too often we do. I recall being at home for the holidays towards the conclusion of my graduate school program. My relationship with my major professor had deteriorated substantially. I knew I’d be charged for another semester unless I could complete my thesis and successfully defend it before the new semester started. As we knelt in prayer before my return to campus, my mother pled with the Lord to help me finish my program. I didn’t think much about that at the time. But not long after returning, my deteriorated relationship with my major professor worsened to a breaking point. As I walked towards my major professor’s office to quit, the memory of my mother praying for me filled my mind. I suddenly felt a strengthened resolve to keep going. I finished my degree program soon thereafter. In the years since, that advanced degree has greatly blessed my life financially, occupationally, and socially. I have friends I wouldn’t otherwise have. And it’s all due to my mother’s prayer. Clearly my mother is inside my personal circle, and I make regular deposits into her emotional bank account. Find the means Of course, we can’t deposit love in others’ emotional bank accounts without the means to do so. Determine what means you need so you can maintain those important relationships inside your personal circle. Sometimes that means sacrifice. I could just text or call my mother, but I always make time to visit her in person. Sometimes being with her in person is itself the emotional deposit. Some have argued I should move on with my life. I don’t entirely disagree with that. But I don’t want to forfeit the opportunity to make more memories with my mother while she’s still cogent. Forsaking those opportunities will bring me regret for the rest of my life. I’d rather not live with that. Make the changes you need to make to have the personal circle you need to have. Then make regular deposits into the emotional bank accounts of each one in your circle. When you hold the people you love a little closer, you will find angels have joined in for a group hug. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
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Last week I described the best vacation I’ve ever had. It imbued me with a new attitude and zest for life. I feel I have endless opportunity to bring my life to the next level. Some of those opportunities I found by identifying knowledge I lack. For example, to improve my relationships with family members, I can acquire better communication skills. I decided to look for a book or other resource that can help me learn those skills. We often think about school when thinking about learning. But sometimes the learning we need is in the local library. We can often create our own “courses” to acquire the knowledge and skills we need with the resources which many libraries provide to their patrons for free. Regardless of the venue, we all need to be learning something in order to take any aspect of life to the next level. There’s even value in learning something simply for the sake of learning. Simply put, if you’re not always learning, then you’re missing out on opportunities to get more out of your life. We believe in learning We Latter-day Saints inherently believe in continuous learning. It’s encoded in our religion. After all, “the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth” (D&C 93:36). In a great treatise on truth, the Lord describes acquiring light so that it grows “brighter and brighter until the perfect day” (D&C 50:24). He later extolled, “Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith” (D&C 88:118). We also have His admonition to “study and learn, and become acquainted with all good books, and with languages, tongues, and people” (D&C 90:15). We don’t have to learn everything at once, “for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength,” but we must be diligent in applying ourselves, “that thereby [we] might win the prize” (Mosiah 4:27). As the Prophet Joseph learned while translating the Book of Mormon, “Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end” (D&C 10:4). And we have the assurance our diligence will be rewarded, “for every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened” (3 Nephi 14:8). Embracing learning in every stage of life can open new pathways to live our religion more fully and deepen the measure of our faith. We have endless opportunity Every stage of life also provides endless learning opportunities. We can acquire new knowledge for our current stage in life or transition into the next. We can also learn for its own sake. I’ve known several single sisters who saw the need to return to school. Providing for their family required earning more income, which they weren’t getting outside of a career path which a college degree would open for them. It certainly wasn’t easy. Just working and raising their children is challenge enough. Adding school into that mix was no picnic, but they squared their shoulders and did what was necessary to conquer the challenge before them. Other LDS singles need simply to learn more about their current career path. Rather than change careers, they need to learn skills that can make them more valuable in the marketplace. If that describes you, seek advice from successful professionals in your field. If you do what they do long enough, their success can be yours. The world is filled with so much to learn about. It’s hard for people on the learning train to get bored. But if they ever do, they can always sit in another car and keep enjoying the ride. Embrace your opportunity What do you need to learn to take your life to next level? What do you need to learn to improve your relationships or your employment? What do you need to learn to grow and embrace the blessings your Heavenly Father has prepared for you? And let’s not forget learning just for the sake of learning. Learning for its own sake is great for enhancing curiosity. And it’s curiosity that opens the doors to greater joy in living. Whatever you need to learn, when you partner with the Lord, you can counsel with Him on how you should proceed. In my life, I’ve often found that the resources I need to learn what I need to learn cross my path if I share my concerns with Him and then proceed about my way with an open mind. Embracing those opportunities has greatly enriched my life. In short, learning simply enhances the value of living. And that brings us more joy in our journey.
