General Conference is once more just around the corner. And once more, I can hardly wait. The spiritual power available at Conference has been increasing over the years. If you’re anything like me, you can’t wait to access that increasing spiritual power in your life. Of course, we can receive that strength and guidance more readily when we prepare ourselves to receive it. Like many other applications of the gospel, preparation can be very individualized. How I prepare for Conference may be quite different from how you prepare. That said, some principles remain constant across applications. Three effective guides can help all of us to prepare ourselves more effectively for the spiritual feast that is General Conference. When we seek to follow the Spirit, our leaders, and our own experience, we can position ourselves to receive added spiritual strength during General Conference. Let the Spirit guide The first and most important guide for us in any endeavor is the Spirit. So it makes sense that we should seek the promptings of the Holy Ghost as we prepare ourselves to receive spiritual direction during Conference. Recently I’ve directed my scripture study towards fasting. I remember reading an intriguing book on fasting some years ago, and I want to confirm for myself the conclusions of that author who is a friend of another faith. My study is still ongoing, but I’ve made some interesting discoveries. One that pertains directly to preparing for Conference appears in Jeremiah 36. The prophet Jeremiah sent Baruch to read his words to the people in the Lord’s house on a day in which a fast had been established.
It occurred to me while reading these verses that fasting could help me prepare for Conference. We know from scriptures like Alma 17:3 that fasting invites the Spirit. And the Spirit can guide us in any endeavor, regardless of the path we travel. I’ve determined to follow the promptings I’ve received from the Spirit and include fasting in my Conference experience this weekend. I invite you to follow whatever promptings you have from the Spirit as you determine how you will prepare. Let your leaders guide In addition to the Spirit, our leaders provide counsel regarding how to prepare for Conference. The Church website has some excellent suggestions made by our leaders in this regard. One such suggestion is to come prepared with questions you want answered. Start by writing down your questions. This shows the Lord that you want to know your answers enough to make sure you don’t forget them. Then during Conference, listen for the answers to your questions. A related idea is to keep a general conference notebook in which you record the questions and answers you have every six months. Perusing this record of past experiences with revelation can offer great benefit. I really love that the Church provides something for everyone. For example, links to past Conference addresses about Conference appear on the page. I found this 2011 Ensign article about Conference given by then President Uchtdorf very helpful. There’s also a separate page devoted to activities for children and ideas for helping them learn something during Conference. And there are resources for learning about the leaders who will address us during Conference. Let experience guide Ultimately, whatever experiences we have will tell the final tale regarding what works and what doesn’t work for each of us. We should not expect to have the perfect approach to Conference all at once. Rather we should expect to refine our own individual approach through many iterations. That iterative process describes very well my own journey as I develop my own approach to Conference. I remember years ago when I decided to experiment with taking notes during Conference. The result was an overwhelming experience as I confronted a list of improvements that I needed to make in myself spanning six pages. I vowed never to do that again. But I learned from my failure. Six months later, I refined my approach to look just for the one or two items that most need my attention during the next six months. My experience was greatly improved over what I had previously. That aspect still comprises a key part of my approach to Conference today. However we determine to prepare for General Conference, we can position ourselves to receive the answers and strength we need when we make the changes we need to make in our individual approach. We can follow the Spirit, our leaders, and our experience in determining what will work best for us. In so doing, we’ll find ourselves best prepared for Conference. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
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This is a common plight among singles groups everywhere, especially in areas where Latter-day Saints form a small proportion of the population. There is a solution to this dilemma, but it’s not very common. First, we need to ask ourselves, “What exactly are we trying to accomplish? How are we defining success?” Once we have that definition, we need to evaluate it, because our definition of success may not be the one we need to have. With the right definition of success in play, your next steps are developing a vision and then aligning everyone with that vision. Many singles programs falter because they have the wrong vision or no vision at all. And you can’t rally anyone around a vision that either doesn’t work or doesn’t exist. How do these steps typically play out? Let’s examine that. Define your success I’ve got a few years experience as both a ward and stake single adult rep, so I’ve sat in plenty of those meetings where activities and singles issues are discussed. I’ve also shared experiences with numerous singles groups leaders at conferences. One pattern I’ve found is the typical definition of success. Most singles leaders define success by attendance; the more people who come, the more successful the activity. But what’s really going on here? Does a bigger number really mean more success? In my experience, bigger numbers are simply a bigger stroke to the ego of those who organized and sponsored the