I have a love-hate relationship with RootsTech. I love the energy and excitement which RootsTech generates for family history work. But you can’t really talk about family history work without telling stories about ancestors who did this wonderful thing or left that inspiring heritage. And hearing those stories makes me bawl like a baby every time. Yeah, that’s right. Every time. Stories connect us to our ancestors and help us discover who we are. Truly our hearts turn towards our fathers when we discover, gather, and share stories of our ancestors with the generations after us. That turning of the children’s hearts aligns very well with our innate yearning for our heavenly home. And that provides for a contribution we need to make. What will you leave? When I learned that Family Discovery Day at RootsTech 2018 would feature President Oakes, I could hardly contain my excitement. Here we have the General Authority who’s perhaps more closely identified with LDS singles life and issues than any other General Authority. Of course the presentation was outstanding. President and Sister Oakes told stories, and I broke yet another water main. But they also touched on a theme similar to Elder Uctdorf. The Oakeses emphasized the need not just to provide ordinances for our ancestors but also to retell the stories about those ancestors continuously for the benefit of future generations. And they brought examples. President Oakes showed copies of journals from some of his ancestors and told how sharing those journals have benefitted his descendants. Sister Oakes described how the journals of her ancestors gave her a wonderful religious education. The testimonies they bore of the restored gospel taught her much. It made me wonder, “What stories am I leaving for the generations that come after me?” You don’t need to be married to leave a strong testimony or inspire a wonderful heritage of faith and courage. But future generations will never know it unless someone records it. Who will you follow? Hearing the stories of our ancestors stirs a longing inside of us. We yearn to be united with those we love who have passed on before us. Yet the same Spirit which prompts us to turn our hearts towards our fathers also invites us to follow the Savior and return to our heavenly home. Elder Uchtdorf spoke of how God knows each one of us intimately — “your every thought, your sorrows, and your greatest hopes.” He also declared that following the Lord on the path back to our heavenly home will make our lives better. Said he,
Is there any better way to follow the Savior than participating in family history and temple work? Surely the fruits of the Spirit will be ours when we contribute to this wonderful work. And LDS singles can make very meaningful contributions. What will you contribute?Those who embrace this cause on their journey home will reach a wonderful realization. Elder Uchtdorf declared this life isn’t about just you or me but all of us. We all feel the yearning to come home, and that puts all of us on the same journey back to that heavenly home. President and Sister Oakes shared similar principles in their RootsTech presentation. We must be linked together with our ancestors because we cannot be saved without them, nor can they be saved without us. If such grandiose visions make you question what role you could possibly have in such a cause, consider Elder Uchtdorf’s remarks when he offered these thoughts:
Family history and temple work isn’t just for old people. And I don’t care how much pioneer ancestry you have; there’s work for you to do! We singles can make mighty, meaningful contributions to advancing this work. We can discover, gather, and share the stories of our ancestors in ways that will inspire those who come after us — whether or not they are our literal descendants. As Elder Uchtdorf testified,
Let us each move forward and embrace our own contribution to the cause. When we do, we’ll work miracles in the lives of others. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
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Lately we’ve been discussing the challenges of LDS dating. We can more easily overcome these challenges when we understand the different stages of the journey (for example, that there are two kinds of dating), when we choose to be where we are, when we apply dating standards and not marriage standards to dates, and when we respectfully tell the truth despite what others think of us. Yet even after embracing all of these concepts, dating can still feel like an emotional roller coaster. That’s just how it is. You can’t have great reward without encountering great risk. And sometimes that will leave your heart in pieces. That’s why we all need a personal circle, a group of people who sincerely care about us and will support us when we need it. I’ve written before about the need for singles groups to forsake the activity club, reject the dating forum, and become a support network. I’ve also discussed how stakes and wards can play a larger role in supporting LDS singles. I still believe in all that. I also believe you shouldn’t wait for others to fill needs you have today. Own your life. Find your own personal circle. And when you hold the family and friends you need a little closer, you’ll find angels have joined in for a group hug. Know who’s in As disciples of Christ, we should always seek to help those around us. But that doesn’t mean we need to develop a deep friendship with everyone around us. Partnering with the Lord can help you know who should be what in your life. Because we gain our sense of normal from those around us, we need to be very cautious about who we admit into our personal circle. That’s where partnering with the Lord can help. He knows the influence we need to live our best life. He also knows who can best exert that influence upon us. Just as important as including the right people in your personal circle is excluding the wrong people. And sometimes you’ll be related to them. Excluding people from your personal circle doesn’t mean turning your back on them forever. It just means being very cautious about what time you do spend with them. Deposit love Once we know who’s in our personal circle, we should make regular deposits into their emotional bank