This past weekend I’ve had the best vacation I’ve ever had in my entire life. Most people hearing that declaration will wonder where I went to have such a great time. But my vacation was great not so much for where I went as for what I did. I went to Afton, Wyoming. “Why would you go there?” some of you undoubtedly wonder. “There’s nothing there.” To which I answer, “Precisely.” Recently I’ve felt my life dead end in so many ways. I wanted to search my soul and think deeply about my life. I wanted to re-calibrate myself with a sense of hope that all isn’t lost for me. And I wanted a game plan for taking every part of my life to the next level. For me, that’s all best done surrounded by mountains, fresh air, and as few people as possible. Wyoming’s Star Valley fits that bill to a T. Start with the temple My first order of business was a session in the Star Valley temple. This has to be the absolutely smallest temple I’ve ever seen. There’s only one endowment room, one sealing room, and four sessions per day. I arrived hoping to join the last session. Every seat was already reserved, so the front desk called someone to see what work I might do. I took a seat and waited patiently. Very soon, a temple presidency member came out and greeted me. We shook hands as I expressed my hope in doing a session. Instantly this kind man put his arm around my shoulder. He thanked me for coming in a way that made me feel truly welcome. Then, turning to the attendant at the front desk, he instructed a space be made for me to attend a session. He then offered to show me where to go. I accepted, although the building is so small I couldn’t possibly get lost. Early during my session I began to feel a quiet confidence the blessings I desire are still available and the Lord will walk with me towards their attainment. What a wonderful start to my vacation! Get down to the nitty gritty I spent the next four days writing in a Moleskine notebook. I wanted to take my life to the next level, and I had a plan for how I would proceed. I started by listing every part of my life I wanted to take to the next level — my spiritual life, my relationships (both ones I had and ones I wanted), my career, my own businesses, my residence, my finances — literally everything. Then for each of those individual items, I followed a five step process:
I followed these steps for every individual part of my life, so little wonder I filled 71 pages in my notebook. From those pages I extracted the individual action items (271 in all) that get me started taking my life to the next level. Feel the power Admittedly, 271 action items is a lot, but I need do only one item at a time. And having lots to do is great. It gives hope I’ve got endless opportunity to turn my life around, a realization that brings with it great empowerment. I returned home feeling very powerful and very hopeful I can secure eternal blessings and live the life I want. I now have a new attitude. In that sense, my vacation was truly recreational because I came back re-created. This truly was the best vacation I’ve ever had. If you feel your life has approached a dead end in any or all its aspects, find your own quiet place to search your soul and get back to basics. You’ll find you can do so much to turn your life around. And that feeling of empowerment will bring you more joy in your journey.