activity. That doesn’t really help anyone live a better life. If we can put our egos aside, we can more easily recognize that the Savior focused on only one number: the number one. He was always concerned about the individual. In fact, most of the stories we have of Him ministering to others involves His interaction with an individual person. If we define success in terms of touching or improving the life of at least one individual, then it doesn’t matter how many people attend. Success will always be within our grasp. And paradoxically, it lays the foundation for explosive growth in the numbers. Develop your vision In Proverbs 29:18 we read, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” That’s just as true for singles groups as it is for anyone else. Typically, LDS singles attend activities with one of two visions — the dating forum or the activity club. I’ve spoken about each of these at length in previous posts, but here’s a brief review. The dating forum perspective sees singles activities solely as a means to find an eternal companion. If they don’t see anyone they want to date, people don’t attend. Then there’s the activity club. This is the group that’s tired of dating and just wants to have fun with friends. The problem with both of these approaches is their inward focus. Singles with either of these perspectives invariably focus on serving themselves. Contrast that with the more effective approach of the support network — attending activities with the purpose of supporting other singles. That outward focus aligns much better with the path of discipleship our Savior marked. When everyone adopts the attitude of the support network, people feel they’re part of something bigger than themselves. They have a contribution to make that can improve the life of someone else. And losing themselves in service, they find themselves enjoying life a lot more. Build the network What I’m describing won’t happen overnight. That’s because it’s not some quick-fix, fly-by-night fairy dust. This is a real solution that really works. While I lived on the East Coast, our activity attendance increased by 10X in one year. But more important than that, our exchanges with each other were more real. We were genuinely concerned about each other, despite coming from different generations and backgrounds. Our activities weren’t about completing a calendar or checking a box on a to-do list. Rather our activities were about supporting LDS singles. That’s the driver behind real growth — love. People respond to love. Feeling loved is one of our most deeply seated needs as individual children of God. When you love the people into a support network, they’ll join you. The dating forum and the activity club make very poor primary drivers behind participation. We best help ourselves and everyone else when we discard our individual agendas for attending singles activities. People have needs. When we align what we do with meeting the needs of the people, we’ll find the true success that the Savior marked. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
I wasn’t surprised to learn of President Thomas S. Monson’s passing. I was surprised he didn’t go sooner. He didn’t look that great when we last saw him in Conference. It amazes me he lasted as long as he did. But the Lord governs the life span of His prophets just as He governs His Church. And President Monson’s time has come. Thousands viewed his body in the Conference Center before his Church-broadcast funeral service, also held in the Conference Center. Generous and well-deserved praise reminded us who President Monson was. His body was then taken to the cemetery for a private service with family. All of this is most appropriate. Somehow, though, I find myself more reflective now than when President Hinckley died. Then I was a little disappointed to see President Hinckley go. I wanted him to stay just a little longer. Now with President Monson’s passing, I’m relieved his suffering has ended. But I find myself wondering about legacy. Those who came before Each modern-day prophet I can remember seems to have a legacy. The earliest prophet I remember is Spencer W. Kimball. He encouraged us to“lengthen our stride” and do more today to forward the Lord’s work. Then came Ezra Taft Benson, best known for his classic discourses on the Book of Mormon and pride. Though with us briefly, Howard W. Hunter encouraged us to make our temple recommend the great seal of our Church membership. Then Gordon B. Hinckley wore the mantle, and was he ever versatile! It’s partly why I like the man so much. We saw accelerated growth in the numbers of full-time missionaries and temples. Particularly impressive to me was not only the reconstruction of the Nauvoo temple but also President Hinckley’s insistence that the dedication be shared with the entire Church. And then there’s the Conference Center and the Orchestra at Temple Square. Plus, who can forget the 60 Minutes interview with Mike Wallace? And I rejoiced when President Hinckley announced the Perpetual Education Fund. Having served my mission in Guatemala, I knew first hand how desperately needed that program was. President Hinckley tried to do more in every way he could. It was as though he was the culmination of the legacy of the prophets who came before him. The man himself And President Monson? When I think about his legacy, what comes to mind? Honestly, when I think about President Monson, I simply see a good man. That may not seem like much, especially by comparison. But what made him a good man? Why do I have that image of him? Perhaps it’s because he simply loved people and did what he could to serve them. If President Monson had any theme as the Prophet, it would have to be loving service. The Mormon Channel has placed an excellent biography of President Monson’s life on YouTube. Although produced back in 2013 and very brief, the video does effectively convey the theme of loving service which President Monson exemplified in his life. Towards the end of the video, we see President Monson reflecting on his own life. He said something that particularly struck me.
