LDS singles can easily feel like second-class citizens in the family-centered culture of the Church. The continual focus on something we don’t have just makes feeling like we belong and staying positive and optimistic more difficult. Of course, the Church must teach the doctrines related to the family. How could they not? “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” begins with the solemn declaration “that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Yet teaching the gospel as though everyone has the ideal situation serves more to alienate those who are different than invite them to continue participating. We need to teach the doctrines related to the family while at the same time help those who don’t have that ideal situation to feel fully included in the Kingdom. The way forward likely includes a recognition that we’re each at different points along the path to the same heavenly home. And we must testify with our actions that, no matter where along the path we may be, all of the gospel is indeed for all of us. Embrace inclusion That recognition will carry more weight when we truly care for everyone around us. Words in Sunday School about a wonderful and inclusive ward family mean little when singles are left to confront the storms and other challenges of real life on their own. Often, lessons about the family focus on the needs of those who are married. Broadening that focus to recognize those who don’t have the ideal family structure in their lives can provide a foundation for inclusion. Spending some time during lessons applying the family doctrines to singles as well as to marrieds can further that sense of inclusion. For example, we read towards the end of the Family Proclamation,
Whereas marrieds strive to maintain their families, singles strive to create new ones. Why must lessons focus solely on those who already have families? Why can’t they include those who are trying to create them? For instance, we can include examples of applying the principles in the Family Proclamation to dating. When considering a dating prospect, do we truly prize qualities such as faith, forgiveness, respect, and compassion? Or do we refuse a prospect who may have those qualities in spades but lack the more worldly qualities not mentioned in the Family Proclamation? Look inside
My single brethren, how are your presiding skills? D&C 121 is a great start if you need a refresher. How is your ability to provide the necessities of life? Note the word necessities doesn’t include fancy sports cars or weekly shopping sprees at the mall but does include putting a roof over people’s heads, food in their bellies, and a pillow under their heads at night. If you find your ability to provide lacking, what are you doing to improve? Single sisters, don’t think you’re getting left out here. How are your nurturing skills? Again, if you find your ability lacking, what are you doing to improve? Let all help all As a divinely inspired document, the Family Proclamation is filled with wonderful sentences that can both teach the doctrine of the family and help everyone regardless of their situation to feel included in the larger community of the Saints. However, of all the sentences in the Family Proclamation, I do have a favorite. It’s this one: “Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” I love that sentence! Why do I love that sentence so much? Here the Brethren acknowledge that life is sometimes less than ideal and those who find themselves so situated are still acceptable before God so long as they do their best with what they have. Note that “individual adaptation” applies to more than just those who find themselves in less-than-ideal situations. It applies to everyone. We’ll never truly live in Zion until all of us labor to help all of us along the path home. That’s because we can’t live in Zion without embracing all of the gospel. And all of the gospel is indeed for all of us. Ministering to everyone around us and not just those who are like ourselves may be difficult at first. But if pursued honestly, it will bring us more joy in our journey.
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Recently I’ve reflected on everything I’ve done since all this started on 12/12/12. I’ve come a long way. The road behind me is filled with accomplishment, much of which I simply didn’t envision back in 2012. I can’t say all of my blog posts have been classics, but I do have a post for every week since the start of 2014. That’s almost 3 ½ years of weekly posts, most of which have no comments. I said back then I wasn’t doing any of this for acclaim, and that’s still true today. All I’ve ever wanted was real. You don’t need the attention of others to get real. That post at the start of 2014 is definitely a classic. I’ve produced a few more along the way. One that keeps coming back to me reminisced about a older friend who lives in Seattle. We conversed 90 minutes about love, concluding no one can really define what love is. We know when it’s there and when it’s not because we can feel it. But it’s impossible to define exactly what love is. Love means sacrifice That conversation transformed me. It’s since led me to ponder this question: What does it mean to love someone? Before that conversation, I thought I knew. Since then, I’m not completely sure I do know. Part of the answer surely lies in sacrifice, forgoing your own desires to help others fulfill theirs. It’s been almost four years since Tashi died, but I still think about her and how my heart broke. Even a blind man can see I loved that cat. But why? When I first adopted her, Tashi had tremendous trouble eating properly. Every time I fed her, she would eat as though it were her last meal, which isn’t normal for cats. This and other behaviors led me to wonder if a previous owner had abused her. Of course, eating so quickly caused her to vomit later. Every day I had a new mess to clean. I spent 11 months training Tashi to eat normally. And even then she never completely stopped vomiting, though it was much less frequent than before. Without my sacrifice, my love for her wouldn’t be as deep as it was and still is today. Love means selflessness That conversation with my Seattle friend reminds me of the final midsingles activity I attended there — FHE in my friend’s home. The lesson portion evolved into a conversation in which people were sharing their thoughts about how to grow the midsingles group. Normally I like to listen to others and learn how they see the world. This evening, however, I couldn’t resist sharing my perspective. And knowing this to be my last activity there for the foreseeable future, I held nothing back. I declared love is meaningful only when it involves people who are different. Talking to others we like and sitting with others we want around us isn’t all that difficult. We get to stay in our comfort zone. Conversely, talking with others who are very different and sitting with others we don’t want around us does require us to leave our comfort zone. Yet here love truly has meaning because here we act against self-interest. The Savior taught,