I well remember the experience attending my first SA activity after being officially booted from the YSA program. It was a fireside. I was in my 30s, still single, and wondering what the future held for me. As I entered the room, I saw four ladies seated. Before you start thinking how great a 4:1 ratio is in addition to being the only guy in the room, let me add that each of these sisters was old enough to be my grandmother. You can imagine my sense of shock. It was like the part of me that felt young and hopeful had been violently knocked out of me. Though I might chase after it and longed to catch it, I was now unable to do so. I had a similar experience when I turned 40 and still no companion. What spark of hope I had left in me died. This combined with other unfortunate life events at that time led me into a mild but serious depression. As hard as that was, reaching rock bottom prepared me to learn some life lessons. There’s nothing wrong with you Our family-centered culture has given many LDS singles the expectation they would go to college and go on a mission and get a job and somewhere in that mix (after the mission, of course) they would get married and start a family. You don’t think to question that life plan if your life turns out that way. But if you’re one of the many LDS singles whose life hasn’t exactly followed that plan, you’ve asked a lot of questions. Many of those questions are completely understandable and yet completely unwarranted. I kept asking “What is wrong with me?” and “Where are the blessings I was promised for being righteous?” As understandable as these questions are, they’re the wrong ones to ask. First, there was never anything wrong with me. I sure felt like there was, though, especially with the way most ladies responded to my dating invitations. But that’s the thing right there. That evidence I used to conclude there was something wrong with me really said there was something wrong with my approach. Second. the Lord has always wanted to bless me, but He’ll never violate anyone’s agency. How could I get the result I wanted when my approach was all wrong? Of course my invitations had a low success rate; a poor approach always yields poor results. All the fairy godmothers are dead It can be difficult to step outside oneself and question underlying assumptions. I assumed the life plan I received in my youth would work for me. I assumed the scriptures my leaders quoted about God blessing the righteous because of their righteousness meant somehow everything would magically work out for me. But the scriptures also contain stories of people who weren’t prospered even though they were righteous. Abinadi comes quickly to mind. Expecting some fairy godmother to appear magically and make everything right with the wave of a wand just isn’t realistic. Here’s the truth: All the fairy godmothers are dead, assuming they were ever alive. The pain I experienced from turning 30 and 40 with no spouse came from holding onto an unmet unrealistic expectation. Once I let that go and owned my life, which includes accepting responsibility to make my own life plan, much of that pain subsided. In making my own plan, I aim for eternal blessings. I still strive for gospel standards. But I’ve let go of the time table and my preconceived notions of how life is supposed to be. And it’s made a tremendous difference. Don’t wait Since that time, I’ve had some better experiences and some even more painful ones. Although I’m still single, I’m a better man now than I once was because of what I’ve learned and what I’ve become. Recently I’ve encountered the need to get out of town to take some time to myself for some soul searching and serious thinking. And I’m sure to let you know more about it next week after I get back. For now, I just wanted to leave you with the life lessons I’ve just shared. If you’re getting poor results, it means there’s something wrong with your approach, not with you. And all the fairy godmothers are dead. Don’t wait for some magical event to fix everything. Own your life. Life is largely what you make of it. If you want your life to change, then first you must change. Let go of whatever life plan was handed to you and make your own plan to reach eternal blessings in the way the Lord reveals is best for you. Doing that will bring you more joy in your journey.
I love Christmas time! Why wouldn’t anyone? It’s a time of merriment, a time for drawing near to family and dear friends, and a time for rejoicing in the goodness of God. That said, many LDS singles radiate negativity during the holidays. Last week I advocated the perspective that even the worst days can be great days if we recognize every day as a gift from God. Some may find that perspective hard to grasp, especially if they’ve been so focused on the negative aspects of their lives that their reality is overwhelmingly negative. That’s why we all need to spread the cheer of the holiday season. Reaching out to others in that spirit of the season can help them to find a better focus that can lead to a better reality. And helping others to experience joy can bring joy into our own lives. That’s what those who feel overwhelmed with negativity during the holidays really need. They need to feel loved so that they in turn can help others to feel loved. We can kickstart that cycle of joy in their lives as well as ours when we reach out and spread the cheer. Obey the law Yeah, life is hard, and woe to you because you’re single. I get it. Believe me, having been single for more than 20 years, I really do get it. Here’s what I also get — happiness comes from giving your all to the right things. Negativity and a constant vision of what you lack is never one of those right things. It never has been, and it never will be. That’s because the universe obeys natural law, one of which is the Law of the Harvest. You can’t get carrots from planting apple seeds. If you want to reap carrots, plant carrot seed. Likewise, if you want to reap happiness, then plant happiness seed. And what’s happiness seed? It’s giving your all to the right things. Certainly keeping those covenants we have made is among those right things. But it’s more than just checking items off a to-do list. It’s a way of being that defines who we are. That means giving to others can’t be just a project or something nice to do. It has to express a sincere interest in sharing joy we really feel inside. Lend a hand It’s certainly hard to share something you don’t have. Serving others can bring positivity to those overwhelmed with negativity. But negativity doesn’t prompt positive action, which provides an obstacle for those who most need to take such action. That’s why we need to reach out and lend a hand. Natural law still holds true regardless of what anyone chooses. Those who focus on negativity will have a negative reality. If we choose to help them, they might change their focus, which will give them a different reality. If we choose not to help them, they likely won’t change their focus and will reap the same reality they’ve been having. That’s why we need to spread the cheer. A positive reality comes only from a positive focus. Being creatures of habit, we all need some external force to break the bonds of inertia that keeps us keeping on in negative habits. We can provide that external force for others when we spread cheer into their lives. Solomon once said, “A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken” (Proverbs 15:13). We need to fill the tank of others so they then and fill the tanks of still others. If you’ve ever had to run on empty, you know how difficult it can be to continue serving others when you really need someone to serve you.