That’s a pretty good summary of his life. How many of us would meet that standard if we were called to be measured today? I’m not sure how well I would measure up. Those who come after I am sure, however, the Lord’s timing is spot on. As I watched the presentations of the new First Presidency during the gathering in the Salt Lake temple annex as well as the press conference, I felt the sweet, gentle confirmation of the Spirit that Russell M. Nelson, Dallin H. Oaks, and Henry B. Eyring are the men the Lord wants to fill these roles at this time. I confess I was half expecting President Nelson to call the same counselors who served under President Monson. But surprised doesn’t mean disappointed. President Oakes and President Eyring are each well-seasoned servants who have more than adequate preparation for their new callings. And I look forward to having a more energetic Prophet in President Nelson. Can you believe he’s 93 and still goes skiing? Whether or not you believe that, certainly President Nelson hasn’t sought his new role. While watching him speak both in the Salt Lake Temple annex and the press conference, President Nelson humbly repeated over and over that this is the Lord’s Church and He is at the head guiding and directing its affairs. President Nelson also encouraged Church members to stay on the covenant path, which may turn out to be the theme for his tenure as the Prophet. Whether or not that holds true, we’ll always be blessed when we follow the Brethren. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
It’s been a long time. I never imagined where my efforts back on 12/12/12 would take me. I started a blog to vent frustration with a woman who summarily rejected me without really knowing me. It was a song I knew all too well. My blog continued, and I learned some great lessons that first year. For example, the effort I’d adopted as my own personal ministry couldn’t be about me. It had to be about people. So with the start of a new year in 2014, I moved my blog to a website dedicated for housing the succession of posts I would publish every Wednesday. That was four years ago. And I have a weekly post for every Wednesday since. In my first post at the new home, I shared the philosophy behind my efforts. It all came down to wanting real. My effort has evolved in those four years. But my desire for real is as strong as ever. Begin the begin Four years ago I wanted to help LDS singles conquer the challenges of LDS singles life. That desire has driven my evolution of the past four years. Today we take the next step in that evolution. Today we jumpstart Joy in the Journey Radio with a regular weekly broadcast. Four years ago I spoke of turning conventional wisdom on its head by not sending annoying marketing emails to my audience. Now I’m turning conventional wisdom on its head again. The weekly broadcast will comprise a talk show format. However, unlike most talk shows which feature special guests selected because they’re somehow notable, we’ll feature the average Joes from across the spectrum of the LDS singles community. I believe that so-called ordinary people have extraordinary stories and perspectives that can uplift and strengthen all of us. Their contribution will make the program more real than any lineup of notorieties you can assemble. Change the culture Most of my weekly blog posts over the last four years have generated no comments, but I didn’t care about that four years ago, and I still don’t today. My effort is not about me; it’s about making a contribution that will improve the lives of LDS singles everywhere. I’ll still work to engage everyone in the conversation we need to have about LDS singles life and changing our culture. That’s why I’ll invite married men and women on the program as well as in the audience. Four years ago, I cited our need for a conversation about what it means to be single in a family-centered culture. And we need to move the center of our culture towards Christ. That need is as great today as it was then. What impact will our conversation make if we have it only among ourselves? We must include our married brothers and sisters if we want to see real change. Called to serve You may have noticed how I’ve been using plural forms — “we take the next step” and “our journey.” That’s because none of this is about me. It’s about something larger than any one of us individually. We have the opportunity to make a real difference in each others’ lives. Far too many of us are steeped in negativity and focused far too much on our obstacles. Our focus will always determine our reality. Focusing on our obstacles will yield a reality of obstruction and frustration. Focusing instead on our opportunities will create a reality of opportunity and freedom. That is real, and that is what I want for all LDS singles everywhere. That’s why Joy in the Journey Radio exists, to uplift and strengthen LDS singles everywhere. We do that by offering content intended to impart positive energy and improve the lives of singles of all ages and backgrounds. Because this is about something much larger than me, I can’t do it alone. I’m calling on LDS singles everywhere to contribute to this effort by volunteering. There is so much that needs doing. If you’re sincere about wanting to improve the lives of LDS singles, that willingness alone qualifies you to help. Go now to the contact page of the website to make yourself counted. I’m still wanting real, and if you want real in your life, come join me. It’s a brand new year and a brand new Joy in the Journey Radio. We will lift and support one another as we journey towards our heavenly home. And that will bring us more joy in our journey.