Love means discomfort I spoke many other words along the same vein that evening. All together they made some visibly uncomfortable. I rejoiced to see that, not because I have some sadistic pleasure in seeing people squirm but because it meant I was speaking truth. I was getting real. In the end, I invited everyone to surrender to love. I testified that only by surrendering to love would we ever become the truly supportive group everyone talked about becoming. Since then I’ve seen singles group after singles group struggle with creating a true sense of community. Leaders who consider singles committees as nothing more than activity planning groups don’t help. No one can come together when everyone has their own agenda. That will never change until we all surrender to love. Only by forgetting ourselves and focusing upon others will we ever create the community of the support network many LDS singles need in their lives. Yes, surrendering to love is hard. It goes against the natural man and woman. But the rewards of love far outweigh the price we must pay to obtain it. And having those rewards will bring us more joy in our journey.
I truly believe the global leaders of the Church care about singles. But somehow that doesn’t always translate down to the local level. Many LDS singles find themselves constantly ignored, or at best tolerated, in their wards and stakes. Although ministering to singles can easily get lost in the bustle of everything vying for our leader’s time and attention, many local leaders simply don’t know how to minister effectively to singles. In an effort to help remedy that deficiency, lately I’ve been discussing how our leaders can minister more effectively to LDS singles, first at the stake level, and then at the ward level. Last week I explored how singles can provide our local leaders with a great example by ministering to each other. After all, our local leaders will be more inclined to help us if we’re seen to be busy helping ourselves as much as possible. While we LDS singles are about helping each other, what’s to say helping our leaders shouldn’t be a part of that effort? If our leaders will be more inclined to help us when they see us doing what we can to help ourselves, how much more inclined will they be to help us if they see us doing what we can to help them? See what you need I’ve discussed the great need of many singles to have someone to walk with them. I believe having someone to walk with us is the greatest unmet need we LDS singles as a collective community have. Life is hard, but it’s even harder when you’re left to walk that journey alone. Our Heavenly Father instituted marriage in part to provide a measure of support. Spouses can help each other and ascend together towards their heavenly home. We singles have the same celestial destination but no spouse to support us. And when all effective ministering to us from all parties is lacking, that need for support is all the greater. That’s why home teachers and visiting teachers play such a crucial role in ministering to singles. They’re best positioned to be that someone to walk with the singles under their charge. Visiting singles should never be to complete a perfunctory assignment. Rather the focus should point towards building a genuine supportive relationship with another human being. In essence, it’s being a real friend. Give what you need But the friendship street runs both ways. We singles can easily get absorbed in the focus of what we fail to have when the more important focus is often what we fail to give. Expecting a true friend to come into our lives when we ourselves aren’t being that true friend to others is an exercise in futility. As with all human relationships, it’s the little things that often matter most. We should seek out the ways, small though they may be, that we can provide assistance to those around us. Others will more readily want to connect to someone who is helpful than someone who is insular. As we singles do the little things that encourage others to build the relationships with us we need to support us in our journey through mortality, finding those who will be willing to do the heavy lifting when the time comes will be easier. That’s natural law — the Law of Restoration. Alma explained very well this law:
If you want something to come into your life, then bring that same something into the lives of others. In life, you get what you give. Get what you give Obeying the Law of Restoration is very empowering. It places control for our lives into our hands. As we focus on doing what lies within our power, we open ourselves to the positive energy attending those who truly enjoy life. Focusing on doing what lies within our power also encourages us to own our lives. You’ll never have the fullness of joy you can enjoy right now without taking responsibility for how your life has resulted. Only when you own your life do you open yourself to enjoying your present situation in life despite its myriad of imperfections. And it will always have imperfections. If you’re one of many LDS singles who wish that those in your ward and stake would walk with you, then you need first to walk with them. Doing what lies in your power to send out what you want to receive will make receiving it more likely. It will help you to own your life. And it will bring you more joy in your journey.