accounts. We should never take these people for granted. And yet, too often we do. I recall being at home for the holidays towards the conclusion of my graduate school program. My relationship with my major professor had deteriorated substantially. I knew I’d be charged for another semester unless I could complete my thesis and successfully defend it before the new semester started. As we knelt in prayer before my return to campus, my mother pled with the Lord to help me finish my program. I didn’t think much about that at the time. But not long after returning, my deteriorated relationship with my major professor worsened to a breaking point. As I walked towards my major professor’s office to quit, the memory of my mother praying for me filled my mind. I suddenly felt a strengthened resolve to keep going. I finished my degree program soon thereafter. In the years since, that advanced degree has greatly blessed my life financially, occupationally, and socially. I have friends I wouldn’t otherwise have. And it’s all due to my mother’s prayer. Clearly my mother is inside my personal circle, and I make regular deposits into her emotional bank account. Find the means Of course, we can’t deposit love in others’ emotional bank accounts without the means to do so. Determine what means you need so you can maintain those important relationships inside your personal circle. Sometimes that means sacrifice. I could just text or call my mother, but I always make time to visit her in person. Sometimes being with her in person is itself the emotional deposit. Some have argued I should move on with my life. I don’t entirely disagree with that. But I don’t want to forfeit the opportunity to make more memories with my mother while she’s still cogent. Forsaking those opportunities will bring me regret for the rest of my life. I’d rather not live with that. Make the changes you need to make to have the personal circle you need to have. Then make regular deposits into the emotional bank accounts of each one in your circle. When you hold the people you love a little closer, you will find angels have joined in for a group hug. And that will bring you more joy in your journey.
LDS singles can easily feel like second-class citizens in the family-centered culture of the Church. The continual focus on something we don’t have just makes feeling like we belong and staying positive and optimistic more difficult. Of course, the Church must teach the doctrines related to the family. How could they not? “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” begins with the solemn declaration “that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Yet teaching the gospel as though everyone has the ideal situation serves more to alienate those who are different than invite them to continue participating. We need to teach the doctrines related to the family while at the same time help those who don’t have that ideal situation to feel fully included in the Kingdom. The way forward likely includes a recognition that we’re each at different points along the path to the same heavenly home. And we must testify with our actions that, no matter where along the path we may be, all of the gospel is indeed for all of us. Embrace inclusion That recognition will carry more weight when we truly care for everyone around us. Words in Sunday School about a wonderful and inclusive ward family mean little when singles are left to confront the storms and other challenges of real life on their own. Often, lessons about the family focus on the needs of those who are married. Broadening that focus to recognize those who don’t have the ideal family structure in their lives can provide a foundation for inclusion. Spending some time during lessons applying the family doctrines to singles as well as to marrieds can further that sense of inclusion. For example, we read towards the end of the Family Proclamation,
Whereas marrieds strive to maintain their families, singles strive to create new ones. Why must lessons focus solely on those who already have families? Why can’t they include those who are trying to create them? For instance, we can include examples of applying the principles in the Family Proclamation to dating. When considering a dating prospect, do we truly prize qualities such as faith, forgiveness, respect, and compassion? Or do we refuse a prospect who may have those qualities in spades but lack the more worldly qualities not mentioned in the Family Proclamation? Look inside
My single brethren, how are your presiding skills? D&C 121 is a great start if you need a refresher. How is your ability to provide the necessities of life? Note the word necessities doesn’t include fancy sports cars or weekly shopping sprees at the mall but does include putting a roof over people’s heads, food in their bellies, and a pillow under their heads at night. If you find your ability to provide lacking, what are you doing to improve? Single sisters, don’t think you’re getting left out here. How are your nurturing skills? Again, if you find your ability lacking, what are you doing to improve? Let all help all As a divinely inspired document, the Family Proclamation is filled with wonderful sentences that can both teach the doctrine of the family and help everyone regardless of their situation to feel included in the larger community of the Saints. However, of all the sentences in the Family Proclamation, I do have a favorite. It’s this one: “Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” I love that sentence! Why do I love that sentence so much? Here the Brethren acknowledge that life is sometimes less than ideal and those who find themselves so situated are still acceptable before God so long as they do their best with what they have. Note that “individual adaptation” applies to more than just those who find themselves in less-than-ideal situations. It applies to everyone. We’ll never truly live in Zion until all of us labor to help all of us along the path home. That’s because we can’t live in Zion without embracing all of the gospel. And all of the gospel is indeed for all of us. Ministering to everyone around us and not just those who are like ourselves may be difficult at first. But if pursued honestly, it will bring us more joy in our journey.