What a glorious promise! The Lord will lead us to every blessing we lack. How can we believe Him and not rejoice? We have every reason for cheer.
And we have every reason to spread the cheer to others. So what cheer are you spreading? Whose heart will be lifted because of your cheer? When we spread the cheer of the holiday season in any season, we share the love of our Lord such that we cannot help but also be partakers. And that brings more joy into all of our journeys. Last week I extolled the virtue of exercising patience with leaders who mostly don’t understand our LDS singles experience. Patience is often a conscious choice, one not made out of habit. Patience helps us to live more in the moment. Living in the moment is where we find the true joy of living, regardless of our individual circumstances. Life doesn’t have to be everything we want it to be for us to enjoy it. That joy starts when we consciously choose to live in the moment. Living in the moment means being present in the now. Too often LDS singles aren’t present in the now. Rather they’re present in the future — a future when an eternal companion provides them with the rite of passage that brings acceptance within LDS subculture. But living in the future (and one which for many LDS singles never seems to come) forfeits the joy of living found only in the present moment. The joy of living now comes only by living in the now. And that’s true regardless of your circumstances. You need a choice, not a plan I remember a singles conference where one speaker talked about living in the moment. She encouraged intentional living. Living with intention can lead you to own your life. And I’m a big fan of owning your life. Then the speaker defined intentional to mean having a plan. The joy of living in the moment, she declared, comes from following a plan. I couldn’t disagree more. Due to our design as human beings to follow habits, I define intentional to mean choosing consciously. Living with intent means you choose in the moment to do what you do. Conscious choices in the moment refuse to let your habits simply play themselves out, allowing you to embrace life and all the true joy of living. You don’t need a plan for any of that to unfold for you. All you need is to use the one gift from God we all have — agency. You simply make a conscious choice. Make the happy life Happiness comes not from just doing the right things but from giving your all to the right things. That giving your all is a conscious choice. And when you choose that path with full awareness and intent to pursue it, the true joy of being alive can come to you. Life on autopilot offers comfort and a sense of stability, but true joy isn’t found in comfort and stability alone. True joy comes from consciously embracing the right things. I use that word embracing intentionally. You can’t just execute a routine of righteous activity and expect happiness to find you. The happy life doesn’t find you. You have to make it. That requires choosing the right things with intention. That means breaking out of the habit of routine living. And that means embracing the right things in your life. Choose to lift yourself Too often we LDS singles don’t. Eager for acceptance within a culture that prizes marriage and family as the door to belonging, we LDS singles often focus on the future to that eternal companion we all yearn to have. Yet your focus always determines your reality. Focusing on what you don’t have now always fills your reality with a heightened awareness of what you don’t have now. A life that feels lacking is never enjoyable. However, the same principles work in the other direction. Focusing on what you do have now fills your reality with gratitude. You begin to see how richly the Lord has blessed you. Life starts feeling plentiful. That focus on what you have now is key to living in the moment. Focusing on the present and not the future is a conscious choice that helps you live with intention. And the gift of agency from a loving Heavenly Father brings that choice within reach of us all. You don’t need a plan to live with intention. You need simply to focus on what you’re doing in the present moment. Then you can breathe with confidence. You can walk with boldness. You can let go of everything drawing your focus to the future and bring your focus to the present moment. When you make these choices consciously, you open yourself to a life you can savor regardless of your circumstances. Righteous intentional choices lift what you do to a new level because in so doing you give your all to the right things. And when you give your all to the right things, life in return gives back to you all the joy and satisfaction of a life well lived. You’ll always get what you give, so give your all to the right things and get the life that’s right in all ways for you.