Last week I focused on the role stake officers have in ministering effectively to LDS singles. Today I’m turning my attention to the wards. Stakes often do little more than give the wards stewardship over ministering to singles. As we discussed last week, stakes which don’t provide accountability with that stewardship will often leave the needs of many singles unmet. It’s easy to marginalize singles. After all, ward leaders are very busy. Balancing commitments to family, work, and their callings is a constant battle for time and other resources. When it comes to singles, many local leaders find it easier to let a group that doesn’t really fit into the family-centered culture of the Church anyway fend for themselves. But given the choice to sink or swim, many LDS singles will sink simply because they lack the support they need. That’s not the plan for anyone. The plan is for adults to live with the support offered by marriage. Singles by definition don’t have that structure, nor can they completely substitute for that by themselves. Small but meaningful acts The thought of supporting singles while also supporting their other responsibilities may overwhelm some ward leaders. But just as we saw with stake leaders, many ward leaders can minister effectively to singles in the performance of their normal duties. We should base every ministration to singles on the three main principles I discussed last week. Beyond these, ward leaders need to show a little initiative. The bishop, the elders’ quorum president, high priest group leader, and Relief Society president should interview each single adult under their stewardship regularly (bishops at least quarterly, other ward leaders at least monthly). Leaders can delegate these interviews to counselors, but taking the initiative to invite singles to talk for 5-10 minutes can make a world of difference. It shows singles they aren’t forgotten but noticed. And being noticed brings with it the hope of being understood and loved. In interviews, you can talk about the challenges of singles life, but it’s more important to focus on goals and dreams they themselves have made, looking for ways you can help realize them. You can also provide them with some gentle accountability. I would love for my leaders to ask me about my dating efforts and hold me accountable for working towards making essential sacred covenants I have not yet made. Like many singles, I don’t have that significant other to help keep me on course. The real heavy lifting Those small but regular conversations between LDS singles and their local leaders can change lives. They can also inform leaders in ward council, welfare, and other meetings where ward resources are marshaled. Beyond that, home and visiting teachers do the real heavy lifting. Please understand we’re not talking here about the typical once-a-month, at-the-end-of-the-month get-together to read to us something we can very well read on our own so someone else can check an item off a to-do list and satiate ego at having done one’s duty. We’re talking here about a real relationship with a real friend, someone who’ll be there and walk with us singles when the times get tough. And very often walking with someone means nothing more than doing the small but right things at the right times. Elder Holland displayed that understanding of real home teaching. Was it just coincidence he started his last Conference address with a less effective example that involved a perfunctory visit to the home of a single sister? I don’t think so. Singles greatly need the support that home and visiting teachers are best positioned to supply. Of course, this model means that home teachers must home teach and visiting teachers must visit teach, which often isn’t the case. Local leaders should work diligently to help home and visiting teachers of singles to be the home teachers or visiting teachers singles need them to be. Working together There’s many more details than any brief monologue can provide. But I’ve provided the general gist of how effective ministering to singles works. Local leaders can always seek revelation, which includes the guidance of the Spirit, to fill in the blanks in their own circumstances. Throughout this process, we singles should exercise patience with our leaders, especially if they are sincerely trying. That means understanding and forgiving shortcomings. That also means accepting whatever time leaders take to get it right. Stake and ward leaders can learn how to minister to singles more effectively. Singles can feel more accepted and supported when they do. When we all understand our roles and work to help each other fulfill those roles as best we can, life becomes better for everyone. And that will bring more joy in our journey.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been talking about local LDS leaders who fail to understand how to minister effectively to singles. No one was intended to do life alone, and yet that’s the reality for many LDS singles everywhere. I really like President Nelson’s perspective in his latest Conference address. It offers more hope than any other answer I’ve encountered. And it’s Christ-centered, which probably explains why it offers the most hope. Some might interpret that answer to mean we LDS singles can fulfill all of our needs by ourselves simply by changing the way we think. That’s far from true. I can’t meet all of my needs by myself. No one can. We all need others to be involved in our lives while we journey the bumpy road that is mortality. I’ve discussed before how our greatest need as singles is to have others walk with us. That need is our greatest in part because it remains unmet for so many of us. Yet I’m convinced that many local leaders neglect singles not because