Recently I’ve reflected on everything I’ve done since all this started on 12/12/12. I’ve come a long way. The road behind me is filled with accomplishment, much of which I simply didn’t envision back in 2012. I can’t say all of my blog posts have been classics, but I do have a post for every week since the start of 2014. That’s almost 3 ½ years of weekly posts, most of which have no comments. I said back then I wasn’t doing any of this for acclaim, and that’s still true today. All I’ve ever wanted was real. You don’t need the attention of others to get real. That post at the start of 2014 is definitely a classic. I’ve produced a few more along the way. One that keeps coming back to me reminisced about a older friend who lives in Seattle. We conversed 90 minutes about love, concluding no one can really define what love is. We know when it’s there and when it’s not because we can feel it. But it’s impossible to define exactly what love is. Love means sacrifice That conversation transformed me. It’s since led me to ponder this question: What does it mean to love someone? Before that conversation, I thought I knew. Since then, I’m not completely sure I do know. Part of the answer surely lies in sacrifice, forgoing your own desires to help others fulfill theirs. It’s been almost four years since Tashi died, but I still think about her and how my heart broke. Even a blind man can see I loved that cat. But why? When I first adopted her, Tashi had tremendous trouble eating properly. Every time I fed her, she would eat as though it were her last meal, which isn’t normal for cats. This and other behaviors led me to wonder if a previous owner had abused her. Of course, eating so quickly caused her to vomit later. Every day I had a new mess to clean. I spent 11 months training Tashi to eat normally. And even then she never completely stopped vomiting, though it was much less frequent than before. Without my sacrifice, my love for her wouldn’t be as deep as it was and still is today. Love means selflessness That conversation with my Seattle friend reminds me of the final midsingles activity I attended there — FHE in my friend’s home. The lesson portion evolved into a conversation in which people were sharing their thoughts about how to grow the midsingles group. Normally I like to listen to others and learn how they see the world. This evening, however, I couldn’t resist sharing my perspective. And knowing this to be my last activity there for the foreseeable future, I held nothing back. I declared love is meaningful only when it involves people who are different. Talking to others we like and sitting with others we want around us isn’t all that difficult. We get to stay in our comfort zone. Conversely, talking with others who are very different and sitting with others we don’t want around us does require us to leave our comfort zone. Yet here love truly has meaning because here we act against self-interest. The Savior taught,
Love means discomfort I spoke many other words along the same vein that evening. All together they made some visibly uncomfortable. I rejoiced to see that, not because I have some sadistic pleasure in seeing people squirm but because it meant I was speaking truth. I was getting real. In the end, I invited everyone to surrender to love. I testified that only by surrendering to love would we ever become the truly supportive group everyone talked about becoming. Since then I’ve seen singles group after singles group struggle with creating a true sense of community. Leaders who consider singles committees as nothing more than activity planning groups don’t help. No one can come together when everyone has their own agenda. That will never change until we all surrender to love. Only by forgetting ourselves and focusing upon others will we ever create the community of the support network many LDS singles need in their lives. Yes, surrendering to love is hard. It goes against the natural man and woman. But the rewards of love far outweigh the price we must pay to obtain it. And having those rewards will bring us more joy in our journey.