LDS singles often confront challenges of identity. Different cultural aspects have influenced us in adopting habitual ways of thinking. That includes how we identify ourselves. We all respond to those habitual perspectives. And it can be very easy to get discouraged or depressed when your efforts to improve do not yield the results you want. But you don’t need to feel that way. Let’s address some identity issues that LDS singles face. You are not your job Some singles filter their interactions with other singles based on their occupations. If you are unemployed, you might find some don’t want to befriend you. After all, what good are you if you can’t bring home the bacon? Acting on this attitude sends a clear message to those who struggle financially that they must have a very successful occupation in order to be loved. Many of these people feel very unloved. Of course, you should do what you can to improve your employment situation. But you should also improve the way you think. Yes, people typically prefer interactions with occupationally attractive people. But they are also hardwired to respond to generosity and cheerfulness. My first job? Busboy in a Mexican restaurant. What does that say about who I really am? Not a whole lot. How I approached that job, however, says a ton. Never being late, always doing what I was asked, and always being attentive speaks volumes about who I really am. You are not your job (or your lack of one). You are the qualities you choose to exhibit through your actions. You are not your body How your body is shaped or groomed is not really who you are. Yet many singles filter their interactions based on physical appearance. Acting on this attitude sends a clear message that you must be attractive in order to be loved. And many “less attractive” people feel very unloved. Of course, you should do what you can to improve your appearance. But you should also improve the way you think. Yes, people typically prefer interactions with physically attractive people. But they're also hardwired to respond to people who project generosity and cheerfulness. If all you know about me is the way I look, you won’t think very much of me. I’m okay with that. It puts me in good company (see Isaiah 53:2-3). But it doesn’t say a thing about who I really am. Can you tell the sacrifices I have made to be true to the restored gospel by the way I look? Not really. The story of my sacrifice radiates my desire to be true and faithful regardless of how my life does (or doesn’t) work out. That speaks volumes about who I really am. You are not your body. You are the energy that you choose to radiate to those around you. You are not your marital status Many Latter-day Saints (both single and married) unknowingly grant acceptance and validation to those who have experienced the subcultural rite of passage we call temple marriage. Everyone else is therefore less or deficient. Acting on this attitude sends a clear message to LDS singles that they must be married in order to be loved. And many singles who buy into this belief feel very unloved. Of course, you should do what you can to improve your situation. But you should also improve the way you think. Yes, even people in the Church will not always accept you. But they're also people, and like most people they're inclined to respond to generosity and cheerfulness. You create meaningful life through contribution. The marriage ceremony doesn’t change who you are fundamentally. But whether you contribute positive attributes and energy into the lives of others will. You are not your marital status. You are the contributions that you make to those around you. Enjoy the richness of life You will enjoy your life more when you reject the faulty idea you're your circumstances and truly embrace the correct idea that you're a child of God. Many of us don't know what that really means, due in part to the message our actions send.