I mentioned last week how much I love Christmas. I can’t really remember when I started loving Christmas or recognized it was my favorite holiday. I think it’s always been that way. Of course, kids love Christmas. And as a kid, I loved Christmas. The presents, the decorations, the dinners, the special treats to eat, and the debates with my father about why children should be allowed to open one present early and how leaving cookies and milk out for a myth was just wasteful are among my cherished memories. OK, so the debates about Santa really took place when I was a teenager. They’re still cherished memories because of the life lessons I learned. Now that I’m an adult, I think more about traditions. And the older I get, the more I hunger for real. You can’t get more real than with small acts that point towards Christ. These truly light the world. And they make the memories that matter most in the end. Keep the good you’re given Two traditions from my childhood Christmases involve my mother. As Christmas approached, we’d list all the things we wanted to eat. Then on Christmas Eve, we’d go get it. Ordering more than we could eat in one setting was the whole point; it gave my mother a break from the kitchen for a few days. We’d all help prepare a huge Christmas morning breakfast, but thereafter we simply ate leftovers from our Christmas Eve feast. The second tradition came when we opened presents on Christmas morning after everyone helped to clean up after breakfast. Mother would always be first to open a gift. My father insisted on both traditions every year to show respect to my mother. He made no secret of why. After moving away from home, I kept these traditions as best I could. The memories are sweet and remind me of the respect for women my father taught me. They always remind me of how Christ always honored His mother. Find the good you can give Over the years, I’ve tried to develop other traditions pointing to the Savior. One year I decided to make loaves of bread and give them away. Making bread from scratch involves some work, but that was the point. Christ is the bread of life Who we should always work to remember. I had this tradition only one year. The loaves I made took far more work than I imagined, and the end product was not that great. As it was, I appreciated the learning experience, and the intended result was realized. And I didn’t stop looking for new traditions. The one I have now — my 40-day Sermon on the Mount study — seems especially suited towards my current situation in life as a single adult. I’ve described before the growth this study provides me. Were it not for that, I might have adopted a form of the Church’s current Light the World campaign into a yearly tradition. All in all, the traditions I have and might have had all point to Christ. Follow inspiration Through the years, my traditions have helped me make memories that matter precisely because they point to the Savior. By acting on His teachings, we can all make memories that matter. My brother doesn’t always visit for the holidays, so I was glad he came this weekend. While here, he approached me about a dysfunctional but distinctively designed pocket watch our grandfather owned. Given my interest in everything about her father, Mother had given the watch to me. I don’t have room to detail here the experiences that connect me to this man who died before I was born. But I don’t blame my mother for giving the watch to me. However, my brother claimed Mother promised him the watch. I said he could have it, but he didn’t take it, saying things shouldn’t be more important than people. Last night as he prepared to go, I noticed he still hadn’t taken the watch. I felt strongly impressed to slip it into one of his bags and did so without hesitation. I don’t know what will result, but reflecting on it has helped me feel closer to the Master Who taught others to give everything for righteousness. We can all follow inspiration. As we do, we point others to the real reason for the season while making memories that matter. I don’t know of a better way to do that than by living the truths Christ taught. No matter our current situation in life, when we walk more decidedly the