Last week we discussed how LDS singles can maintain a positive focus in their lives. We included seeking ways to serve others, particularly our local leaders and other LDS singles. We also emphasized one special way to help local leaders — educate them in how to minister more effectively to LDS singles. I wrote a book describing specific actions for ministering more effectively to LDS singles. Sharing this free book with local leaders can help bridge the gap between figurative night and day. Yet many may still resist change. They may prefer the comfortable status quo, even though they can perform the specific actions outlined in my book in the course of what they’ll do anyway. How do we reach such leaders? How do we help them to improve their thinking so the lives of LDS singles can improve? We follow the example of our Lord and Savior. Give pause Christ confronted local leaders who refused to see the world differently. He always responded with a quiet yet confident patience that provided room for repentance. The story of the woman taken in adultery (John 8:3-11) provides an excellent example. Intent on trapping Him, the scribes and Pharisees brought before the Lord an adulterous woman. At first He made no reply. They pursued a response and got one: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7). Knowing their own sins, the accusers removed themselves. Christ affirmed the law while also allowing for mercy. I don’t suggest confronting our leaders with their sins. Rather I’m suggesting we follow the Savior’s initial response. He wasn’t quick to state His judgement. In fact, He didn’t state anything at first. He simply allowed space for the conversation to change. We LDS singles can exercise a similar patience. In encouraging our local leaders to embrace more effective ministering to singles, we can give pause. We can make a space that invites calm and compassion. And just as Christ returned to writing on the ground after responding, we can return to doing our part to minister more effectively while our local leaders take the time they need to come around. Give reason The Savior again exemplified responding with patience when He healed a man with a withered hand (Matthew 12:9-13). The Pharisees, seeing both men in the synagogue, asked the Lord,“Is it lawful to heal on the sabbath days?” (Matthew 12:10), again with the intent to entrap Him. Christ again responded perfectly, asking rhetorically whether they would rescue their sheep on the sabbath. Christ then continued, “How much then is a man better than a sheep? Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days” (Matthew 12:12). He then acted on that reasoning by healing the withered hand. We LDS singles can likewise reason with our local leaders. Afterwards, we should exemplify that reasoning with our actions. In this way, we follow the path of the Savior by extending mercy and compassion towards our leaders. The Savior later taught this same principle to the Prophet Joseph Smith.
Our local leaders can know our faithfulness is strong when we exercise patience while they take the time they need to come around. Give time Still, some local leaders might seem uninterested in change. Treating singles committees as nothing more than activity planning groups and otherwise letting singles fend for themselves may appear to satisfy them. Will such ever come around? Again, the Savior provides the answer. In his parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), Christ tells the story of a young man who, fixed in his own approach to life, demanded his inheritance, which he then spent in riotous living. His inheritance depleted, he came to work feeding swine which ate better than he did. Then the scripture records, “And when he came to himself, . . . he arose, and came to his father” (Luke 15:17, 20). Some people, including some local leaders, simply choose to learn only within the School of Hard Knocks. They won’t change until presented with the reality of their failure. The Law of the Harvest makes no exceptions. Their actions (or lack of them) have produced their results (or lack of them). In life, we all get according to what we do. Such babes in sacrament meeting need our patience while they take the time they need to come around. That time may prove more difficult, but we can leverage such experiences to draw closer to our Lord and Savior. We can receive added strength to endure well. We can continue to pray for, fast for, and seek opportunities to serve our leaders. With diligence and patience in following the Master, we’ll see miracles happen. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
For years LDS singles have snickered while reading D&C 58:27-28. After all, this is the famous scripture about “being engaged.” Given our family-centered LDS subculture, everyone gets the joke. Like all jokes, there’s an element of truth here. Marriage is an important element of our Heavenly Father’s plan. Where the joke ends, though, is where the reality begins. Yes, LDS singles should be engaged to be married, or at least actively engaged in becoming so. But the power to do that is not entirely within them because the agency of others is involved. Dwelling on that reality fills many LDS singles with frustration. Of course, D&C 58:27-28 is really about taking more action in promoting goodness within our spheres of influence. And that is within the power of every individual. Living our best life beckons us to dwell in this valley focused on what we can do and what we have instead of what we can’t do and what we don’t have. Keeping that positive focus may prove challenging. Yet three areas of emphasis can help LDS singles