Many times our actions portray apathy or exclusion rather than love and inclusion. When you truly desire to follow the Master, you reject the herd mentality and seek to satisfy the needs of others. You create a rich life through meaningful contribution. You are not your circumstances. If you think you are, you need to reformat and reboot yourself. You are a child of God with infinite worth and potential. Start seeing that in yourself, and then others will be able to see that more clearly in you as well. Somehow it seems like the tide of discouragement always comes back into shore. The battle against its waves never stops. Many LDS singles experience discouragement when confronting the idea that they're somehow deficient because they're single. If you believe this, I’m here to tell you that you're not. That idea is so inconsistent with the restored gospel of Jesus Christ that we should ship it out of town on the next truck, bus, train, ship, or plane, whichever one leaves first. This insidious belief will rob you of your power to own your life the longer you entertain it, so don’t! Make conscious choices Normal human beings compare themselves with others. Certainly Western culture encourages this comparison by insisting that only those on top are truly validated. And our own LDS subculture prizes temple marriage as a rite of passage. The perceived sum of these influences can easily convince anyone that being single means being substandard. You don’t have to feel that way. You can overcome your challenges more easily when you make conscious choices about what you do and especially about how you think. Change your reality with your focus Yes, it bears repeating. Your focus becomes your reality. When you focus on what you don't have, you'll always feel like you just don’t measure up. And if you focus on that message long enough, you'll lose all hope of ever being accepted. Enter depression stage right. The Atonement of Jesus Christ tells us a very different story. Christ would not have suffered all that He did for “substandard.” He suffered for all because all are worth redeeming. That includes you. Don't just follow the herd It’s easy to follow the herd and just think the way everyone else does. But simply following the herd doesn’t usually lead to a life of joy and fulfillment. Making conscious choices, on the other hand, usually will. When you consciously choose not just what you do but also how you think, you empower yourself to escape a life lived on autopilot and embrace one filled with true joy and meaning. Being single is simply a status, just like being tall or short or having blue or brown eyes. It has meaning just like any other status but only the meaning that you ascribe to it. Associating singleness with deficiency has meaning only because you think they go together. Change the way you think about it, and everything associated with it will change also. When you adopt new and different ways of seeing your world, your whole world becomes new and different. Do what you can wherever you are You may not have made all the covenants that you want to make. But you don’t have to focus so much on the one you haven’t made that you depreciate the others.
You can strive to make additional covenants with God while still being grateful for the ones you have made already. You can look for opportunities to acquire a new status while taking advantage of the ones your current status offers you. You can focus on owning your life. You can embrace a reality filled with real purpose and meaning, irrespective of what anyone may say. Some of the most admired exemplars of faithfulness did exactly that. I’ll tell you about one of them next week. Oh, and here’s the best part: He provided one of the most widely celebrated examples of faithfulness while he was single. See you next week. I remember a single young woman who once extolled the “virtues” of the pity party in a Sunday School class. "Pity parties are actually good things," she said. She compared the pity party to a release valve. And expunging all that inner bad actually brings you closer to Christ, or so went her logic. Anyone else hear fingernails on a chalkboard? Such an abomination comprising old, defunct ways of thinking needs to be stamped out of existence before it infests the place like cockroaches. But in the moment I decided to be diplomatic and hold my tongue. Now that I'm not in Sunday School, I'm taking off the gloves (though I’ll still be a gentleman). The real 411 on the pity party We all know the pity party scene. You feel sorry for yourself because you can’t get what you want. And hopelessness overwhelms you so much that curling up into the fetal position for a future filled with misery and sorrow seems the only option. When you start to feel that way, you should have huge red lights flashing in your head. That feeling is a warning you're on the wrong track. Confronting disappointment is part of the mortal experience we all came here to have. Another part is learning how not to be overcome by it. There is always hope because there is always Christ There is always hope because there is always Christ. By following His example, you can overcome your difficulties rather than be overcome by them. And when I say "follow His example," I'm not referencing stale Sunday School lessons about service or keeping the commandments. I mean embracing a new way of thinking so that you can overcome the challenges of your life in the way Christ overcame His. The Savior's example When Christ walked on the water (hey, now that's new and different thinking), he invited Peter to follow Him. The storm was howling all around Peter, but he acted in faith. As long as he clung to old ways of thinking ("you can't walk on water"), Peter would stay in the boat. But when he embraced a new way of thinking ("you can walk on water when the Master invites you to do so"), he saw that it worked. That is, until he began to doubt. When you feel the storms of life howling around you, you can surrender to that pity party or you can follow the Savior. Can you see Christ shrinking into a pathetic little clod of pity? I can’t. Yet isn’t that what that pity party makes you? What’s ennobling or inspiring about that? Certainly no one benefits from that, least of all you. If you can't imagine Christ doing that, what do you see Him doing? I see Him renewing His focus on His mission. I see him focusing on others instead of Himself. I see Him living a different reality because He has a different focus. That's why I can never accept the pity party. It shifts your focus inordinately upon yourself. Your focus determines your reality Feel trapped in a pathetic reality? Then your focus is pathetic. Your focus determines your reality. When you focus inordinately upon yourself and your unfulfilled desires, you darken your reality. Want to change your reality? Change your focus.