path of discipleship, we can’t help but have more joy in our journey. Last week I discussed our need as LDS singles to make conscious choices to nourish ourselves. We need to fortify ourselves against the storms of life that will surely beat upon us — and not because we’re single (although being single in a family-centered culture is its own special trial) but because we’re eternal beings having a mortal experience. I discussed in some detail the four aspects of ourselves (the spirit, the heart, the mind, and the body) requiring nourishment. For some reason, the idea of nourishing our heart through family history work impresses me particularly. Maybe it’s just the idea I should be nourishing my heart this way. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I need to do more in that area. That’s pretty easy to say about anything, though, true as it may be. Maybe it’s because this time of year I normally have a trip with my dad. That annual tradition we started not that long ago petered out this year. That meant we didn’t get to spend the quality time together we anticipated. Maybe it’s because RootsTech 2016 just took place last week, and I didn’t get to go. Missing that annual jaunt to the hive nest of Mormondom wouldn’t be so disappointing if it weren’t for what I would be missing with it. Attending the largest family history conference in the world fills the air with a certain excitement. And the presentations in the past have been outstanding. One of them gave birth to Joy In The Journey Radio. Seeking quality time RootsTech has traditionally offered a wide spread of session offerings to cater to many family-history-related interests, providing my father and I with some quality father-son time. We have some overlapping interests but many diverse interests. So we would share our lists of the sessions we wanted to attend. Often only one of us would attend a session interesting us both in order to allow the other to attend another session. We would then swap notes later in the evening while partaking of the downtown Salt Lake dining scene. That’s part of the excitement I missed this year. I’ve always believed that family history, a work done for families, should be done by families. Attending RootsTech with my dad and engaging in discussions resulting from the presentations we each saw made being a part of that work more alive to me. And just having that time with my dad made it all the more special. Missing the traditionRootsTech 2016 happened, but not for my dad and I. We ended up not going this year. Looking at the offerings, I didn’t feel any special pull to attend the sessions. Many of their offerings seemed pared down in comparison with past years. I also knew my mother (who no longer drives) would be more likely to let my dad go if I were to stay home with her in case she needed anything. So I volunteered to stay home. It was just as well because I had tons of work I ended up taking vacation in order to complete. But the final word from my mother didn’t allow my father to go out of town and leave her. So my dad didn’t get to go either. I thought perhaps we might watch some of the sessions online. RootsTech broadcasts parts of the conference via live streaming on their website. I didn’t get to watch anything, though, as I had too much work calling my name. Following the promptings Replaying these memories, I realize what’s working inside of me. Partly it’s a longing for the anticipated yet absent quality time with my dad. I need to make some arrangements to do something else with my dad to compensate. But it’s also the spirit of Elijah. For some reason, I need to increase my participation in this work. The Lord has promised added protective power to those who participate in this work, and perhaps this is why I’m prompted in this direction. It could very well be something else. I don’t know. And I don’t have to know to follow the promptings. Family history work is for everyone. We LDS singles should be a part of this work. However the Spirit prompts you to participate, follow those promptings. The Lord is trying to bless us, and as we follow the promptings He provides, we can have joy in our journey regardless of our circumstances.