they don’t want to help but because they don’t know how. Today I’d like to tackle that issue directly. Adopting a more effective approach In my recent “conversations” with my stake president, I found his description of simply passing the buck for ministering to singles over to the wards as “more effective” especially annoying. How is a model that produces zero results more effective? I get why the stake does that. They think the wards are better suited to interact with singles on an individual level. And generally that’s true. The problem comes with its attendant assumption. Just because you say the wards are responsible doesn’t mean they’ll follow through. I wish a lot were that easy. But the universe doesn’t work that way. God was able to speak the words of creation and it was so because when He spoke workers followed instructions. In like manner, we need to say the words we want to make reality, and then we need to work to make them reality. My years of experience as a ward and stake rep as well as working with singles issues through my blog and now my radio program suggest a different approach. Ministering more effectively to singles involves a partnership between the stake and the wards. Everyone has a part to play. Stakes provide accountability Stakes must provide accountability. Without accountability, the wards aren’t likely to do anything. Ward leaders are usually busy people. Between the demands of just work, family, and their calling, they’ve got a lot on their plate. Expecting them to do more without following up is wishful thinking. In a family-centered culture, those without families are very easily overlooked. Fortunately, stakes can easily provide accountability. Every stake president has regular interviews with the bishops in his stake. He can provide sufficient accountability by asking two questions in each successive interview: 1) How are the singles in your ward? (Be sure to insist on names and details in an answer.) 2) How is your ward council organizing to help them? These questions take only a few minutes. The key is to ask these same two questions interview after interview after interview. Hearing that repetition, most bishops will get moving because they’ll want to have good answers for the questions they know they’ll be asked. The stake can offer training to those who say they don’t know what to do. In addition, the stake performs about 20% of the groundwork, providing activities so singles from different wards can interact and support each other. I’ve no space here to delve into further detail, but anyone who says stakes can’t minister effectively to singles doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Wards supply action Once bishops understand their stake president will ask them two key questions in their next interview, they do what they should’ve been doing all along — counseling with their ward council on how best to meet the needs of individual singles in their ward. Bishops should have regular interviews with every active single in the ward. He counsels with those interested in obtaining their next essential ordinance. Regular interviews can communicate a sense of support, provide valuable insight that can aid ward council deliberations, and allow pivotal teaching moments that can help singles make the changes they need to make. Singles also need real home teachers, but Elder Holland already pretty much said it all on that count. In the end, singles wants results when it comes to meeting their needs. Ministering to singles is very easy once everyone understands and plays their part. Working together we can all walk together, arriving at our heavenly home. And what a glorious day that will be. Welcome to the new home for my blog. It all started back in 2012 — 12/12/12 to be exact. I couldn’t let the opportunity to start something on a date like that pass me by. Little did I know that my first year would be training for what you see today. And I’ve changed along the way. Now that my blog has a new home and we’re starting a new year, I thought it only fitting that I establish a few expectations. This first post may turn out to be the longest post I make, so if you aren’t comfy, now is a good time to get there. First, it's not about me. When I started my blog, I had some ideas that needed expression. Many of those ideas were in a book about LDS singles that I've been working on since January 2011. In researching how best to publicize the book, I found the ubiquitous advice to start a blog and use it to promote the book. But that doesn’t work for me. See, I started with that idea. And I found along the way that it led me to make everything about me. I felt the tendency to make outrageous comments to drive more traffic or to write for search engine robots to increase page ranking. But things like that don’t matter. It’s people that matter, and it's relationships with people that matter most. That’s why I started writing my book in the first place. It’s a longer story that I can share later if you’re interested. Bottom line = I wanted to create something that would help the growing LDS singles population confront and conquer the challenges of LDS singles life. So I’m turning conventional wisdom on its head. Writers use blogs as marketing tools to promote books. To me, that’s all backwards. I intend my book to support the blog. And I see the blog as a platform for changing the culture within the Church. We need to get more serious about building Zion. A big part of that means changing how we think about what it means to be single in the Church. Too many LDS singles feel like second class citizens in the Church of Mormon Families Who Sometimes Talk about Christ when they should feel like equal members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But