The Master's life was meaningful because He filled His life with meaning. He knew what He was all about, and that’s where He kept His focus. Pity parties couldn't touch Him. They won’t touch you either if you adopt new and different ways of thinking. Moments of discouragement will always come; that's part of the mortal experience we came here to have. But just because you encounter that emotion doesn't mean you have to surrender to it. So this Valentine's Day, ride a new train. Find a new reality by finding a new focus. Look for someone you can lift. Make a difference in someone's life. Build or repair a relationship that is meaningful to you. Let's all say, "Down with the pity party and up with new and different ways of thinking." Last week I wrote about our need to reformat and reboot ourselves. We need new habits will automatically guide us to act in ways that lead to the life we want without any need for us to think about it. But replacing our current habits with those new habits requires us to dig deeper within ourselves. What exactly does that mean? A five-step process If your life seems miserable and depressing, you can transform it into one filled with joy and satisfaction. That doesn’t necessarily mean getting married, although it could. And it doesn’t matter whatever happened to you in your past. You can transcend your challenges such that they no longer challenge you. Just follow five steps:
Let’s talk about each one of these steps in a bit more detail. Wake up First, you must examine the role that habits play in your life. After all, this is how you were designed to operate. Also, various cultural forces have influenced you as you created your habits. Once you understand that, you can begin to replace bad instructions with good ones — better ones based on the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Take a step back Once you understand how things work, you need to separate yourself from yourself. This means learning how to see yourself as much as possible just as someone completely unconnected to you would see you. Many people, single or married, do not have much self-awareness. Acquiring it requires you, among others things, to live in the moment, to question your assumptions, and to shake things up in your life. Assess the situation Separating yourself from yourself places you in a better position to assess your situation more objectively. That increases your probability of finding the real root cause of your problem. Another part of that assessment is knowing what you can change and what you cannot. You also need a good map that faithfully represents the terrain of LDS singles life, including the real rules to the dating game. Dig deep enough to get to the root Digging deep enough means getting to the core naked truth about your situation. That's not an easy task. Most people routinely avoid looking at the truth. And most people don’t have very fulfilling lives. If you want a life filled with joy and significance, then you need to accept the hard task of facing your truth. And you need to keep pursuing answers to your questions until you have them. Take out the tools you need and remove it At this point, the only thing left is to do the actual work of removal. That means getting the tools you need and using them. The most useful tool in your kit will probably be courage. It takes courage to face your truth and to see yourself in an unflattering light. It takes courage to run against the herd. But it's also well worth it. Only then can you become truly free from the pain and anguish of a disillusioned life. That freedom will empower you to embrace the true you that will shine in the darkness. You can live life consciously. You can become all you're meant to become. You can fulfill the mission you were meant to complete. Do something to change an unwanted life We're all different, so the proper application of these steps will vary from individual to individual. But we're all also the same, which means that no matter what specific steps each of us needs to take, those steps will follow the same pattern.
This is the essence of my book about LDS singles life. Of course, the book contains many more details, so you will want to get it when it becomes available. I have begun working with an editor who will help me bring the text into “final” form, so stay tuned for more news as this project develops. And of course we'll be discussing those details from the book and many connected items here in this blog. If you don’t have the life you want, you can make changes that will lead you to the life you want. You just need to have enough faith to take that first step into the darkness. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And it’s not an oncoming train. It’s the other side of the mountain! |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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