If you’re an LDS single who hasn’t heard some ignorant, insensitive remark from our married friends in the Church, then you better buckle up. Your ride is about to get a little bumpy. We’ve all been there. From asides in casual conversation to statements in class lessons, we LDS singles have been made to feel not completely accepted because we don’t have our own family. Often we hear some variation of “get with the program.” Last time I checked, the “program” is making and keeping as many covenants with God as we can. Of course we should strive to make every covenant possible. But sometimes that means doing the best you can in this mortal life — however far that gets you — and then trusting in the Lord to make up the rest. Still, some of our married friends constantly hit a nerve. We want to tell them a thing or two. Sometimes I have, using references to a place where the sun doesn’t shine. But that was before I changed my way of thinking. Now I just tell myself “Babes in sacrament meeting.” The parable of babes in sacrament meeting If you’ve been to a general membership ward (note I avoid the atrocious term family ward), you’ve rarely if ever experienced an administration of the sacrament in silence. That’s because little children often break that silence. This last Sunday was no exception for me. The children seemed especially restless. And I recalled just a couple of weeks ago when a child cried out, “No, Mom! That’s mine!” It all adds to an atmosphere that at least superficially seems like anything but reverent. Of course, no one blames the child. We might cast a nasty look at a parent of a particularly obnoxious child and think, “Hey, why don’t you do something about your kid?” But we never blame the child. And we all know why. The child is innocent. The child doesn’t know any better. It makes no sense to hold children to a standard which they cannot reasonably meet. Likewise, many of our married friends, and particularly our leaders, have no idea what we LDS singles experience. Because they married young, they don’t know what it’s like to be older and single in the Church. And older could mean you’re 25, 35, 45, or more. It’s not fair for us to expect them to avoid saying and doing insensitive things when they simply don’t understand completely what we experience. The LDS singles experience must be had to be understood. Because many of our married friends never really experienced that, they simply don’t understand. So why should we respond to their insensitivity with the expectation that they should understand? That’s not reasonable. They’re babes in sacrament meeting. Seek first to understand I’m not saying our married friends shouldn’t try to understand us singles. Nor am I advocating we singles quit trying to be understood. The desire to be understood is a basic human need. At the same time, we aren’t likely to be understood when we don’t first seek to understand others. Gandhi was right when he said we must be the change we seek in the world. The insensitivities we LDS singles experience within our subculture will not cease until we LDS singles take the lead by following the Savior and exercising patience. We need to remember babes in sacrament meeting. When we exercise patience with our leaders and other married friends in the Church while seeking first to understand them, we clear a space that invites them to understand us. Good-hearted people will respond by filling that space with desires to understand us. The godly desire to understand then outweighs the natural desire to be understood. Those who haven’t lived our LDS singles experience cannot fully understand it. But that doesn’t prevent others from achieving a partial understanding. Certainly, if we are to live in Zion, singles and marrieds need to be reaching after all the understanding of each other possible. We should never use failure to achieve totality to justify not trying to achieve what part we can. The change we LDS singles truly seek in our culture — one in which our married friends help us to feel truly a part of the fold of God — must start within us. It’s time for us to quit sitting on the sidelines waiting for things to change and start making that change happen. It’s time for us to stop criticizing others for what they cannot reasonably do and start looking inside ourselves for the seeds of patience and understanding that will sprout a better experience for everyone. Let us look to the Savior and follow His example of patience. And it can all start with four simple words: Babes in sacrament meeting.
The world teaches that only one thing matters in dating — physical attraction. We LDS singles like to think of ourselves as being impervious to worldly influences, but the truth is a far cry from that fantasy. What are we really trying to accomplish by engaging (pun intended) the dating process? If you know a higher purpose in dating than to create righteous families, I’m all ears. But seeing that the family is central to God’s plan, I don’t know how you can seek to live all the gospel of Jesus Christ without seeking to create your own righteous family. Words just say but actions shout It’s great to say “I believe” with words. It’s better to say “I believe” with actions. Many of our dating actions say we value fulfilling selfish desires or placating our own personal egos more than creating righteous families. Some of you may not want to hear that, but I warned you when I published my philosophy that I would call it like I see it. If we’re truly honest, we must admit that many of our dating choices aren’t really about creating righteous families. When we decide that other people are not worth befriending or even talking to because they don’t turn our hormonal engines on, our focus is clearly centered elsewhere. Same goes when we decide that the size of someone’s wallet should determine whether or not we get to know that person better.
Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. As far as a list of qualities to seek in a companion, I think that says it all. Note that physical attraction is not on that list. Nor is a fat wallet. I’m not saying don’t consider those things. I’m saying give more weight to what matters more. Modern-day prophets have helped us know what matters more. We should be looking for role models rather than supermodels. That means two things: First, you should be a role model yourself. And second, you need to give others more of a chance. Be a role model yourself We all tend to attract to us the type of people we are deep inside. For example, drug addicts tend to have other drug addicts for friends. The list goes on and on. So if you want to have a role model in your life, you need to strive to be one yourself. That way your chances of attracting a role model will increase. Give others more of a chance CAUTION: As you strive to become more of a role model yourself, you will inevitably trip and fall flat on your face over and over again. Welcome to the human condition. Guess what? Your companion is probably having a similar experience. You won’t likely see that just by observing outside appearances. The qualities referenced earlier in the Proclamation on the Family aren’t very discernible on the outside. That means we all need to give others more of a chance. Direction is more important than position. So our actions should give it greater weight. Yet too often our actions give greater weight to position. They say, “If you aren’t perfect enough right now, then you never will be.” By filtering too soon in the process we discount many candidates who would make an excellent companion. We really are our own worst obstacle when we turn away others before we really know what we’re refusing. Your focus determines your reality Your focus determines your reality, so if you focus on feeding your own fantasies and unrealistic expectations of a marriage companion, your reality will lack significance and be filled with endless frustration, whether or not you attain your desires for marriage. However, if you focus on being the best role model you can be, then your reality will be filled with other role models. And while like the Savior they may not appear to be desirable, one of those role models may be just what you're really looking for. It’s high time we say with our actions and not just with words that we value role models over supermodels. Aligning with my previous encouragement to own your life, I believe the life best lived is the life fully lived, regardless of your circumstances. That’s why on occasion I’ll be dedicating a post on this blog to one of the four main life areas that I call the spirit, the heart, the mind, and the body. Today I’m going straight to the heart, and I’m not talking Bryan Adams. I’m talking Schoolhouse Rock, or Schoolhouse Rock Live! to be more precise. The heart deals with the social aspect of life and especially the relationships we have with other people in our lives. I regularly make time every so often to give attention to the important relationships in my life. A couple of weeks ago, I thought it'd be good to do something with my sister and her oldest boy. They live by Boise, so I took my four-year-old nephew and my sister to see the Musical Theater of Idaho production of Schoolhouse Rock Live! What I thought of the show You can read a more expansive critique of Schoolhouse Rock Live! on my personal website. But here’s some highlights if that's not your deal. There was no real story. The play is simply a string of loosely connected Schoolhouse Rock songs. Normally I would find that unforgivable. In this case, I have so many fond memories of eagerly anticipating and then enjoying my childhood Saturday morning ritual [yes, I know that totally dates me] that I find myself overlooking a very glaring defect. Apparently most of the audience had similar memories. I estimated about 100 (possibly 120 but no more) people in the makeshift auditorium. And (surprising to me) no more than 10, including my nephew, were children. But it was also a Thursday showing. That may have had something to do with it. Yes, the auditorium was very makeshift. Two portable loudspeakers sat at each side of a rectangular opening in a school gymnasium with a slanted roof of corrugated sheet metal.
My nephew's experience My nephew sat with me and his mother. Occasionally I would look over at him to see if he was enjoying the show. He had trouble seeing the stage during the first half. During the intermission, I took a walk with him to get his wiggles out of him. When we got back to our seats, I offered to move over so that he could have my seat. He saw the stage much better and seemed to enjoy himself more. I also tried to get him involved by clapping with the music and performing hand gestures when appropriate. He seemed a little slow to follow along, but eventually he got into the spirit. As we left the building after the performance, he wanted to hold my hand so he didn’t slip on the icy parking lot. He thanked me along with his mother as he got into the car. I think enjoyed his evening even though he didn’t get one of the huge cookies he wanted during intermission. Make time for relationships that matter It wasn’t a huge thing, but when it comes to relationships with the people that matter most, it doesn’t need to be. It just needs to be real and often.
What relationships in your life matter most to you? Don’t focus so much on the one relationship you don’t have that you overlook the relationships you do have. Find a way to spend some quality time with one person in your life. That could be a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, a cousin, or a good friend. Whatever it is, take action to make that relationship stronger. Life is much richer when filled with strong, loving relationships. |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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