the culture will never change if we don’t do anything. We need to start having a conversation about LDS singles life, one that encourages all of us to change the way we think about what it means to be single in the Church. There are changes that marrieds need to make and many more changes that singles need to make. We need to support one another in these changes. That means we have to cut the crap and speak the truth. I’ve been single now for almost 20 years. That’s two decades. So I’m tired of all the high school games and other associated crap that I’ve dealt with in that time period. I want real. I want to connect with other people on a real level and not have everything revolve around my marital status and my desires for eternal companionship. So when I see crap from anyone, I’m calling them out on it. That means some of you will discount me or try to ignore me because what I have to say will contradict whatever agenda you have. Others I will simply annoy. Still others will outright hate me. I’m okay with all of that. You see, I want real. I understand that not everyone is prepared for the truth. That is part of what my book is all about. We all develop habits in which we continue to believe lies about the way the world and our lives are constructed, because those lies make us feel more comfortable. But I’m done with all of that. I want real. That means embracing the truth, no matter what it may seem to do to me in the here and now. And I got three words for those of you who aren’t prepared to hear the truth. I don't care. That’s right. Again, it’s not about me. It’s about changing the culture so that we LDS singles can more easily confront our challenges and we can all — married and single — get about the business of building Zion for real. That is, after all, what all of us covenanted to do at baptism and in the temple. Oh, and I don’t care applies to just about everything. That doesn’t mean I’m going to trample intentionally on the feelings of others. It doesn’t mean I won’t attempt to regard the views of others with respect and courtesy. I probably won't always succeed, as imperfect as I am, but I will strive to be a gentleman. What I don't care does mean is when you read one of my posts, you’re getting real — the real me, what I really think and feel, and all presented in a real way. I don’t care about search engine robots because I write for people. I don’t care about page rank or other Internet statistics which in eternity will be meaningless. I don’t care if I continue writing posts week after week which generate no comments. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me or my opinions. I want real, and I can’t get real if I put on rose-colored glasses and pretend that everything is just peachy when in reality it’s putrid. If a cow crapped it out, I’m going to call it what it really is — cow crap! That means that a lot of conventional wisdom and me just won’t mix. I’m done trying to be someone I'm not just to impress someone into having a relationship with me — and that’s any type of relationship, not just the romantic kind. I’m done living the lie of a life on autopilot. I’m done going through the motions of being an “active” Latter-day Saint. I want to do what I do because I truly feel it deep inside. I want what I do to mean something. I want real. Real also means I don’t look on people reading my blog as customers to be marketed to constantly. I don’t like receiving constant emails telling me how I can’t live without purchasing XYZ, so I’ll never send anyone anything like that. It’s not about me or my book. It’s about building a community through which we can change the culture by changing the way we think about LDS singles life. I refuse to believe it cannot be done. I refuse to follow the herd just because everyone else is doing it. I refuse to believe what I say and do makes no difference. I refuse to believe I'm second-rate or that God must want me to be single because I haven’t yet experienced the subcultural rite of passage that is temple marriage. And I refuse to back down. Sure, I’m imperfect, very much so. I've got more imperfections than Swiss cheese has holes. I understand that my endeavors may result in total and complete failure. But that just brings me back to the three words I shared earlier. I don't care. You see, I’ve failed so many times in my life at just about everything in life that I am not certain whether failure has any real meaning anymore. But I am certain that just going through the motions is meaningless. I want real. And real is what you will get from me.
I envision a glorious future in which LDS marrieds and singles come together and build Zion – a place where everyone cares for everyone and everyone looks out for everyone. That is the place where I want to be, whether or not I ever find my eternal companion. Of course, such a place is more made than found, which brings me back to my first point. It’s not about me. It’s about lifting a light so that others can see amidst the darkness. It’s about bringing hope to those in despair. It’s about changing the way that we all think so that we can unite and build Zion. And it’s about becoming more like our Savior so that we can live there and feel like we belong. |
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Howdy! I'm Lance, host of Joy in the Journey Radio. I've been blogging about LDS singles life since 2012, and since 2018 I've been producing a weekly Internet radio show and podcast to help LDS singles have more joy in their journey and bring all Latter-day Saints together. Let's engage a conversation that will increase the faith of LDS singles and bring singles and marrieds together in a true unity of the faith.
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