to maintain that positive focus on bringing goodness into the world. Engage a personal ministry Adopting your own personal ministry is one of many themes this program has embraced. Find your own corner of God’s garden you can tend, and devote yourself towards nurturing blossoms from that ground. By giving yourself to whatever noble cause is right for you, you align what you can do and what you have with an outward outlook. As you help others to tackle their problems, you will find increased strength and capacity to tackle your own. And an unanticipated bonus may await. By focusing on the positive and bringing goodness into the world, LDS singles make themselves more attractive to a potential eternal companion. They may even meet said companion in the course of pursuing their personal ministry. Regardless of whether or not that happens, life offers more joy for LDS singles when they embrace a personal ministry. Engage your local leaders LDS singles bring even more goodness into the world when they seek to serve their local leaders. As we discussed last week, local leaders will be more inclined to help LDS singles when those singles seek to help them. LDS singles can especially help their local leaders by teaching them how to minister more effectively to LDS singles. Local leaders who minister more effectively can bless many lives. But that can’t happen if they don’t first understand exactly how to minister more effectively. This is where we LDS singles can play an important role. We LDS singles can educate our leaders. It’s for that very reason I wrote a book on how to minister more effectively to LDS singles. This book shows everyone — stake leaders, ward leaders, and the singles themselves — what part they play in more effective ministering to singles. Using this book to help our leaders is very simple. Download the book yourself and then give them a copy. Or send them a link which they can use to download their own copy. And here’s the best part: The book is absolutely free. I never intended to profit from the book. I wrote it solely to improve life in our wards and stakes for singles. No price tag should guard the gate to that knowledge. Engage other LDS singles Of course, that book isn’t just for our local leaders. It’s also for us LDS singles. The support networks many LDS singles need will never exist unless we LDS singles improve our own attitudes and perspectives. That best happens when we engage each other in discussions and conversations that change minds, touch hearts, and transform lives. Think of the goodness withheld from our world when we attend singles activities with the primary purpose of satisfying our own agenda. I’ve discussed previously the perils of the Dating Forum as well as the pitfalls of the Activity Club. We need the outward focus of the Support Network as we seek to follow the Savior. We do that by helping other LDS singles change the way they see singles activities. We can also foster that change by inviting other LDS singles to join us whenever we recognize and take opportunities to help other LDS singles. Whether by adopting a personal ministry, serving our local leaders, or supporting other singles, LDS singles have many options for improving their lives through improving the lives of others. Focusing on bringing goodness into the world, whatever the area of emphasis, ennobles us and strengthens us to withstand the challenges of our own lives. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
I truly believe the global leaders of the Church care about singles. But somehow that doesn’t always translate down to the local level. Many LDS singles find themselves constantly ignored, or at best tolerated, in their wards and stakes. Although ministering to singles can easily get lost in the bustle of everything vying for our leader’s time and attention, many local leaders simply don’t know how to minister effectively to singles. In an effort to help remedy that deficiency, lately I’ve been discussing how our leaders can minister more effectively to LDS singles, first at the stake level, and then at the ward level. Last week I explored how singles can provide our local leaders with a great example by ministering to each other. After all, our local leaders will be more inclined to help us if we’re seen to be busy helping ourselves as much as possible. While we LDS singles are about helping each other, what’s to say helping our leaders shouldn’t be a part of that effort? If our leaders will be more inclined to help us when they see us doing what we can to help ourselves, how much more inclined will they be to help us if they see us doing what we can to help them? See what you need I’ve discussed the great need of many singles to have someone to walk with them. I believe having someone to walk with us is the greatest unmet need we LDS singles as a collective community have. Life is hard, but it’s even harder when you’re left to walk that journey alone. Our Heavenly Father instituted marriage in part to provide a measure of support. Spouses can help each other and ascend together towards their heavenly home. We singles have the same celestial destination but no spouse to support us. And when all effective ministering to us from all parties is lacking, that need for support is all the greater. That’s why home teachers and visiting teachers play such a crucial role in ministering to singles. They’re best positioned to be that someone to walk with the singles under their charge. Visiting singles should never be to complete a perfunctory assignment. Rather the focus should point towards building a genuine supportive relationship with another human being. In essence, it’s being a real friend. Give what you need But the friendship street runs both ways. We singles can easily get absorbed in the focus of what we fail to have when the more important focus is often what we fail to give. Expecting a true friend to come into our lives when we ourselves aren’t being that true friend to others is an exercise in futility. As with all human relationships, it’s the little things that often matter most. We should seek out the ways, small though they may be, that we can provide assistance to those around us. Others will more readily want to connect to someone who is helpful than someone who is insular. As we singles do the little things that encourage others to build the relationships with us we need to support us in our journey through mortality, finding those who will be willing to do the heavy lifting when the time comes will be easier. That’s natural law — the Law of Restoration. Alma explained very well this law:
If you want something to come into your life, then bring that same something into the lives of others. In life, you get what you give. Get what you give Obeying the Law of Restoration is very empowering. It places control for our lives into our hands. As we focus on doing what lies within our power, we open ourselves to the positive energy attending those who truly enjoy life. Focusing on doing what lies within our power also encourages us to own our lives. You’ll never have the fullness of joy you can enjoy right now without taking responsibility for how your life has resulted. Only when you own your life do you open yourself to enjoying your present situation in life despite its myriad of imperfections. And it will always have imperfections. If you’re one of many LDS singles who wish that those in your ward and stake would walk with you, then you need first to walk with them. Doing what lies in your power to send out what you want to receive will make receiving it more likely. It will help you to own your life. And it will bring you more joy in your journey.
Lately I’ve been discussing how our married friends in leadership can minister to LDS singles more effectively. It all started two weeks ago when I shared what stake leaders can do to minister to singles. Then last week I focused on what ward leaders can do and how home teachers and visiting teachers play a pivotal role in walking with singles. Yet a focus exclusively outside of singles ignores a major component in ministering effectively to singles. We LDS singles can do much to support one another and lift ourselves to higher ground. Yes, stake and ward leaders are busy people with enough commitments pulling them in different directions that singles can easily get forgotten. But I firmly believe another obstacle impedes our leaders from doing more to help LDS singles. They don’t see us doing much to help each other. Seeing the separation Honestly, who can blame them? If you don’t see people who need help doing what lies in their power to help themselves, how motivated will you be to help? It’s human nature to feel it easier to help those who are showing by their actions they’re doing what they can to help themselves. Of course, our culture plays a role as well. For many years, singles have their own activities and often their own wards. These factors combined with marriage as a rite of passage within the culture encourage our married friends to think of singles as a group that doesn’t quite belong. It makes it very easy to think, “Well, you singles can do your thing over there, and if you ever get married, then you can join us in the main group over here.” The end result is that many of our married friends in our wards and stakes see us more as time and energy saps than as the children of God we truly are. Understanding how to minister effectively to singles can help with that. Doing the little things that truly help singles doesn’t take much time or energy. Seeing the situation That perspective of seeing singles as a group apart from the main allows leaders to rationalize more easily a disengagement from the lives of singles. And who can blame them for having that perspective when we singles ourselves have disengaged from other singles’ lives? I know there are exceptions, but the rule across the Church is that singles who attend activities aren’t there to support others but rather to seek out a personal agenda. They’re there to check out the dating scene or, for those who have tired of dating, to enjoy themselves. I’ve spoken before about how the dating forum and the activity club each encourage us to focus inward when we should follow the Savior’s example and focus outward. Building a support network helps us to obtain and maintain that outward focus. What if every LDS single who arrived at an activity was warmly welcomed? What would happen if all singles could feel loved and supported by their own? How much goodness would then result? And how much potential are we wasting by not reaching after that? Seeing the solidarity We LDS singles don’t have much moral authority for arguing that our leaders should support us if we aren’t taking advantage of the opportunities we ourselves have to help each other. We have activities to fill needs, not to fill a calendar, and to provide space for singles both to give and to receive support, not just to accomplish a personal agenda. Yes, we want to find our eternal companion, and yes, we’ll always be looking and wondering if So-and-so we just met is that one. That’s human nature. The trick is not to allow that good agenda to crowd out the better or best agenda of building a community in which we all love and support each other. When we congregate to support each other before seeking our own personal interests, we better follow the example of the Savior. We also better align ourselves with the true purpose of our journey in mortality — to learn how to become more like Him. How can we do that without seeing others the way He sees them and seeking to serve them the way He would serve them? In the end, we get what we give. When we give first priority to fulfilling the needs of others, we set an ennobling example for others, including our married friends, to follow. When all of us — married and single — come together into a community of saints who care for each other regardless of status or situation, then many of our needs will be met just by being who we are. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
Last week I focused on the role stake officers have in ministering effectively to LDS singles. Today I’m turning my attention to the wards. Stakes often do little more than give the wards stewardship over ministering to singles. As we discussed last week, stakes which don’t provide accountability with that stewardship will often leave the needs of many singles unmet. It’s easy to marginalize singles. After all, ward leaders are very busy. Balancing commitments to family, work, and their callings is a constant battle for time and other resources. When it comes to singles, many local leaders find it easier to let a group that doesn’t really fit into the family-centered culture of the Church anyway fend for themselves. But given the choice to sink or swim, many LDS singles will sink simply because they lack the support they need. That’s not the plan for anyone. The plan is for adults to live with the support offered by marriage. Singles by definition don’t have that structure, nor can they completely substitute for that by themselves. Small but meaningful acts The thought of supporting singles while also supporting their other responsibilities may overwhelm some ward leaders. But just as we saw with stake leaders, many ward leaders can minister effectively to singles in the performance of their normal duties. We should base every ministration to singles on the three main principles I discussed last week. Beyond these, ward leaders need to show a little initiative. The bishop, the elders’ quorum president, high priest group leader, and Relief Society president should interview each single adult under their stewardship regularly (bishops at least quarterly, other ward leaders at least monthly). Leaders can delegate these interviews to counselors, but taking the initiative to invite singles to talk for 5-10 minutes can make a world of difference. It shows singles they aren’t forgotten but noticed. And being noticed brings with it the hope of being understood and loved. In interviews, you can talk about the challenges of singles life, but it’s more important to focus on goals and dreams they themselves have made, looking for ways you can help realize them. You can also provide them with some gentle accountability. I would love for my leaders to ask me about my dating efforts and hold me accountable for working towards making essential sacred covenants I have not yet made. Like many singles, I don’t have that significant other to help keep me on course. The real heavy lifting Those small but regular conversations between LDS singles and their local leaders can change lives. They can also inform leaders in ward council, welfare, and other meetings where ward resources are marshaled. Beyond that, home and visiting teachers do the real heavy lifting. Please understand we’re not talking here about the typical once-a-month, at-the-end-of-the-month get-together to read to us something we can very well read on our own so someone else can check an item off a to-do list and satiate ego at having done one’s duty. We’re talking here about a real relationship with a real friend, someone who’ll be there and walk with us singles when the times get tough. And very often walking with someone means nothing more than doing the small but right things at the right times. Elder Holland displayed that understanding of real home teaching. Was it just coincidence he started his last Conference address with a less effective example that involved a perfunctory visit to the home of a single sister? I don’t think so. Singles greatly need the support that home and visiting teachers are best positioned to supply. Of course, this model means that home teachers must home teach and visiting teachers must visit teach, which often isn’t the case. Local leaders should work diligently to help home and visiting teachers of singles to be the home teachers or visiting teachers singles need them to be. Working together There’s many more details than any brief monologue can provide. But I’ve provided the general gist of how effective ministering to singles works. Local leaders can always seek revelation, which includes the guidance of the Spirit, to fill in the blanks in their own circumstances. Throughout this process, we singles should exercise patience with our leaders, especially if they are sincerely trying. That means understanding and forgiving shortcomings. That also means accepting whatever time leaders take to get it right. Stake and ward leaders can learn how to minister to singles more effectively. Singles can feel more accepted and supported when they do. When we all understand our roles and work to help each other fulfill those roles as best we can, life becomes better for everyone. And that will bring more joy in our journey. |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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